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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Marry the man, marry his family

126 replies

CuriosityCola · 29/09/2012 22:02

Would I be unreasonable to consider leaving a lovely guy because I detest spending time with his family?

We are a clash of personalities. I feel bad if dh doesn't see his family as much because of me. However, I normally end up seeing them every weekend and it has gone from me finding them slightly annoying to not being able to stand them.

Part of me thinks this is my immaturity and I should just get on with things and bite my tongue. Another part thinks life is too short to spend lots of time with (and all important occasions including my birthday) with people I don't like.

OP posts:

Original poster

CuriosityCola · 01/10/2012 08:45

haberdashery I think I had been making too many accommodations and Sat night brought it to a head. Suddenly stopping has put me in the wrong too.

What worries me is that I am seen as the bad person he has to put up with.

OP posts:

Original poster

CuriosityCola · 01/10/2012 08:50

zipzap

I really appreciate all the responses. Especially as my head is all over the place at the moment and I'm finding it hard to think about the situation logically. Being a fiery Scot has its disadvantages

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 01/10/2012 08:51

.... Whereas in actual fact YOU are the one putting up with him and his family...

I really feel for you. Does he not have any backbone?

Thumbwitch · 01/10/2012 08:52

Curiosity - really, don't take on the mantle of "bad person". It may be that your DH is feeling a touch guilty about the situation and is deflecting his guilt onto you - don't accept it. It may be that he's been made to feel bad by his family - that's his look out, don't accept it.

You've accepted that the phone-at-the-table wasn't the best plan, but the rest of it? Bah. Tell your DH that things will calm down if you don't have to see his family every bloody week.

Just try and relax about it all now - let things settle, give yourself a break, and see how things go next time. :)

2rebecca · 01/10/2012 08:52

This is only worrying if he sees it like that. This is a reason to see less of them though if they view you like that.

LaQueen · 01/10/2012 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 01/10/2012 09:04

The only right response your DH can make to that text is along the lines of 'Mind your own business.'

If he says anything else then you need to have another long chat.

marshmallowpies · 01/10/2012 09:04

Dinner at exPILs was always a battleground for me...the rest of the family arguing, his mum sulking about something, me trying not to get dragged into it.

Had a discussion with exP about this, several years down the line, and he said 'it's not arguing when we sit round the dinner table, it's heated debate'. An argument would involve crockery being broken and people leaving the table in tears....so I should have tolerated all the shouting because it was just healthy debate?

Thankfully I don't have those toxic people in my life any more. It was unbearable. In your place, OP, I would certainly be looking for other activities/friends/visits to fill the weekend with and get away from having to see these people every weekend.

Original poster

CuriosityCola · 01/10/2012 09:27

He texted back, 'it's complicated, will speak to you tomorrow'. He said he was going to phone and explain things.

I have messaged mil and apologised for bad table manners and said I felt uncomfortable with some of the conversations.

Then told dh that I am an adult and don't need him explaining my behaviour or apologising on my behalf to his family.

As for the putting up with me part, I'm going to take the advice on here and just get on with making plans that don't include them.

OP posts:

QuickLookBusy · 01/10/2012 09:28

I agree you shouldn't have to see them every weekend.

I also think it's worth saying that as your son grows up you don't want him to think his grandparents views are ok. My ILs are a bit like yours but DH and I robustly "discuss" with them their views. Our DDs have a great relationship with their grandparents but they know their views can be a little bigoted old fashioned.

Could you approach your DH from the angle of your DS, that you don't want him exposed to their views without someone challenging them. I mean does your DH really want his DS growing up thinking being homosexual is inherited?

Original poster

CuriosityCola · 01/10/2012 09:29

I think one of the main problems with dh is that he is of the mind...why let what is out of your control bother you? They have different views to us, but we shouldn't let others affect the way we act.

OP posts:

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 01/10/2012 09:32

Good for you, OP!

Original poster

CuriosityCola · 01/10/2012 09:35

Quick look busy, I do need to bring this up. Trying to get him to understand that it is not healthy debate when are extreme views are being spouted.

Thought I would share a couple of other gems from the evening.

People on benefits shouldn't get money for more than two children as it's their own fault for having too many.

People (women) who take drugs should be sterilised as they are too selfish to be allowed children. Then discussion on how this would be enforced.

Then something about parts of France being ruined by an influx of Muslims and blacks (their words) from Africa.

I think the only bashing that was missed was about single parents, but that's because I asked dh to have a word previously about blaming everything on single parents. My mum was a single parent, which they know.

OP posts:

QuickLookBusy · 01/10/2012 09:36

I think that is ok for people you don't see very often. I don't think I'd bother challenging someone I'd just met at a party for instance. But to ignore someone you see every week is rather different.

I think you are right to keep yourself busy most weekends and avoid their company.

Softlysoftly · 01/10/2012 09:37

YANBU tbh if DH didn't like my parents I would have ended the relationship, an extended family is important to me. Oh and they are Mail readers and DH is Asian , but by talking and educating they are out of their tiny box mindset. I would never suggest putting up and shutting up as it doesn't work.

