Not wanting my 4 month old to stay overnight at my mother in laws

[Alisonjayjay]

So since I was pregnant I've been feeling slightly annoyed as my mother in law has been getting all the baby equipment for her own house. She now has more baby stuff than we do. People have given her a moses basket, a swinging crib, a cot, a high chair, 2 bouncy chairs, safety gates, boxes and boxes of nappies, toys etc etc. the list goes on! We have gone out and paid a fortune for baby things while she has been given things for free which are immaculate. We could have made use of some of the things but she hasn't even asked if we wanted them. She knew we wanted a specific highchair which was quite expensive so we've had to save money and cutback in order to buy one. A few weeks before we bought the highchair someone gave her the exact same highchair which we wanted to buy but she's keeping it for herself, then last night my oh came home saying someone had given her a travel cot. I said 'for god sake she's got more baby things than we do' and he said well it'll be good for when the baby is staying overnight with her! He's 17 weks right now and exclusively breastfed. You should have seen the look on my oh face when I said he wouldn't be staying overnight, not when he's a baby. Yes maybe when he's a bit bigger and he wants to stay but not when he's so little. Am I being unreasonable? He's my baby and I don't want him staying out overnight. My oh said but what if we are going out. Firstly I don't plan on being out overnight and if I did need someone to look after him I'd want then to watch him at our house so he could sleep in his own bed. Yes he can stay with her for a few hours during the day but not overnight. Am I being unreasonable?

I do think it´s a shame that MIL hasn´t offered OP any of the stuff she´s been given.

I can´t imagine keeping stuff to kit out my own house if I thought that my son/DIL could do with help kitting out their own.

Transporting stuff is a pain-but depending on how often you see your parents & how long you are there with your children, it´s just not possible to have everything in every location.

now that I think about it....there is no way MIL is ever going to be in a room alone with my child. She told me when pregnant I was "never to let DD be shown violence" and waved her finger at me. she had no right to talk down to me like that and it pissed me off. Her reasons her oldest is violent becuase he heard neighbours arguing and it scared him and that made him that way. FFS. Then a few months back DP told me she had hit him a few times as a young boy and said she couldnt help it cause of mediation. He finds an excuse for his mother for everything. She claims not to remember ANYTHING. Same goes for some other very serious incidents.

medication I mean.

I'm on the fence - she does sound annoying..but otho I think you're being a bit bratty, OP.

She doesn't have to give you the high chair/baby stuff.

And the 'my baby, my rules' works both ways. Yes it's your baby so it's up to you to provide for her - it's wonderful if people donate things or buy you gifts but you can't rely on them or be pissed off if they decide not to.

As for babies staying overnight - well, obviously it's up to the individual but I had no problem (I bloody loved it actually) with grandparents having mine to stay over when they were babies.

I never understand why it's seen as a positive to say 'my dc's 18months/ 2 years and I've only left them twice'. It is good for children to learn to feel safe with other people. And it is good for parents to have some fecking time on their own!

I don't think YABU at all. This may make me sound like a cynical cow but it all seems like a control issue. Kind of a 'If you want nice stuff for your child then you need to visit more often and use mine' situation. It just seems crazy not to offer stuff to you that she knows you don't have. I don't know, maybe I'm projecting my own situation onto yours but you should not feel pressured to leave your baby overnight anywhere. My DS is 14 months and he's never stayed at PIL overnight. He has stayed with my parents but that's because he is a lot closer to them. Sleep overs are not a given, you need to go by how your child reacts!

?In my experience your own friends and relatives are all you will want in the future, not an interfering, nightmare MIL?.....and the prize for the most breathtakingly nasty post on this thread goes to Delhi - that's awful! A MIL is a relative for a start - she's a childs fathers own Mum! Hope to god none of my sons when they are older meet someone with an attitude like that. Yes MILs can be interfering etc but what a lot of women forget is their own Mum is also a MIL to their partner. The OPs MIL may be a bit OTT but nothing strikes me as interfering or indicates she's a nightmare really.

Yanbu to put your child's needs first.

Courts wouldn't order overnight contact for children aged under 3. Yes it works for some, but that doesn't mean it's right for everyone. Child psychologists have established the importance of a child feeling secure with whomever is caring for them. Not all GPs are up to the job of overnight stays, or in fact being responsible for short stints if child care.

You know the individuals concerned and your baby relies on you to make the right decisions. Trust your judgement.

In my experience your own friends and relatives are all you'll want in the future, not an interfering, nightmare MIL ;)

Well yes, that's completely true. Your own friends and relatives are all you'll want. The difficulty is that that applies to your son, too, and your MIL is his close blood relative.

