Not wanting my 4 month old to stay overnight at my mother in laws

[Alisonjayjay]

So since I was pregnant I've been feeling slightly annoyed as my mother in law has been getting all the baby equipment for her own house. She now has more baby stuff than we do. People have given her a moses basket, a swinging crib, a cot, a high chair, 2 bouncy chairs, safety gates, boxes and boxes of nappies, toys etc etc. the list goes on! We have gone out and paid a fortune for baby things while she has been given things for free which are immaculate. We could have made use of some of the things but she hasn't even asked if we wanted them. She knew we wanted a specific highchair which was quite expensive so we've had to save money and cutback in order to buy one. A few weeks before we bought the highchair someone gave her the exact same highchair which we wanted to buy but she's keeping it for herself, then last night my oh came home saying someone had given her a travel cot. I said 'for god sake she's got more baby things than we do' and he said well it'll be good for when the baby is staying overnight with her! He's 17 weks right now and exclusively breastfed. You should have seen the look on my oh face when I said he wouldn't be staying overnight, not when he's a baby. Yes maybe when he's a bit bigger and he wants to stay but not when he's so little. Am I being unreasonable? He's my baby and I don't want him staying out overnight. My oh said but what if we are going out. Firstly I don't plan on being out overnight and if I did need someone to look after him I'd want then to watch him at our house so he could sleep in his own bed. Yes he can stay with her for a few hours during the day but not overnight. Am I being unreasonable?

My BF DS is 16 months and I doubt he'll be ready to stay a night from me for a long time. He gets huge separation anxiety and he'd be distraught if I left him overnight right now, it would really unnerve him.

So go at your own pace. Breastfeeding is not just about milk, it's mummy, it's comfort and security... so don't be bullied into something you're not comfortable with.

YANBU! Your MIL sounds quite odd tbh! Some people are very strange indeed

Maybe not now, but it may be something that you want to build up towards to in the future.

In a way, it is great that your baby's GM wants to have a close relationship with her GC one day. It will not happen overnight and it probably needs to build up over time so that you feel comfortable with it and her GC feels secure enough to do this.
Maybe one day, you will ask her to have your child for an hour then a few hours, half a day, and eventually overnight. I am starting to warm up to the idea that idea, and DS is 5!
I have left him at home with my parents or at theirs for a day (they live very far away so that was on holiday when I went in town without him as a toddler). I leave him for a few hours with GP but never yet a full night, neither of us fancies it yet :-)

DS has only spent 1 night away from us, and that was when there was a snow storm and a friend looked after him one night as DH and I both got home very late at night, caught in the snow.

I only breastfed him for 6 months so would not have used this as an excuse to have to stay with him, I am quite assertive when it comes to what I think is right or not for him. Do not let anyone persuade you to do anything that you don't feel confident for your own child. If you are not happy about the arrangement, chances are your baby won't either.

Maybe you can have a sleepover at MIL with your baby one day, if that's an acceptable compromise for one night?

YANBU. 4 months is far too young for you to be expected to feel comfortable leaving your baby over night. If you did, the baby would be fine - but it isnt right for YOU, and therefore anyone who tries to pressure you into it is being unreasonable. Go at your own pace. x

YANBU

It's your call. No one else's right. My SIL decided when I was 3 months pg that she wanted DD for an overnight stay in the third week of December!! We have said no - she will be 4 months old and is BF. She has saved stuff from her own DC to accommodate this. The issue is her treating DD very much like a doll, removing her clothes to look at her, encouraging DN in dressing her up etc. Even MIL has told her to back off.

We've just said no. Despite the fact she has got her kids overexcited about this apparent arrangement. She's all about what she wants, not what's best for us or DD at all.i would mind less but you can count on one hand how often we see her every year.

It sounds like your DH and MIL may have had conversations about baby staying over or perhaps assumptions have been made on what your MIL did with her babies or what you would like to do.

I was initially thinking how odd it was that she was getting loads of baby gear in then i remembered that when i was preggers with DS a couple of years ago my auntie gave my mum and dad all the stuff that she used for her DGCs, cot, high chair etc, then some family friends gave them loads of gear, bouncers, car seats....but, my folks were to take an active role in childcare as i was always going to go back to work when he was 8 months. This was discussed when i was pg. They looked after him from quite early on for an hour or two here and there so that i could have a bit of a break and so that DS would get used to being handled by them and this increased to full days prior to going back to work but there were never any sleep overs as it wasn't necessary. (DS was BF as well so i was expressing lots) He has only just had his first sleep over at DGPs (he's 2 now) and that was because i was extremely ill (D&V) and couldn't look after him. It is useful that they have all the gear because i haven't had to worry about lugging equipment around, so it might be handy for you at a later date.

I suppose it comes down to what the purpose of an over night stay is and also whether you trust the person you are leaving your baby with.

Ultimately YANBU your baby, your call.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, although it isn't unreasonable for her to want to have your baby overnight, she really should have discussed it with you before filling her house with baby things that may never be used.
That said, you are equally as able to open such a discussion as she is and you haven't. The result being that nobody has any idea of what is expected of them, if you and your DH both have different ideas of what you both expected re overnight stays then you really need to have a sit down chat together first and subsequently communicate your plans to MIL.

Overnight stays just do not work for everybody, it certainly won't harm your baby's relationship with MIL if they don't happen. I didn't stay with my maternal GM till I was 4ish, and I stayed every weekend after that for my entire childhood. I adore her and I don't think I would love her any more had I stayed overnight any earlier.

My MIL didn't have DD3 until she was about 9 months, before that she babysat at our house. I wouldn't have been comfortable with any earlier, so we just waited until I was. DH felt the same mind you! But MIL was more than happy to wait, although she was itching to have DD to herself she totally respected our feelings. 2 years down the line and she has the most amazing relationship with DD, we moved 4 hours away and she regularly takes her for a week and they both love it. MIL was not the most maternal of mothers to DH but being a GM morphed her into supergran instantly

Another one here who is closer to MIL than my BM, it's not always been plain sailing but a frank discussion to let everyone know where they stand is better than stewing over things or waiting for people to realise their actions are upsetting you.

Just talk to her OP, I realise I am very lucky in my MIL but just keep in mind that she brought up the man that you love enough to share your lice with, she can't be all that bad surely? I'm sure she'll understand once she realises its not something you feel comfortable with. It probably hasn't crossed her mind!

*life!! Not lice... Oh good grief

Now that would be a VERY special relationship, MissPants.

They get totally carried away. My MIL bought her own pram and car seat, only to end up taking it back in frustration when DS was 6 months old and they 'still' hadn't used them.

It's a weird form of control I think - and an effort to send out a message that 'they'll be having him/her'. I can remember both my mother and MIL putting pressure on me to part from DS. They were like scary hyenas.

DS is now 17 months and both DM and MIL do now have reason for the equipment they originally bought. But initially he was EBF and it was a long time before he was going to require babysitting.

She'll back off soon enough, but it'll just be annoying in the meantime.