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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting my 4 month old to stay overnight at my mother in laws

185 replies

Alisonjayjay · 28/09/2012 09:48

So since I was pregnant I've been feeling slightly annoyed as my mother in law has been getting all the baby equipment for her own house. She now has more baby stuff than we do. People have given her a moses basket, a swinging crib, a cot, a high chair, 2 bouncy chairs, safety gates, boxes and boxes of nappies, toys etc etc. the list goes on! We have gone out and paid a fortune for baby things while she has been given things for free which are immaculate. We could have made use of some of the things but she hasn't even asked if we wanted them. She knew we wanted a specific highchair which was quite expensive so we've had to save money and cutback in order to buy one. A few weeks before we bought the highchair someone gave her the exact same highchair which we wanted to buy but she's keeping it for herself, then last night my oh came home saying someone had given her a travel cot. I said 'for god sake she's got more baby things than we do' and he said well it'll be good for when the baby is staying overnight with her! He's 17 weks right now and exclusively breastfed. You should have seen the look on my oh face when I said he wouldn't be staying overnight, not when he's a baby. Yes maybe when he's a bit bigger and he wants to stay but not when he's so little. Am I being unreasonable? He's my baby and I don't want him staying out overnight. My oh said but what if we are going out. Firstly I don't plan on being out overnight and if I did need someone to look after him I'd want then to watch him at our house so he could sleep in his own bed. Yes he can stay with her for a few hours during the day but not overnight. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly · 28/09/2012 10:48

Primafacie I read that as "the IKEA highchair rocks" i.e. isn't stable and rocks from side to side!

steppemum · 28/09/2012 10:48

I'm afraid I think you are being a little bit unreasonable.

Yes she is going over the top, yes she has been a bit thoughtless over baby stuff, when she could have passed stuff on.
but i think she is excited and wants to be part of her grandchilds life.
Look at all the threads on here about people sad that their parents/PIL aren't interested.
New babies do mean having to renegotiate the relationships, you have to tread carefully and find a way thorugh. You will have to set the boundaries because it is your baby.
My 3 were all fully breastfed, so I couldn't have left them over night. But from about 7 months I could have. My parents lived 6,000 miles away. I didn't have a babysitter I trusted. I don't have a MIL as my FIL is a widower. I would have given my right arm for an evening out with baby safe with someone who loved and cared for dc as much as gp do. Or even just one good nights sleep sometimes.

Grandparents are one of your great allies in parenting, especially if you hit a rough spot (sleepless nights, second pregnancy etc) Learning to let go and let your PIL be grandparents is part if the parenting process.

FWIW, she was given all this stuff second hand. You could have bought second hand stuff on ebay too.

relax, enjoy their enthusiasm. You can't leave baby yet anyway, so smile and nod, don't book a date.

squeakytoy · 28/09/2012 10:50

I read these type of threads, and I wonder why some posters are back a few years later moaning that the grandparents show little interest in their grandchildren and they dont seem to realise why.

It is hurtful and quite heartbreaking to know that your child has a child of their own that they do not want you to get to know, dont trust them with, and basically shove them out and make it clear that you dont want them involved, so dont be too surprised when you have got over the precious ITS "MY" BABY stage, and you are ready to share, that they have got on with their own lives and cant be arsed.

MistressIggi · 28/09/2012 10:56

Loving the idea that it is "our baby" not "my baby". Was "my baby" when I carried it for 9 months during a horrible pregnancy, my baby when I had to look after him in hospital straight after the section, my baby when I've got up 3 or 4 times with him every single night for the last 5 months...
I love having grandparents (from both sides) round and I want them to have a great relationship. But he is not a toy to be kept at their house!
Get your MIL one of those life doll thingys instead.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 28/09/2012 10:56

Yup, what steppemum said. YANBU to not want your baby to stay overnight at 4 months, just tread carefully.

She's gone OTT, but that may very well be because she's excited. This is a good thing.

Feminine · 28/09/2012 10:57

I agree squeaky

In this case , it sounds a bit too much though...I would have been the same.

op my children are bigger now though, and I would suggest that you take all the fuss she is making in good faith.

It really is a good thing you know Wink

whathellcall · 28/09/2012 11:05

So Squeaky do you think that it's acceptable for a Grandparent to show little interest in their grandchildren in later years just because they didn't get to have the child overnight as a baby when they wanted!! The OP doesn't sound like she's in any way trying to push the MIL out, she just doesn't want to be forcefully parted from her small baby overnight for no good reason!!! Grandparents do not have to be main carers (which is clearly what this MIL was gearing up to be) to have a great relationship with their grandchildren.

IShallPracticeMyCurtsey · 28/09/2012 11:05

Well she should have checked what stuff you needed for your own house first. And of course you can't leave your breastfed four month old overnight without you. But it is very handy to have a well stocked grandparental home, I will say that! My mil has loads of stuff but I'm delighted and grateful. Can you and your Dh and baby all go to spend the night together at hers, keep her happy? My parents and mil both live about 2 hours away so we do visit fairly regularly all together. It's nice. DD is 8mo and there is no way I'd let her stay overnight on her own without me/DP, though.

sue52 · 28/09/2012 11:06

YANBU. My DD and her Husband are ttc. If and when they have a baby, it would never occur to me to have such an array of baby stuff at my home. If I were to be given anything, it would be passed on to DD.
I think the eariest age we were away from our DD overnight was 18 months, 4 months is still tiny. If we needed to be away, I would have asked my DM to stay in my house.

Feminine · 28/09/2012 11:08

whatthe I'd say that Grandma is being clumsy, but she wants to bond.

I wouldn't have left my 4 month old either, I do understand.

