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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder - is it normal to feed you children cheaper food than you eat yourself?

418 replies

Mrsbiggs · 30/09/2012 13:36

We (OH, me and 5 of our various children) had corn on the cob with dinner last night. DS (15) and DD (13) said "we aren't allowed to have this at dads - its "adult food"".

I was a bit Shock and asked them what they meant. Apparently their dads OH (they have been together 4 yrs I have never met her but she has caused many many issues, and destroyed a once amicable and friendly divorce) - buys economy food for the children ( she has 2 DC of her own) and finest food for her and the kids dad. They have Heinz beans and the kids have value range, at BBQ's the kids are only allowed a burger or a sausage, not kebabs or chops etc and they aren't allowed pudding (and have to watch the "adults") eat theirs, and they are not allowed to talk at the dinner table Hmm. The adults have chops etc while the DC have pasta bake.

Am I right in thinking this is appalling, and bordering on abusive or do other people do this?

OP posts:
freddiefrog · 01/10/2012 10:21

I struggle that SS would think it's ok to treat f children differently to other children in the house.

Social services in our area won't stand for it.

DH & I are foster carers, and we are absolutely expected (and wouldn't do otherwise) to treat cared for children as we would our own. We are entitled to respite care if we ever want to go away with just our kids, but tbh, I just wouldn't.

We have a 13 year old on a short term placement at the moment, who gets everything our kids do

However, as hard as we try to treat them as one of our family, there are rules & regulations we have to follow which do mark them out a bit, i.e. our eldest child is allowed to the park with her friends, our FC isn't as SS won't allow it yet

LifeIsButtercream · 01/10/2012 10:22

Lord no! If anything it's the other way round at our house!

ArbitraryUsername · 01/10/2012 10:22

I just really don't believe that adults are better/more important/must come before kids. Maybe it's all the children's rights training I've had, but it saddens me that people think like that.

We all get more or less the same food around here. If there isn't enough of anything, I prioritise the kids over myself because I'm able to make the choice but they aren't. I couldn't be bothered with cooking two different meals. Yes, DH and I will have snacks sometimes when the kids aren't in bed but this isn't 'special adult food', it's just eating at a different time. The kids get plenty of delicious, good stuff that I don't because I don't want it (e.g. DS2 adores dried apricots and snaffles them with glee; I don't like them, so I don't eat them). We never buy steak (because we're stingy), but if we were having it, the kids would get the same as us. Actually DH and DS1 would get bigger portions than me (because DH is bigger, and DS is the same size but growing and eats like a horse), and DS2 would have a smaller portion because he's 3. If quantity is an issue, the. I'll just meal plan appropriately so everyone can have plenty.

Currently, poor DS2 has the box room because we only have 3 bedrooms and he has the smallest bed (toddler bed). Our new house has 4 bedrooms, 3 of which are big doubles so we all get plenty of space and the box room is going to be the office (where DS1 will also be able to do his homework). I cannot fathom insisting that the kids sit on the floor to make room for me on the sofa either. I'd ask them to squeeze up to make a little space for me. If we have visitors and there's no room, then as many of my family as necessary will sit on the floor but exactly who will be determined by who came in last. I just can't imagine thinking that I would have more right to the seat because I'm older.

DH and I sit in the front in the car because (a) I'm usually driving and the kids can't do that and (b) because DH has by far the longest legs. DS2 has by far the most comfortable and luxurious seat in the car, because his car seat is awesome and reclines. We move the passenger seat forwards to accommodate this. Choices aren't necessarily about some social hierarchy; they can be utterly pragmatic.

mrscrocoduck · 01/10/2012 10:31

How accurate is your info? You've never met the new OH but seem to harbour a bit of resentment towards her. I would be a bit more cautious about accusing her of abuse on this flimsy evidence.

LtEveDallas · 01/10/2012 10:44

DD has what we are having, unless she doesn't like it (ie a Chinese takeaway on a Friday night, she'd rather have Tuna Pasta). She doesn't have Steak or Gammon because she says its too chewy; on days like that she'll have sausages or a chicken breast.

I tend to buy the more expensive/less additives stuff for her, whereas I don't really care if I eat junk. I also add vegetables to everything and again I probably wouldn't if I wasn't feeding her.

The only time I purposely bought cheaper foodstuffs (things like cereal, biscuits and crisps) was when I knew DSD and her friend were coming to stay, because they were typical teens (that got up late/stayed up late) they would get through packets of the stuff in the evenings (no really, whole previously unopened packets of cereal with 2 pints of milk, or whole 6 packs of crisps in one night Shock). I think it was just a phase DSD was going through, because it doesn't happen any more. I was quite open about it though - told them that if they were going to be gannets, and choose junk over the always overflowing fruit basket then I wasn't going to waste money on the 'branded' stuff. They were fine about it, and yes, wanted quantity rather than quality.

aldiwhore · 01/10/2012 10:49

If I am doing a dinner party for adult friends, then I usually buy more expensive 'special' food. The children don't usually eat our dinner party food because they're usually in bed when its ready, though there's usually something left over they can have the next day. (I feed my children SCRAPS how about that!)

Day to day we all eat the same bog standard cheap fayre, but its cooked with love and they certainly don't get crap. I cook from scratch every day using as cheap as ingredients as I can find. I certainly wouldn't make myself a bagged posh salad (because its full of chlorine) and a fillet steak whilst my children have iceberg and frying steak... that would be a bit wrong.

