Marry the man, marry his family

[CuriosityCola]

Would I be unreasonable to consider leaving a lovely guy because I detest spending time with his family?

We are a clash of personalities. I feel bad if dh doesn't see his family as much because of me. However, I normally end up seeing them every weekend and it has gone from me finding them slightly annoying to not being able to stand them.

Part of me thinks this is my immaturity and I should just get on with things and bite my tongue. Another part thinks life is too short to spend lots of time with (and all important occasions including my birthday) with people I don't like.

One of the things I admire most about my Mum was her ability to tolerate my Dad's insane extended family, they meant well but their sheer numbers were just overwhelming. As a result I always seemed to date those with a max of 2 siblings lol!

I've ended relationships cos I couldn't tolerate the rellies, it's always been a given for me that anyone I'm serious about must like my immediate family. I NEVER understand 2nd wives who loathe their stepkids? Why get involved in the first place if you can't stand the offspring? Likewise hell would freeze over before I'd marry a man whose Mum I couldn't stand - it's just asking for trouble. I've seen from my sisters marriage that having a MIL on your side can be really helpful for just about everything.

In years gone by marriage was seen being as much about a union of families and two individuals. I do think there's still perhaps a lot of truth in that.

I endure my DH's family for my DH's sake. I would happily never see them again but he loves them and I love him so I put up with them without too many complaints. Admittedly, we don't see them that often and we try and see our families seperately when we can.

TBH the conversations your In Laws have sound like ones my DF and DB would have. Sometimes I can't believe I am related to them.
Does you DH get on with your family?

Speaking from my own experience, I have very little to do with DHs family. We rarely see each other, the last time I was in the same room as any of them was over two years ago, they aren't even my friends on facebook. I don't know their addresses or phone numbers, or have anything really to do with them.
I know sort of where MiL lives, and I think the children would be able to tell me which flat in the block is hers if I had to know, but that's about it - I'd need DH's phone to be able to get in touch with them, say in an emergency.
I guess I'm trying to say that you don't have to have anything to do with his family, but it does need "working out" to suit you both. I can see how it could be an enormous source of friction too - it depends on both of you and how you each see your relationship with his relatives.
If you really can't bear them though, and think that he would insist/force you to spend time with them, do you actually love him enough to put up with them "until death do you part" so to speak? For years and years?

Honestly, you need to talk to your DH if you really do love him and want to be with him. Tell him how you feel (nicely). It is perfectly OK to want to spend weekends doing your own thing as your own family at least half the time and probably much more, depending on the circumstances. I would say a monthly visit to your in-laws ought to be plenty. I wouldn't do more than that unless there was an issue requiring it (elderly parent needing help etc, which it doesn't sound like there is). If I had to see my in-laws every week, I'd be a basket case. I can't stand them. But once a month or so I can put a smile on, make the day nice for them and us and tolerate it.

And no way have I married them! That is totally not how it works. But I am prepared to facilitate DD having a happy relationship with them. Mind you, they are not homophobic or racist or anything. That would be harder, I do see that.

I know the feeling and have many times contemplated leaving over it. To be fair DP sticks up for me but also expects me to accept they have different views. I can do that but not when they are stupid extreme views. eg: its not the persons fault if they rape someone while on drugs becase its the drugs and beware of gays there is something wrong with them. grrr I cant stand it.IT used to be a nightly visit...every night and that was prebaby.

In your position, I would reduce contact and get busy with other plans.
Whatever you need to do, to make your life easier.

I used to wind up my MIL no end about homosexuality....Every time she mentioned dd having a boyfriend(this was when she was a toddler!) I would merrily chime in with "or a girlfriend". Cue cats bumf ace from MIL.

My bad

shesparkles i do that to my mum about dd and now ds. :)

It was fun when I had ds and she'd go on about football boots, and rugby boots, and I'd pipe up with "and ballet shoes and tap shoes "

Every weekend is pushing it, what about family time for the three of you? You really do need to cut it down slowly, maybe miss a weekend a couple times a month for a while then only go monthly.
I don't even know where my MIL lives, haven't heard from her in 20 years. I see SIL twice a year, I could take it or leave it, she's turning into her mother, even Dh is not thrilled with the visits.

sookiesookie your posts made me laugh. i'm afraid the only way i could survive this also is to wade in and wind them up with a reasonable counter argument. my inlaws are 93% fab but when my DH's grandma tried to give me a hard time about why i wouldn't change my name when we married i just said "it just makes the divorce so much easier"

but i would really struggle with every weekend, that isn't fair so if it were me i would keep the guy if you love him but try to extract myself from the IL's by bowing out of some visits (getting some wonderful me time by sending DC off with DH), demanding requesting regular weekends where it is just the three of you and being so argumentative when i'm there that they don't really want to see me that often anyway. that way you could at least cut down to 2 out of 4 weekends. it would still be too much for me TBH but it might be enough to save your marriage!

Work out a way of spending just enough respectable time with them and that's all. Let DH see them if he wishes. I see more of DH's mum than he does because I like her more than he does, he avoids her as much as he can!

Every weekend is too much, IMO, and I like my MIL.

