to loathe the phrase "our own little family"?

[OttillieRidiculous]

They've started already. The ruddy Christmas threads. People wanting to spend Christmas with "our own little family" and sod the parents and ILs

Personally, I'd be devastated if DD didn't consider me part of her immediate family just because she'd married and had DC.

And those of you who only think of your DH/DP and your children as your "own little family" - do you think you'll be so blase about it when they've grown up and moved out of your home?

Come on now, be honest.

YANBU. Fine to choose to spend Christmas at home with your immediate family but all you need to do is say "We're at home for Christmas this year without visitors over Christmas itself, but would you like to visit us on X date?" No need for twee "own little family" comments.

Sorry Ottllie but I think YABU too. I'm spending Christmas with 'my own little family' because I want DS to have a happy Christmas, and Xmas with my family always involves a mixture of active alcoholics on a bender, passive aggressive guilt tactics and then a big family row once everything boils over (usually just after Christmas dinner...). But I've copped a load of guilt from my family for it already, and it's only September! 'Oh well, it will be a sad Christmas for us, but I suppose you'll do what suits you'. It's a sad Christmas for them every year, whether we go or not.

But we're having a happy Christmas. With "our own little family". And yes, when DS grows up and moves out I hope he spends Christmas in a way that makes him happy. The thought of spending Christmas with just my DH, snuggled under the covers, opening presents together, maybe even going away for Christmas - I love that idea!

My ILs decided to spend Xmas alone last year, and said 'Look, we love seeing the kids, but please can we have Xmas just the two of us this year, and bring them for New Year or something?' And they spent the day on the sofa cuddling and watching movies and drinking champagne like a pair of lovebirds. (They're in their 70s). They've decided to do it again this year. I think they are utterly brilliant.

I would love to think of my family as bigger, and have a large get together at Xmas, I get a bit and :( when I read about huge Xmas gatherings tbh, but it is not going to happen in my family. I only hope that we can start a new, happy family ourselves for future generations of Fuzzpigs :)

My Mum refers to my family as 'your little family' , as if it's somehow not really a proper family..or like I'm still a silly little girlie playing house with dollies. I am 45, I work full time, I have been married 12 years, my kids are 9 and 7, I run a household. It drives me mad. I still don't think she takes me seriously. I do love her, and I am grateful for the help she gives me picking kids up fromschool once a week. however.... grrrrr

We had our first Christmas just us and dcs last year after going to ils for the previous 4 years. This year we will do it again. The reason being that mil has her way of doing things that isn't really compatible with small children eg having lunch at half 4 but no presents until after and no tv allowed so no Xmas films or dads army etc and frankly now that they are old enough to "get" Christmas the dcs would be bored stiff at her house. They want to get up and open their presents and eat when they're hungry (dh and I aren't really into the Xmas dinner thing so I just roast a chicken on Xmas eve and then eat it cold with other picky bits instead) and watch tv if they want to. My parents are 000's miles away (they emigrated) so we'll Skype them and they will see the present opening etc but obviously we won't see them in person. Mil doesn't mind us staying home as it means she can have a glass of wine with her food as she won't have to take us home and its easier for dh who has worked Xmas night and new years for years so he doesn't have to rush when mil takes her time to drop us home. Yabu everyone has a different situation wrt family and its their choice and their business what they do at Christmas.

another thing I don't get with regular family Christmas trauma threads on here - when people have to travel across the country to visit each other at Christmas, why the younger people who are working have to be the ones to travel - this year Christmas eve is on a Monday, most people will have to work at least until lunchtime or take a day's annual leave to leave early, or get home around 2 and then get in the massive traffic jams to join family at the other end of the country - it never seems to be the grandparents (who are typically retired, or if working don't have to make their holiday allowance cover school holidays) who would be able to travel first thing, or the day before aren't the ones to make the journey.

YABU.

Both mine and DH's parents are divorced and remarried. Neither ex-couples will sit in the same room as each other. So what - we are on a 5 year rotation of when we get a Christmas day to ourselves? I don't even like Christmas that much - as in, I don't get all jolly and excited about it! It's become about expectation, calling dibs, getting in first with requests and pure obligation.

I love my parents dearly; I love my in-laws dearly. But come Christmas, when they ask us what we're doing - it's not about us, it's about them. Parent X getting in there first with the arrangements. My mum asked me in June, for god's sake.

Mostly at Christmas I just want to be left alone. It's not a day I get overly-excited about, I don't feel that Christmas feeling. I've made a lot of effort in years passed to make other people happy. What about what I want? This Christmas, our first baby will be 2 and half months old. DH, because he is self-employed, will probably see them one/two hours a day and only have two or three days off over Christmas. Are any of them going to understand those are two or three very precious days to be alone with his child and wife? Unlikely.

I hear a lot about grown up children being selfish but grandparents rarely understand when they are being selfish.

The bit I don't get, is if you want xmas with just the people who live in your house, how is it really any different from any other sunday (or whatever family day you spend together)? Eat dinner, watch a film, play with toys...you can do that anytime.
For me its all about squashing into MIL's house with hordes of inlaws, kids everywhere, a few strays with nowhere to go, lots of food and booze and party games and fun.

None of my business is the former is what you want, just saying I don't get it, personally.

Orenishii My mum asked me in June, for god's sake.

