to think that a 3 year old girl shouldn't be in nappies

[missymarmite]

Quick background. I have 1 DS 9, we live with DP and his eldest DD 10, and we have his other two DD, 7 and 3, every weekend from thursday/friday to sunday.

The 3 year old had her birthday last month. I put my foot down and took the executive decision to try toilet training her. Every time before that, I mentioned it to DP he said it was up to his XW to sort it as the resident parent. So one day I just put her in some old knickers and let her run round outside in a dress. She got a bit upset when she wet herself, but over the next couple of weekends she began to get the hang of it. You can tell when she needs to go, because she kind of holds herself down there. At night and when we go out we put nappy pants on her and then she doesn't ask for the toilet, but in knickers she does.

DP told XW that she won't ask for the toilet when in nappy pants, but she has made no effort whatsoever to toilet train her, despite the fact that she only works part time and has every weekend child free, while both DP and I work full time and are exhausted most of the time, we still make the effort.

Am I BU to be frustrated and annoyed at this woman?

Because you tried and gave up! If you had persevered first time and tried different techniques she would have been dry sooner.

Different techniques??? Please explain.

I am so glad I didn't perservere first time but put DS back in nappies for a month because when I tried again, it just worked. No time needed, he just used potty or toilet from then on.

Generation You are aware that although children generally tend to develop in the same sequence, they do develop at different rates?

I feel fine about myself thanks Generation - I don't agonise over my parenting, I use my common sense and take cues from my DCs and advice from people who have done it before. I would be wary of anyone who said that ALL children should be doing anything by x time (and I am not particularly thinking about SN children, just different levels of development.) General consensus seems to be that one of the reasons kids train later now is that the terry cloth nappies were so much more unpleasant feeling when wet / dirty that they were keener to get out of them, but it really doesn't matter.

To answer the op yabu it is not your decision to make. Your dp needs to talk to his ex so tbey can decide on qhen and how to potty train. the dd does sound ready but she is only going to get confused if you are training and her mum keeps her in nappies. her parents need to talk and sort this out.

Re training age, they vary. my 4boys all out of nappies at diff ages, one at 18mths, one not until 3yrs 4mths but they all did it in a few days as they were ready. the other two were between 2-3yrs, i cant remember exactly, purely vecause it was a non issue i did it when they were ready and it was easy.

I remember ds1 who trained at 18mths as he did it himself! He was also talking fluently by one yr and so at 18mths had vocabularly of a 4yr old and so he told me he wanted to wear pants etc.

Ds4 didnt train til 3yrs 4mths we tried a few times before and he was not ready and got upset so we left it and then when ge was ready he was dry in two days.

My dd is 21mths she us not ready, she is aware when having a poo and tells me but when napplyess the look of suptuse on her face when she wees us funny!

I had thouggt next summer i may give potty training a go depending on her. lots of people have told me girls are easier but the boys werent hard to train!

And the poster that said thet train when they are walking! Two of mine walked at 9mth, walking does not equate being ready to potty train! Some can be trainwd at 18mths, most are older and 3 is probably about average not late.

This is a difficult one but by the sounds of it you were only trying to help and you do sound like a very nice stepmum tbh. If you are good enough to look after her eldest child 24/7 then surely you are good enough to potty train the little girl? If her mum is being like this then I would just leave her to it and avoid pushing it if she thinks she is doing the right thing by leaving it until she is older. I also think it is hard to judge someone else unless you are actually in this position.

There are some strange attitudes on this thread. Very old fashioned ideas of potty 'training'. Do these people also 'train' their children to walk talk and read? All children can walk by 18m, if they're not its because the parents haven't trained them right

Oh and my 21mth old has a dummy for nap and bedtimes, her speach and teeth are fine.

Ds4 had a bottle of milk before bed till 3yrs 5mths and ds2 and ds3 both breastfed until almost 4yrs old, shrug. children grow up they are not going to stay a baby and grow out of these comforts. I have no idea why some are in such a rush to get them out of nappies, off breast/bottle/dummy etc they get there and imo rushing these things on a toddler that is not ready will cause far more harm than waiting a few months.

By the time they are older no-one knows when they were potty trained, no-one cares either!

