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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to loathe the phrase "our own little family"?

166 replies

OttillieRidiculous · 27/09/2012 21:34

They've started already. The ruddy Christmas threads. People wanting to spend Christmas with "our own little family" and sod the parents and ILs

Personally, I'd be devastated if DD didn't consider me part of her immediate family just because she'd married and had DC.

And those of you who only think of your DH/DP and your children as your "own little family" - do you think you'll be so blase about it when they've grown up and moved out of your home?

Come on now, be honest.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 27/09/2012 22:14

Well, we take it in turns to see my parents or DH's parents, we can't do both pratically due to them not living round the corner from each other. Since BIL met SIL, he's also taken it in turns with her family, but then for various reasons with SIL's complex family, BIL and SIL are on a rotation of 3 years with DH's parents - this means there are some years where PIL have just us, or just BIL/SIL and then both us and BIL/SIL there, and there has been one year so far where they've not had any of us. They are grown ups, they cope with this, go visit friends for drinks on christmas morning, have their meal around 4pm and then we all bundle along on Boxing day or the day after.

(My parents don't have this as DB's DP isn't from the UK so they always do Christmas with my parents whether we're there or not)

But what I'd really like is one year with no visitors, just eating food with us and DS and being our little unit. I felt this way before DS came along and would have loved to have Christmas with just us as a couple, I can't see that when I'm in my 60s I suddenly won't be able to cope with just being with DH on a special day whereas before DS came along the idea of spending a special day like Christmas just with him sounded great.

Really, when you are a couple, at what age is it unreasonable to consider your partner as a suitable person to have as company? Why is it 'selfish' to want to spend a day as just a couple when you're in your 20/30's but in your 50/60's suddenly you are to be pitied?

Obviously, parents who are completley on their own should make sure they have someone to spend Christmas with, but for happily married older people, why is their spouse not a suitable person to spend the day with?

ReindeersGoldenBollocks · 27/09/2012 22:14

My little family includes DH, DC's, And our parents (well just mine now DH's have passed). We are extending this to BIL as he has no other family and would extend it to my Sister if she wasn't a pain in the arse if she didn't always have other arrangements.

I know some people who do the 'little family' routine and exclude their parents, without reason. It's a shame as I've seen parents who are quite upset by the rejection of their adult DC's.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 27/09/2012 22:16

I am desperate this year to have Christmas with just me and DH.

IceBergJam · 27/09/2012 22:22

Had our family christmas last year. Open house from now on. 12 this year and I cant wait.

Unacceptable · 27/09/2012 22:22

As others have said 'our own family unit' only really comes into play when there has been conflict of some kind or when spending Christmas with parents and/or In Laws means travelling for miles or maybe being in the unenviable position of having to choose one family over another.

If you plan on being close by to DD OttillieRidiculous and are as considerate to her and her husbands wants and needs then it isn't something you'll need to worry about.

As a Parent I cherish Christmas, Birthdays and all other occasions (and non occasions for that matter) with my DC but know there will come a time when I am not the centre of their world and whatever they do will be up to them crosses fingers and hope they at the very least THINK about me sometimes

QuintessentialShadows · 27/09/2012 22:26

I have never spent Christmas with "my own little family".

(Actually, only once been away from my childhood home at Christmas, when we were in India for an extended period for work) To me, Christmas is a family thing.

We always visit my parents. (Much to my mils disappointment I should imagine Sad )

In the past we tried to do New Years with the Inlaws, but we dont any more. Too expensive.

I love Christmas. I love a traditional Norwegian Christmas, in my dads large ramshackle house, with the tree, the decorations, the food, my sister and her daughter. The snow. Oh yes, the snow! Building snow lanterns, playing out. Having fireworks for new years eve. It is magical, it is bliss, and our children loves it. Me, husband, 2 sons, my sister, and her daughter at my dads.

Not sure what to do this year, as MIL will not have any of her sons with her, but is expecting another grandchild on the 24th!

I hope my own sons will come spend Christmas with us. I guess it would be destiny's revenge on me, if BOTH sons opted to spend it with their partners family.

nokidshere · 27/09/2012 22:35

I have a huge family and I have my own family. We all know that we are all welcome at any house for any part of christmas/new year but we all tend to spend it with our own family groups. Mum used to to spend christmas with one of us but she and her dh tend to go away for christmas now.

