to think that a 3 year old girl shouldn't be in nappies

[missymarmite]

Quick background. I have 1 DS 9, we live with DP and his eldest DD 10, and we have his other two DD, 7 and 3, every weekend from thursday/friday to sunday.

The 3 year old had her birthday last month. I put my foot down and took the executive decision to try toilet training her. Every time before that, I mentioned it to DP he said it was up to his XW to sort it as the resident parent. So one day I just put her in some old knickers and let her run round outside in a dress. She got a bit upset when she wet herself, but over the next couple of weekends she began to get the hang of it. You can tell when she needs to go, because she kind of holds herself down there. At night and when we go out we put nappy pants on her and then she doesn't ask for the toilet, but in knickers she does.

DP told XW that she won't ask for the toilet when in nappy pants, but she has made no effort whatsoever to toilet train her, despite the fact that she only works part time and has every weekend child free, while both DP and I work full time and are exhausted most of the time, we still make the effort.

Am I BU to be frustrated and annoyed at this woman?

The ONLY way you would have any right to do what you have done is if the child's mother had signed over parental responsibility to you. I'm guessing that hasn't happened.

Good point, people often wait for a suitable time, like school holidays, unless the child is really keen to start.

If the child is so ready, why is the op feeling the need to puther in a pull up when she goes out? I don think she mentions whether she has been doing her poos on the toilet or not.

Think it seems a bit unreasonable that missymarmite should provide four days childcare and not at anytime apply any 'discipline' for the child! The Mum sounds like a right drip! I think you are being very helpful!

How long have you and DP been together OP?

But from your OP it is NOT your partner who is taking the lead of this - it is you. And you are not their parent. If it was your partner than I would expect him and his XW to discuss how it went forward and how to work it between them.

I mean, I only have her two youngest children 3-4 days a week, every week, in my home. - Or rather your partner's children visit their dad at his home.

There is a difference between proving discipline and taking over and doing things her way.

Any decisions should be made with her partner at least, big decisions such as when to potty train should be made between both patents with support from any step parents and other care givers

flowerygirl in what way it is helpful to confuse a 3 year old child with such inconsistent potty training?

It doesn't matter how much CARING you do for your SD, you STILL don't have the right to go against both her mum AND dad's wishes on ANY decision.

The mum was happy to wait, the dad was happy to go along with this. Who the hell are you to go against that?

Now I sit on both sides of the fence here, I am a mum, but have also been a SM in the past.

Let's turn this around. You go out to work, leaving your DS with a Childminder. Because she cares for your DS, wipes his face, hugs him when he cries, does that mean SHE gets to decide when he is potty trained? No? Didn't think so. Because she is not one of his parents. And YOU are not one of your SD's parents.

THAT'S what it boils down to.

You are a nice addition to her life, but you are NOT her parent. You need to defer to her mum and dad on parenting decisions. Because they are her parents, not you.

If you don't want to change a 3yo's nappy, then get her dad to do it. Simple.

You can choose how you parent your DS, you can choose when he gets potty trained, gets a haircut, which school he goes to. But YOU don't get any say in these things with your SD. ONLY her parents do.

So butt out, and make these 'executive decisions' all you want with your OWN child. Stop doing it with someone else's!!

Mothers really can't win can they? Use the EOW model and undertake most of the parenting themselves and they're excluding the father or alienating the children from him; go 50/50 and they're lazy bitches who CBA to look after their children. OP, YABVVU.

If the children's father, your DP, had undertaken toilet-training his DD it would be one thing (still would have been sensible to agree a time frame with his XW though, that poor girl must be so confused). This is different, both this child's parents were happy with the situation and you made the "executive decision" to go against both her parents. Why are you doing so much of their care? Why isn't their father doing it? That is the issue here imo.

BTW, 3 is not unusual. Mine were 3y10 (with a solid 8 months of trying - he got it overnight when he was actually ready), 4y1 and 2y9.

I'm finding this difficult. My instinct says, you're seriously out of line.

But then hang on a minute. Why is it being assumed that the birth mother's decision is the most important, when in so many other areas, the birth mother gets slated if she so much as mentions being uncomfortable that she is handing over her child/ren to her ex and his new partner?

loads of us do this and it is AWFUL watching your child disappear out of your life for a few days a week, well for us it's luckily been only a few hours, but for many people it is half the week or something approaching that.

And we're not allowed to complain, because the ex is the child's father too and whoever he decides to share that child with, is 'OK' and we can't complain about it.

So following on from that why should the birth mother have any say in these sorts of decisions - moreso than the birth father? (and his partner)

Yes I would be gutted if my son's stepmother decided to take matters into her own hands and start teaching him to use public transport by himself/set him up with a Facebook account/anything else that a 9yo child might be approaching readiness for. I would want to kill her.

But what if his father said it was fine and went along with it? Who am I to say no? (well apart from him having no PR and not having been around for 6 years of said 9yo's life so far - and only seeing him once a month, if that)

I am struggling with this. Not from my own sensitive perspective but from everyone else's supposed standpoint on shared care. You can't have it both ways.

And, and, AND - if you are not married to your partner, then she ISN'T your SD. She is your partner's child.

You don't 'get' the title of StepMum just because you have shacked up with her dad.

And the 10yo? She doesn't live with YOU, she lives with HER DAD. In a house you also happen to live in.

The FATHER gets an equal say in decisions like this. His partner gets NO say. It's fuck all to do with her.