I started to pt Ds1 at 2, kept it up for a month but it just wasn't happening, he got upset and frustrated, I got upset he was upset, it was horrible. Kept trying on and off for a while and just decided to stop stressing. He was fully trained within a week when he hit 3 so I realised I was pushing him before when I should have just waited. His nursery even told me off nicely for pushing him too hard

Am going to take my lead from Ds2 this time and wait til he's ready.

Imo its a lazy parent who insists on pt when the child is clearly not ready. I admit I just couldn't be arsed with changing nappies anymore when I started pushing Ds. Won't be making that mistake again

Generation you do realise that PT is not a developmental milestone so has zero impact on whether a child is delayed. Being rude and deliberatly hurtful to those who don't agree with you shows you lack adequate communication skills for a forum where strong opinions are likely to invoke heated debate.

Mine were all in cloth Can't say I agree with these supposed miraculous qualities of toilet trainin cloth nappies contain.

dd we trained at 2 but she was still wetting herself at 4/5

ds1 was 2.7 and was dry days and night just after his 3rd birthday

ds2 is 3.8 and still getting nowhere.... it took me months just to teach him to release pee on command, so at least if I can convince him to do so (a battle in itself) I can keep his bladder empty but poo is a no go and if he needs to pee he won't tell me.

I didn't/don't want to be cleaning up poo and pee at those ages, I detest nappies and if I'd had a choice they would all have been trained at 18 months..... unfortunately the universe didn't bestow me with children who wished to comply with that notion.

I'm going to go with the general consensus here and say YABU OP. It's really not your decision to make and you should be taking the lead from the child's parents as to when potty training should take place.

As for the age of the child, 3 really isn't late at all. Assuming there are no other factors to take into consideration, the age range for potty training can run until approaching 4. From my (admittedly limited) experience, it becomes quite obvious when a child is ready. I remember my mum trying to train DS1 shortly after DS2 was born (he was just over 2). She followed him around with a potty constantly and didn't get anywhere. 6 months later, he was showing an interest and trained within a few days. He was dry at night not that long after.

Children are different and I think the trick is to wait until they are ready. If you don't you risk making it a long and frustrating process for both of you.

As for dummies, I can't speak from personal experience and neither of mine would accept one, but I'm guessing the same principal applies.

Dummies are reported tolessen the risk of SIDS.

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece why am I a "judgemental idiot"? Just because I hold a different view to you doesn't make me an idiot.

I genuinely think that if some nappy free time regularly and being sat on the potty / toilet before going in the bath etc helps to encourage them to want to do it. If you don't try then it'll take a hell of a long time for them to just decide they don't want to wear nappies.

I actually agreed and said that I thought the OP was BU as it isn't her decision to make.

Couthy, you might need to eat that hat judging by the OPs posting history, doesn't look like she was the other woman at all. She posted a message late last year, two months after getting together with her DP seeking reassurance and advice about dating a man with children (who appeared to already be separated).

Got to be honest though, it really sounds like there is a lot more than potty training here. It does sounds like you are spot on with the idea about there being a lot of insecurity on the part of the OP though.

In one thread she posted "I am feeling very wobbly about the whole step-family thing. What if his DC HATE ME?" and that she wouldn't move in with him for a year or so (and that thread suggests she's only been with her DP for a in year total and this thread reads like they have been living together for some time).

I would honesty say to the OP to take a step back and look at the bigger picture and not the potty training and to question how secure she feels in the relationship and how she feels the step parenting as a whole is working. Having looked at this, I'm sticking to my initial gut feeling about about this thread not being about potty training at all...

I'm smelling an OP who is trying too hard with everything and needs to give herself as well as everyone else a break. Learn a bit of patience all round. I think she needs to relax a bit and enjoy things rather than constantly feel like she needs to prove X,Y, Z to everyone else, but more importantly herself.

I notice the OP hasn't been back to answer my questions yet. Perhaps I'm phrasing it wrong?

Op - how long have you and dp been together? How long have you been doing this step-parenting role?

I wonder what is actually going on here because potty training is clearly not the main issue. Why does one of your partner's DDs live with you and not the other two - do they not have the same mother? Separating siblings is not normally regarded as a good idea unless there are very pressing reasons for it. Is your DP interested in getting custody of the younger DDs, has he ever suggested it? Or, conversely, has his XW ever suggested regaining custody of the 10-year-old?

