to loathe the phrase "our own little family"?

[OttillieRidiculous]

They've started already. The ruddy Christmas threads. People wanting to spend Christmas with "our own little family" and sod the parents and ILs

Personally, I'd be devastated if DD didn't consider me part of her immediate family just because she'd married and had DC.

And those of you who only think of your DH/DP and your children as your "own little family" - do you think you'll be so blase about it when they've grown up and moved out of your home?

Come on now, be honest.

Yoghurty how did you choose your kids? I thought you just had to keep the ones you gave birth to.

I feel a bit like you OP but I think most of the posters who exclude parents usually have a bad relationship with them anyway.

Since my DH and I have been together (about 20 years) both our mums have been alone so there would be no question of leaving them out even if they do drive me mad.

Psam

I hate the phrase but not the sentiment. What's wrong with the occasional Christmas as just a nuclear unit??? Family get togethers on my side are usually somewhat traumatic due to "ishoos" my parents and sibs won't deal with (I've had years of therapy), and family get togethers with DH's side... Well... The last one ended in a punch up at the greyhound track (I shit you not).

I wonder if there is a greater expectation that grown up daughters spend Xmas with their parents than grown up sons? I feel like this must be the case as some people seem to be defining immediate family in a way that conveniently excludes the other set of grandparents!

Surely if you have to include your parents then you have to include your partners as well, but then that applies to all the siblings, and of course to any other grandchildren. But if those siblings have partners then what about their parents, are they immediate family too?

The only way to avoid this is to start with the basic unit of "my own little family". Everyone beyond that is an extra.

YANBU to dislike the phrase.

YABU to complain about how other people want to spend Christmas and who they want to spend it with.

I think some (not necessarily on this thread) who fixate on it being just their little family simply aren't very nice, and are possibly more controlling and self-centred than they claim their parents are.

What is wrong with the phrase? If its just my household, then I describe it as my little family. If GP's aunts, uncles etc are coming then I say it's a 'big family' party/event/do.

Don't see the problem.

CHristmas is for children is nearly as bad as Weddings are about family.

Good lord, Badgerina

I think in your shoes the nuclear model might be a good one. Punch ups at the dogs aren't my festive cup of tea, either

if you exclude people don't expect "your own little family" to have loyalty to you.

Loyalty is a ridiculous word to use here. And you clearly don't understand the mindset at all, because those of us who don't want a "big family Christmas" are not suddenly going to turn into Christmaszilla the minute we take on the grandparent role.

When my (imaginary) children are grown up I would not expect to spend Christmas with them unless we all felt like it, and I would be fine with someone saying "we're having Christmas just us this year" (in fact it might be me saying that).

It's not about being less "loyal" it's about being less precious about Christmas and faaaaahmileee.

There's nothing so special about Christmas that makes it essential for having a good relationship with your parents. I get on with my parents much better if I visit them some other weekend that is not Christmas. Everyone is much more relaxed and gets on much better.

Personally, I'd be devastated if DD didn't consider me part of her immediate family just because she'd married and had DC.

Surely you're being all "own little family" yourself, then.

I kind of agree, Trills. But I also think it's a bit crap to exclude close family from weddings (assuming they're not all fucking nightmares, that is).

x-posts there, Trills.

It depends also on the excluded parties - if they're not bothered about Christmas en masse (or weddings for that matter), that's a different ball game.

Oh that's a whole other thread Jenai :o

I think there are two sorts of people who are likely to want a small Christmas
those who don't like big Christmases
those who would like big Christmases but whose families would make one hell

It never seems to occur to the guilt-trippy 'excluding people' lot that, actually, your parents might be just as happy to have a christmas alone together, too!

I do not wish to know what my parents got up to last Christmas but I do know my mum planned a very swish, romantic meal for the two of them with very posh wine.

They have been putting up with three children plus assorted partners for about 10 years, loud teenagers before that, and children before that. They deserve a bit of a break!

faaaaahmileee

Ha. That is definitely how my nan used to pronounce it.

I hate the expression too, and regarding Christmas we always do things differently each year - sometimes we see wider family, sometimes we go abroad etc etc. In the past I have often had to work on Christmas Day, am happy to do so.

Actually I would be more than happy to spend Christmas on my own - I don't need anyone else - including DH and DS - they love skiing and I have suggested they go off skiing for Christmas without me but DH feels we 'ought' to be together.

I will be perfectly happy for DS to do whatever he likes for Christmas in the future, I would hate him to feel 'guilt trapped' into spending the day with us. My parents were honest enough to say that actually they find visiting young children at Christmas quite stressful as it is so totally different from their every day life - so I wonder if all grandparents really do want to spend the day with a load of noisy kids, I know I wouldn't .

I realise I'm going to be one of those mils. I will CRY when ds decides to spend Christmas elsewhere, and dp will have to placate me with Champagne and tell me to get a flipping grip

(Jenai the faaaaaahmileeeee thing applies to weddings more in the context of cousins you haven't seen in 10 years or "Aunty" Susan who hasn't seen you since you were "this high", not close family)

Oh, you might enjoy it jenai?

I also notice that now my brothers and I have all had chance to have a few Christmasses of our own, in our own homes, we are all quite fancying the idea of getting our parents over and hosting them, and we're much more inclined to make a big deal out of the day we do get together.

It's a bit like that stage in your late teens/early 20s when initially you think a family holiday is utterly lame and insist on going off with your mates ... then you're broke, you've grown out of camping/thumbing lifts through Europe/dossing on someone's floor, and suddenly a week in the sun paid for by someone else, who knows how to pack a corkscrew and some nice food, seems like quite a good idea.

Oh it has Lrd! A few years ago the ils had their first Christmas alone together and went walking. Fil loved it (he is a walkaholic) and was not impressed when we all came the next year, was a bit sulky! Mil on the other hand, prefer to have her sons there.

Yeah, that sounds a bit like my parents infinity. I do think my mum gets more nostalgic, but my dad - he's fond of us, but, you know, he's not unhappy to get some time on his own with my mum. It might be different if they were retired, but they're not.

I guess I'm just saying, we're all in such different circumstances, it's hard to apply one rule.

I had some lovely Christmases with friends in my 20s, pre-parenthood. They were fun. VERY boozy, tons of food, all hands on deck affairs.

I'd do that again, happily. They were better in a way than just the three of us (from a purely selfish perspective).

Oh god, when I say 'better' I mean 'festive'. I don't resent ds's presence at Christmas. He's not even 12 yet!