to loathe the phrase "our own little family"?

[OttillieRidiculous]

They've started already. The ruddy Christmas threads. People wanting to spend Christmas with "our own little family" and sod the parents and ILs

Personally, I'd be devastated if DD didn't consider me part of her immediate family just because she'd married and had DC.

And those of you who only think of your DH/DP and your children as your "own little family" - do you think you'll be so blase about it when they've grown up and moved out of your home?

Come on now, be honest.

it's about the family you chose Vs the family you were lumped with innit?

It depends on the individual family dynamics, some blood relatives turn up the toxicity at christmas (Because there is something memorable to ruin I suppose) so are best avoided, noone is obliged to spend time with someone who they know will make them unhappy in the holidays!

If your family feel this way about you, it says more about you than them! they are just trying to make it pleasant. If they can't do that with you there you have to ask YOURSELF why! (although by the time they are grown with own children it might be too late to fix it!)

My parents thankfully understand that when you marry things become complicated. They're happy to see me and my brother anytime over the holidays that works for us all (plus mum was a nurse before retiring so often worked either xmas eve or day and we had to be flexible for that).

My parents would love to have me and my brother there on xmas day but does that mean we spend the day without my husband and his partner? Or do my DH and his GF come with us and then we leave their parents without their children? Why should my parents be more important than DH's parents?

We see all the family some time between the 24th and 30th December and thankfully all our family are good with that. Sometimes we get 25th to ourselves at home, sometimes not. I like it either way.

DHs aunt is having everyone for lunch the week before xmas, to swop gifts for the DCs. My BIL is having DHs DPs over for xmas day. SIL is coming to us as she is not speaking to BIL. My DF is celebrating by avoiding all his kids and grandkids at his friends' house, but will pop up to visit both of my sisters and their families. We are too far for him to come, so we will go to him on boxing day instead and get given all the scraps he has gathered up as a xmas parcel for the dogsfor lunch. My GM is going to one of my aunts, as she likes to go there. And my DB is coming up to stat for a few days post xmas with DF and bringing his family too. Eldest DN is away living in another country but she will Skype us all.

So DH and I are having SIL, our six cats, three dogs, and puppy for the main day itself. SIL is coming up around two, which leaves us the morning for walks and frantic tidying upand preparing the food, etc. I think we will have duck instead of turkey

I am a more the merrier - love big jolly Christmases feels abit pallid if theres only a few people there. That said we had the worst Christmas ever with the ILs the Christmas before last. Truly awful. DH and I popped the champagne when they said they werent coming this year (its officially their "turn"). If they were normal I would love to have them with my family but they are not so that will never happen

we have christmas with my husbands family, and boxing day with my family.

we share who does the christmas dinner, so we have 6 parents and 10 kids.
we all sit down to a massive four course dinner.

on boxing day we have a party as its my nieces birthday, and cake etc with christmas thrown on top!

OP - great thread!! i too have noticed that these threads have started already!

i can see both sides, if your parents/inlaws live hundreds of miles away and you have young kids and no room in your house, then YANBU at all to want to spend it in your own home with "your own little family" but an effort should be made to see eachother at some point over christmas/new year.

i think it all depends on the parents and inlaws situation. for example, my mum is on her own, she has a partner but he spends christmas with his brother and his brother's family in another city. my mum can't go due to work. she doesn't really have anyone else to spend it with, so there is no way on god's earth i am leaving the woman who gave me life on her own on christmas day. she comes with me, either out to lunch or to my home for lunch. she's my mum and i adore her.

MIL has FIL and BIL (he still lives with them) to spend the day with, so i don't feel guilty about not spending the whole day with them. but i would feel guilty if i didn't see them at all on christmas day (although this wouldn't happen, DH would never allow it, they are his parents and he would want to see them christmas day, plus i want to see them too), that wouldn't be fair, so we invite them for christmas breakfast and see them for a couple of hours that way.

if your parents and inlaws had alternative arrangements, going to friends, had extended family going to theirs etc... then it's perfectly reasonable to say "you know what, we are just going to have it on our own in our house this year with the kids, but you are of course welcome to call in for a visit if you want" personally, i don't think that's what christmas is about, i think you should celebrate with as many of your family and friends as you can over christmas, but each to their own.

Couldn't agree more OP, I love having Christmas with our whole family. DH and I have the only young children in our family, I could never exclude anyone from the celebrations. There is room for everyone including one of my neighbours who has nobody else to spend it with. It is always at our house though, but that is because we are in the middle of everyone and have more room.

