to think that a 3 year old girl shouldn't be in nappies

[missymarmite]

Quick background. I have 1 DS 9, we live with DP and his eldest DD 10, and we have his other two DD, 7 and 3, every weekend from thursday/friday to sunday.

The 3 year old had her birthday last month. I put my foot down and took the executive decision to try toilet training her. Every time before that, I mentioned it to DP he said it was up to his XW to sort it as the resident parent. So one day I just put her in some old knickers and let her run round outside in a dress. She got a bit upset when she wet herself, but over the next couple of weekends she began to get the hang of it. You can tell when she needs to go, because she kind of holds herself down there. At night and when we go out we put nappy pants on her and then she doesn't ask for the toilet, but in knickers she does.

DP told XW that she won't ask for the toilet when in nappy pants, but she has made no effort whatsoever to toilet train her, despite the fact that she only works part time and has every weekend child free, while both DP and I work full time and are exhausted most of the time, we still make the effort.

Am I BU to be frustrated and annoyed at this woman?

And yes, nobody MEDICAL was at all concerned about DD not being PT at 3yo. It wasn't until she was over 4yo that she was referred for testing.

Yes, DD had a medical problem. She was also in cloth (she's nearly 15, cloth was cheaper then than disposables), and wasn't PT any quicker because of that.

She just WASN'T ready.

And if my DS3 being distressed when he weed the very first time I have left him with his nappy off is my fault (?!) then so be it. I would rather have a happy 20mo in nappies than an unhappy one in pants that was wetting themselves all the time.

They aren't PT just because they are wearing pants or knickers. They are PT when they stop having accidents. THAT is the age they are PT at.

PT doesn't take 5 weeks if the child is really ready, physiologically, physically and emotionally. It takes about 20 minutes of explaining that wees and poohs go in the toilet, and big boys and girls wear knickers or pants.

20 minutes versus 5 weeks...

A happy child versus a stressed, confused child...

Saying children aren't ready at 3 is a cop out and what it really means is 'I can't be arsed to commit to a time consuming task that may involve accidents and mess but it ultimately in the best interest of my child!' same with dummies beyond six months totally for the (lazy) parents benefit and in no way beneficial to the child's development!

So how do you explain the families where 2 children are trained under 3 but one is over 3?

Or the parents on twins where 1 twin is potty trained 6 months before the other?

In that case I am a lazy parent with the dummies but a very not lazy parent with the nappies. However did I manage to get by, I must have been doing my own head in. The dummy helped with the training of one of them, which is so lazy/not lazy confusing I think I'll have to go and lie down.

I'm with you on that MmeLindor plus SM here probably has the child's best interests are heart, we have no reason to think otherwise. It's communicating this that is the problem. As much as mother has parental rights she also has responsibility, that might include listening to others who are involved in the child's care. Otherwise if mother had concerns that SM concerns are at odds with the welfare of the child, why leave the child in her care? The DP is as wet as the nappies IMO. Its communication that is needed. I'm just glad it's moved beyond castigating the OP.

Mini
I presume GenerationGap's post was deleted as goading (and no, I didn't report it). No idea why Thumb's post went. I can't remember anything controversial.

Am not going to engage any more, because it is totally irrelevant to the OP whether someone on the internet thinks those who delay PT are lazy.

The OP seems to think that her DH's ex falls into this category, but then she knows the woman and sees the other decisions she makes in childcare.

They weren't committed and you have to accept that some children will get the hang of it quicker than others but that doesn't mean you give up! Just stop buying nappies altogether and get on with it. Don't make accidents a big deal (don't even comment) just change their underwear and get on with it!

I reported it, and my own because I quoted it in full.

I'm not worried about my 20mo not being emotionally ready for PT. He'll do it when HE'S ready. Barring any medical issues, which I don't think is an issue with him, he will be PT at some point between 21mo and 4y8m when he starts YR.

Does it matter when you sit your GCSE's or your degree what age you were PT at?!

I think some posters on this thread need to gain a sense of perspective. PT may seem like a massive issue at the time, but with the benefit of hindsight and teenage DC's, It REALLY doesn't matter how old your DC is when they get out of nappies.

My friend has two toddlers, literally 12mo apart. The older one just wasn't ready for PT at 2yo. The younger one was. She actually ended up PT them both at the sane time. They both got out of nappies day and night at the sane time. One was 2y1m, the other was 3y1m.

Children are all different.

generation is there any reason why your posts come across as very " im such a better parent than you because children in my charge pt at 18 months?"

it appears to me that the only person who benefits from the all children are the same and should do xyz by this age if they dont you are lazy and your child is not good enough, attitude is a person who feels the need to put others down to make themselves feel better and likes to feel superior.

do you display that attitude in the nursey you work at?

