Not wanting my 4 month old to stay overnight at my mother in laws

[Alisonjayjay]

So since I was pregnant I've been feeling slightly annoyed as my mother in law has been getting all the baby equipment for her own house. She now has more baby stuff than we do. People have given her a moses basket, a swinging crib, a cot, a high chair, 2 bouncy chairs, safety gates, boxes and boxes of nappies, toys etc etc. the list goes on! We have gone out and paid a fortune for baby things while she has been given things for free which are immaculate. We could have made use of some of the things but she hasn't even asked if we wanted them. She knew we wanted a specific highchair which was quite expensive so we've had to save money and cutback in order to buy one. A few weeks before we bought the highchair someone gave her the exact same highchair which we wanted to buy but she's keeping it for herself, then last night my oh came home saying someone had given her a travel cot. I said 'for god sake she's got more baby things than we do' and he said well it'll be good for when the baby is staying overnight with her! He's 17 weks right now and exclusively breastfed. You should have seen the look on my oh face when I said he wouldn't be staying overnight, not when he's a baby. Yes maybe when he's a bit bigger and he wants to stay but not when he's so little. Am I being unreasonable? He's my baby and I don't want him staying out overnight. My oh said but what if we are going out. Firstly I don't plan on being out overnight and if I did need someone to look after him I'd want then to watch him at our house so he could sleep in his own bed. Yes he can stay with her for a few hours during the day but not overnight. Am I being unreasonable?

YANBU at all.

But squeaky grandparent is further removed than parent. That doesn't mean that there can't be bonding and a good relationship. I can see why you'd be upset if you felt you were treated very differently from the other grandparent/s or deliberately excluded, but I don't think that's the case with the OP.

I lost my mum the year before I had my first DS , but I know that I wouldn't have left DS with her overnight either. My MIL has never had him overnight, but when he was one I went back to work PT and she minds him 2 mornings a week, the other 3 he goes to nursery. They have a great relationship, he didn't need to stay overnight, or be left for any long periods at hers when he was a baby. She did hint she would have liked that, but I'm afraid I would've felt like a limb was missing. Some of us just can't do it.

Good grief whathe; couple of nights a month hardly makes Lil's mother a "third parent", does it?

I also get the impression that Lil's partner and his mother don't have the best of relationships - I think there's a word missing in her post.

Jenai She said the DD calls the Granny mum, that sounds pretty full on to me.

I don't think so; I think it's easy to read too much into that. The baby is only 14mos and she's just calling her grandma by what she thinks is her name; it'll be "gramma" or "nana" next week. And I bet Lil doesn't refer to herself as "mum"; mum and mummy (or whatever she calls herself) are different words.

whathellcall no not quite. My mum isnt a third parent but she has never missed a visit. (once a week) DP and I both want DD to have a relationship with her grandparents but my mum is the only consistent one and DD has really bonded with her. We are not going to stand in her way. Im not pleased I have a shoddy relationship with MIL but no effort has been made on her part. Ive asked DP to go bring her for a visit. (lives closer than my own mum btw) and its always met with some excuse from DP. then we get the guilt trip "I never see DGD" but the offer is there every week. I think DP has got as Pissed off with it as I have and now I have a dont care anymore attitude. There are a lot of other issues with MIL so its not that alone.

These threads do tend to show clear double standards - what would be ok with Mums parents is not ok with Dads parents. Fair enough there may be reasons some of the time, but a lot of the time its just because the woman is all "MY" baby, Im closer to MY Mum type thing...forgetting Dads feelings and relationship with his parents to. Reading stuff here like "granparents should know there place is horrible"!

Op yes shes excited and probably comes across a bit OTT - but can you honestly say if it was your Mum you would feel as strongly as you do? I dont see anything wrong at all with a GP having baby stuff at their house, my Mum did for DS1 and it didnt bother me at all. But I wasnt all precious over whose baby he was either, so that probably helped and thankfully he grew up to have a very special relationship indeed with his Nanny.

YANBU
I would definitely suggest setting boundaries early on.
My mil thinks if she keeps on i'll change my mind. Keep smiling

DD calls me mum or mama, My DP dada or dad or daddy. She called my mum nana until recently she has been calling her mum BUT she has also been saying MUM to my DP and calling everyone BALL! Its a phase. Im not at all worried.

