Marry the man, marry his family

[CuriosityCola]

Would I be unreasonable to consider leaving a lovely guy because I detest spending time with his family?

We are a clash of personalities. I feel bad if dh doesn't see his family as much because of me. However, I normally end up seeing them every weekend and it has gone from me finding them slightly annoying to not being able to stand them.

Part of me thinks this is my immaturity and I should just get on with things and bite my tongue. Another part thinks life is too short to spend lots of time with (and all important occasions including my birthday) with people I don't like.

I would stop seeing him- saves a lot of anguish in the long run. They are not foundlings - you get the family. The only thing that would stop me breaking it off would be for him to stand up to them and get agreement and understanding NOW.

ah right, so you're being cast as the villain in the piece are you now?
That would actually start to be the problem in itself for me. And would definitely colour my feelings about my DH.

You can take this either way - either say "fine, next time I'll bloody well tell them what a bunch of narrowminded bigots they are then, shall I?" and make sure you fully and energetically engage in dismantling their ridiculous opinions; or you can tell him where he can stick his family visits and he can go on his own from now on, because God Forbid his precious family should feel uncomfortable! As if they did anyway. He probably felt uncomfortable because he knew you were but didn't want to make waves with his family - it's doubtful that they were bothered or they would have either changed the conversation or shut up.

Sorry he's being an arse over it - and very sorry for you.

Oh poor you. I had a lot of help on here earlier this year and through relate counselling with a similar problem though we didn't see them as frequently as you see yours. The rant about how you should have participated more in the "debate" and your dp being angry at you for being miserable touched a nerve
I think you should point out to your dp that you are only miserable as you are trying so hard for him and you are frustrated. And also say you are unsure how supported you would be if you engaged in the "debate" which is why you don't feel like speaking up.
If he doesn't agree to try to see it from your perspective can you consider relate?
It's all very well telling him how you feel bit if he Wont listen, or is getting angry when you tell him how you feel a professional may help.

Every weekend is far too often to see family, your own or his. Your time with DH and DS is really precious surely? So I agree with others that this needs to be negotiated.

I have in laws that have views I don't share about homosexuality, immigration etc that are fuelled solely by the tabloid press. We live in a large city and have friends from a wide variety of backgrounds so they have been forced to speak to and get on with gay, black and Asian friends that they certainly wouldn't have normally. So they've either had to shut up or become more tolerant. I deliberately challenged my nine year old nephew's views on being gay recently and DH backed me up. To not challenge their stupid views is to unwillingly endorse them. It's hard, but they'll learn to respect you more IMO.

When they're not being particularly offensive, just boring (MIL recounts the fucking minutiae of her life in one woman monologues) I act 'in role' as someone else, usually I imagine being the best DIL ever! I nod, smile, laugh at the right moments and force feed them tea and cake. Yes, it's a bit PA as I'm secretly thinking, "Shut the fuck up!!!", but it keeps me sane and DH happy.

I have IL's that drive me to distraction when they make sweeping statements about things, but most of the time I just give a look that makes it obvious don't agree! So does my husband. We love them, but, God they are annoying. Makes me sound like a teenager! I'm 48!
Trouble is my 20 year old son does to me what I do to them so I try to put myself in their shoes and accept that their views are not my views. We used to see them weekly when the children were younger, but we only see them once a month - ish now.

If I were you, I would stop biting my tongue. You can be polite, and still give the other viewpoint. Also, I would send DH every other visit, with ds, and have a morning to myself. See how that goes and take it from there.

curiositycola I could have written your post word for word... including the bit where you say :
I'm really really tired of being the horrible person all the time. I don't like who I am when I am around them.
My ILS aren't bad people,they can be very nice infact. It's their views I really struggle with. I don't want to argue all the time because my opinions are so vastly different.
When they go on about the horrid forrinners I feel my heckles going up. I am forrin MIL,as in being from abroad,not British born.... That hurts my feelings! The answer is usually you know we don't mean you.....
It's when they come out with delightful Daily Fail opinions like how scandalous it is that 1 in 8 babies born in Britain are born to a foreign born mother that I struggle to keep my mouth shut. You are talking about my children!! your grandchildren MIL,don't you realise that??
The answer I get is usually :"O,now your deliberately being provocative,you know exactly what I mean". Yes MIL,you mean black people,but don't quite want to go as far as saying that....
Luckily my DC realise how racist they are and they just laugh it off.