I am the only one left (I have 5 sisters) who has young children and all my sisters tend to spend their christmas with their own grown up children/grandchildren. So we spend our Christmas at home which is where we prefer to be and MIL (who is 92 and lives next door to us) spends some of the day with us. (she cant cope with a full day)

We might be one huge family overall, but we are made up of 7 smaller family groups.

complexnumber · 27/09/2012 22:40

Being a pixie, I find your OP rather elitist.

Original poster
OttillieRidiculous · 27/09/2012 22:43

Why do you always leave your MIL out, Quint?

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 27/09/2012 23:31

Ottilie, it is not a deliberate choice that she is "left out", it is very sad. But dh and I live in London, Mil (a widow) lives in Poland and my parents in Norway. Bil always used to spend Christmas with her, and my sil (severely disabed, she has no language, cannot walk - doctors said children like her rarely live beyond their teens but she is in her thirties now!), but he has also moved to London and his dp is due on the 24th so travel not possible. I cant really not visit my parents, my father had a stroke 10 years ago, and is semi paralyzed in a wheelchair. He lives alone after my mum had to move into a care home nearly 2 years ago as her Alzheimer became too bad for her to live at home and be my dads carer.

It is a very sad situation where SIL is so unwell that Christmas is not really celebrated, and our children who would want "magic" would instead get a portion of VERY hard reality, and my father would not get any Christmas without me going up there to make it happen.

CailinDana · 27/09/2012 23:37

IMO Christmas is for children, so if there are children in the extended family, arrangements need to be made to suit them. Dragging children half way across the country to spend time with people who aren't kind to them, or who don't know them well, isn't fair.

Original poster
OttillieRidiculous · 28/09/2012 00:24

"Christmas is for children" grates as much as "my own little family".

OP posts:
SarahStratton · 28/09/2012 00:28

I only have 'my own little family'. I am actually very happy about that, and will continue to call it 'my own little family'.

This Christmas will be spent with my own little family.

Startailoforangeandgold · 28/09/2012 00:34

Stupid phrase, but having been carted 3hrs away to my grandparents every year. I do understand the feeling.

Since the DDs arrived my parents come here (DHs are unfortunately no longer with us).

It's the only time they stay. So huge amounts of cleaning (I'm a slatted normally) and DD2 gets tossed out her room which she hates more as she gets older.

I confess it was lovely the year they got snowed inBlush

BustersOfDoom · 28/09/2012 00:42

What Stratters said.

YABU. There is nothing worse than Grandparents trying to force their adult children to recreate the Christmases of their childhood when parents and children would much rather stay at home and create their own Christmas traditions.

I was ten before I got to spend Christmas Day at home and as much as I loved my GPs I really didn't want to have to spend three days at their house, sleeping in a spare bed, watching tv that they wanted to watch and only being able to play with my toys/presents at certain times. Thank God my DM put her foot down when she did. She might not have been as good a cook as my GM but I loved having Christmas in my own home. And my GPs came to us after that. No one was left out, everyone was welcome. Only the venue changed.

piprabbit · 28/09/2012 00:47

I fantasise about having a Christmas at home with my DH and DCs. Not every year, but just once in a blue moon.

The moment we expand Christmas to include anyone else, it means my parents and my MIL. But they also want to see their other children on Christmas Day, so that means BIL and his wife (who will judge me) plus my DSis and her DP and possibly her DP's children. Oh, and my SIL will want to go to her parents a couple of hours drive away...so can we have lunch at 4pm (Yep - that'll work with a 4yo who's been up since 5am). And nobody wants to drive, because they'll have to be sober. And my DM and DMIL maintain a frosty politeness which is not exactly restful. Negotiations start in August and there is never a satisfactory solution.

I used to love Christmas until I had my DCs - now it is just a nightmare.

BustersOfDoom · 28/09/2012 01:06

See I am evil. If I had that to deal with piprabbit I would just ring them on Christmas Eve morning and tell them we had all come down with some horrible vomiting/shits virus and tell them we were out of circulation and to stay away.