Perhaps your MIL read the 1000s of threads on here posted by pissed off DILs not wanting to be given stacks of second hand crap by their ILs and wanting to choose their own stuff...

Is having a high chair and travel cot at the ILs so unusual? What happens if you go for sunday dinner over the next couple of years, where's the baby going to sit? What happens if you go for Christmas day, where's the baby going to nap?

Is it so bizarre that a few members of my family have these items in their homes in anticipation of grandchildren/great geandchildren coming to visit?

Floppywire I agree having a few bits and peices come in handy but when its EVERYTHING then its going a bit far. Especially with the first child. It can be scary for a first time parent.

I've got all ds's Brio in the attic ready for my grandchildren.

My one and only child isn't yet 12...

There is one good thing, when you do go over you won't have to take anything. Seriously our car used to be so loaded up on trips, and my MIL had a highchair and travel cot there for us to use.

From your posts I haven't seen anywhere that she has asked for her to stay overnight? Don't create an issue where it hasn't yet arisen (I wish I could take my own advice sometimes). My ILs got just as excited, got a moses basket that DH had used and had it redone, I didn't want to use it as I didn't think it was safe. They still get excited about things and go overboard, I have relaxed a lot about it though as DC love them.

I agree I wouldn't want to leave my DS overnight at 4 mo however he was fed but there may come a time when you would do so. We used to travel to see ILs, could make a day trip but overnight is easier, we would go out and see friends and ILs would babysit but we would be there for DS through the night and in the morning. Do what you feel comfortable with, and what your DC feel happy with but don't exclude her, she hasn't done anything wrong really.

BTW as another poster said, my DF also did the railway thing. I quite like playing with it.

It isnt specifically the overnight thing that I was referring to, it is the whole "it is my baby, not yours, you are only a grandparent" attitude that is prevalent on so many threads particularly when it is the mothers MIL who is being referred to.

I agree with you it is rife on here and other forums IT IS MY BABY MY RULES attitude that sometimes break down grand parent relationships

Be grateful she's interested is an odd response about a GP that has gone completely OTT.

Fwiw, there ARE GPs out there who don't realise they are not the children's parents. My mil signs all her cards to my dcs "love from mummy and daddy". I point out they are not mummy or daddy and she writes grandma and grandpa underneath. She does this to her dd's dcs too. She's crackers. .

Overall I agree with Squeaky.
I just don't get the whole you-can't-have-my-baby routine anyway, because four months in, I was dying for a night off, and had it not been for bfing, would gratefully have handed over to Granny who conveniently had all the gear set up at her house. As soon as I could though, I did.

I gip at all the MY BABY MY RULES people. It makes my eyes roll out of my head and along the floor.

I also find IT IS MY BABY a bit cos if you have a man in your life it is never OUR BABY is it ,

Paternal grandparents don't get quite the same look in as maternal ones. It works both ways - I'm sure I've read that GPs instinctively prefer grand kids from their daughters than sons (not deliberately) because they know that the kids must be related whereas there's always a chance they're not their sons' kids iyswim.

OP - my MIL has a high chair, cot, plates, toys etc etc. there's no expectation on her part that the kids will sleep over, it's their way of being hospitable and welcoming when we do visit. It's great as we can relax when we do go over. They do have six GC though.

3Dc i 17 months now & has never slept away from us before. 4 months is way too young.

Could your dh ask mil for the highchair?? Or, I have to recommend the best & cheapest highchair ever £15 from Ikea.

Right Pictish cos you couldn't wait to hand your baby over for the night means that anyone who doesn't want to is unreasonable .

When i'm world dictator, saying "my baby my rules" would be a capital offence. As would "happy mother, happy baby"

I don't think yabu in regards to the baby stuff, maybe people gave them to her to pass onto you and she didn't?

I think you are being a bit unreasonable with your baby not staying over your mil's. I don't mean when he is really young but I think he should be allowed to stay over every now and then. I loved staying over my gp's and I went from a young age. She will not be around forever and I really cherish those memories I have of mine

I have decided - I never want to be a MIL. DILs can be real b*tches

Me neither. I am going to brainwash ds into becoming a contemplative monk.

it's true, seeker - in my experience, babies are happy or unhappy however the mood takes them, and i could be dancing from the beams singing dixie, bt if she's upset, she'll cry.

I haven't yet figured out any rules.