to think that a 3 year old girl shouldn't be in nappies

[missymarmite]

Quick background. I have 1 DS 9, we live with DP and his eldest DD 10, and we have his other two DD, 7 and 3, every weekend from thursday/friday to sunday.

The 3 year old had her birthday last month. I put my foot down and took the executive decision to try toilet training her. Every time before that, I mentioned it to DP he said it was up to his XW to sort it as the resident parent. So one day I just put her in some old knickers and let her run round outside in a dress. She got a bit upset when she wet herself, but over the next couple of weekends she began to get the hang of it. You can tell when she needs to go, because she kind of holds herself down there. At night and when we go out we put nappy pants on her and then she doesn't ask for the toilet, but in knickers she does.

DP told XW that she won't ask for the toilet when in nappy pants, but she has made no effort whatsoever to toilet train her, despite the fact that she only works part time and has every weekend child free, while both DP and I work full time and are exhausted most of the time, we still make the effort.

Am I BU to be frustrated and annoyed at this woman?

Anther thought from my post yesterday, I really hate the idea of potty training. The thought of a potty disgusts me, when my ds was ready he just used the toilet with a step and seat on. I would hate the thought of someone putting him on a potty, yuck.

When they are ready no training is needed if they have no additional needs.

Starting nursery or pre school

They can do it if they are supported.

Can you say what you mean by this? I am curious as this is at odds with my experience.

I'd rather be thought to be lazy than deliberately offensive.

I can laugh at it, but your comments are possibly upsetting to some posters who are struggling with potty training at the moment, GenerationGap.

My DC are 8yo and 10yo and have had no long term affects from my lazy parenting, btw.

But it would have meant staying in at a time when I couldn't, ie; parties, supermarket, errands, going out for walks etc. We still have to live so it was better for me to potty train over Xmas when I was off work and the pressure was off.

That's a pretty big conclusion to leap to. I would love to know what medical training you have to be able to diagnose developmental delay based on the age a child potty trains

Mine didn't have to be potty trained for nursery either as they'd been at nursery since 12 months.

ok, that is enough, GenerationGap

There are perhaps women reading this who are worried about their children and to say that they are developmentally delayed is simply NOT ON.

My DS was well over 3yo when he was totally trained. He is not in any way delayed.

You are using your experience to judge others, and worrying those whose children are different to yours.

Hmm, none of the 4 HCPs I spoke to about DD1's potty training seemed remotely concerned that she was still in nappies at 3. They told me not to worry until she was 4. There was no mention of developmental delays, they all reassured me it was perfectly normal.

Where did I say anything about SW's?!

I would have intervened if it was a safety matter, of course. I'm not going to stand by and watch a child, any child get hurt or abused if I can step in.

What I AM saying is that PARENTING DECISIONS should be taken by the mum and dad of that child. Bedtimes should be consistent in both households, rules and acceptable/unacceptable behaviours should be discussed by the mum and dad of that child.

Consistency for the child should be the first thing thought about, whether the parents are in a relationship or not.

I really don't see parenting decisions as anything to do with anyone else that I might be in a relationship with, or anyone else that their dad might be in a relationship with.

It is a stepparent's job to care for the children and to follow the wishes of that child's parents. It's the ethos I lived by when I was in a relationship with someone who had existing children, and it's the ethos I expect my DC's father's new partners to live by.

DD's SM is brilliant. I love her to pieces. She respects the decisions that me and DD's dad make, she phoned me and asked if it was ok to take DD for her first manicure, she goes out if her way to be kind to DD and respectful of the fact that I brought DD up with no input from her father (his choice, he took a long time to grow up, SM had issues with this with THEIR first DC too...) for the first 12 years of her life. I luffs DD's SM, and I KNOW that she would never make parenting decisions wrt DD.

DS1's SM - totally different. She gets his hair cut against his wishes, leaves him out, tries to get over involved in his schooling (turning up to PARENT'S evening, wtf?!), punishes him in ways that are inconsistent with those that had been agreed upon between my Ex and me, and then to top it all off, raised her hand to hit him (and would have, had his Sbro not pulled him out if the way), and left fingertip bruising on his arm. He no longer has ANY contact with her. He is seeing his dad, I'm happy to continue to facilitate that, even if the odd days and times are ALL to suit his dad and are messing with my plans. I DON'T like her.

So I'm not against SM's in general. Just the ones that overstep the mark, and don't respect that PARENTING decisions should be made by that child's PARENTS.

I struggled to train my dd and she didn't relinquish nappies till she was about 3. She wanted to have a new pair of trousers, but they wouldn't fit over the nappy (this was in the days of huge terry nappies) so she simply announced that she wouldn't be wearing nappies any more - and that was that! She was obviously ready but until then had preferred the convenience of not having to visit the loo!
I think that could often be the case with children now, especially as nappies and pull-ups are so much more comfortable than they were. Children simply don't see the need to bother with pants or knickers. We've made life too comfortable for them!

Well perhaps if they are worried they will do something about it!

GenerationGap
You are posting deliberately goading posts.

Neither of mine are 'delayed' in any way either. I am very lucky that they are quite the opposite.

I would hope nobody was worried if a young child wasnt ready to potty train. Wait til they are ready and it will make it easier and less stressful for everyone

What is good is that the discussion has moved from attacking OP and focusing on the rights of parents to the need of the child.

Some people talk of children showing signs, being ready, training very quickly, distressed either because they want to be dry or distress because they are not ready.

Rereading the OP and putting the emphasis on the needs of the child

"She got a bit upset when she wet herself, but over the next couple of weekends she began to get the hang of it. You can tell when she needs to go, because she kind of holds herself down there. At night and when we go out we put nappy pants on her and then she doesn't ask for the toilet, but in knickers she does"

What is the consensus now?

My youngest was night dry by 18 months but day time, well....playing was far more fun and why let some discomfort distract him from cars, trains, sandpits etc. He was gone 3 by the time i had him toilet trained and in fact may have been nearer 4. He is 18 now and none the worse for it.

Mini
I would say, going by what the OP has posted, that her DSD is probably ready to move out of nappies, and if she was doing it full time rather than just at weekends, she'd probably be dry in a couple of days.

Her parents need to work together on it though.

^in pre-cloth days, people did timing from birth and achieved competence at 3mo (obv this is mother and baby teamwork) - there are still remote places where this is the norm.

there are still people alive today who would have started at 6mo - women that didn't have washing machines, and i think we can safely assume wouldn't have done so if leaving them in nappies was less work. In many places around the world, that is still the norm.^

I would hope they would still be alive today, as holding your baby over a potty from the age of 6 months (or even younger) was standard advice in the mid 1960s. But you couldn't really call it potty training (more like catching the drips). For a child to be fully trained they would still have to take themselves of to the potty and manage their clothes, or ask someone to do it for them within sufficient time.

What is the consensus now?

My opinion hasn't changed actually. If anything I feel even more strongly that communication needs to improve, instead of point scoring against the EW.

If she feels that way she needs to work with the parents not "put her foot down and make an executive decision" and bully her DP until he cracks.

Its her attitude and the way she's not respecting and giving the parents the space to make decisions together in their own time thats the issue not the potty training.

She could express an opinion and encourage the parents to go down the route of potting training in a much more constructive and supportive fashion rather than dictating whats going to happen.

So the elimination game starts now! The nappy wars part III why are peoples posts vanishing.

I used to work with looked after children, a corporate parent if you like, shared care. Amillion is right in what she says. However there were times when the rights of parents are not upheld for good reason, usually when to some extent the rights and needs of the child are not paramount.

The children I worked with had significant developmental delay and at 8 many were still in nappies.