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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Marry the man, marry his family

126 replies

CuriosityCola · 29/09/2012 22:02

Would I be unreasonable to consider leaving a lovely guy because I detest spending time with his family?

We are a clash of personalities. I feel bad if dh doesn't see his family as much because of me. However, I normally end up seeing them every weekend and it has gone from me finding them slightly annoying to not being able to stand them.

Part of me thinks this is my immaturity and I should just get on with things and bite my tongue. Another part thinks life is too short to spend lots of time with (and all important occasions including my birthday) with people I don't like.

OP posts:

TidyGOLDDancer · 29/09/2012 22:04

What is the actual problem with them?

RobynRidingHood · 29/09/2012 22:05

Most men marry copies of their mothers. That should cheer you up no end

sookiesookie · 29/09/2012 22:07

Hmmm.

I won't lie, not liking you inlaws can make life hard.

Why do you see them every weekend? can that be reduced? Can you visit them the day after your birthday and spend your birthday doing something you want?

If the visiting schedule is being dictated and has no room for changing then I would suggest the relationship won't work.

I like my in laws and only see them once a month.

Original poster

CuriosityCola · 29/09/2012 22:07

Over bearing. All conversations can be traced back to the daily mail. Tonight's dinner covered homosexuality being hereditary, how heroin addicts should be sterilised, a bit of politics and then some mundane football chat. Lots of general looking down on people.

Otherwise, they are 'nice' people. I just can't stand their company.

OP posts:

NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown · 29/09/2012 22:10

It's a hard call but if you're considering it that seriously it might be worth asking yourself how much you really want to be with him despite the family.

I think if I was with a man and didn't get on with his family - let's say they were horrible to me - and he didn't stand up for me or tell them when they were out if order then I would think seriously about whether it was worth staying. But if you just don't get on I think it would be a different matter.

Life is too short to spend it with people you don't get on with, but if they're related to the person you want to spend the rest of your life with I think you need to bend the rules a bit to make things work.

I presume you don't have children together? If you did would you be denying them a relationship with their GPs just because you don't like them? I would probably support that if they were toxic or abusive but if you just find them annoying... As I say I'd be questioning how much you really want to be with this man in the first place

ssd · 29/09/2012 22:10

dont blame you they sound awful

Original poster

CuriosityCola · 29/09/2012 22:12

I was given a surprise family meal for my birthday which his family were all invited to.

I try and cut down on visits or arrange visits to keep them short and sweet. Otherwise it always turns into a whole day or needing to spend the night. I can't drive so I'm stuck here. dh adores them and wants to spend as much time as possible with them. It makes me feel like a horrible person.

We used to live much further away and only seen them every few months.

OP posts:

AKissIsNotAContract · 29/09/2012 22:13

Are you already married? Why do you see them every week. Can't you suggest dropping this to every 6 weeks? I'd lose the will to live if I saw my inlaws weekly but 6 weekly is fine.

Original poster

CuriosityCola · 29/09/2012 22:16

I have a ds (1 year) that they adore and what to spend loads of time with. This means constant requests for weekday meet ups on top of weekend meet ups.

I adore my husband. His family (parents and dsis and bil) aren't horrible people. Mil is a little Hyacinth B. I just struggle to sit through meals listening to extreme views and not being able to argue without seeming unreasonable. Dh could be from a different family

OP posts:

sookiesookie · 29/09/2012 22:21

homosexuality being hereditary really? is not quite a difficult thing to pass on to your children? Does that mean now its more acceptable to be gay there will less homosexuals in the future as many won't have genetic children.

Sorry I just laughed at that and wondered how the conversation went.

If you have been with dh a while and have dc I would try to speak to him about it and reduce the contact. I assumed you had only been with him a short time.

Seems a shame to throw away an established, good relationship because of to many visits to pils.

sookiesookie · 29/09/2012 22:22

sorry missed a bit
Does that mean now its more acceptable to be gay there will less homosexuals in the future as many won't have genetic children. and there being fewer marriages to cover homosexuality up?

LimeLeafLizard · 29/09/2012 22:23

So you are married with a one year old DS? I think in those circumstances, you should try to figure a way to reduce the amount of time you spend with them rather than take the drastic step of leaving him.

Does your DH know how you feel about them? Is he a bigot Mail reader too? If not, does he ever enter the debate to put a liberal pov?

AKissIsNotAContract · 29/09/2012 22:26

When do you see your own parents or your friends? It seems that you spend all your free time with your PILs.

Original poster

CuriosityCola · 29/09/2012 22:28

Dh isn't like them at all.

The gay conversation went to, ' well we don't need to worry (about grandchildren) as there have never been any in our family'. So the conversation continued and I sunk lower under the table.

It's the only thing we argue about. I don't want to be miserable. He wants to see his family. There doesn't seem to be a win win.

OP posts:

Original poster

CuriosityCola · 29/09/2012 22:30

akiss I try to organise things. Like today I seen friends before coming I inlaws. We have to stay tonight. Tomorrow avo we are escaping here as I have made plans to see dh's friends. It's not acceptable to not want to visit and not have plans, because why wouldn't we want to visit

OP posts:

lotsofcheese · 29/09/2012 22:31

Sounds like my MIL! They wanted to visit weekly whey DS was born. Between the judgey shite & treating my home like a fucking restaurant, I wanted to kill them with my bare hands. The only way to go was to reduce contact.

But YABU to think of leaving him

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 29/09/2012 22:33

It sounds like a horrible situation to be in. Would you honestly consider leaving him over this, or was that just a thread title?

Could it be that you are having to spend more time with them at the moment because of where your life is at as you have a baby, but in the future it could be easier?

AKissIsNotAContract · 29/09/2012 22:34

Why can't he see them without you?

DontmindifIdo · 29/09/2012 22:34

Have you told your dh that you don't enjoy their company? He might not realise you find them 'trying'...

I second making alternative plans, I see no reason why you can't book in something for 3 out of 4 weekends, now's the perfect time to start, "now everyone's back from holidays we should start having a few people over, there's x and y, it's definitely our turn to host, let's invite them for dinner" "x and y are going to come over mid afternoon to see ds first, I'll have to spend the morning preparing, why don't you pop over to your parents with ds? I'll see you back here for lunch, oh and next weekend a&b have invited us for dinner, we can sleep over so settle ds down in the travel cot and not need babysitters"

Just organise the hell out of your life!

sookiesookie · 29/09/2012 22:36

OP i would have said, really loudly. 'we have loads of 'gays' on my side, loads. so don't count your chickens just yet' with a really big grin.

squeakytoy · 29/09/2012 22:36

YANBU at all really. I have done it. I couldnt stay with someone and have a family with them if I didnt get on with his family.

ChaoticismyLife · 29/09/2012 22:36

Why can't your dh see them without you?

Could he not pop in and see them on his way home from work or a weekend morning and take ds with him. Then you could arrange to do something together in the afternoon.

Mintyy · 29/09/2012 22:38

If he adores them then I can't see how he will fail to gradually morph into his parents in years to come. He clearly doesn't share your abhorrence of their political views, so how can you have all that much in common?

Mintyy · 29/09/2012 22:39

I do think there is a very strong genetic element to homosexuality btw .

LimeLeafLizard · 29/09/2012 22:46

sookie

OP, you say 'It's not acceptable to not want to visit and not have plans, because why wouldn't we want to visit' - this would be a BIG problem for me - why shouldn't you just spend time with your own little family, relaxing or doing stuff at home?! Who is it not acceptable to, him or his family?

You need to be a bit more assertive and make it clear that it is not acceptable to you to visit your PIL every weekend - whether you have other plans or not!

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