to loathe the phrase "our own little family"?

[OttillieRidiculous]

They've started already. The ruddy Christmas threads. People wanting to spend Christmas with "our own little family" and sod the parents and ILs

Personally, I'd be devastated if DD didn't consider me part of her immediate family just because she'd married and had DC.

And those of you who only think of your DH/DP and your children as your "own little family" - do you think you'll be so blase about it when they've grown up and moved out of your home?

Come on now, be honest.

Oh, golden. I'm so sorry to hear that.

DH, DD and I and I spend most Christmas days just the three of us but it's out of necessity rather than choice. My parents are dead, DH's parents divorced. Step MIL insists they spend Xmas Day with her parents (every year). MIL has to spread herself around her extended family.

I have a brother but his wife has insisted they spend every Xmas Day for the past 18 years hosting her parents (who have other offspring they could spend it with).

We always make Christmas Eve and Christmas Day magical for our DD and have a lot of fun together but it would be nice to have the option not to be "our own little family".

My dad is a toxic alcoholic, my mum has been dead for many years.

DH and the children are my family, so YABU. We will see the ILs on Boxing Day as is our tradition.

Op yabvu. Let ppl spend xmas etc with whomever they wish. I wouldn't expect my adult dc (one day) to alwsys include me in their own family plans.

I have no problem having my parents here for Xmas but it never ends at just my parents!

If I invite them we will then be asked if it would be Ok for Grandad to come if he isn't going to my Aunt's.

Then we get a call a week before from my (single) brother to say can he come too.

Then my sister who always leaves things to the last minute will invite herself and her husband too!

The last time we had them all over was the first Xmas after our first DC arrived.

I went to bed in tears because I hadn't even been able to see my DC play with his presents as I had spent the whole day cooking and providing endless cups of tea.

No one ever offers any help with buying or preparing food.

We now have my inlaws over for Xmas eve and my family on Boxing day and spend Xmas day with "our own little family"

I'm with you OP, my mum and dad are very much part of my family, and I wouldn't want to spend Christmas without them. My in-laws are very much part of our family too, but they don't celebrate Christmas so we always do it with my parents. DSis alternates between our parents and her PIL. I don't think it would occur to any of us to just do it within the nuclear family.

I hope that we'll be allowed to be as much a part of dd's life when she is older as our parents are part of ours. I can't bear to think that we might not be welcome.:( At the moment, though, when she talks about her family, she means it in a very inclusive sense, so I can only hope that it stays that way.

I don't think choosing who you spend Xmas with is necessarily a reflection of your family relationship.

Sometimes people need to work over Xmas, so can't shlep around the country to see relatives. Sometimes logistics defeat any kind of bigger arrangement (we have 10 nieces and nephews - just having the kids over would be too much for our flat!). Sometimes Xmas is the only time of the year people get to kick back and relax and spend more than two days in a row with their children.

Lots of reasons why people might say, "sorry mum, we're having Xmas day to ourselves this year but will make sure we see you at some point over the festive season" without it being a slur on the relationship.

Besides, in the same way that my parents don't kick up with me when our Xmas plans don't involve us being with them on Xmas Day (because they raised us to become independent adults), I hope to do the same with our two.

My mum gave me two pieces of advice when DH and I got married. One was never to get into the alternate Xmas pattern (ie one with them, one with DH's family, one with them etc). We never have done this (even though every year we tell DH's mum that we don't do that, she still talks about "her turn"), and it is brilliant. It means what we do for Xmas is genuine choice based on various factors each year. I hope our children do the same when they are grown ups too.

Yes, because using that phrase really means you don't care about your wider family

I don't see the problem with the phrase. Don't you talk about children growing up and starting a 'family of their own'? Doesn't mean they don't consider their parents to be related to them any more .

Also who someone wants to or doesn't want to spend Christmas day with is a separate issue IMO.

OP I am sorry you don't get to see as much of family at Xmas as you would like. A lot of times it is logistics - if everyone lived just round the corner and still didnt pop in, it would be a bit different but lots of people don't have space for people to stay over or even for more people at the table. If we wanted to "host" Xmas we'd have to eat at a pub or restaurant and people would have to stay at a hotel!

I still feel like my mum, dad and brothers are my family. My kids are my family too, but I do think some posters are heartless the way they cut out parents and inlaws. And my relationship with my mum is NOT perfect.

I hate the phrase "our own little family" and would Never use it, just as I don't call dd my little princess and dh "babes".

however, we have always spent Xmas Day here on our own, visiting friends for drinks at lunchtime, then back for anything except atraditional Xmas dinner.

My dad was alive till dd1 was 5, but lived 250 miles away. He always went to my brother's for the day..l.would never have travelled to us.
Dh is from a huge family-9 children- and his mother would try and recreate this family xmas day which I only went to once, pre dcs.

