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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Marry the man, marry his family

126 replies

CuriosityCola · 29/09/2012 22:02

Would I be unreasonable to consider leaving a lovely guy because I detest spending time with his family?

We are a clash of personalities. I feel bad if dh doesn't see his family as much because of me. However, I normally end up seeing them every weekend and it has gone from me finding them slightly annoying to not being able to stand them.

Part of me thinks this is my immaturity and I should just get on with things and bite my tongue. Another part thinks life is too short to spend lots of time with (and all important occasions including my birthday) with people I don't like.

OP posts:

thewashfairy · 30/09/2012 14:06

Yes also on the putting down bit. All ILS' DC do their utmost to 'impress' MIL and FIL or squeeze some kind of form of 'approval' out of them. DH will never get that.It gets him,and with that me,quite down from time to time. Sil is so afraid of not 'getting it right' she feels she can not do anything without them or make independent decisions. Bil is the golden child whose every move must be watched dewy eyed. He doesn't like that,and we tease him with it sometimes but it makes for some very complicated relationships and tension at times.

I watch like a hawk for repetitive behaviour from my husband towards my DC,especially my DS.

On the few occasions I catch DH in 'bullying mode' I call him by his dad's first name,just to remind him,and he stops.

How are things now OP? Is Dh back yet?

DontmindifIdo · 30/09/2012 15:14

oh god, I would go say "you know what, I've been thinking about it, and you're right, I should have participated more, so next time they come out with anything homophobic, or justifying child abuse, i'll tell them exactly what i think, is that ok with you? Oh, and for future, remember I find spending time with your parents a chore, which I do for your benefit, not mine. Next year, it's not a birthday treat to be with them, understood?"

Then proper sulk. He is in the wrong, you shouldn't be trying to chear him up, and I would have lft without him if at all physically possible. I'd also refuse point blank to stay over at their house.

Your DH has made this your problem, make it his again.

OneHandFlapping · 30/09/2012 15:26

Both DH's family and mine can at times come out with racist and homophobic remarks. I still love my family, and DH loves his - and I like them too. We tend to steer clear of contentious topics, but if something obnoxious is said by my family, I might mildly remonstrate. If it's DH's family, it's not my job to make waves.

I can't change their points of view, which probably derive from the time and place they come from. If I was eg a 90 year old countryman, I can't pretend I would be that enlightened either. As it is, I'm lucky enough to have been well educated, and been made to think.

Bobyan · 30/09/2012 17:08

Just become very busy, no one can make you see them...

2rebecca · 30/09/2012 17:38

I wouldn't want to marry a man who wanted to visit relatives every weekend. It sounds as though he doesn't have any hobbies or independence. I've lived away from my parents since age 18 though so find it odd when people are still round the corner from their parents.
I'm quite antisocial though so once a month would be plenty for me and the blokes I've fancied have usually felt similarly.
This weekend has been very busy, never understand how some people fit all the relly visiting in.
My husband sees his fairly local parents fairly often but usually goes after work without me. You don't have to go with him all the time just because you are going out with him. I don't believe you marry a family. I chose to live with my husband before I'd met any of his relatives. If I didn't like them I would rarely see them. I wouldn't stop him seeing them though, but wouldn't be with him if he was a mummy's boy. I suspect he wouldn't be with me if I wanted to constantly visit my relatives and be visited either.

2rebecca · 30/09/2012 17:46

I wouldn't want to be with a man who would "rant" at me because I was a bit quiet during dinners and who told me people have to tiptoe around me. I would think he didn't like of love me very much. It sounds as though you are expected to fit in with his plans. The power imbalance would bother me more than his parents who I'd just avoid. I don't believe that when you have kids extended relatives are entitled to take over your spare time and dictate how you spend your life.
He isn't sounding like a "lovely guy" here but a selfish inconsiderate one who loves his extended family more than you.
There are obviously big communication problems as well if he would plan a surprise party for your birthday that includes his relatives knowing you dislike them.

