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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting my 4 month old to stay overnight at my mother in laws

185 replies

Alisonjayjay · 28/09/2012 09:48

So since I was pregnant I've been feeling slightly annoyed as my mother in law has been getting all the baby equipment for her own house. She now has more baby stuff than we do. People have given her a moses basket, a swinging crib, a cot, a high chair, 2 bouncy chairs, safety gates, boxes and boxes of nappies, toys etc etc. the list goes on! We have gone out and paid a fortune for baby things while she has been given things for free which are immaculate. We could have made use of some of the things but she hasn't even asked if we wanted them. She knew we wanted a specific highchair which was quite expensive so we've had to save money and cutback in order to buy one. A few weeks before we bought the highchair someone gave her the exact same highchair which we wanted to buy but she's keeping it for herself, then last night my oh came home saying someone had given her a travel cot. I said 'for god sake she's got more baby things than we do' and he said well it'll be good for when the baby is staying overnight with her! He's 17 weks right now and exclusively breastfed. You should have seen the look on my oh face when I said he wouldn't be staying overnight, not when he's a baby. Yes maybe when he's a bit bigger and he wants to stay but not when he's so little. Am I being unreasonable? He's my baby and I don't want him staying out overnight. My oh said but what if we are going out. Firstly I don't plan on being out overnight and if I did need someone to look after him I'd want then to watch him at our house so he could sleep in his own bed. Yes he can stay with her for a few hours during the day but not overnight. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 28/09/2012 13:29

I am going to be a granny to daughters children and have son in laws Phew Wink

mummakaz · 28/09/2012 13:30

lol p.s mine stay other both gp's but mainly inlaws and they really love it. They would stay more often if they could

LilQueenie · 28/09/2012 13:30

well dont plonk me into the DIL is a bitch category...my case is off the wall. Im sure 99% of others have more normal MILs.

whathellcall · 28/09/2012 13:32

As can Grandparents who can't be arsed with gcs just cos they didn't have them to stay as tiny babies Hmm (as per Squeaky's post, and the other posters who agreed with her). It works both ways, some people on here seem to defend either side regardless of the circumstances. Some ILs/parents are overbearing, selfish and unreasonable, some DIL/SILs/children are overbearing, selfish and unreasonable. In this particular instance, I can't see why anyone would think the OP is unreasonable. No mother should be forced to spend a night apart from their small child if they don't want to, there is nothing unreasonable about this, and it doesn't prevent other people from developing meaningful bonds and relationships with the child.

brass · 28/09/2012 13:32

my only advice to new mums still finding their feet would be:

trust your instincts and don't be coerced into doing anything which you may resent and regret for years to come.

DinosaursOnASpaceship · 28/09/2012 13:32

With my dc, they are all a lot closer to their paternal grandparents than to my parents. Mainly because my mum still has young children herself doesn't have a typical grandparent role.

My older dc spend a lot of time with their dads mum, have sleep overs and bake etc.

Youngest dc is only 15 months old and sees his paternal grandmother several times a week, he doesn't sleep over as he is to young at the moment but im sure he will do at some point. He has a strong bond with her and his grandad who is Dcs favourite person in the world. He sees my mum 2 or 3 times a month it's not deliberate but he is a lot more reserved with her and won't run up for a hug etc.

They are both my ex-mils.

I make the effort as I have 3 soon to be 4 sons and the mil/dil threads on here horrify me!

Mrsjay · 28/09/2012 13:36

My mil was an over bearing loonGrinAND it took years to find a healthy balance but we got there eventually

perfectstorm · 28/09/2012 13:40

I wasn't happy leaving DS overnight until he was about 13 months old. Then he decided he wasn't happy to be left when he was 2. He sees lots of people and has plenty of independent time, but YANBU to feel unhappy with this. People's bonds with their babies differ - not in strength, but in expression. Nothing wrong with that at all.

Having said that, I don't think your MIL has an obligation to pass gifts made to her on. The Tripp Trapp, if that's the highchair you mean, lasts years and years - my DS is in it still at 4. (If it's a baby one, then yes she is being less than helpful, agreed.) But honestly, my MIL never gave a crap about my DS at all. DH predicted that (she is obsessed by him, to the point it irks him, but he always said it would not transfer to any baby we had) but I am sad that she has seen him twice since he was six months old. Last time when he was 10 months. And she huffs when we make suggestions as to day trips, because what she wants is to have my DH stay with her for several days, by himself. Sad

I suppose I'm saying to be careful what you wish for. Annoying as it must be, it's painful to know your son has a completely disinterested grandparent. Your MIL loves your baby like her own. A child can't have too much of that unless the person is toxic in some way, IMO. Thankfully my FIL is pretty doting, which helps a lot in terms of making my DS feel part of an extended family.

Raspberryandorangesorbet · 28/09/2012 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shesariver · 28/09/2012 13:56

I don't think anyone is claiming a child will be ?damaged? if they don't stay overnight at GPs! Its more a case of what the child and GP will get from it. Used to love staying at my Grans when I was wee.

