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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting my 4 month old to stay overnight at my mother in laws

185 replies

Alisonjayjay · 28/09/2012 09:48

So since I was pregnant I've been feeling slightly annoyed as my mother in law has been getting all the baby equipment for her own house. She now has more baby stuff than we do. People have given her a moses basket, a swinging crib, a cot, a high chair, 2 bouncy chairs, safety gates, boxes and boxes of nappies, toys etc etc. the list goes on! We have gone out and paid a fortune for baby things while she has been given things for free which are immaculate. We could have made use of some of the things but she hasn't even asked if we wanted them. She knew we wanted a specific highchair which was quite expensive so we've had to save money and cutback in order to buy one. A few weeks before we bought the highchair someone gave her the exact same highchair which we wanted to buy but she's keeping it for herself, then last night my oh came home saying someone had given her a travel cot. I said 'for god sake she's got more baby things than we do' and he said well it'll be good for when the baby is staying overnight with her! He's 17 weks right now and exclusively breastfed. You should have seen the look on my oh face when I said he wouldn't be staying overnight, not when he's a baby. Yes maybe when he's a bit bigger and he wants to stay but not when he's so little. Am I being unreasonable? He's my baby and I don't want him staying out overnight. My oh said but what if we are going out. Firstly I don't plan on being out overnight and if I did need someone to look after him I'd want then to watch him at our house so he could sleep in his own bed. Yes he can stay with her for a few hours during the day but not overnight. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
diddl · 28/09/2012 22:23

Won´t share what?

brass · 28/09/2012 22:34

the 4 mnth old baby of course diddl!

you know you share them like toys.

orchidee · 28/09/2012 22:43

... Or like a game of pass the parcel Wink

pictish · 28/09/2012 22:44

Or like a much beloved grandchild even?

MistressIggi · 28/09/2012 22:46

Why does sharing mean overnight stays?

pictish · 28/09/2012 22:48

Why not? The breastfeeding asides...because obviously a bf baby cannot be away from its mother overnight...but otherwise, why not?

LilQueenie · 28/09/2012 22:50

Pictish are you close to your child or did you have bonding issues? I found it hard to bond with mine but couldnt have her without me overnight!

brass · 28/09/2012 22:51

cos the mother isn't ready. it really is that simple. and shouldn't be pushed into it. it really is that simple.

NonnoMum · 28/09/2012 22:56

Your 4 month old can stay overnight at your MiLs when her breasts can sustain your baby through the night...

And then you and your DP can clubbing, or whatever it is he wants to do of an evening...

pictish · 28/09/2012 22:56

Am I close to my children? No - I can't stand them, and it shows because when they were babies they occasionally stayed with a grandparent overnight. And still do!

Wtf are you on about?

catfart · 28/09/2012 22:57

She's exclusively breast feeding her baby.......which means the baby in all probability feeds at night ( if like mine, many times a night). So is she to stop that then??? Mine never took a bottle and it was no problem, Grandma can see the baby during the day....calling the OP selfish is ridiculous!

OP, come to the BF topics, I totally understand.

LilQueenie · 28/09/2012 23:01

Because mothers often cant stand the thought of their tiny baby away from them overnight whether they trust the grandparent or not.

adrastea · 28/09/2012 23:08

YANBU. My DS was breastfed and wouldn't take a bottle later anyway, so the first time he stayed away without me was when he weaned at 3. However I did used to go stay at my mum's house with him when he was younger, which worked out well as a compromise of her getting him staying and me getting a bit of a break.

LilQueenie · 28/09/2012 23:13

Adrastea I started off doing the same with staying overnight for a break/support when my partner was on nightshift.

pictish · 28/09/2012 23:14

I can't relate, because this particular mother was eternally grateful for a night off, and who better to facilitate that than granny?

I never agonised over my babies being away overnight because they were well taken care of, while I relaxed for once.

If the OP doesn't want to she doesn't have to, but she can also not complain about her mil not handing over her loot.

"No you may not have the baby overnight - and while you're at it, hand over that highchair!"

Confused
perfectstorm · 28/09/2012 23:15

Why not? The breastfeeding asides...because obviously a bf baby cannot be away from its mother overnight...but otherwise, why not?

Because not feeling as you do, and/or not parenting as you do, does not make someone wrong, and many women feel a strong need for their babies to be cared for by them, overnight. You didn't, and that's fine. Others do, and that's fine, too.

I will never understand why so many mothers are so aggressive when dealing with parents who do things differently.

perfectstorm · 28/09/2012 23:19

Agree she has no right to grumble about the baby items, though. I wouldn't think she did even if MIL did have the baby regularly at DIL request. Just not MIL's responsibility.

I remember when kitting out DS' nursery, how many forlorn ads there were from grandparents flogging total sets saying, "never used, as the baby never came to stay overnight until out of the cot." It did make me sad for them, but at the same time you had to wonder if their own babies went overnight very young? I think it's more the exception than the rule. And maybe asking the DD/DIL before forking out for a whole nursery would have been wiser.

perfectstorm · 28/09/2012 23:19

(On Ebay, I mean - listings for cots, change tables etc.)

JollyToddler · 28/09/2012 23:19

Ds has not stayed under a roof without at least one of us there yet. He is 17mo. It is perfectly reasonable to wait until he is bigger to do this.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 28/09/2012 23:20

YANBU at all. But I shall warn you about karma... Grin
I have always maintained that while I love my MIL and have no probs with her having DS1 (DS2 is a bit young yet) in the day, She has arthritis and I don't think she is capable to have him overnight...

So... I was dx'd with arthritis yesterday...

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 28/09/2012 23:22

However, I still stand by my argument! Grin

JollyToddler · 28/09/2012 23:25

Your MIL has the right to have him sometimes
Why? She has already had a baby.

My parents are very important to me and to Ds and see him lots, but that doesn't mean they have a 'right' to look after him overnight.

justbogoffnow · 28/09/2012 23:33

It sounds to me as though your dp has encouraged his mother in this and that's how this has started.

shittingit · 29/09/2012 00:24

YANBU

I have never understood the concept of handing a baby around like a new toy to everyone that wants it just so you don't come across as PFB or the argument that grandparents must have very small babies/toddlers overnight in order to bond with them and develop a good relationship.

I never left my DC alone with either set of GP's until I was comfortable, even now I am not completely comfortable leaving her with the IL's but thats mainly because my MIL refuses to accept that things that may have been perfectly acceptable 40 years ago (the last time she had a baby) may not be the most appropriate now.

Also, completely and utterly disagree that GP's have automatic rights to have any gc overnight by virtue of them being GP's.

WinkyWinkola · 29/09/2012 06:09

It's such bs about gp's having to have gcs overnight. I've never heard such cobblers.

Op, just do as you see fit. You are the parents and don't let anyone guilt trip you into 'their' way of doing things. Especially not on MN where 'my baby my rules' makes some people "gip" and roll their eyes simply because others don't fancy letting gps or anyone dictate to them how things are going to be wrt family relations and boundaries.

It's all down to to you finding how you are comfortable.

And not sleeping over at a gps house is hardly going to prevent a GP-GC relationship. What tosh.

The instant attacks on dils by MNers for not toeing the granny line is depressing. Some mils are utterly bonkers.

And just because you have sons does not mean you are in for a hard time. Perhaps behave like a normal, reasonable person with a life of your own and don't criticise or interfere with your grown up children then your relationship with your dil and gcs will be just fine.