to think that a 3 year old girl shouldn't be in nappies

[missymarmite]

Quick background. I have 1 DS 9, we live with DP and his eldest DD 10, and we have his other two DD, 7 and 3, every weekend from thursday/friday to sunday.

The 3 year old had her birthday last month. I put my foot down and took the executive decision to try toilet training her. Every time before that, I mentioned it to DP he said it was up to his XW to sort it as the resident parent. So one day I just put her in some old knickers and let her run round outside in a dress. She got a bit upset when she wet herself, but over the next couple of weekends she began to get the hang of it. You can tell when she needs to go, because she kind of holds herself down there. At night and when we go out we put nappy pants on her and then she doesn't ask for the toilet, but in knickers she does.

DP told XW that she won't ask for the toilet when in nappy pants, but she has made no effort whatsoever to toilet train her, despite the fact that she only works part time and has every weekend child free, while both DP and I work full time and are exhausted most of the time, we still make the effort.

Am I BU to be frustrated and annoyed at this woman?

I think the thread about her meeting her dp is relevent here though, she has only been step-mum for the maximum of 10 months (and thats only if they moved in together right away) and is already insulting her dps ex and making 'executive decisions' about his children after what? 30 weeks?

The problem I have with all of this,is the birth parents.
As regards potty training,the mother is effectively saying no,and the dad is saying leave it to mum,so at best,there is only a 1/4 saying yes.
Really it needs the op to have a diplomatic conversation with the birth mother.
If she alienates the birth mother on this,she is going to have even more trouble going forward.

Yellowkite if you let your ds scream and cry near the toilet FOR THREE DAYS then you are the nasty one. I cannot believe someone would do that! This is what I mean about being clueless about potty training.

That snt what yellow said generation
You are deliberately misinterpreting.
You do yourself no favours

Missymarmite, I highly recommend that you and your DP and his XW and her DP sit down together and discuss the issues you have. Four adults really should be able to get their act together, sort out who is responsible for what when it comes to care of three children, and proceed in an amicable way from then on. There are family mediation professionals that would be ideal for your needs. You can google them as well as I could.

Before that, you should go to see a counsellor yourself and discuss the poker that you have up your arse (otherwise known as a martyrdom complex). You made this bed of yours. You now have to figure out how to lie happily in it given that this man has children and an XW. Is it possible that you have not paid enough attention to the reality of his life before getting involved with him? Becoming involved with a man who comes with children means becoming involved with the mother of those children, and you seem not to have taken adequate cognisance of that reality. Nor do you seem to have the communication skills needed to manoeuver through all of this in a grown up way, establish with even your DP who is running the show in your home, establish with the DP's XW what the responsibilities of the different parties will be regarding the children, how communication will be managed.

I get that you care about the children and that you feel responsible here. You work, you contribute financially and materially to the children. But you cannot make executive decisions about them unless your right to do so has been discussed and given the ok by the other adults who have the right to do this. There is a right way and many wrong ways to go about setting up a family such as yours, and you and your DP have gone about it without setting out in a way that everyone understands what the boundaries are, what the various responsibilities are, etc. It seems it has all been very make it up as you go along, and it is no surprise that there are now problems.

Maybe there are issues with your DP that the two of you need to sort out together too. Fairly high up on the list of items you need to clarify in your own mind is the question of reconciling the idea that your DP has parental rights with your account of you taking the lead and essentially telling him what to do with his own daughter in the matter of toilet training. You come across as someone who pays lip service to other people's rights but deep down does not respect other people's right not to feel exactly as you do or do exactly as you do, or their right not to do exactly as you think they should do.

And I agree with SGB.

Just re-read orange, that's exactly what she said presumably she kept taking him to the toilet for three days while he screamed and cried (unlikely he went of his own accord) which I think is awful and likely to set training back a month!

I think the previous threads are very relevant to be honest. You are the very 'worst' kind of new partner and I feel deeply sorry for those poor kids and their mother. Hopefully your DP will wake up to the reality soon.

Actually generationgap I chained him to the toilet for three days.

Do you realise how self righteous and patronizing you actually sound?

Anyway funnily enough despite his mother being the lazy idiot that you obviously think she is, he managed to get rid of the nappies in plenty of time before school and now has no accident neither does he ever wet the bed.