EdgarAllanPond · 30/09/2012 17:47

"I normally end up seeing them every weekend and it has gone from me finding them slightly annoying to not being able to stand them. "

you need time away so you can start looking forward to visits rather than dreading them.

you need to look at things to do in your area, just as a family, and go and do them - eg car boot sales, National trust, - start a massive DIY project that eats up both your weekend time - get involved in a charity or church (if you are that way inclined) - then weekends will whizz by without seeing them, you'll start getting more out of life, and so will your DH.

Jahan · 30/09/2012 18:03

Every weekend is way too much.
I get on fine with my in laws but would not want to see them every weekend. In fact, I am very close to my own family and I still don't see them every weekend.
I'd start taking steps to spend less time with them now.

raspberrytipple · 30/09/2012 18:26

God think yourself lucky curiosity, my inlaws read the Express. Almost every conversation starts with 'did you see it said in the paper.....'. Our answer is always 'NO'.

Can't you skip time, send him on his own. I love my inlaws dearly but some days I just can't cope with it. DH feels the same about mine sometimes though so I visit alone. Once a month is plenty!

Original poster

CuriosityCola · 30/09/2012 20:25

Sorry for not responding sooner. Thank you for all the replies.

Had a really good think about what happened, things posted on here and a long chat with dh. We have agreed that I won't be seeing his family as much and if he wants to see them, he can go on his own. I had been trying to keep our calendar busier and I think it came as a shock when I showed him my diary filled with 'at in-laws' etc.

Reading back over my posts I realise that I have drip fed. Was just really emotional when I originally began posting. Dh is aware that I don't get on well with his family. His mum is the queen of emotional blackmail though and always seems to get her way. Its amazing what saying 'I just want to help' and having a 'soft heart' can let you get away with.

Hopefully this will be the start of a positive change. I do resonate with the poster below who knows that they don't meet their partners hopes of a happy (wider) family.

I moved away from home when I was 18 and like my space from my family. They are a different set of nightmares, but we seem to be able to laugh about it.

Any ideas for getting out of taking our turn their at Christmas?

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 30/09/2012 20:30

I would simply tell them that you and dh have decided to spend Christmas together at your own home. Get out of this habit of taking turns, before it becomes entrenched.

Don't allow dh to put all the blame on you, when he speaks to them. He needs to let his parents know this is a joint decision and he should back you up in front of them. you and he need to be a united front when dealing with them. If he is easily manipulated by his mum, then you tell her what you have decided for Christmas.

Best of luck

Original poster

CuriosityCola · 30/09/2012 20:41

I have just seen a message flash up on dh's phone from mil, his messages appear on the notification. We tend to read each others messages anyway. It asks is everything ok. That I had bad manners for checking my phone at the dinner table last night and for not leaving on the best terms today. It also states that she thinks he puts up with a lot and asks if she should have a word

In reflection I did check my phone a lot which is bad banners. When I left the house dh and I weren't speaking so that was obviously picked up on.

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 30/09/2012 20:48

She has no business criticising your manners while shoving her horrible opinions down your throat. She is far too heavily involved in your marriage.

If she does have a 'word', you will be well within your rights to let rip.

Your dh needs to give you proper space from his family, before this all gets very ugly.

Jahan · 30/09/2012 21:44

Checking your phone at dinner is pretty bad and you realise that but why should she be having a word with you??

I suggest that you just be gracious about any 'words' said and just carry on with your plan of seeing them less.

DontmindifIdo · 30/09/2012 21:48

Let's just remember, this was supposed to be your birthday treat...

Original poster

CuriosityCola · 30/09/2012 21:50

The meal last night wasn't my birthday treat. It was just a family gathering.

I need to have a good hard look at myself and how I am coming across in front of them.

OP posts:

LaQueen · 30/09/2012 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 30/09/2012 22:09

Checking your phone at dinner is rude, but a good hostess does not then discuss how rude one of her guests has been with other guests. Her attidude doesn't sound as though she wants to improve the relationship, just stir things up.
It sounds as though it was made worse by your husband then staying longer than he'd agreed.
Your husband would be wise to tell her "things are fine now" and not discuss your relationship further with her and put a bit of space between you and her to allow things to settle.