Your DH needs to respect your need for some space from his family but you need to be honest with him about how much time you can stand being there - clearly you're there too much at the moment. Perhaps you need to get a weekend job or something, so that you have a completely valid excuse not to go? Or arrange stuff to do with your own friends/family - I can't see how they have any time to see you (or are none of them local?)

If you can reduce the amount of contact with them then you might find that they become easier to bear again - at the moment you're on overload with them so not having a chance to "come down" from each visit before you have to go again - and then you might be able to salvage your relationship.

But you need to TALK to your DH and make him HEAR what you are saying, not let him fob you off and do the kicked puppy thing when you tell him that his family aren't all that wonderful if you're not actually related to them by blood.

I know couples who have split over the ILs - usually the man's mother, tbf, being completely overbearing and interfering - and the man not being able to separate from his mummy's apron strings. It's not good.

I find my ILs hard work, and dh feels the same way about my family. We've moved abroad now (is that a potential option for you ) but prior to that saw his close family perhaps a couple of times a year for a day or two and with my family I tended to go and visit them with the children on my own perhaps three times out of four (or dh might pick us up and so spend less time that way). Not more than once a month though, every week is incredibly intrusive.

Can you tell your ILs that you don't agree with their opinions? I have found that works well with family because they tend to find disagreement irritating and so avoid the 'difficult' subjects with me. Doesn't make them love me, but worth it in the long run.

Things make more sense since your latest posts, it's not just a case of a difference of opinion if they're that bigoted. How on earth do you put up with them every week? When do you spend time as a family?

We used to see ILs every week but 1) I hate that kind of routine and 2) I was resenting it because we never had time as a family. We've slowly cut it down to roughly once a fortnight or PIL come to us after work for a couple of baby hours

I think you need to put your foot down with DH, tell him you want more time together/less structure, if he doesn't get it then launch into a rant explain you can't tolerate their DM views that often without kicking up a stink (he doesn't want a scene does he?) failing that I'd do as others suggest and just make other plans.

I think it's a shame you're considering leaving him because of them, give him a chance to support you first. I don't think it's necessarily true that you 'marry the family' or that he'll become like them

The gay conversation went to, ' well we don't need to worry (about grandchildren) as there have never been any in our family'.
I think you should give her kd langs Sing It Loud CD for Christmas this year.

Quick up-date. Dh is adamant that it is just a difference of opinions. He is barely speaking to me as it is was obvious that I was unhappy during dinner and didn't participate much. I said he should be glad I didn't. Then I got a rant about people needing to walk on eggshells round me and that normal people would just participate in the debate.

I'm really really tired of being the horrible person all the time. I don't like who I am when I am around them.

Oh, despite saying we were going to spend time as a family this morning before going to friends this afternoon he has changed his mind. It would be rude to rush off so I am stuck here until noon.

Even if you really like your Ils, seeing them every weekend it liable to send you batshit crazy. You didn't marry them and shouldn't have to see them all the time.

Mine were constantly round my house and expected us to go to theirs every Sunday, back in the early days, when we had our first baby. In the end I had to tell my dh that I found it stifling and they needed to give me some more personal space. We now have MIL over once a week for a couple of hours (not at the weekend).

You have to talk to your dh about how you feel, because he probably thinks you are happy about this. It's a bit drastic to consider leaving someone without giving them a chance to fix this first.

And tell him that you do not want to spend your birthday with family - that is one day where it should be about what you want to do.

X posted OP. If he knows how you feel and ignores you, then he is being a twat.

Awful families can be coped with if you can laugh about their ridiculousness together - sounds like he's not, though.

I think you see too much of them tbh. Every weekend . I'd go insane if I had to see my ILs every weekend. You need to have words with your DH, and explain that you need family time without his family. Could you arrange weekend activities that don't include them so that you are unavailable?

My PIL has equally racist, homophobic views and I can't bear him. He's obnoxious. I tolerated it for years, and in the end stood up to him and said that I was never having that conversation again in my house, and if he couldn't stop complaining he could go home. I guess I'm lucky, my MIL shares my views so I've less to deal with. He has since reigned it in.

I think I would stop letting their offensive comments go unchallenged. You are as important in this family as they are, so don't think you have to let their opinions take precedence over yours.

I think you might have to just start saying no to weekend visits - arrange to do something else with your ds and stick to it. DH can't make you go over there. Tell him he is not to agree to plans without consulting you first.

You are not a bad or horrible person, just because you don't want to spend all your free time with people you don't like. When do your family get a look in?

I think some very frank discussion is needed with your dh about fairness in your relationship.

He's cross with you because you didn't say much,
But you didn't say much because you don't agaree with them and didn't want antagonise them. (and they feel that they have to "walk on egshells around you")
A normal person would have joined in the conversation or particpated in the debate.
So therefore, your DH believes you are "NOT NORMAL" becuase you don't ho;d the same views as them.

Because if you follow his logic, you can only join in the debate if you hold the same views.
What does he contribute to these delightful family gatherings?

I think just start challenging them on their views, you'll feel better, you can say to your DH that you are joining in and everyone may want to see each other less anyway. When do you get to see your family or friends? It's not right that your time is dictated to like this. I would refuse to go so often in future.