My DS2 & DS3's dad got no say in when I and my Ex decided to potty train DS1. Why would he? He isn't DS1's parent. Just because we lived together, doesn't mean he got a say in when the decision to PT DS1 was made by me and DS1's dad. Why would it?!

I never involved DS2 & 3's dad in parenting decisions about DS1. Why would I? DS1's dad and me took those decisions between us.

Sorry I should have clarified. After the first time I put DSD in pants as an experiment on a warm sunny day outside playing, DP has been fully supportive of this, and has had several conversations with XW about it. She has told DP that she isn't doing any thing. She won't say why, DP thinks it is because DDS is her 'baby' and she doesn't want her to grow up.

It is very clear that she is ready for toilet training, or else she would be having accidents left right and centre.

The "waiting for a holiday" arguement doesnt' stand because this all started during the last couple of weeks of the summer holiday.

It isn't just me being interfering. We are BOTH frustrated about it. So even if I don't have parental responsibilty, HE DOES. And he has just as much right to make decisions about her care.

And if you think I'm vile, at least I care. Sorry, I was brought up with the view that a child doesn't "belong" to anyone. DP is of the same view. We treat all our children equally, so we both discipline our DSC the same as our own, and we give them our love and affection equally too. Is this really so bad? "it takes a village to raise a child" as they say. Maybe if people interfered a bit more things like the Baby P incident wouldn't happen.

We should ALL be responsible for ALL the children in our lives and in our communities. Maybe this is why there are so many problems in our society. No one wants to step on the toes of the "Mother Goddess".

Shared care is so that the child gets to spend time with his mum AND his dad. It has fuck all to do with spending time with his mum's new partner, or his DSS's new partner.

These people may be a nice addition to the child's life, extra people to love them, BUT they don't get to make parenting decisions about the child. These things should be discussed between the mum and dad ONLY.

missymarmite - sorry but you sound like a complete piece of work to me. Someone I'd walk the other side of the room to avoid. Totally agree with the post from SuoceraBlues

It sounds like a mess for the kids because it isn't going to help them you being critical of their mum. It really won't help them. You work full time - so how are you going to nappy change a 3 year old when you don't have the 3 year old all the time! It does need to be a team effort but you are not on the team of the 3 year old - you really aren't. Maybe the 3 year old is about to change up a gear at nursery or pre-school, maybe the mum is waiting for a holiday. It doesn't matter - it is important for you to score points though. Work out a more positive way to deal with conflict before you stuff up this family relationship.

"I only take care of them, feed them, buy clothes and toys for them, work full time and contribute financially for them even though they have a healthy mum and step-father, and I have my own natural DS to take care of. I only change nappies, wipe bums and faces, take them to the beach and comfort them when they hurt.

What right do I have?"

I mean what else did you expect - did you really go into your current relationship thinking that you wouldn't be warm and welcoming to the step kids?!?!?!?

This isn't about rights - life isn't all about you - you started this post about a 3 year old. A 3 year old. A bit of self reflection wouldn't go amiss here would it?

Have a think about whether you are really helping the situation here?

Why are you providing so much for the child? Does her father not bother so it falls on you? It is not your place to provide any of her care if she has a willing father.

I repeat - how long have you been together? Further more how long have you been living together?

Wow and how was your post relevant to Baby P and a negative stereotype of MotherGoddess.

So your DP needs to sit down with his ex and discuss the best way forward. You need to support whatever they decide.

This has nothing to do with problems with society, stop being melodramatic this is about you trying to take over when its not your place to. Being responsible for all children in lives doesn't mean making major decisions in the lives of children for whom we don't have parental responsibility.

Making decisions about your partners Daughter just doesn't involve you, I'm sorry.

If the dad thinks it is an issue, then HE needs to take it up with the child's mother. She may be putting it off - she may be clinging to the child and keeping her as a 'baby', which I agree isn't healthy, but it is STILL not your problem.

I wonder, if they have a just-turned 3yo, how long you have been together? And were you seeing him while they were still in a relationship?

Because if you are already living together, either you have rushed into that very quickly, and he hadn't been separated long when you met, OR you were the OW.

If you WERE the OW, and you took a decision like this out of my hands, I have to say, it'd take every ounce of my strength not to kill you...

SuoceraBlues Great post!

So, will you answer a few questions?

1. How long have you been in a relationship with your partner?

2. How long after your relationship started did you move in together?

3. Had he left the relationship with his Ex BEFORE he started a relationship with you?

4. Was he having an affair with you while his youngest child was little?

flowerygirl

Toilet training isn't discipline!

3 years may be 'too old' in you opinion.
Please bear in mind that ths is a three year old who has suffered loss in her short life.
And give her a break ffs.

Yabu.
You have taken something upon yourself that is out of your remit.
You reasons for doing it are highly subjective and I have doubts that they you are being honest about them.

Leave the poor child alone.

You might have got more sympathy if you had included more info in your OP about your 10yo DSD and her mother, because that does colour my opinion a bit.

At the same time, I do think that you and your DH have to work with his ex to find the best way of dealing with this. It is not fair on your DSD. It must be confusing for her.

And the big problem is that 3yo is not too old to be in nappies. Many children are still in nappies at that age, so you were never going to get agreement on MN about that.

I think that if you are going to put your foot down (and I mean you and your DH) and insist on something been done differently, it has to be a LOT more important than a 3yo in nappies.