to not want to fork out for trip to DH's friends wedding in Hong Kong?

[pygmyangel]

a bit of a WWYD too and long so apologies.
The story is.....
DH's friend is getting married next year in Hong Kong. Friend's fiance is from Hong Kong originally and has a huge extended family over there although lives in the UK now. DH met this friend at work several years ago and shared a flat with him for about 9 months as the job was away from home. He no longer works with him and we don't see them very often as they live about 250 miles away. I don't really know the friends fiance particularly well nor do I get on well with some of the other friends that will be going. This friend has asked DH to be his best man.

This means DH is expected to pay out at least £1000 for flights and accommodation. DH wants me to go with him so we can have a nice 'just us' holiday which more than doubles the cost. (We have two DC's age 10 and 5 and it's during term time so they can't really come and would be staying with granny).

My issues are:

1. Although I've been told Hong Kong is fantastic, it's never really been somewhere I really want to go. If there's anyone who can persuade me, please try.

1. We have never been on a family holiday abroad as we've never been able to afford it. We've always just had the odd week or 2 in the UK, at Center Parcs or camping etc (although did go to Disneyland Paris in June but that was paid for by grandparents). Paying for this would def mean no family holiday again next year. I feel very guilty about taking ourselves off on a holiday we can barely afford, leaving the kids at home.

1. I could let DH go by himself but that means that once again he gets to go have a fun week or 2 with his mates while I am stuck at home juggling Uni and kids alone. Again. (As I do most of the time anyway as he works away mon to fri but at least then I know he's working for most of that).

1. I am a student with 2 more years to go and we need a new car and a bigger house. We could all do with a relaxing family break. Apparently, we can't afford any of that.

WWYD?

i dont understand, every wedding i have ever had (many im fickle) i have funded the essential guests like bestman and bridesmaids especially if a flight was involved

Her dc have never had a holiday abroad.

Best man or not, dh definitely wouldn't be going in these circumstances.

Tbh I think it would be pretty tight on your dc if you did go.

If your DH has been asked to be Best Man he has to go, full stop. You don't need to go. I don't think the bridegroom is obligated to pay for flights.

If I were you though, I'd jump at the chance to go to HK!

Go you might even enjoy yourself, The tone of your OP suggests you could do with letting your hair down and having some fun, life doesn't have to be a boring trudge you know.

Definitely in Made in Chelsea now

I think that your DH should go if he has been asked to be best man.

I have never encountered such hostility and weirdness about attending weddings in RL as seems to exist on MN!

Your other option is to ask your DH how close this friend is. If he's really not that close, see if he'd be OK with backing out of being Best Man. It happens. That way none of you would have to go. Otherwise, I'm sticking with what I said - if he agrees to be Best Man, he needs to be there.

OP, why don't you ask if you can pay half the wedding and be done with it after all what an honor.

we recently declined to go to a wedding in the Far East for all the reasons you've given

there was no way the DC and I were going (term time, too far, too expensive, too hot), and given that we weren't, I told DH that I wasn't happy using family funds for him to go. he had the option of putting it on a credit card and paying it off out of his personal spends, but chose not to.

Best man so he has to go my arse.

How ridiculous.

One of the downsides to getting married overseas is you can't guarantee people can go unless you also pay flights and accommodation. Speaking as someone who was tempted, then decided against because I knew some dearly loved people wouldn't be able to make it.

If money is tight, then the choice appears to be between your kids and his friend (whom he now rarely sees). Not much of a choice, is it?

I encourage DH to have weekends away with old male friends, incidentally, so it isn't that. It's a "you can't afford this, you are a family, that takes priority". I once thought DH should go on a stag week when money was tight, but he absolutely said no. Said the costs would mount dramatically, none of the other guys had families yet and all were on larger salaries than us, and it was totally unfair if he had that break while DS and I then missed out on a family holiday.

It's tough and I sympathise with your DH, but thems the breaks IMO once you have children.

"If your DH has been asked to be Best Man he has to go, full stop."

Hahahahahaha.

That´s a joke-people don´t really think that, do they?

It´s an invitation-to which the reply can be either yes or no-isn´t it?

Flatbread, are you a fairy?

Huh? think I'm a pretty rooted practical person.

But dh, on the other hand, likes to experience life, and we have had some lively madcap adventures together

Enorma, the children have had a foreign holiday -they have been to Paris Disney, which face it, is a holiday focused solely on the children, as no one in their right mind would go there otherwise.

Besides, when the kids are old enough and are earning, they can take all the foreign holidays they can afford.

^Um, yes - the DH can back out of being Best Man, and then nobody would have to go. But why would you agree to be Best Man at a wedding you can't attend? That's shit.

I didn´t think that he had agreed to be best man-just that he had been asked.

Well then it sounds like he shouldn't agree to do it IMO.

I recon that your husband wants to go for reasons of his own. He's known him 9 months????? What else does Mr selfish want to do?

If this guy is a true friend, he'll understand if he is told you just can't afford it.

If they offer to pay flights so your DH only has to fund living expenses then fine, but otherwise... apart from anything else I suspect there will be plenty of arranged activities, meals out etc and the costs will mushroom. What's he going to say? "I have to stay at the hotel or eat alone at a noodle joint, this is just too expensive"?

Maybe he agreed after initially being delighted and flattered that he was asked, then realised the cost (which the OP has already tried to minimise) made it impossible?

Op stated they have never had a family holiday abroad.

I wouldn't spend £££ on some other fuckers wedding on a different continent when I couldn't even take my own kids abroad.

Each to their own though eh?

No, he hasn't known the groom 9 months; he shared a place with him for 9 months but has known him years, since they worked together. Legit friendship, but still not sensible at all IMO.

How can your DH justify spending 2k on a couples holiday (of which 1 half of the couple doesn't want to go), if you can't even afford a family holiday?

I would say it is not YANBU to say you don't want to go and I'm not sure it would be unreasonable for you to be unhappy about him going alone either. Even 1k is a lot and it doesn't sound like this guy is your DH's life long best mate or anything?

Ok i stand corrected perfect storm but this is ridiculous anyway for very valid reasons the OP has stated.

The pressure I feel is coming from her husband to still go. Why?

Just reread the OP again, and:

"2. We have never been on a family holiday abroad as we've never been able to afford it. We've always just had the odd week or 2 in the UK, at Center Parcs or camping etc (although did go to Disneyland Paris in June but that was paid for by grandparents). Paying for this would def mean no family holiday again next year. I feel very guilty about taking ourselves off on a holiday we can barely afford, leaving the kids at home.

1. I could let DH go by himself but that means that once again he gets to go have a fun week or 2 with his mates while I am stuck at home juggling Uni and kids alone. Again. (As I do most of the time anyway as he works away mon to fri but at least then I know he's working for most of that).

1. I am a student with 2 more years to go and we need a new car and a bigger house. We could all do with a relaxing family break. Apparently, we can't afford any of that. "

I really do think your DH is being daft as a brush. You are not describing a family who can afford this at all. It's an insane extravagance with the financial pressures hinted at here.