The only people who dont come is the inlaws but they are not English and dont want to visit in the winter. They are here now and we will celebrate the Hindu festivals with them in October. All my family and neighbour will come for that too I imagine.

The only thing I dont do is treat people as guests. Everyone brings some food or drink and everyone helps with the clean up. If I had to look after everyone I think I would board up the door and windows!

I think most people would actually love to have big wider family christmasses.... its just that christmasses with all their family isn't actually lovely

Indeed Halloween. If my mother could for example not give voice to every little thought that matches through her head, spending time with her might be a little more enjoyable. And actually we have had her for Christmas for the last four years straight, and for about seven of the ten Christmases before that. But this year, we are on our own.

I will actively encourage my grown up dcs To do exactly as they please at Christmas. No guilt trips.

If I find myself alone at Christmas or just with DH, why then we will kick up our heels, drink champagne for breakfast and have a jolly nice time regardless. Every year.

Sometimes it's not about you and what you want with your grown ups dcs.

I've never used the phrase but DH and I have always spent Christmas day together on our own. My parents always did the same.
My parents live miles away and we would go and see them for a few days before returning to work. Now we have the DTs, it is only a little different as my parents now usually come to us after Boxing Day (they love doing their own thing in their own home) as they don't want us dragging the DTs half way up the country without their new toys since car space is limited.

We have never spent the festive period with DH's family as neither of us could stand BIL and simply because DH doesn't want to.

The only people who dont come is the inlaws

LOl - so it's not really your whole family you celebrate with is it? :)

IMO

My family = my family
In law = his family
Us plus children = our family.

Of course there is a wider family which encompasses everyone.

All irrelevant now, in my case, as all the inlaws are ex so it's just my family now as far as I'm concerned :)

YANBU, but you are also BU.

Lst year I was recovering from major surgery, and it was sheer bliss not having to spend the week between Xmas and new year travelling across the country and visiting everyone.

Tbh I usually feel as though the Xmas period is a stressful time that is spent doing things I'd rather not do. Also, by the third Xmas roast dinner I feel sick and wish I was curled up in my own living room with a glass of baileys where I can fart and pick my feet without being judged!

BIL dislikes me and he can't hide it. I rub him up the wrong way. I don't mean to , personality clash I suppose.
My other BIL is an abusive alcoholic, and although I do hide it to avoid making things worse for DH's sister, I dislike him strongly, and so does, understandably, my DH.
My parents don't talk to each other, at all, they haven't for over ten years.

So, a lovely big happy family day at Christmas with people bustling about would be my dream really. Nieces and nephews and grandparents and everyone having a nice dinner and a catch up.

But it'll just be "our own little family" instead, because I can't see how we could do anything else.
:(

That sounds pathetic probably but I really do wish that everyone could get on more, and it makes me sad on big occasions.

There is no way I could possibly spend christmas with my entire family, so I would call the household my "little" family.
As it is, we generally go to my mums, as do both sets of my grandparents. but my DH likes this plan as it means he gets the day off

But the entire family would mean not being able to visit my parents, because surely they want to visit their parents, and their siblings want to, and their siblings spouses want to see their family, IYSWIM....

So say me, DH and the DSs invite my parents, and his parents, his step mum, her sons, his brother, his nephew, bro in laws ex girlfriend and her family, my sisters, their partners and their families, all grandparents (and step grandparents), aunties, uncles,cousins. At some point someone has to miss out, unless I'm hosting the whole world for xmas?!

OP YABU, it totally depends on peoples' circumstances and what their family are like at Christmas. DH and I have a good relationship with both sides of the family but after last Christmas I vowed I was not doing the 'same old same old'.

I was pregnant. Spent Christmas Day with my DPs. DM was stressed and worried all day because of the fact my very frail 90-year-old GPs were coming over; my parents have a lot of caring responsibilities for them and her brother and sister don't help out much. My DSis caused a huge argument in the evening because she wanted to watch a different TV programme to the rest of us and there was a lot of swearing/door slamming. My DM was exhausted and tearful.

Boxing Day was spent at PILs, with DH's Older DSis and her DH, younger brother and sister, and GPs. As is always the case at Christmas, we ate a huge meal then they spent the rest of the day zonked in front of crap TV, barely speaking, which bores me to tears.

On the 27th I invited both sets of parents over for dinner. Made huge effort. DFIL was inexplicably in bad mood and spent most of evening in stony silence. My DSis had caused a row yet again because she and her DP weren't invited (we live in a flat and do not have the room to invite all siblings/DPs over let alone sit them at the table).

After that we both agreed that this year, we are not feeling obliged to do anything with family.