But, I see squeaky's point, if they feel pushed out at the start, they will go back in to their shells.

Its tricky.

diddl · 28/09/2012 11:09

Babies/GC never have to stay over with any GPs-tis not compulsary!

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 28/09/2012 11:11

Nobody said it's acceptable, whathe. Just that it's understandable.

OP, has you MIL asked to have the baby overnight? Or is it just your partner who has suggested it?

It would be unfair of her to put too much pressure on you to leave your baby with her overnight, but a bit of gentle pressure from her shows that she cares about your wellbeing and happiness.

Mrsjay · 28/09/2012 11:11

I wouldn't have wanted my mum or MIl to have a baby at 4 months they are still getting up for night feeds well mine were and it is hard work having a baby over night yes it is a fine line though between IT IS MY BABY and sharing baby with Gp

whathellcall · 28/09/2012 11:13

She will bond, she's granny! She just needs to back off a bit. I just think the OP shouldn't be made to feel that there will be some kind of consequences if she doesn't do what MIL wants now. If the MIL isn't close to the child in future because she huffs for not getting her own way now it's her own fault.

Primafacie · 28/09/2012 11:17

Nowhere has it been mentioned that the MIL has asked for the baby to spend a night, or that the MIL "huffs for not getting her own way".

sue52 · 28/09/2012 11:19

Primafacie I think having invested in so much stuff, the MIL must have expectations that Baby will be staying over.

Mrsjay · 28/09/2012 11:21

Nobody said MIl would huff but she wouldn't buy the 'stuff' if she wasn't expecting baby to stay over A LOT, she is just an over excited granny thats all the OP doesn't want her baby staying over night so young,

whathellcall · 28/09/2012 11:22

Nobody said that that Prima. My post was in response to Squeaky who basically infered that the OP would be pushing the MIL out by not letting her have the baby on demand, and that MIL as a consequence wouldn't be arsed with the child when it's older.

"I read these type of threads, and I wonder why some posters are back a few years later moaning that the grandparents show little interest in their grandchildren and they dont seem to realise why.

It is hurtful and quite heartbreaking to know that your child has a child of their own that they do not want you to get to know, dont trust them with, and basically shove them out and make it clear that you dont want them involved, so dont be too surprised when you have got over the precious ITS "MY" BABY stage, and you are ready to share, that they have got on with their own lives and cant be arsed."

I think that this is a ridiculous point to make. If any GP "wasn't arsed" just because they didn't get to have the child overnight as a baby I would think that the child would be better off without them.

jkklpu · 28/09/2012 11:24

Have you actually asked your MIL if you could borrow any of the items she has? It's not exactly her fault if she's been given loads of things. And, from your OP, no one has actually suggested that your baby should be staying overnight at your MIL's house at the moment. Kids can be in travel cots to age 2 or so, and why would the assumption be that your child would be staying without you, if he were ever to stay the night? You don't say how far away she lives or how often you see her. When your ds is a wee bit older, you'll be glad she has some different toys at her house so you don't have to cart things over when you visit (not leaving him alone if you don't want to).

Life's too short to focus on this kind of thing. If the stuff could be useful to you, eg a bouncy chair, nappies, then you or your dp should ask her. Forget the highchair - you don't need one yet anyway, and, as someone else said, why spend loads when you do?

steppemum · 28/09/2012 11:25

No-one is suggesting that she should actually hand over baby to gp. Gp expectations are obviously a bit premature. But all of my dnieces and dnephews went to stay with granny from a very early age (one was 10 months) and they love going to granny's house, massive treat.

FWTW, I would want to gentle train Granny anyway, let them do things for dc at your house when you are there, then leave them for an hour, eventually babysit for an evening. That way you get to gauge what she is doing and if it fits with you. But that is all way down the road. baby is small and is ebf

steppemum · 28/09/2012 11:29

I've just remembered. When my dad heard he was going to be a grandad, he went into attic and started building a model trainset to play with his grandchildren with. ds now 9 has just been allowed to use the controls on it himself....
gp express their excitement sometimes by getting all ready. It is a way of showing they want to be involved.

LilQueenie · 28/09/2012 11:38

OP I had this problem with my mum. Thread may be around somewhere. my DD is 14 months now and has been staying overnight every two weeks for a few months now plus the ocaissional night once in while. They have a very close bond. DD is currently referring to her as "mum" which is a little annoying but she hears my sister and I calling her that so Im not upset by it. There are little things that bother me but on the whole Ive relaxed SOOOO much. There were arguments but DD now has her own cot there plus a highchair, and so much more. Actually I bought a lot of stuff for her when I got used to the idea. MIL no chance. barely sees her and seeing as the relationship (if you can call it that) is shoddy I prefer it that way. If you dont feel comfortable then dont do it. YANBU.

ksrwr · 28/09/2012 11:42

you are not being unreasonable. at all. you are being completely normal. dont even think about it, just think about you and the baby...

whathellcall · 28/09/2012 11:57

Jesus wept LilQueenie I feel really sorry for your MIL. You are happy for your ma to be practically a third parent, but pleased that your MIL has a shoddy relationship and barely sees your dc Shock. How does your DP feel about it all. It sounds messed up to me.

squeakytoy · 28/09/2012 11:58

It isnt specifically the overnight thing that I was referring to, it is the whole "it is my baby, not yours, you are only a grandparent" attitude that is prevalent on so many threads particularly when it is the mothers MIL who is being referred to.

I speak from the viewpoint of a grandparent too, so I know exactly how it feels to be made to feel in the wrong for showing enthusiasm. My DIL was so blatant with this towards my stepsons family, (me and his dad, his mother, (I am stepmum), yet her own mother was involved so much..

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