I don't go round there much,do enjoy their company at times,but do feel as if I'm always the difficult one.

I wouldn't leave my DH over it though,he doesn't share their opinions and just shrugs it off,saying I should do the same.

Ease off OP,slowly but surely and insist on being allowed some time with just your family unit.Sounds like you may struggle convincing your DH on that one though....

I think you need to point out that if you had joined in the 'debate' there would probably have been a row. Is that preferable?
When you get home, you need to sit down with him and talk it through. You are seeing way too much of them and it's not fair. Point out that you'd probably like them better if you saw them less.
If he won't discuss it rationally, then you have some thinking to do.

The only thing I voiced my opinion on was the teacher who has ran away with his student. Sil and bil both just think he has been a little silly. After all, it shouldn't be underestimated how alluring and manipulative a teenage girl can be

When I first met my STBXH he spent every Sunday in the same pattern, lunch at a cafe with mum brother sister . (DSis H wasn't invited...)

Then back Jo brothers house then mums then sisters. Every bloody week. And he worked most Saturdays so no time together. We did this for six months then I said that I would like to have dinner with my family or see my grandparents or go out for the day. So then we had lunch once a month instead which was much better.

Also when you have a child things change again and you want family days out and time together

TBH your update makes me think your inlaws aren't your only problem. Your DH is too. Why should he pick what you do every single weekend?! Why can't you take it in turns? He decides one week (seeing his parents, borrrrriiiiinnnnng!) you decide the next week,l you both decide together the week after (you have to both agree!)

There is room for compromise but he has to do some too!

"Sil and bil both just think he has been a little silly. After all, it shouldn't be underestimated how alluring and manipulative a teenage girl can be"

Getting so sick of attitudes like that!

Also my exMIL was very awkward and opinionated and had no friends. Her own kids think she is a pain in the arse but feel obliged to see her.

I had to bite my tongue repeatedly while she criticised me for getting pregnant (age 36 and married she said "oh youre not are you?" then using a dummy and bottle feeding (ooh nobody else in our family has ever done that) (forgetting that she FF STBXH as she was still bf his sister....

They moved from another county to this one and she repeatedly declared that everybody from here is mental "and not like back home".

Another classic was , in front of me to STBXH and XBIL "trouble with you two is you always pick up with mental women".....

It's the one benefit to come out of twunt leaving me... I don't have to put up with that witch any more :-)

So try and limit the time you do have to spend with them, grit your teeth when you do and use DS as an excuse to be busy elsewhere

thewashfairy Exactly the same here!! My ILs don't recognise themselves as economic migrants at all because they're white.

Anticipating MIL's one woman show at 1pm. I've made brownies to shovel into her. I'm afraid OP looking at this thread you're not alone in negotiating this most delicate of relationships...

OP, I think that the problem is your DP. Plenty of people's ILs are arseholes, or their is just a big personalisty clash. As this thread shows. I think I spent a lot of time telling people just how awful they

However, I really think you need to sit down with your DP and ask him what it is he wants you to do, and what will happen IF (and of course it will) go wrong. And then see them again if you are happy with that. Otherwise, speaking from bitter experience, you will need to get someone else involved. Relate were good. It worked out in a strange way though.

If you want to PM me about it do.