Jesus Generation wind your neck in! Fuck the fuck off and take your judgy pants with you. On what planet are all children ready by the same point to move on to the next step and what exactly is the rush? My DS is 3 and still has his dummy at night time. It doesn't impede his speech because he is asleep and his teeth are fine. We'll drop it when he is ready to, probably sometime this year. To brand all parents lazy who don't whizz their kids on is ridiculous and offensive. Have a .

Well said Trixie

How lazy am I as a parent then?! My DD was not dry at night until she was 12y9mo.

Oh, hang on, my next DC was dry at night and day by 21mo...

Ah, my third DC wasn't PT until 2y7m. But he couldn't walk or talk. Does that one make me lazy or not lazy?!

And DS3 is an enigma, he is currently 20mo and in nappies...

Couthy
You could be wrong. Imagining it now...

'Sorry, MmeLindorDD. You have excellent A+ grades, your extracurricular activities are varied and interesting, your teachers report that they have never seen such a talented and engaged pupil, and that you were a dream to teach. I can see, however that you weren't out of nappies until you were 3 years old, so I am afraid that we cannot admit you to Cambridge'.

Grey-haired academic sadly shuts application folder and smiles gently at upset MmeLindorDD, as she gathers her belongings and walks forlornly out of his office.

^I think the cloth vs disposable thing is purely convenience.

Of course people started earlier when they were washing cloth nappies.^

I am not sure if that is really true. DS is now 26 and I, and most new mums at that time, used disposables, but I had friends with children 2 or 3 years older who used terries and they also delayed potty training till their DCs were about 2.6. So I think the trend (and medical advice) to delay potty training pre-dates the almost universal use of disposable nappies. If anything, it was the introduction of plastic pants that made early potty training less desirable.

Going by the disagreement over potty training, it seems to me that this co-parenting agreement isn't working.

What will happen when the child grows older and the disagreements grow in proportion with her?

The child is stuck in the middle time and time again.

I think you'll find, generationgap, that the one person benefitting from PT ALL DC's in your care by 18mo bollocks btw is YOU. It doesn't take into account the differences in development, physically, physiologically and emotionally between each individual child.

You could be causing a lot of distress to some of these DC's. doesn't it bother you to see a child upset after an accident? When you say to ignore an accident, would you ignore a child that is crying after an accident or would you give them a cuddle?

I don't have to tell people to fuck off to make me feel better about myself either!

With a nappy with liner - like the cloth I used - wetting that is very different to wetting your knickers and trousers - running down your leg etc. I personally find that an unpleasant thought.

Didn't bother DS in the slightest which is, possibly, why my first attempt at potty training didn't work.

Who said anything about 18months or working in a nursery? (confused)

Generationgap is just a windup merchant.

I don't give a fuck if anyone thinks I'm lazy because my 3.1yo dd3 is not out of nappies. She'll come out of them in her own time, just like the rest of her siblings did (2, 2.1 and 3.5)

Rather wait and she be dry pretty much immediately than have to nag her to use the potty and spend half my life washing clothes that wouldn't have been soiled otherwise.

Yep, the co parenting arrangement has broken down IMO, and that needs to be rectified. For the children's benefit.

And unless the mum or her new partner have physically hurt the oldest DD, she should be MADE to have contact with her mum. The ONLY time contact should be stopped is if the child is at risk of harm.

As the OP says nothing about the mum or the mum's partner hitting the oldest DD, or worse, then the child should be made to have contact with her mum. She isn't old enough to make that decision for herself.

It seems to me that the OP would like to have her partner's DC 's living with them FT, get to make all the parenting decisions, and write the mother out of the DC's life.

Which is WRONG.

My concern is that children will be trained later and later. Soon it will be acceptable to be in nappies at 42 months then 48. Nappy companies want us to keep buying nappies forever and so try and normalise it! Children should be encouraged to use the toilet (or potty) from age 2 and putting them in nappies or pull-ups only discourages this.

generationgap do you actually have children?

Have experience of this, and IME it's usually women that have been the OW that act like this, because having to deal with their partner talking to their ex about the DC's is a constant reminder of what they've done in breaking up a family.

The mother is a constant reminder of that. Also, as her partner and her partner's ex have to talk about the DC's, they feel insecure because they know that the person that cheated with them is likely to also cheat on them...

If they vilify the mother, and make her seem like a bad mum, it justifies their wish to take over and remove her from their life and not be faced with a permanent reminder of their bad behaviour, it is a continuation if the vilification that the OW and the man used while continuing the affair to dehumanise their wife and make it seem ok to cheat on her.

If the OP wasn't the OW I will eat my hat!