to not want to fork out for trip to DH's friends wedding in Hong Kong?

[pygmyangel]

a bit of a WWYD too and long so apologies.
The story is.....
DH's friend is getting married next year in Hong Kong. Friend's fiance is from Hong Kong originally and has a huge extended family over there although lives in the UK now. DH met this friend at work several years ago and shared a flat with him for about 9 months as the job was away from home. He no longer works with him and we don't see them very often as they live about 250 miles away. I don't really know the friends fiance particularly well nor do I get on well with some of the other friends that will be going. This friend has asked DH to be his best man.

This means DH is expected to pay out at least £1000 for flights and accommodation. DH wants me to go with him so we can have a nice 'just us' holiday which more than doubles the cost. (We have two DC's age 10 and 5 and it's during term time so they can't really come and would be staying with granny).

My issues are:

1. Although I've been told Hong Kong is fantastic, it's never really been somewhere I really want to go. If there's anyone who can persuade me, please try.

1. We have never been on a family holiday abroad as we've never been able to afford it. We've always just had the odd week or 2 in the UK, at Center Parcs or camping etc (although did go to Disneyland Paris in June but that was paid for by grandparents). Paying for this would def mean no family holiday again next year. I feel very guilty about taking ourselves off on a holiday we can barely afford, leaving the kids at home.

1. I could let DH go by himself but that means that once again he gets to go have a fun week or 2 with his mates while I am stuck at home juggling Uni and kids alone. Again. (As I do most of the time anyway as he works away mon to fri but at least then I know he's working for most of that).

1. I am a student with 2 more years to go and we need a new car and a bigger house. We could all do with a relaxing family break. Apparently, we can't afford any of that.

WWYD?

I think your being very sensible OP talking about both not going.

I know someone whose DH was best man at a S.African wedding - wife my friend had to very young DC and was essentially by herself all week and money was tight for them but he still went.

She was angry with the friends for having the wedding abroad - I couldn't understand why he'd gone and why she wasn't angry with him.

They both later said they regretted the money spent - and apparently he hadn't really enjoyed it as it was typical wedding lots of waiting round fitting in with wedding schedule and very little time and money left for looking round the place and catching up.

He was asked to be best man, it's not a binding contract for him to say yes.

That is exactly it it expatinscotland.

I know someone who flew out to Australia to be a bridesmaid for a cousin because they felt they couldn't say no. They had a great time and they did make it a holiday for all of them. However the saving up was very hard and caused fair bit of stress and once they were back they argued so much about money they actually split up for a bit.

We've had to turn down wedding invites abroad for both family and close friends. In this country DH can and does travel to wedding by himself, childcare is an issue for us, - but travel and overnight accommodation, plus gift can get expensive enough without factoring expensive flights abroad.

Oh, yes, you'll be expected to give a cash gift to the couple, too.

I'd rather say no and get them a nice gift.

OP FWIW I was in a similar situation last year, considering a long-haul wedding in a location I had no desire to visit which would be a huge stretch financially. Only in my circumstances, it was my best friends wedding. And the other guests going were all great friends whose company I enjoy. Plus I have no DCs to consider. And even given all that I still wobbled massively over the decision to go. We very nearly didn't, it was really touch and go.

So given your circumstances, I probably wouldn't be able to justify it.

My two pennorth:

If money was no object - then yes, DH can go and be best man and enjoy the trip - or you could even both go.

However it sounds like money is not that free and easy - it will impact on any family holidays with the DC next year. You also state that you are a student, need new car etc.

I would say that DH should politely decline. DH doesn't have to give reasons, if he says it is due to finances, then the bridal party may offer to pay for his travel - which then still leaves other expenses for him - and you at home alone for a week/ten days.

On the flipside - if it was somewhere that you had really wanted to visit - and saw this as an opportunity to get there then I would find the money from somewhere. Life is short. Last week I flew out to the states for 5 days to see my DH who was working over there for 3 weeks. We don't have endless cash, but figured that we could afford one airfare. Plus I really wanted to go and meet up with him, and spend a few days in that region. That is the difference - I wanted to go. Your DH sounds like he feels obliged to go as he has been asked to be bestman, and the groom has only a small group of friends andfamily.

Tzella £500+ for flights isn't cheap when you cannot afford it

True, of course. I post merely to give an indication

I'm amazed that some posters are managing to claim that it's a bloody cheek that the poor groom DARED to ask an old friend living in the same country as him to be his best man. People can get huffy about almost anything.