Problem is margaret I want to like them,they are a good laugh at times and it makes me feel sad I can not see them as my family as my own still lives in my home country.
I am also fiercely independent,whereas they like to be needed. They see that as rejecting their help and ^wanting it all my way. All ILS DC live within a 2 mile radius (including us) and are round there all the time. Drives me insane,the whole clingyness of it is just not healthy in my eyes.
I wish I could just give over and join in,but I can not get myself to do it..... My Dh being their least favourite child (they're quite open about this) isn't being helped by him having a difficult wife

@thewashfairy I agree. I never thought I wouldn't be able to get on ok with my ILs, but I had no idea just how much of an arsehold FIL was and just how dysfunctional the rest of the family was around his behaviour. And just thow badly that would mix with my nature.

The most horrible thing about it all is that DP does say that he thinks a different women would have been able to fulfil his ideal fantasy about how a woman would have reacted to his family (ie not reacted).

Emigrate

Challenge their views. Join in the debate, if your DH wants you to so much, and see how he/they all like it.

YANBU not to want to see them less! When do you have time to see YOUR family?!

I like my in laws (who i see every few months) although we have v different views. I try to see the debates/conversations as a bit of fun - get involved in the debate etc although I nearly cried the other day during one "debate" but putting that down to preg hormones

I'm not sure I'd like them as much if I saw them every weekend though!

I could have written your post OP. Before I married DH I almost left him because his parents told my SIL she could marry anyone as long as he wasn't black. They didn't want the grandchildren to be bullied, apparently. I was utterly furious and didn't speak to them for a week which was difficult as we were on holiday in France at the time! After much reassurance DH and I stayed together but every so often he does or says things that remind me of his father and my stomach turns.

I have always challenged them on their views and always will. If they don't like it or don't like me as a result, tough. If they ever say anything in front of any kids we might have in the future I would withdraw contact and let them know why.

We see them every 6-8 weeks which is more than enough. We used to see them weekly and it damaged our relationship terribly. Put your foot down about this - although you might not want to make it a 'them or me' ultimatum, maybe that will be the only way to show him how serious you are?

I'm sorry I really don't agree with the posts that she should just join in with the "debate".

I think OP needs to think long and hard about what she wants to get out of the situation and needs to get a definate answer out of her DP out what he wants to get out of the situation before she potentially starts a massive row without the support of her husband.

very interesting dilema!

i too and my DH are totally totally different to his parents the in laws.

for 6 years i bit my tongue and tried to be polite as nearly everything they said i didnt agree with - that is - whenever the conversation managed to veer off money or cleaning or mils precious house....

however - that isnt the reason i dont talk to them now.

i wouldnt leave my DH because of thier views....

with my in laws - yes i find thier values and views odious - however - that is thier views!

i am big and ugly enough to accept that people do have different views etc...

it was their constant critism of DH who has confidence issues and their over bearing nature - nothing was ever enough or appreciated....

whenever we saw them - or see them now at family things - they are just awful and bullying....

so - whilst i totally understand how painful it is to have to sit and listen to all sort of things you find repugnant....

you should be able to deal with that - by totally cutting down your time with them....and other ways....

leaving dh over that though.....i wouldnt.

OMG Curiousity I too could have written your post. Scary how many of us have overbearing bigoted inlaws!! I have been accused of being the difficult one when I don't want to spend time with inlaws although thankfully DH has realised he needs to start siding with me some of the time. Inlaws are not nasty, can be quite nice and adore our DC but they are just so overbearing most of the time. About 6 months ago I seriously considered leaving DH to get away from inlaws. The situation has improved a little although I swear inlaws have been saying stuff to their side of the family as DH was asked by his cousin recently whether he is "allowed" to do this or that!!

elizaregina - SNAP! Inlaws constantly putting down my DH. That is my major problem with them as don't want them doing it to my DC. DH knows this and gets it.

So in fact, your husband is not that lovely after all, when he cannot see your point of view regards his family, subject you to seeing them several times per week, just because he adores them, and generally does not back you up.

Not lovely at all!