to think that a 3 year old girl shouldn't be in nappies

[missymarmite]

Quick background. I have 1 DS 9, we live with DP and his eldest DD 10, and we have his other two DD, 7 and 3, every weekend from thursday/friday to sunday.

The 3 year old had her birthday last month. I put my foot down and took the executive decision to try toilet training her. Every time before that, I mentioned it to DP he said it was up to his XW to sort it as the resident parent. So one day I just put her in some old knickers and let her run round outside in a dress. She got a bit upset when she wet herself, but over the next couple of weekends she began to get the hang of it. You can tell when she needs to go, because she kind of holds herself down there. At night and when we go out we put nappy pants on her and then she doesn't ask for the toilet, but in knickers she does.

DP told XW that she won't ask for the toilet when in nappy pants, but she has made no effort whatsoever to toilet train her, despite the fact that she only works part time and has every weekend child free, while both DP and I work full time and are exhausted most of the time, we still make the effort.

Am I BU to be frustrated and annoyed at this woman?

I think what OP is saying is that the child is well ready & that the Bio mother is being lazy, which sounds like it, for sure, yanbu on all that.
I agree not OP's place to have such strong opinions about Bio mother on this, but I also think OP has been (ridiculously) unfairly vilified here.

I wish OP hadn't brought Baby P into her last post, although I understand that response under the onslaught of criticism.

As a single mum, your attitude makes me uncomfortable. Because there is a lot of feeling of bitterness towards the little girl's mum which she WILL be picking up on.

I have a very difficult relationship with my ex, parts of his personality appal me. But I do my very best to accept that he is my children's father and to accept has a say in what happens to them. I try to be as positive as I can about him in front of my children. Whatever a parent is like, most children will have love and loyalty for that parent, and to criticise or speak disrespectfully about them infront of the children is not helping them. Mentioning Baby P in your post hints at just how little you think of the children's mother, and I suspect that you don't always hide this.

I think this goes far beyond when the girl should be potty trained. You should be getting some sort of support/ counselling in how to deal with these feelings, because such an atmosphere of critisicm for her mum will be causing all sorts of problems for this little girl.

'The mother is always right and step-mothers are the devil. I mean, I only have her two youngest children 3-4 days a week, every week, in my home. I only have her eldest child here 24/7, because she prefers to live with us than with her mother. A mother who never calls to speak to her eldest, never showed any emotional upset about her daughter not even wanting to stay over or visit. Only ever complained that she and her DP now receive less tax credits and maintainance.

I only take care of them, feed them, buy clothes and toys for them, work full time and contribute financially for them even though they have a healthy mum and step-father, and I have my own natural DS to take care of.'

Then why marry a guy who had 3 kids already if you're so resentful of the situation?

if the op had posted outside of Aibu she might have got good advice instead of a flame roasting.

OP, in your 09:59:34 post you have COMPLETELY contradicted everything you have said so far!

First he said it was his exw choice, now he is fully supportive. Him saying it is his exw choice does not = he is also frustrated.

And no, it doesn't actually say that you care because by training her part time you are confusing the hell out of her.

Saying that at least you care tells me all I need to know about you. You are having your own private battle about who loves this poor little girl more & you are desperately trying to prove it is you. Well it isn't! If it was, you would stop confusing her.

I mean, I only have her two youngest children 3-4 days a week, every week, in my home.

Sorry, I was brought up with the view that a child doesn't "belong" to anyone.

You are contradicting yourself.

And to compare the situation to Baby P is sickening! I am shocked that you think they are at all comparable & using that as an reason to 'interfere' in this little girls mother's parenting is beyond shocking!

And why are you contributing financially for them? That should be their dad's job. And their Mum's job. Not yours.

Even if you are doing the whole combined income thing with your partner, you personally are not contributing financially - Their dad's household is.

I accept it will be different with the SD that lives with her dad, but tbh that is no different to your DS living with you.

Do you expect his dad to phone him when he is with you? If not, why the censure for his mum not doing that?

My take on the situation is that your partner had an affair with you, when his Ex was pg with their youngest child. You and he vilified her to try to justify your affair. You are now trying to take over with the children, thinking that your vilification of her as a mother so that your affair didn't seem so bad makes that OK.

Correct me if I'm wrong, and you weren't the OW...

I think what OP is saying is that the child is well ready & that the Bio mother is being lazy

I don't think anyone can comment on that, to be fair. NONE of us know the other side & so to say that mum is being lazy is rather over reaching, I think! She may have very good reason to not be doing it yet.