I am wondering if your DP is the sort of bloke who likes to replace one woman with another at regular intervals, and therefore encourages the new woman to hate and despise her predecessor. You sound quite smug, blinkered and arrogant, but this could really bite you on the arse when your DP gets bored, decides he fancies sticking his dick somewhere else (probably as soon as you have had a baby of his and are therefore less keen to indulge his every whim and prioritize him over everything else) and then you will be getting painted as the Evil Ex who is a Bad Mother.

Northernlurker, she posted in December that they had been together for two months.

^GenerationGap Sun 30-Sep-12 12:45:58
If your child is seriously distressed at using the potty then something has gone badly wrong during potty training. Potty training is not easy no-one said that but not doing it (and persevering with it) by age 3 is lazy parenting^

Maybe what has gone badly wrong is the parent "persevering" despite the obvious lack of readiness from the child...

You are overly judgemental for an issue that really should concern no one but a child's parents....and the child.

Yes I see that Hmm - but surely there must be some mistake. You wouldn't actually asert you knew how to a parent a child better than their non -abusive birth mother when you'd know them less than a year, would you? You wouldn't confidently describe the arrangement with the older child as being of unchangeable permanence when it's only been going a few months surely? I don't think anybody would be as arrogant as the OP about this situation if the relationship she's in has been around for a shorter period of time than the chutney she's got at the back of the fridge. No, you must be mistaken. I'm sure she'll be along to confirm that.

The fact that your DP leaves this up to you probably explains why his last relationship failed. He should step up and look after his own toddler - including potty training, instead of leaving it to the women.

Northern, thats why I've got alarm bells ringing on this one.

And from what she's posted I don't think it is a mistake.

She posted this in August:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1288617-How-do-you-make-yourself-happy-to-be-single

And this in December:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1370314-any-one-here-dated-a-man-with-kids

There is WAY more to this. Things don't sit right when I read those two threads. I don't like linking to them as they are in relationships, but I have a weird feeling about this thread (and probably feel that in reality AIBU perhaps isn't the best place for it).

Well, I'll get the ketchup then, my hat will taste better with it.

Still, the OP seems to be trying too hard to involve herself in things that really aren't her business.

And if they had only been together for 2 months in December, then they have only been together for a total of 11 months, and they are already living together, even though both adults have children to consider. And it sounds like they have been living together for a while already.

It all just seems a bit rushed, and if I was the 3yo's mother, I would be giving her a bit if time to settle down from all the upheaval before introducing PT into the mix. Let's not forget that the Ex has also moved her new partner in already. All sounds a bit Jeremy Kyle to me!

When I got back with DS2's dad after a 2 year break, he didn't move back in until we had been seeing each other for over 18 months. Even though we already had a child together. And looking back, I STILL think that was too quick. We have separated again now.

I just had a look at the OP's other thread, and unfortunately it confirms the impression she's given on this one - that she is self-righteous and deluded as to her own wonderfulness. She's determined that this frankly dubious-sounding man is The One and her Soulmate, so she's busy trying to ram everyone else into the boxes she's chosen for them.

It's not going to work, OP. There is more to life than True Love, it's just a pity these poor kids are getting steamrollered under your obsession.

generationgap what a nasty ignorant little person you are.

You clearly have no idea. I know quite all the toilet training 'techniques', but if the child just isn't emotionally and physically ready it won't happen so ultimately what youo will end up with is 6 months of pissing all over the floor and probably delaying the whole process.

I tried at 2, then again at 2.5 with a potty, then at 3, I went 3 days with no nappies, ds screamed and cried everytime he went near the toilet. And he wasn't physically ready to control his bladder either which was clear because he'd have a big wee and then do another 5 small wees within an hour, he had no idea when he was about to go even after 3 days of soaked pants and soaked house. I rang my health visitor at the end of my tether thinking I was 'lazy' or a failure because I had some idiot like you in my ear. She gave me some tips, things I'd already tired anyway but she said ultimately it sounds as though he's not ready and to leave it as it will only turn into a behaviour issue. She told me to not even mention the toilet to ds for 3 months and then try again. I did and he came out of nappies in a week with about 3 accidents.

And btw my ds didn't poo in his nappy for abuot a year before he came out of them as he knew when he needed a poo s could make it to the toilet. Wees he just had no control over. If you've never had a child that has been ready later you wouldn't understand.

I don't think that linking to the OP's previous threads is ok, tbh.