I don't think anyone is claiming asking is a cheek, are they? I think they were saying if the groom minded a refusal, without being willing to contribute to the cost, then that would be a cheek.

I do also think that if someone is in the wedding party, then extra costs (not standard wedding attendance ones, which would include travel, but suit hire, flowers etc) should be met by the couple. I've known a lot of weddings where people expected bridesmaid dresses, usher suits etc to be funded by those wearing them, despite being chosen by the bride. I think that's unreasonable.

Do people actually read the op before posting? The op has stated that they really cant afford this-well not at the expense of forgoing other things which are imo more important for the whole family.

Yet people on here are telling to her to stuff her kids and go on a holiday of a lifetime-which they cant afford!!! to placate a guy who from the sounds of it is really not a bosom buddy.

I truly understand how the majority of mn seems to be completely alien to the vast amounts of people I know when someone can post that £500 plus are "cheap flights".....

Now, Thailand I'd go to in a second. FAB!

You all went to Disneyland three months ago, that's a family holiday. Yes you didn't pay for it but you still went. I don't think your kids would be deprived to holiday in the UK next year while you guys went to HK.

"Dh can just say he'd love to, v honoured to be asked, but sadly cannot justify spending the money" - I agree with RavenAK

This gives the groom a chance to offer to pay, if he wants to.

My three penorth. Peoople who have weddings abroad should be paying for best mans travel and accomodation....

Definitely think neither of you should go if you need things like a new car and a bigger house.

CherryBlossom: are you the bride??? Can't believe anyone would advocate working like that for something they don't want to do. To provide essentials or to fulfil a lifelong dream, yes. But not to attend a (not very close friend's) wedding.

Wow, Charlea, what sites do you look at? Sounds like an amazing deal

People who have weddings abroad should be paying for best mans travel and accomodation....

Huh??? Why not extend it to a best man who has to travel for a wedding, even within the UK.

It makes no sense what so ever. It is a privilege to be asked to be a best man, but not an obligation to accept. If one cannot afford the cost of travel and accommodation, just say no.

I agree with the poster, though, who says that if a special outfit (not tux or smoking) is required for the bestman/bridesmaids, then either the groom/bride should pay for the hire or accept the expenditure in lieu of a wedding gift.

I can't see any reason why any of you should go to be honest and I got married abroad! Firstly I agree re HK. I've never been but even if I did have that kind of money to spend I'd want really exotic beautiful beaches. DB honeymooned in HK. All looks v swanky but dull sky over a concrete jungle. That's my first point my second is that you have DC's and whilst they would have fun with your dps they're still going to feel like you had an adventure without them. We did shorthaul wedding. We weren't offended by anyone not attending in fact I think it cost some guests less than what I spent on travel and accomodation etc on theirs but I digress. Point is DH wanted us to pay for best man. I said no. I'm glad I did as he's not had anything to do with us since and it was 5 years ago just be honest. If they're decent folk they'll understand.

Return flights to HK less than £100? Since when?

Showtunesgirl, that poster was talking about return flights from Bangkok to HK.

OP, are you the kind of person who would enjoy a wedding full of people you didn't know, who would be polite but possibly still difficult to communicate with? IME the local family are likely to be quite insular and will not be making a massive effort to bond with you. It's also likely to be in some massive, brightly-lit ugly hotel ballroom and the food will be disappointing. You will be expected to give cash. It's nice that your DP wants you to have couple time together but I think it's sad that it would mean no family holiday. My most cherished childhood memories are camping in France (those campsites with the ready- up tents like little cabins), going to markets, swimming in the pool all day in hot weather. It was holidays abroad as a child that made me confident travelling and living abroad as an adult. Don't spend money you don't have on this trip. You won't enjoy it. As other posters have said, if it's whetted an appetite for more exotic travel( and it does sound like you need to have a bit of fun) take the whole family to Thailand instead (prob cheaper than France all in these days). Oh, did I mention that I live in Hong Kong?

Holdmecloser - the OP intimated that if he went it would mean no family holiday uk or otherwise for the family. Of course children do not need holidays. Ut having seen first hand how upset children can get when all their friends are going somewhere and they arnt even having a weeks camping why the heck should the whole family miss out.

It would be a no brainer for me. If my dh went he certainly wouldn't be coming back!

Go on a family holiday to Thailand instead! It rocks! :)