I'm actually gping to say you maay all be being unreasonable, other than the little girl herself.
If (and that is an if) he mother is ignoring signs of readiness then sibu. You are unreasonable to have done such a big thing against her wishes. The dad ibu for butting out and leaving the child issues to the women. What proportion of the child's nappies does he change whn she's with you? You are not bu to want to be involved in the child's life and not expect to have everything you do criticised because you're jot her mother. The person who said you're probably responsible for the mother deciding to cut contact with the dad was very wrong to say that.

And if she wasn't PG, then the baby was still tiny. After all, if you have your own child, it's going to be at least 6 months before you move in with someone, if not longer. If you had been with him for 6 months when you moved in together, the just-turned 3yo would have been just 2.5, if you waited a year she would have just turned 2, if you were together for more than a year when you started sharing a house, she would have been under 2yo when you got together.

So either he walked out with her when their youngest was under 2.5yo, and got with you very quickly, giving his ex no time to adjust OR help the DC's to adjust,

OR you were the OW.

The break up of their parents relationship, and their dad subsequently moving in with you so quickly, is GOING to have an effect on the children.

If the mother had an affair, the same applies.

Either way, a lot of upheaval for a barely turned 3yo DC.

OP, it is for the FATHER to sort out with the MOTHER. I would be very upset by someone else making unilateral decisions on behalf of my child. Leave it to them to thrash it out between themselves. Is it really the end of the world if she is still in nappies? it's better surely to wait until you are all working together.

YANBU - far from it.

It's ridiculous, unless a medical reason, that a child isn't potty trained by 3. Lazy parenting, I call it.

However, I think you shouldn't be giving the child mixed messages by switching between pants & nappies. Buy her some nice ones & do everyone a favour with cracking on with it. How can the mother complain about not having to change & buy nappies ?!

Sounds like everyone is getting a bit twitchy ref you not being her mother, although you sound a pretty close 2nd with the amount of access you have.

Well said, Willowisp.

Some children are not ready by 3, Willowwisp.

I'd rather let mine do it at their own pace, without any stress, or charts, or rewards or me getting cross.

Developmental psychology talks a lot about children's gradual ability to control their continence. It's not just one of those things you have to 'make' them do when it suits you - they all get there at their own speed. It's fascinating.

Why it is ridiculous that a child isn't potty trained by three?

Plus having two different homes with entirely conflicting strategies and attitudes to this 'training' is going to wreck this poor child's progress anyway.

DS is nearly three and not potty trained. He's not ready, and I'm not rushing him.

Its not up to you when your step daughter potty trains. It has to be a decision made by all parties, you will be confusing her more if she's in pants at your house then nappies at her mums.

And some of your other comments just make you look like a bit of a tit.

my ds2 is 5.9m still in nappy hes has sn and non verbal goes on potty for wees but not mumbers 2s.

This little girl has had her parents separate, her dad move in with someone else, and her mum move in with someone else, all within less than 3 years.

Cut the girl a break!

Which is what I suspect the mother IS doing - not pushing PT as the girl has already had so much upheaval. As long as the girl is out of nappies by school age (I am assuming a September birthday, so almost another two years) what does it matter if it is later than YOU would like.

It is the emotional needs of the 3yo that matter.

The 3yo has a RIGHT not to have her emotional needs messed with by having her dad's partner having her in knickers, and her mum having her in nappies. How confusing for this poor little girl.

Why can't her mum and dad work together on this? Shared Care means exactly that. You SHARE the care of the child.

No one person gets to make unilateral decisions in true Shared Care. It is a joint process of bringing your children up TOGETHER, even if you are no longer in a relationship with the other parent. It is done with the children's best interests at the very heart of it. NOT this is what I want, so you have to do it.

I can't understand why people see shared care as a way of doing things 'their way', rather than doing what is best for the child.

Even Gina Ford says that children are usually ready for toilet training at any time between 18 months and four years. As does pretty much any book you will read on the subject nowadays.

yabu.

I didn't bother to do mine until 3.2 and 3.4. I had to wait until I had time off work over Xmas to do it. I will never understand this rush to potty train .

If she is ready, then it is up to her parents to get together and decide how they are going to approach it.

op your further posts apsolutly reinforce my view that yabu. and the sudden about turn from dp thinks its up to mum to dp is frustrated about it actually makes me think you are worse.

point scoring and vindictiveness made to look like you are the only good guy in this is hatefull manipulative.

Mine are both boys and have both been fine by 3 and a half or four - but I didn't push it. I never trained them. I waited till they were ready and they did it all by themselves - very few accidents, yes a bit more spent on nappies but so what. It's a child, they have needs.

I wasn't about to force them to be 'ready' before they were just to save a few quid