Raspberryandorangesorbet · 28/09/2012 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FutureNannyOgg · 28/09/2012 14:00

A cot/ travel cot is convenient, a cot, travel cot, moses basket and crib is bonkers. Where does she keep it all? I don't have that many baby sleeping places, and I have 2 of my own, full time!

I don't think there is anything wrong with her having stuff, bit odd, but not wrong, if she isn't hassling you for an overnight. It does seem pointless though, your DC is going to be too big for a crib or moses basket before it is sensible to have an overnight (probably already too big?)

As for not giving it to you, it's a tough one, clearly you would make better use of it, but unless it was given to her to pass to you, you can't really expect it. So again, odd, but not wrong.

I have a 25 month old who has only been separated from me for 1 night, when I was in hospital after having his brother. I would have been OK from about 1 year, but he is not great at night (hard to get down, doesn't sleep through every night) so I wouldn't inflict him on anyone. He only has one grandma, DM, and I think my SIL trained her on boundaries Grin

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 28/09/2012 14:05

It rather overbearing op. Sounds like she and your dh fully expected the baby to be staying there a lot though so the different expectations is the problem.

Raspberryandorangesorbet · 28/09/2012 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DelhiCalling · 28/09/2012 14:08

Yanbu OP. If it is any consolation, I didn't want my MIL interfering when dc were born, she kept trying, similar to yours, but she only succeeded in winding me up and offending me. Years down the line, we still don't get on and thank goodness I rarely see her.

Stand firm now and don't let her bully you. With a bit of luck she will back off. Most of the people on here who scaremonger that you will need her one day and want her around are probably disgruntled MILs themselves ;)

In my experience your own friends and relatives are all you'll want in the future, not an interfering, nightmare MIL ;)

diddl · 28/09/2012 14:11

Well I guess it´s a family thing as well.

Neither of us stayed with our GPs so even had we lived near enough, I´m not sure it would have occurred to us to leave GC with GPs so that we could have a night off.

I agree that it´s handy not to have to keep carrying baby stuff around, but I´m sure it´s possible to feed a youngster on occasion without them being in a high chair & for them to nap somewhere other than a cot.

BeattieBow · 28/09/2012 14:17

I disagree that you are being pub about it. I've just had my 6th child (also 4 months) and I wouldn't let her go to GPs overnight either.

(although I might if she was bottle fed so that I could get a good nights sleep!)

agree the about of equipment sounds bonkers, particularly since you would have welcomed assistance getting that stuff yourself. But she is just excited, and in your place I would just nod and smile and grit your teeth while all the time having no intention of letting your baby stay there.

BeattieBow · 28/09/2012 14:17

gah! autocorrect, PFB not PUB

quietlysuggests · 28/09/2012 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elizaregina · 28/09/2012 14:28

What the call

"Jesus wept LilQueenie I feel really sorry for your MIL. You are happy for your ma to be practically a third parent, but pleased that your MIL has a shoddy relationship and barely sees your dc shock. How does your DP feel about it all. It sounds messed up to me. "

I really dont get the rationale that because the mum allows one DP to see the GC but doesnt the other thats somehow unfair.

your talking about two completly different people!

One may be nice the other not so.

just because they are both GP to same child doesnt give them equal staus.

brass · 28/09/2012 14:29

personally I wouldn't make excuses, I'd just say we're not ready and repeat ad infinitum.

you don't have to justify stuff like this and no one should be making you feel like you have to defend your choices when it comes to your child.

kate2boysandabump · 28/09/2012 14:33

I have 2 soon to be 3 sons and these threads make me very Sad What I have learned from them is that in the future no matter what I do as a MIL, it will be wrong.

My parents and parents in law both have loads of stuff for the ds's at their houses. It's great, it saves me the hassle of dragging my own stuff about the place. Maybe you should see it like that, a time saver rather than interfering. Also MIL hasn't mentioned having dc overnight your dh has, that's an issue you need to discuss with him. Travel cots are very hand for daytime naps for grumpy toddlers in the future.

My MIL is ace, I love her Grin but she doesn't always get it right, but I've learned that it's all coming from a good place and that if I tell her when she's getting it wrong, she'll do her best to put it right, instead of quietly seething about it. Maybe you could tell her how you feel, she won't know unless you tell her.

seeker · 28/09/2012 14:41

"In my experience your own friends and relatives are all you'll want in the future, not an interfering, nightmare MIL ;)"

Because of course a MiL is not a relative! Not related to your baby at all! not like your relatives!

DameFanny · 28/09/2012 14:42

We left ds for an overnight with mil (and ebm) very early on, and she had him a couple of afternoons after that.

That stopped when - for the second time - I found her changing him out of baby clothes she'd kept from her youngest daughter's babyhood.

My son is not a dress up doll, or a substitute for your otherwise loveless life.

And yes, she had the silver cross pram, the travel cot etc.

am I a nightmare dil?

LilQueenie · 28/09/2012 14:50

~No DameFanny you are not.