So did mine, so did mine And then every day and when I said 'We haven't made our plans for Christmas yet' (which we hadn't! It wasn't that we'd decided not to go to theirs, it was just that it was fecking JUNE!!!). And then at the beginning of September she started saying 'Well SINCE you're CLEARLY NOT coming to us for Christmas it will be a sad time for us but you go ahead and have a good time...'

Do you know what, we bloody well will.

I kind of feel the same mrsunshine, some Xmases can be just a bit like Sunday with presents. But for us it is still better than the alternative. We usually spend a day around Xmas with my family but it is often quite miserable.

This year we are planning to invite my college friend and his mum (who is also a dear friend, I used to spend a lot of time with her before we moved away). They spend Xmas on their own and don't really enjoy it.

Sunday with presents

Exactly, fuzz.

YABU

It gets right on my wick that I can't do what I want at Christmas for a change. It's all about other people and making arrangements around them and I don't feel it's fair. For once, I'd love to have a year off doing something that I enjoy just me, dh and the dcs.

Christmast is just about shite obligation and nothing else. I work hard all year round and never get my own way at this time of year.

Ah well, last year we took the 'its just another day' approach as mentioned upthread, and so we did the dutiful thing and went to the ILs.

My 82yo widowed mum couldnt come with us (not enough room in the car and she is in a lot of pain so gets v uncomfortable) which meant I felt guilty about leaving her alone (although she said she was ok about it).

The day was a disaster. FIL got cross because I made a comment about the tree; SIL was 2 hours late; the turkey was undercooked - despite the 2 hours lateness; I was driving so couldnt drink; our DDs and their 2 cousins couldnt find anything to talk to each other about; the cousins got more presents and more expensive presents from PIL than our 2; and DH took refuge in the bottle.

We finally got home about 8pm on Christmas night and the first thing me and the girls said as we got through the door was 'never again' - DH agreed. So that's it for now, we are staying here, Mum can come round for the day (which suits her) and ILs are welcome to visit as and when they choose.

Apologies for repeating myself as I've posted this before but my mum's contribution to our boxing day festivities last year was to bring the lost property box from her work and dish out the contents. To be fair she had taken the trouble to wash the gloves and scarves first

I love Xmas, but I hate it for the many years' worth of crap memories it unearths.

Oh fuzzpig - I hadn't read that before. Talk about 'bah humbug'! I hope you reciprocated by giving her two pieces of coal...

Has anyone noticed the even split on this thread? Half of people saying 'No I'm not going, I've had enough of passive aggressive guilt tactics' and half of people saying 'you're right, I'm going, love spending time with my extended family'. So the moral of this story is.... If we are totally chilled about whether our DCs return to us for Xmas when they've grown up, don't put them under any pressure and make plans to enjoy Xmas whether they come or not, then they are far more likely to want to come. And if we are, as in the OP 'devastated' that our DCs consider their spouse and children to be a family unit on Christmas day - then they'll be far LESS likely to come and visit us.

Also, different members of the family have different 'traditions' that can clash, and that's never fun. For example, I HATE turkey. hate it. I never eat it at any other time of year, so why would i eat it at christmas? Growing up, we had different things to eat at christmas, and it was never a big deal. Also, We would tend to eat quite late, around 5pm. But again, this varied. If people wanted to pop over, they did, if they didn't, they didn't and no one took offence.

Fast forward to me being all grown up and shacking up with DP. He like me, very laid back about christmas 'traditions'. His family on the other hand, totally different story. You HAVE to have turkey, dinner MUST be served at 3pm, sprouts MUST be cooked until they have turned grey. And there is no room for compromise. It stresses everyone out, not least DMIL who is the one who insists on doing it this way.

I'd like to make some of my/DP own 'traditions', esp when we have children. Quite frankly, having to tow the family line is exhausting. I think everyone just need to relax and have a .

I have started another thread about this in the Christmas topic :o

Yabu, and you sound bitter, entitled, and not much fun to be with. Maybe that's why you're not invited for Xmas? Or maybe they want to spend the day with their family unit, just parents and children - that's quite reasonable imo.

Who are you talking to, RightBugger ? If its the OP, you seem confused at best

When my kids are married with their own kids I would expect them to prioritise their spouse and kids.
I'm sure I'd love to send some xmases with them but will not suddenly turn into a whiny old lady and my husband and I should be happy with our own company or seeing friends. When your kids move away the relationship does become more distant and you are more "extended family" rather than "nuclear family".
Some adults get ridiculously manipulative about xmas.

My parents were SO good at being hands-off when I moved away and set my own life up etc that I at times ended up running after them for attention. It really works. They had colossal guilt-tripping from their mothers about faaaamily and were determined not to repeat it.

Sunday with presents Yeah, lovely! Sounds good to me. I like Sundays, and presents can only improve things.

Although I am quite looking forward to my first Christmas with just me and dh, in a couple of decades when we've finally thrown all the kids out of the nest. We can have a lie-in on Christmas Day, that will be bliss.

My mum always believed that children should spend christmas in their own home so when XP and I moved into our own home she made it clear that that's what we should do. She used to come down and see us either Boxing Day or the day after.

Spending every christmas day with your own family is unrealistic, especially when dc come along. Sure you could invite both sets of parents but what about siblings? Do they come too so they can see their parents? If siblings are married/in a relationship do their spouses/partners invite their parents/siblings too?

If everybody demanded to see their children on every christmas day then it could get very complicated