I may be self-righteous and nasty but I wouldn't do that to a child.

I think we all know that she didn't force him screaming and crying to the toilet non stop for 3 days.

But it suits your purposes to pretend she did.

As I say, you do yourself no favours.

So generationgap what do you propose she does then? Consider earlier you were slagging off people who stopped when a child wasn't ready?

The child should choose their own potty or toilet seat something they feel comfortable with and their own pants and then the child should be offered an incentive to use the potty/toilet (reward, sticker, praise) whatever motivates the child. They should not be dragged there they should go on their own it should be non threatening and non confrontational. Accidents should be cleaned up quickly without comment, successes should be praised (but not OTT) and rewarded

YABU some kids aren't ready till almost 4 or older. My 5th (my 4 older ones were all dry by 3) was in pull ups till 3yr6m. Tried over a year potty training, he just wasn't ready. When he was ready he took two days! Keep your nose out or you will cause a lot of trouble!

Ok I wasn't going to take the bait but, what happened was he was already using the toilet for poos and catching the occassional wee, we had a reward chart so he'd get a sticker everytime he used the toilet. The toilet had been slowly introduced over a long period of time in a positive way, firstly by leaving a potty around the house for him to play with and practice sitting on, then to copying mummy by just sitting on the toilet.

He was getting bigger and older so I took him to choose some big boy pants, explained we would try and use the toilet for wee wees now too and we didn't need nappies anymore. Started off quite well at first, lots of praise, jumping up and down and clapping for getting a wee in the toilet plus a sticker on the chart. But as I said earlier he'd do a big wee in the toilet then come away and five minutes later wee on the floor, I responded by saying 'never mind, maybe you'll get to the toilet next time', and changing him/cleaning up. Then he'd literally do another wee fifteen minutes later. It was clear he just had no idea when he was about to go, he didn't even seem to realise when he was getting it in the toilet apart from when I cheered and clapped. So he got frustrated, then he didn't want to go to the toilet at all. So I left it alone and as I said 3 months later we did it no trouble. His bladder seemed to hold for longer and he knew when he was going which meant he responded to the toilet much better.

Anyway coming out of nappies later doesn't seem to have adversly affected him so meh.

But it's not really an accident if a child is pissing 5 times in an hour and has no clue when they are going to do it so cannot even warn you.

An accident is what happens when they understand when they are going to do a wee, sort of know you want them to get it in the toilet but don't make it or forget themselves. When a child is not ready they are just not ready, they haven't even got the bladder control.

You make it sound so simple. Shame things aren't always as black and white in the real world

if anybody can show me one person who has PT over 40 or so babies at the just started walking stage with no issues no problems not even the teny tinyest bit of upset,then i will show you a liar.

I have noticed that children are training later and later these days. My step Mum runs a preschool (has done for 20 years) she has also noticed it. Parents regularly send untrained 3 year olds ~ that was not the norm.

I believe children trained earlier when many were still using cloth/terry.

Its not uncomfortable to wear a disposable (compared to cloth) there is little physical incentive for the toddler to try.

I'm not going to say YABU op I understand where you are coming from.

I know you were asked earlier but didn't see a response - how many children do you have generationgap?

I think sometimes even a 3 year old isn't ready. I think if potty training can't be done in two days, they aren't ready.

Wow I thought you had some magic solution to toilet training. What you've just described is what pretty much every parent does. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Or do you actually think that parents scream get on that toilet you little * or you're having no tea.

I think the previous threads are appropriate in a context where I think the OP is presenting herself as having 'rights' over the child in question.

Cheering and clapping is way over the top and too much pressure, that probably did not help his frustration when he had an accident. I firmly believe that any nt child over 30 months would succeed with my method within 2 weeks max if it was followed consistently, matter of factly with encouragement reward and praise.

feminie lots of things have changed since 'the good ole days' doesn't mean the modern way is wrong. Perhaps people just realise the advanages now to leaving it until the child is completely ready to go?

My mum has raised three kids and we were all out of nappies a bit younger but seeing me with ds she admits if she had her time over again she'd do it my way as it took me under a week, it took her a year.