I thought negotiations would be difficult about what we did at Christmas with DS when he was little - after we'd alternated visits for a couple of years - but both my parents and DP's DM accepted that we were staying at home and they spent the day with other family members.

It's really not hard to say "We're staying at home this year and we'd like to spend the day on our own as a family. We'll see you on Christmas Eve/Boxing Day." Try it and just keep repeating it.

Wetthemogwai · 28/09/2012 01:35

As its just me and dd (only 18mo so only has one Xmas under her belt) we go to my parents, her dad will at some point kick off but while she's too young to decide she will stay with me for Xmas. She has an Xmas with him and his mum a some point after Xmas which works out for all of us.

I think (as this Xmas we will be back living with my parents) when we are living in our own home again but closer to them (as a posed to now) we will wake up at our house on Xmas morning and do stockings and Xmas breakfast then to over to my mums and do presents and dinner there. I quite like the thought of that, that way we get the best of both worlds and we can have our own little special time together then a lovely family day with my parents and my brother.

Oooo I'm tearing up just thinking about it how pathetic! Something warm and fuzzy to look forward to Smile

LRDtheFeministDragon · 28/09/2012 06:52

OP, you're judging without knowing, I think.

I spend Christmas with DH, just ourselves. We don't have children and one of my parents has a birthday that day too - so you probably think we are horribly selfish. But you know what happens when we spend it with my parents? They get stressed, angry, feel they have constantly to cook and shower us with presents, and cope with my DH's weird dietary requirements. It is Not Fun.

I love having a quiet Christmas, where we can do things our way. Then we all get together on Boxing Day and have a big family party, get the big table out and have all of us there. I don't know why the atmosphere is so much better, but somehow it takes all the stress out of the idea of a 'big Christmas meal' for everyone.

It does help that my parents have been telling all of us since we were about 18 how important they think it is that we shouldn't feel we have to keep coming to theirs, and how we need to develop our own little traditions. They felt really pushed by their parents not to do this.

I am now really looking forward to when I have a big enough house to have them over for Boxing Day!

MrsKeithRichards · 28/09/2012 06:54

One of the parts I've enjoyed the most since getting married and having kids is the merging of those two sets of traditions.

It isn't physically possible to please everyone. I'm one of 4 siblings all with partners and kids on their own. Sure we could all go to my mums but there's 4 other families bereft of their offspring and grandchildren for the day. One of my sister's husbands are an only child and she feels awful leaving them almond

MrsKeithRichards · 28/09/2012 06:57

Almond?

Alone.

It's such a juggle and we're lucky, we all live within 30 minutes of each other and we all get on but sometimes, just sometimes, it's nice to put a stop to the madness and say no to all the invites and to stop thinking about how you can fit it all in and spend it with just your own little family.

honeytea · 28/09/2012 07:06

YANBU

I was really upset last year when my grandparents were not invited to my mum's for christmas, my mum wanted it just their own little family (most of us are adults some with kids of our own but that didn't matter aparently)

The way I feel is that my grandparents did christmas for us all for years, we'd arive at their house and stay for 2 or 3 weeks. We had the most amazing chrstmasses with them and I feel like now we can't just decide we don't want them for christmas.

The compromise was that I went to my grandparents in the morning and then back to my mums for dinner, mother wasn't happy, but if you exclude people don't expect "your own little family" to have loyalty to you.

5dcsinneedofacleaner · 28/09/2012 07:14

We always invite anyone who wants to come - tbh a christmas with your "own little family" is just a normal day surely. I spend every day with dh and dcs!

Goldenjubilee10 · 28/09/2012 07:15

This is the first christmas ever that we will be "just our own little family" as, with the passing of my darling Mum earlier this year, this is all we have left. Sad. However I am sure, hard as it will be, the wonderful memories will see us through. (That's me in tears now - better hit the shower).

FellatioNelson · 28/09/2012 07:19

I agree with you OP. Completely agree with you. I don't think it's necessary to spend each Christmas with twelve aunties who wind you up and 19 cousins you hate, but to refuse to see anyone is just mean spirited. (unless of course you actually don't speak to them at all the rest of the year either.)