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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that a 3 year old girl shouldn't be in nappies

599 replies

missymarmite · 29/09/2012 21:39

Quick background. I have 1 DS 9, we live with DP and his eldest DD 10, and we have his other two DD, 7 and 3, every weekend from thursday/friday to sunday.

The 3 year old had her birthday last month. I put my foot down and took the executive decision to try toilet training her. Every time before that, I mentioned it to DP he said it was up to his XW to sort it as the resident parent. So one day I just put her in some old knickers and let her run round outside in a dress. She got a bit upset when she wet herself, but over the next couple of weekends she began to get the hang of it. You can tell when she needs to go, because she kind of holds herself down there. At night and when we go out we put nappy pants on her and then she doesn't ask for the toilet, but in knickers she does.

DP told XW that she won't ask for the toilet when in nappy pants, but she has made no effort whatsoever to toilet train her, despite the fact that she only works part time and has every weekend child free, while both DP and I work full time and are exhausted most of the time, we still make the effort.

Am I BU to be frustrated and annoyed at this woman?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 30/09/2012 06:45

Three nights and three days (again, if I have read it right) is under half of each week.

Sirzy · 30/09/2012 06:45

No it's either 2 night (Friday and Saturday) or 3 (Thursday, Friday, Saturday)

Either way it's not for a step mother to take it upon herself to do the potty training. The child's parents need to work together to decide how best to approach things with support from other caregivers.

cheeseandmushroomtoastie · 30/09/2012 06:48

It wasn't your place or decision to potty train. Yabu.

Megatron · 30/09/2012 06:48

But don't you think it should be the decision of the child's parents locked? From what I gather from the OP, she is not the child's step mother (she says her DP not her DH unless I am misunderstanding) and sending the child back and forth in nappies/not in nappies would surely be confusing. I get what you're saying but I still think this was not the OP's place.

lockedkey · 30/09/2012 06:57

Um no, Thursday to Sunday is the majority of the week - by the Gregorian calendar I go by at least, not sure which you use - which equals to Primary care - So if anything the mother needs to follow what the father and stepmother are doing, if, like everyone is banging on about, she wants what is in the child's best interest.

But no that isn't what this thread has turned into; blatant 'But she's the mother, she gets final say' is now the topic but nope, not in this case when the stepmother and father are caring for the child the majority of the time, doesn't work and is not in the best interest of the child.

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 30/09/2012 06:57

YABVU

I started my DC potty training at 2.8 - wasn't potty trained til 3.5.

None of your bloody business, clearly ExW has successfully potty trained 2 other DD's

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 30/09/2012 06:58

doesn't make any difference, it's up to the mother and father and how why and when they potty train their children. 3 is not ridiculously old!

Sirzy · 30/09/2012 07:00

I don't see how you figure they do the majority of the care.

She is with her mother 4 or 5 nights a week (Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and possibly Thursday)

Megatron · 30/09/2012 07:02

We don't know any more about the situation than what the OP has posted (obviously) but I'm afraid it just sounds to me like the 'new woman' crossing the line here. 'Put her foot down'?

Megatron · 30/09/2012 07:04

I'm reading that the OP and her partner have the children from Thur OR Fri til Sunday. That's 2 or at the most 3 (if from Thursday) nights a week. But that's not really the issue. I don't think just turned 3 is hideously old in any case, she's not 6.

mynewpassion · 30/09/2012 07:07

I do wonder if the older DD ever sees her mother.

And, I agree with Megatron, I read it as Thurs or Friday until Sunday.

mynewpassion · 30/09/2012 07:10

Oh, wait, older DD might not share the same mother as the younger two DDs. That is more likely the case.

buttercrumble · 30/09/2012 07:12

YABU I have twin girls who were 3 and a bit before i had them both potty trained. I would be furious with you. Every child is unique, Just because 1 child may be dry at two . It doesn't mean every child is, and at the end of day does it really matter. When they are tiny you should just enjoy every moment of them,and they will get there soon enough. I mean you dont see school kids wearing nappys....

hildebrandisgettinghappier · 30/09/2012 07:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maria2007loveshersleep · 30/09/2012 07:35

There seems to be unanimous agreement here OP that YABVVVU. Regardless of one's opinion in terms of readiness for toilet training (and I've always had my doubts about the concept of 'readiness' although I'm in 2 minds about it), it basically is not your decision to make by any stretch of the imagination. End of,

HappyJustToBe · 30/09/2012 07:47

YABU and controlling. Leave these decisions to your DP and his ExW. Not your place at all.