Haberdashery · 30/09/2012 22:29

I need to have a good hard look at myself and how I am coming across in front of them.

Um, no. I think you need to decide how much contact you want to have with them, your DH needs to decide if he wants to support you or not and they need to decide if they want to make you feel happy about spending time with them or not. The relationship between you all is not all your responsibility. There are several people involved here and you all need to make accommodations for each other in the interests of harmony. If only one person is doing that then it isn't fair. Are you the only person who is trying to do that? It sounds that way.

Haberdashery · 30/09/2012 22:35

BTW, I cannot stand my in-laws. They are so BORING, they don't listen to what I say, they talk AT me about people I've met once six years ago, they're really very very dull and they tell me about Daily Mail/Telegraph articles all the bloody time. However, they aren't rude or homophobic or racist, they don't try to make me see them all the time, they don't try to drive a wedge between me and DH and they don't 'have a word' with me about my behaviour regardless of what they might think about it. Because, despite their other faults, they do see that I am an autonomous adult. I don't really like them but I can be nice to them and I am nice to them. And they don't really like me but they're nice to me too because that is what civilised adults do in this situation. If anyone is not being nice/polite/civilised to anyone else, then that is the person who is at fault.

zipzap · 30/09/2012 22:38

Send a message back to say that the only reason that you were checking your phone was because you feel that you are not allowed to join in the conversation because then they will be getting at you for daring to not agree with their opinions.

I know that this isn't something you'd do and I'm not really recommending that you do - but figured it might give you a grin to day dream about sending it - and thinking what the response might be!

5Foot5 · 30/09/2012 23:00

Most people have already made the points I would have but here is one to throw in to the mix.

Your Ds is only tiny at the moment so won't be picking up on the conversation. But when he get a little older do you really want him to be regularly exposed to he sort of bigoted views that will emanate from the Daily Mail?

I am definitely not suggesting you leave your DH but I am saying you should start challenging their views very strongly and ensuring your DH is on side about this. At least that way you will be more used to telling them exactly what they think when the time comes that they say something wildly inappropriate in front of your DS and you have to make sure he knows mum and dad don't agee with that.

PeppermintLatte · 30/09/2012 23:49

re - the message flashing up on your husband's phone... your MIL has got a bloody cheek! have a word?? it's none of her bloody business! that being said, it wouldn't have come to this had you not put your foot down sooner. yes, you were rude to keep checking your phone at dinner, but you didn't want to be there, you must be at the end of your tether.

there's nothing wrong with DH taking your DS to see them for a visit without you. urge your DH to call in for a cup of tea once a week with your son, all he needs to say is "CuriosityCola is doing the housework/meeting friends/gone shopping etc..."

i don't think you can break contact completely, you are all family now whether you like it or not and it will be nice for your son to see you all together ocassionally as he gets older. go once a month, smile, be polite and then leave when you are ready.

i find my inlaws boring, really nice, but boring. we are very casual with our relationship, as in MIL will call us and invite us for sunday lunch every few weeks, no set dates etc.. and we do the same with inviting them. it works well and of course i make the effort. i couldn't and wouldn't do it every week, i'd die of boredom

Thumbwitch · 30/09/2012 23:49

I am glad that you have had a talk with your DH. Do tell him that if your MIL takes it upon herself to "have a word", you'll have your own word back again.

Yes I do think it was bad manners for you to check your phone at dinner - you shouldn't even have had it at the table [old gimmer] but you accept that and won't do it again, will you?

I really hope it works out and I'm pleased that your DH has agreed you don't need to go there every time. I'm fairly sure it will get a bit easier to deal with if you only see them every now and then instead of weekly. Good luck!

QuintessentialShadows · 01/10/2012 08:29

Your MIL needs to butt right out of your life.

If I had to endure the inlaws several times per week, I think I would also be on my phone a lot, at one of the thrice weekly gatherings, and not speak to my husband upon leaving!

And your dh needs to help keep her out, and help create distance.

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