If you don't allow him to form a relationship with a grandparent then you are choosing to deprive him of what is potentially one of the closest family relationships possible. It doesn't matter if you like his grandmother or not, same as it doesn't matter if she likes her son's wife. It should not be about her or you. It should be about a woman's ability to prioritise her child's happiness.

Women who can't promote their child's relationship with their grandparent have no grounds to complain when their MIL shows no respect for their marriage. I detest my MIL (most people do, in fairness. She's a gigantic self-pitying PITA) but she's the only paternal GM my son will ever have, so I try my damndest to interest her in him. Because it's not about me. That's surely the whole point of being a parent. The only reason to exclude a GP is if they are toxic, and in my case, my DH's parents do not fit that label.

Which is NOT saying I think OP is unreasonable on the overnights issue. Setting limits and boundaries is a good idea, I think, in terms of longterm relations. Exclusion is a whole 'nother ballgame. I think women should follow their own instincts on when they're ready to leave a child overnight.

Damefanny That stopped when - for the second time - I found her changing him out of baby clothes she'd kept from her youngest daughter's babyhood. My son is not a dress up doll, or a substitute for your otherwise loveless life.

I don't get it. You stopped her looking after your baby because she dressed him or her in second hand clothes? And? Precious much?

The loveless life comment is just nasty!

In my experience your own friends and relatives are all you will want in the future, not an interfering, nightmare MIL

Wow!

Both of my children were most definitely dress up dolls! Among other things, obviously!

Nope, she was embarrassed that I'd found her dressing up ds unnecessarily in her dd's clothes when there were at least 2 changes in his change bag.

There's more to it but I'd froth.

YANBU on the basis that he is little and breastfed. He will probably cry for you in the middle of the night, especially if he is not used to take milk from a bottle, Your MIL has the right to have him sometimes, he is her grandson, so when he is taking solids and sleeping through you should give it a go. Mine does love to stay with family, she is very comfortable with them. She does not even ask for us.

Op, yanbu. I exclusively breast fed my DC, and overnight stays without me were just not possible. You are doing something brilliant for your baby, if you want some more support post on the breast feeding thread. I'm with you all the way.

In respect of the things she's bought, I think it's odd.....she clearly doesn't know about how the breast feeding is going to impact. You need to start educating her I think.

Your MIL has the right to have him sometimes.

why? I dont see how any grandparent has rights to have grandchildren overnight on the basis of "becuase we want too"

All those who never leave your baby before they are 4 months/ a year/ three years or whatever - how on earth do you think they will cope if you go into hospital or drop dead? You really aren't doing your children any favours, surely its good to learn that it is possible to have someone other than mummy or daddy looking after you occasionally?

I wonder how many of you are also happy to leave chidren with a child minder or at a nursery but wouldn't dream of letting a loving grandparent look after your baby overnight ?

Ragwort why would you leave your baby to prepare them for something that might not happen?

Why does an overnight visit matter so much?

FWIW I have only left DS once overnight when he was 13 months and I was in hospital. I left him with DH. He was fine. Doesn't mean I needed to prepare him by shipping him off the the ILs.

All those who never leave your baby before they are 4 months/ a year/ three years or whatever - how on earth do you think they will cope if you go into hospital or drop dead?

Should we teach them how to det up a direct debit for the council tax too? As for 'how will they cope' er, exactly the same way they'll cope the first time you left yours with someone to get them used to the idea!!!!

Yanbu.

you are not being unreasonable. she isn't entitled to your baby. your baby is far too young to be without you.

I wouldn't leave my baby/toddler/young child with m IL's.

All those who never leave your baby before they are 4 months/ a year/ three years or whatever - how on earth do you think they will cope if you go into hospital or drop dead? You really aren't doing your children any favours, surely its good to learn that it is possible to have someone other than mummy or daddy looking after you occasionally?

If I'd dropped dead or gone into hospital DH would have looked after DS. And if I'd dropped dead or gone into hospital DS would have suffered hugely, irrespective of whether he'd spent the odd night away from me before. What relevance does that have to the question? You can't prepare a child for that kind of disaster. You might as well say not to bond with your baby, because you might die. Attachment theory does hold that babies can bond with more than one loving, consistent carer. But it also holds that the primary carer is of core importance in their life, and if the mother's instinct is not to be parted, why does that matter?

I don't get this. I don't get it when people slam women for having a night off from a new baby, either (Colleen Rooney had a battering from some here when she went out to a concert when her baby was about 6 weeks old). People are different, and there's nothing wrong with either instinct.

This OP is ridiculous.
She won't share, but is whining that her mil didn't give her stuff.

Go away silly woman!