Proudnscary · 30/09/2012 07:56

It shouldn't have been a unilateral decision - certainly not your unilateral decision. It's a decision that should have been taken with his ex.

It's confusing for the child to have a stop/start potty training situation fraught with tension and argument!

Whatever you think - and I agree three is old to be trained - it is not up to you. It's up to your husband and his ex to sort out.

Who do you think you are?

I do hope there isn't other point scoring shite going on - with his children caught in the middle. Sadly, I suspect there is.

TandB · 30/09/2012 07:59

YABU. If the little girl had actually asked, that would be a bit different, but it is not for you to take the decision to push it on her.

My DS wasn't far off 3 - about 2.9 I think - when he announced he wanted to wear pants. He had one nighttime accident and two daytime ones. Other than that he was dry night and day from the outset. From what others have said it can often be much easier if you wait until they ask. Maybe the mum wanted to do that and you have come along and moved the goalposts.

I'd be spitting teeth over this.

CinnabarRed · 30/09/2012 08:01

It might be that the child's mother is bothered, but knows full well that something's coming up in her DD's life that means it's better to wait. I've been told by any number of people not to attempt PT 3 months either side of such an event - new sibling, house move, change of nursery, etc - so maybe the DM has good reason to wait.

My friend tried to PT her just 3 year old a month before moving house. He was dry for a month, moved, and hasn't been reliably dry since, and he's now 6. My friend really regrets not waiting, as everyone had suggested.

SuoceraBlues · 30/09/2012 08:04

Being in nappies at 3 is not the end of the world and will have no bearing on who she will be as and when she grows up.

Somebody doing their damndest to create tension between her parents and tension in one of the homes she stays in however....now yes, that is a serious with potential long term consequences.

Think about your priorities, nappy changes and potty training beyond an age that you personally are comfortable with is at worst an irritation. Trying to "out mother" your partner's ex and creating a tense, or conflictual base for the relationships that DEPENDS on the two parents getting on, and the mum being comfortable with her kids in your company...that is a recipie for serious issues and upset.

If you care one jot for your partner and his children, cut it out. Now.

Mydogsleepsonthebed · 30/09/2012 08:07

I'm interested to know on what planet you thought it was up to you to put your foot down and make this executive decision when you aren't the child's parent? Are there many executive decisions like this you make when you aren't the child's parent?

katykuns · 30/09/2012 08:13

I would be devastated if my XH's partner went and made such an important decision without my consent. You should have listened to your partner, or had a (non judgy) chat about what her Mother was going to do.

My DD1 didn't get the hang of potty training by 3 and a half. It was a complete nightmare.

foreverondiet · 30/09/2012 08:17

Its a difficult one because whilst I agree with you that unless one's DC has special needs its irresponsible not to have a decent stab at potty training before / around third birthday.

However as others have pointed out its not really your decision, and perhaps a better approach might have been to have offered to have her for a weeks block (ie shuffle around days) so you could toilet train her.

Another idea would be to put have put the idea into her head she was big enough to wear knickers and use the toilet, so she'd start asking her mother.

I also think totally ok to try and get her to use toilet / potty when she wakes up am and before and after bath pm. Good indication of if they have bladder control.

twooter · 30/09/2012 08:18

I don't think you are necessarily BU. You didn't express yourself very pleasantly though, and if I was the mother I would hate you.

However, from the child's point of view, I think you look after her enough to be justified to try, and personally it sounds as if maybe neither of her parents can be bothered with the hassle.

hildebrandisgettinghappier · 30/09/2012 08:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.