It was hell. Dh had no relationship with his parents, lunch was served in about 3 minutes, and it was so stressful, with bickering and underlying issues simmering.

We visited them on Boxing Day after that which was enough.
There's just PIL know, who spends the day with his eldest daughter who lives nearby.

I am always agog at the "where shall we spend Xmas threads" on MN.....why put yourself through misery at a time which is supposed to be fun?

Why trek across the contry (or world) laden with the kitchen sink if you know it's going to be awful?

I think you are simply illustrating the truism that parents typically love children more than those children will ever love them.

My Mums rule is one that I have also followed......once you have children christmas is at home your home.

Boxing day is for visiting but only if you want to.

Grannies etc welcome to stay. but absolutely no travelling for the children.

I can't imagine enjoying Christmas while anyone felt left out, or was sitting at home sad they weren't with us. However, I suppose it depends on your relationship - I guess it is possible for it to be seen differently from each side.

My brother asked my dad in November one year if he would like to come for Christmas lunch...dad very rudely said no.
Not "thankyou very much, but I think I'll stay at home" but a very resounding no.

On Christmas Eve, he rang my brother and said he'd changed his mind.

Db said " tough, we're going to friends for lunch"

Dad ended up with a Fray Bentos pie for Christmas dinner.
He NEVER did that again.

I agree that Christmas isn't "for the children" - it's also a religious festival - but as the majority of people don't see it that way, then the 'its for the kids' attitude makes more sense.

I remember as a child Christmas not being much fun because we'd open pressies, then have to get ready to go to Church (which to be fair, I always enjoyed on Christmas day) then just as we'd got back and started playing with our new toys we'd have to get in the car and go to my grandmother's house (always my mum's mum, she felt that DDs should go to their Parents and so what if mum's MIL only had sons? Thankfully, my uncle spent Christmas with other granny). Then there'd be a long wait for the meal, so we'd fill up on crisps and snacks, then not want it, we'd have to sit for what felt like hours while all the grown ups enjoyed endless courses. TV on Christmas day was 'common' so banned even if there was a great film on, however the evening tended to be rather fun as we'd play 'palour games' with cousins, but we normally had to go home relatively early as we were exhausted.

Boxing day was the fun day, the day we actually looked forward too - we'd get up and play with our new toys in our PJs and eat bacon sarnies (only time of year we were allowed to eat breakfast in the living room), then get changed about 11 when my dad went to fetch his mum, we'd have meal close to a normal sunday roast, it would far shorter (as no one would want a huge feast), we'd then play with our toys /watch what was on the TV.

The best year was the year my mum's mum fell out with my aunt and uncle so wasn't seeing them at Christmas, so she came to us instead, Mum and Dad were able to enforce their relaxed 'children focussed' christmas - my Nana was rather 'cats bum' about it all (not a posh meal, TV on if we wanted it, lots of toys all over the living room).

so while it was good for my Grandmother to have us all there, it meant that christmas day was (all but one year) a bit crap throughout my childhood and my parents weren't able to do the Christmas they wanted or build their own traditions. If they'd insisted on their own unit one year, I bet we'd have had a lot more fun.

oh, typing htat out, I've realised why I now as an adult always find Boxing day such a let down! That was the fun magical day as a child. It seems so dull as a grown up!

I'm in the enviable position that mum and MIL have both made it clear that if we want an "own little family" Christmas they won't be put out. As it is we go and see one set of parents for Christmas and the other for Boxing Day. TBH I don't really have any "own little family" fantasies, we do that on Christmas Eve and then Christmas Day is about seeing grandparents and Aunts and Uncles. They both live about an hour away. This might change as the DC get older I suppose but at the moment, everyone prefers this.

(((hugs))) to you, Golden - you'll make wonderful Christmases for you and your family, I'm sure.

I can only talk for me, but it has taken a long time for me to get my Christmas mojo back after losing my own mum; she brought me up alone so we spent many Christmases just me and her. Later it was me, her and friends (who I count as family now, anyway). Either way she was central at that time of year.

I want you to know however that even if sometimes my heart wasn't entirely in it, ds has still had brilliant Christmases. Toast your mum, think of her as you balls up make the stuffing but try to think of the lovely times you had with her. x

My parents say it to me. 'Wouldn't it be nice for you to spend Christmas with your own little family Psammead?'

I refuse to take the hint.

PSamm, yes it occurred to me as I was typing ti that it may be a hint . But mum feels she spent Christmas when I was young trekking about so I suppose wants me to feel under no obligation. MIL is just laid back.

YANBU to hate the phrase.

Having said that 'my little family' (sorry!) is the one I have chosen, created and nurtured. My blood family (and DP's family) are not ones we would have chosen!

The whole dynamic of celebrations change when they are involved- at least when it's just us we can almost guarantee a positive time.

I wonder if you are my sister, infinity? Sounds just like my parents.

Desperate to get there this year despite the fact that we'll have a 2 month old. And have to fly.