Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder - is it normal to feed you children cheaper food than you eat yourself?

418 replies

Mrsbiggs · 30/09/2012 13:36

We (OH, me and 5 of our various children) had corn on the cob with dinner last night. DS (15) and DD (13) said "we aren't allowed to have this at dads - its "adult food"".

I was a bit Shock and asked them what they meant. Apparently their dads OH (they have been together 4 yrs I have never met her but she has caused many many issues, and destroyed a once amicable and friendly divorce) - buys economy food for the children ( she has 2 DC of her own) and finest food for her and the kids dad. They have Heinz beans and the kids have value range, at BBQ's the kids are only allowed a burger or a sausage, not kebabs or chops etc and they aren't allowed pudding (and have to watch the "adults") eat theirs, and they are not allowed to talk at the dinner table Hmm. The adults have chops etc while the DC have pasta bake.

Am I right in thinking this is appalling, and bordering on abusive or do other people do this?

OP posts:
shadycharacter · 30/09/2012 21:45

I did a home start volunteer prep course recently - treating a child as a less worthy member of the family than any other member (children or adults) is classed as emotional abuse according to home start.

I'm shocked that people on here are seeing this as normal. OP the way YOUR children are being treated is disgusting, I'll be blunt and say I think it's your responsibility to act on the information your children are giving you.

How is it acceptable to only give children bruised fruit when fresh is available and only allow them to sit on an uncomfortable surface when a comfortable one is available? It is intentionally cruel and damaging to their self esteem. Children should be encouraged to challenge nasty treatment not sit back and get used to it.

I would not be allowing my children to go off and be treated like that on a weekly basis, sitting by and waving them off knowing what goes on with that vile woman is almost condoning it - giving the wrong message to the children IMO.

Original poster
Mrsbiggs · 30/09/2012 23:00

I am a counsellor and work in CP - my kids are fine am not that botherd - we laugh about it.

It's not right though Sad.

OP posts:
marriedinwhite · 30/09/2012 23:10

It's not right; it just isn't. But the richest family we know (and I mean rich in living in a house you would expect to pay to enter) used to give their children the cheapest most awful hotdogs/sausages/chicken nuggets, etc. for tea whilst they went out to Simply Nico/Le Manoir etc. Same children at v v expensive schools used to have uniform that was bought at leat three sizes too big and not enough of it for a clean dress/blouse every day.

pigletmania · 30/09/2012 23:12

I feel so sorry for her kids, they have to live with feeling inferior and second best, at least yours have normality. I hope that karma bites her in her big fat behind, and her kids treat her how she treated them and she feels how it's like to be treated that way

squeakytoy · 30/09/2012 23:16

lynette. why though??

Seriously, as a kid I never expected to come above my parents.

They got a new bed, I got their old one, and I was so chuffed, as previously I had a single, now I had a double.

Same with the tv.. they got a new one, I got the old one, and again, I was thrilled.

I would never in a million years have expected to get more than my parents got, or be first, as I was the child and they were the adults, and I knew that when I was an adult, that would be my turn to choose. I never felt neglected, abused or second class.

marriedinwhite · 30/09/2012 23:26

If money was an issue, I would be the one eating less well than my children.

justbogoffnow · 30/09/2012 23:36

Do you know what she feeds her children when yours are not there?

booomy · 30/09/2012 23:47

My mum was raised this way. Tins of Beans for dinner while her dad and mum ate meat and veg everyday. He was a violent drunk though.

I agree with buying cheap stuff for things DS won't notice, I do the same with DP though. That's because they're both hoovers. Eg cheap biscuits for DP because he eats a pack at the time!

Jux · 01/10/2012 00:52

I hate to admit it, but this is what dh tried to do. I gather that this was the norm among his family and friends. This would have been in the late 50s and early to mid 60s. Maybe it was the norm then (not in my family, but mum was born and bred on the continent so a lot of things which were normal for us were not normal for others).

Please note that dh only tried to do it, but as I did most of the cooking it simply didn't happen.

Mind you, we had steak last night and dd only had bolognese. However, she was out for the evening so we didn't eat it in front of her. In fact, she doesn't actually know. Blush

squeakytoy · 01/10/2012 00:54

why the Blush ? is there something wrong with bolognaise? does she not like it?

I just do not get the reasoning that children must have exactly the same as the adults.. it isnt necessary.

LucieMay · 01/10/2012 01:06

I don't purposely buy cheaper stuff for DS but he does have a much smaller palate than me (and I eat practically anything) so I probably do spend less on him, but I don't scrimp on the stuff he DOES he like.

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 01/10/2012 01:09

cheap cereal for the dc's because a lot of it ends up on the floor/in the bin... but if there were only 2 things left (eg fruit) the dc's ould get them and I would go without... and i save stuff that the dc really like and go without myself.

their dad on the other hand has been known to make food for the adults and not them. Shock he got read the riot act, the children got my food.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts · 01/10/2012 07:21

But the bits that don't go on the floor go in their mouth! I don't think the fact a child may drop some food justifies getting them cheaper than you have!

Lueji · 01/10/2012 07:30

I see the argument that children can't tell better food from value is much used.

But how can they if they never taste it?