If you were just starting out I would say leave him to find someone who likes his family as he adores them, and for you to find a family fit, but as you are already married and have a DS you need to make it work. Reducing contact and yes challenging views you don't agree with in a nice educated debating way!

BenjiAndTheTigers · 01/10/2012 09:45

Agree entirely with Softly.

A friend's DD broke off her engagement to a wonderful boy because she knew she couldn't spend the rest of her life with his family.

She comes from a very small family. (one DB) and is a fairly self contained person.

He came from a very large Maltese family who insisted on speaking Maltese in front of her. (They all speak english perfectly).

His Mum also insisted they attend Mass every Sunday regardless of what else they had on.

Friend's DD acknowledged that they were a lovely family but knew that she wouldn't fit in as part of it.

fedupofnamechanging · 01/10/2012 10:07

I think it is really important that your dh does not talk about/criticise you behind your back,, to his parents. It will do your relationship no good.

As a plan, going forward, I would a) visit a lot less frequently - and don't give up time with your son, so that they can have access to him whenever they want. Make it so that visiting them, fits in with your plans.
b) Stop keeping quiet and subjugating your opinions to theirs. What you think has as much right to be heard as their views and c) make it very clear to your dh that he is not to discuss your relationship with his family. That you will view that as an act of incredible disloyalty.

Abitwobblynow · 01/10/2012 10:15

The trouble with this is, its all GREAT when you are getting on well, and you are all luvved up.

But as your M carries on, you disappoint eachother more (natural and normal human behaviour) - and THIS is the time that the dysfunctional family background comes in: when people are under stress/hurt/disappointed, they revert to the FOO patterns they were taught.

So: how do they resolve conflict? That is what I would want to know. I think this is the Number 1. thing to find out.

1charlie1 · 01/10/2012 10:17

I agree with many others that the problem is you are seeing way too much of your in-laws! After being on the receiving end of some truly awful 'behaviours', my DH now knows and fully accepts that the MAXIMUM amount of time I am prepared to spend in the company of his mother is once a month. I can only imagine how badly behaved I would become if I 'had' to see her weekly! Texting at the table would be nothing!
You say your DH is of the attitude 'Why let what is out of your control bother you?' I think all DHs and DWs who have difficult parents should try and understand that while you as their offspring may love them, and may have had 20, 30, 40 plus years to learn to cope with/ learn to ignore their unpleasant behaviour, your partner will just see them as awful people with whom they are now compelled to spend 'occasions' with forevermore. Had my DH been of the attitude with regard to his mother, 'Just ignore her', our relationship would not have survived.

ArtfulAardvark · 01/10/2012 10:33

I do feel for you - I wish I had looked more closely at my mother in law before getting married she is an absolute witch. He is an only child, she is a widow - he can NEVER do enough for her, despite the fact that she sees him every day, she is unpleasant to the children and cant stand me.

I tend to keep my distance now, as does one of our children but DH has stood up for us ONCE ever - it HAS affected how I feel about him, I honestly feel if I hadnt married him he would have been single forever which would have suited her fine (although she would have given lip service to him finding a "nice girl")

ArtfulAardvark · 01/10/2012 10:38

Oh and her "classics" one long diatribe about how a local paedophile had the right to move back into the house next door to his victim as it was "his" and "it wouldnt have happened if her mother had supervised her child properly, she just let her run wild"

She once had a go at me for not staying with DC1 overnight in hospital because I was still breastfeeding DC2 despite the fact that DH WANTED to be in hospital with him and it was more logical for me to come home with the younger child.

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 01/10/2012 10:47

Marry the man, try and get some distance from his family. Move away?

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 01/10/2012 10:49

Totally with karmabeliever. Speak your mind with them, not to the extent of being rude, but to the extent that they know your thoughts.

NK2b1f2 · 01/10/2012 11:09

I'd move abroad . Failing that I would put my foot down now. Visits fortnightly from now, then reduce to every three weeks, then monthly. Send dc and dh on their own every other visit. You are now your own family unit and deserve weekends on our own. Secondly, less contact would help you learn to ignore most of their comments. Lets face it you are wasting your breath arguing with them because they will not change their minds. That doesn't mean you should not speak up to disagree with their more extreme views. And thirdly, you should explain to your dh that while you love him (if you do) it does not mean you love his family. Repeat until he gets it. Oh and finally, get your views in early about Christmas. Dh and I have allocated Christmas Eve as time for our family and no one else -no exceptions. Has worked well so far...

2rebecca · 01/10/2012 20:00

I think discussing those sort of topics is fine if you can actually discuss them and not just be shouted down if you disagree with the majority view. My extended family have political discussions over dinner. It tends to divide into lefty women and right wing blokes. No-one shouts or is rude to the other person though, it is just a discussion and probably workd because we get on well and the 2 sdes are usually evenly matched. if its you v the rest I can see why you'd just hold your tongue though. It would put me off going regularly though and I'd wonder about my husband if he wanted to be subjected to right wing crap every week and never argued back.

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