Original poster
Mrsbiggs · 01/10/2012 12:19

They are not prone to exaggerate - they were laughing when they were telling me - they have no reason to lie about it as they would worry in case I said something to their dad and they got into trouble.

Apparently they aren't even allowed the Hovis bread Shock.

OP posts:
mrscrocoduck · 01/10/2012 12:24

To be fair, we only get Hovis at Christmas.

mrscrocoduck · 01/10/2012 12:26

If it's really concerning you, talk to her. Or threaten to withdraw visitation until you have solid assurances that they will be treated fairly. Either it's abusive or hilarious. Which?

MrSunshine · 01/10/2012 12:31

and again, they've taken 4 years to mention it at all? Isn't that the kind of thing you'd expect children to say at once?

Original poster
Mrsbiggs · 01/10/2012 12:40

I think it's quite abusive, the kids think its funny - therefore I won't say anything as it clearly isn't affecting them.

I was just a bit shocked - it wouldn't cross my mind to do this apart from when they were smaller and as others have said they didn't like what we were having or it would've been wasted (ie - I would not give a small child a Sirloin steak).

They don't tell me a lot of things because I then tackle their dad and they then get into trouble.

I emailed him once and she printed the email out and made him read it out to the kids.

It's all very odd and controlling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrsbiggs · 01/10/2012 12:42

I just think at 13 and 15 (not fussy kids 1 very adventurous with his food) they would be eating the same food.

Her DC is made to have the cheap food when mine are there but no always and is allowed the "adult" food when mine aren't there.

OP posts:
StrawberryTot · 01/10/2012 12:51

I eat differently to my dp and dc's as I'm a vegetarian but usually this just involves substituting an alternative for the meat option, however if I make Shepards pie I will have something completely different. But what you describe is just plain odd.

lovesmellingthecoffee · 01/10/2012 14:35

YANBU given the choice my kids will have the expensive stuff, they are growing and it is important that they eat well to be healthy, they often eat premium ice cream and love it whilst me and DH don't have pudding, and sometimes they have steak whilst we have something else. I thought all parents would rather go with out to see their children eat well. but a slice of frying steak and pasta is probably the same cost as a pizza

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts · 01/10/2012 14:40

I think like that coffee...I'd sooner go without than see the DC eat crap! We buy them organic when we can...and that means cutting back on other things...so be it!

MrSunshine · 01/10/2012 14:43

We had lamb chops the other night while they were all in bed, having had pizza.
It was delicious and I didn't feel remotely bad about it. Smile

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts · 01/10/2012 14:48

You're very selfish then.

MrSunshine · 01/10/2012 15:06

Why is that then?

slappywappydoodah · 01/10/2012 15:07

I think a lot of people do this on a smaller scale - e.g. buying cheap chocolate for children that will just scoff it and the nicer stuff for themselves as they will see it as a treat when the kids are in bed. However, it's the dessert thing I'm shocked at. They don't seriousy sit there and eat sweet and yummy desserts whilst expecting their children to just watch them!!?? Are you sure you haven't been spun some teenage "hard-done by" angst?

midori1999 · 01/10/2012 15:20

I think personally that rather than bein g appalled byt he treatment of her DC, the OP seems to be revelling in a chance to slag off her ex's new partner. Someone the OP has never met who is cruel, strange and fat.... Hmm An awful lot of drip feeding going on too...

If what the OP says is completely true and not exagerated in any way (and after all, it's from a third party, the OP has no direct experience of this) then of course it's odd, but although the DC may laugh about it now, I wouldn't be allowing my own 9 and 11 year old to be subjected to this sort of behaviour.

pigletmania · 01/10/2012 15:25

I hope that Its not true as its so sad. But her children are teenagers and are capable of making decisions whether to go or not, and they want to as they want to see their dad

MrSunshine · 01/10/2012 15:48

if I recognise OP's backstory correctly, it wouldn't be the first time, midori.

choceyes · 01/10/2012 15:54

YANBU. Sounds quite worrying really.

It is the other way round in this household. The DCs, 4 and 2 get the good stuff and we get the left overs Grin. For example, if we have a pack of salmon fillets, they come in a pack of 2, I give one fillet to the kids and give one to DH (who always insist he will share his with me anyway) and I just eat veg and the carbs or occassionally I will fry an egg for myself. Last night we had to feed them in a hurry as we got in late, so quickly fried some king prawns for them with noodles. They liked the king prawns so much they asked for more, so there went our evening meal, we had to dig something else out of the freezer for us. They always come first.
As for what DCs prefer - a big quantity of cheap icecream or a small amount of haagan daaz - I've no doubt that DS in particular would choose the large amount of icecream, but I wouldn't give them cheap "icecream" anyway, he will have to make do with a scoop of the good stuff.
I read in a book once that if the men in the worl halved the amount of meat they ate and the small kids doubled it, then both groups would be healthier. Kids need good protein and the best food.

Born2bemild · 01/10/2012 16:21

While it is wrong to routinely give dc cheaper, I'm not about to wring my hands over the once a month Sat night when we might have steak and pudding after the dc are in bed. It's the alternative to us going out for dinner together

midori1999 · 01/10/2012 16:28

MrSunshine, I hope not. Things are rarely so one sided and I say that as someone whose own Stepmum used to tell my father when he got in from work that we hadn't tidied our room when we had and when we went up with him to check she would have actually messed it up again... Shock So I'm well aware of how cruel some people can be.

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