Besides, value meat is more likely to be full of growth hormones and antibiotics and crap.
Why give that to your growing child and eat organic?
The mind boggles.

primigravida · 01/10/2012 07:39

I actually do the opposite sometimes and buy my kids more expensive stuff which is super healthy e.g. blueberries for them and apples for us as I am more concerned about their nutrition than ours as they are pickier eaters.
I always give them the option of having what we have, unless it's something unhealthy, which I would eat once they are in bed. Sometime they will have cheaper stuff, but it is their choice to prefer frozen peas instead of cavalo nero or cheese sticks instead of steak. It is cruel to eat pudding in front of someone without sharing.

Yika · 01/10/2012 08:06

I'm surprised how common this seems to be. I'd never heard of anyone doing this before.

OhTheConfusion · 01/10/2012 09:17

How sad :( Some people really are quite strange.

We all eat the same in this house... and heaven forbid DS ate the extra roast potatoes and roast beef last night Hmm

If I were you OP I would be having a word with my ExH and sending the kids with some 'kid food' in their bags... the posher the better!

MummyPig24 · 01/10/2012 09:22

I think its just very odd! Sometimes the kids will have fishfingers and we will have fish fillet in breadcrumbs. The kids prefee fishfingers. With regards to quality we all eat the same. We all eat tesco beans and cathedral city cheese, because we all like them. I don't like the whole "the kids wont like it" thing, I'd rather let them try it and decide!

freddiefrog · 01/10/2012 09:28

We all eat the same stuff, I'm not running a cafe

I might sometimes buy something different if my kids don't like something - I treated DH and I to some steak as it was reduced in Sainsbury's last week, my girls don't like steak so they had sausages instead

I tend to buy Value/Basics biscuits and own brand fun-size choc - my kids are quantity over quality where biscuits/sweets are concerned but I don't like expensive Green & Blacks type chocolate either

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts · 01/10/2012 09:32

Lueji I agree...my DC know the difference between god food and cheap food. We don't always have "the best" food but when we do they know the difference.

DD1 is a real foodie and loves sushi, she'll spend her pocket money on it now and then because it's a rare treat...but she always offers to share.

Shinyshoes1 · 01/10/2012 09:42

We eat Heinz .. My children will have Heinz
We have birds eye 100% fish fillet fish fingers .. My children will have birds eye 100% fish fillet fish fingers
We have lamb cutlets .. My children will have lamb cutlets
We have sirloin steak .. My children will have sirloin steak

My children are not second rate citizens .
The step mother is being a dick

Blatherskite · 01/10/2012 09:43

No need to Blush Jux, I gave my kids steak last night and they turned it down. They love bolognese though and would have much preferred it. Assuming it's made with quality meat (not 90% growth hormones and water), it would probably have been the better option for us last night.

OTTMummA · 01/10/2012 10:12

I struggle that SS would think it's ok to treat f children differently to other children in the house. My DM absolutely treated us the same, Christmas, Birthdays and the very occasional holidays. No weekend respite care for the carer (wtf is that about); if you lived with us, you were absolutely part of the family - warts and all.

IvanaHumpaLot Your mum sounds like a treasure, i truely wish that all foster carer's are the same as her, but they are not, i did say that i have lived with some lovely foster carer's, but also lived with 2 awful ones, and then a few that did a good enough job, but you could tell they had been worn down over the years, which isn't unusual.

I had one carer who put a £30 limit on all the foster childrens bday and xmas presents, but then would buy her children £££'s worth and make you sit and watch their piles grow and grow whilst you tried to amuse yourself with a cheap tracksuit and make up set.
(i am not materialsitc as an adult, but as a child you tend to notice things like this)
One christmas they only gave me my present just before bed because i had 'behaved' by helping cook the dinner and tidy up all the wrapping paper and hadn't 'moaned all day'.

Another year i got a months supply of toiletries because i had enough gall to tell her that i was entitled to a certain amount of £ - think it was child benifit, without having to clean the whole house and sweep, and polish her parque flooring each sunday for £5 a week so i could buy tampons, moisturiser, razors and deoderant as she wouldn't buy these for me.

Another would take us on holiday to butlins, camping etc for a week and then would go to Antiga or America for 2 weeks with their children, the younger children used to get so upset going into respite and then the carers would act all suprised when we didn't seem to enjoy looking over their pictures.

Another one wanted to turn me into a princess ballerina Confused and put me into dance lessons, but bought me a pink leotard and made me wear it without a bra on (developed early) so then i got teased because everyone could see my breasts and nipples, then told me i was very ungrateful when i asked for a black leotard because she had spent so much money on the kit, shoes, everything.

I could go on, these aren't even the worst i have experienced, but i can assure you, SS are not blind to these things going on, so long as it isn't causing trouble then they have more important things to deal with as far as i could see at the time.

MrSunshine · 01/10/2012 10:18

its odd they have never mentioned it before, if its been like this for years?

twolittlemonkeys · 01/10/2012 10:19

I do this sometimes, but only because my DC are fussy and refuse to eat the sort of food that DH and I like to eat. But I make sure it's good quality (eg Birds Eye fishfingers, not value ones!) But if we are all eating the same thing for dinner, then we'll all have decent quality food. I keep trying to give them nutritious homecooked meals but they don't want to know :( (DS1 has ASD-related food issues and I think DS2 just copies his brother tbh).

At that age (early teens) I vividly remember exaggerating things I didn't like about my Dad and Stepmum's house/ routines/ expectations/ what we did, because I bore a massive grudge against them for years after my dad left my mum for SM.