to not want to fork out for trip to DH's friends wedding in Hong Kong?

[pygmyangel]

a bit of a WWYD too and long so apologies.
The story is.....
DH's friend is getting married next year in Hong Kong. Friend's fiance is from Hong Kong originally and has a huge extended family over there although lives in the UK now. DH met this friend at work several years ago and shared a flat with him for about 9 months as the job was away from home. He no longer works with him and we don't see them very often as they live about 250 miles away. I don't really know the friends fiance particularly well nor do I get on well with some of the other friends that will be going. This friend has asked DH to be his best man.

This means DH is expected to pay out at least £1000 for flights and accommodation. DH wants me to go with him so we can have a nice 'just us' holiday which more than doubles the cost. (We have two DC's age 10 and 5 and it's during term time so they can't really come and would be staying with granny).

My issues are:

1. Although I've been told Hong Kong is fantastic, it's never really been somewhere I really want to go. If there's anyone who can persuade me, please try.

1. We have never been on a family holiday abroad as we've never been able to afford it. We've always just had the odd week or 2 in the UK, at Center Parcs or camping etc (although did go to Disneyland Paris in June but that was paid for by grandparents). Paying for this would def mean no family holiday again next year. I feel very guilty about taking ourselves off on a holiday we can barely afford, leaving the kids at home.

1. I could let DH go by himself but that means that once again he gets to go have a fun week or 2 with his mates while I am stuck at home juggling Uni and kids alone. Again. (As I do most of the time anyway as he works away mon to fri but at least then I know he's working for most of that).

1. I am a student with 2 more years to go and we need a new car and a bigger house. We could all do with a relaxing family break. Apparently, we can't afford any of that.

WWYD?

I was under the impression that in Chinese culture th groom's family pays for everything, including flights for the wedding party.

Oh I agree completely Clipped, was just making the point that the desire to go is understandable. Thing is, I have a desire for diamond earrings, too.

Not going to be much use to the OP, but when friends of ours had a wedding on a different continent, as thats where the Bride's family were, the Groom obviously had a list of who he wanted to be his best man, and asked after it was confirmed he was going ( we delayed responding, as I was very newly pregnant at the time, but unfortunately we lost the baby, and within 30 mins of us sending an acceptance e-mail we had a phone call asking DH to be best man).

That seems a much better way of doing it, if you think someone you'd like to support you on your big day would come over. Asking someone to be best man, and assuming they can just find the money, holidays etc is a big ask, especially if you weren't "expecting" to be asked.

OP - I like the idea of a video speach - maybe with some others from the UK included, but only you can really make the decision about the £. Personally I'm not taken by HK, but then its a big city, and they don't do anything for me. I think in this situation, you can decline the position of best man on cost grounds.

Flatbread
Why would the bridegroom help with the cost of flights?

I am utterly astonished that someone would ask someone to be bridesmaid/best man/play some other part in their wedding and then expect them to shell out huge sums on air travel/their own dresses/ etc.

at perfectstorm.

Why do they need a bigger car and house? Why do the children need a holiday?

It just seems op has different priorities than her dh. Some people want to nest, while others want to live a little. Nothing wrong either way...

I am utterly astonished that someone would ask someone to be bridesmaid/best man/play some other part in their wedding and then expect them to shell out huge sums on air travel/their own dresses/ etc.

Completely agree. It's like the wedding I heard of where the guests were expected to pay for the meal, and as it was away from the home area, accommodation plus present. Gift list actually in the invite, with no mention of the meal being paid by each person until the day. The from the guests was apparently immense. Specially as the gifts had obvs been bought and paid for already.

Fair enough to ask guests on an "if you can, lovely; if you can't, we understand" basis, but the wedding party? Knowing they have family responsibilities and money is tight?

It's called "family priorities" Flatbread. Life unfortunately isn't all about "fun".

You're an absolute delight Flatbread, really you are. I don't mean that in a condescending way either.

Dh can just say he'd love to, v honoured to be asked, but sadly cannot justify spending the money earmarked for the family holiday on flights & accomodation.

Friend would have to be spectacularly brassnecked not to understand & accept this; he always has the option then of offering to pick up the tab for dh.

If OP & dh were both 'Yeah! HK!' then I wouldn't see any harm in them going & fobbing the dc off with camping this year, but given OP would clearly rather spend it on a family holiday, I think if dh insists he can always do as IPredictADiet suggests - put it on a card & pay off out of personal spends.

Definitely don't think dh is under any obligation to accept.

'If your DH has been asked to be Best Man he has to go, full stop. '

It's not a contractual obligation. He can say no.

I don't know anyone personally who pays for best man to travel to the wedding.

At some point, you presume people are earning enough to afford an air ticket and accommodation on their own steam. If they cannot, just say no and I'm sure the groom will have an alternative best man in mind.

No one is doing anyone a 'favour' here, to expect an all expenses paid holiday. I presume op's dh wants to go because he feels flattered, wants to see a new place and live a little, instead of being boringly practical all the time.

Flatbread, if you are the kind of person who likes an urban holiday, Hong Kong is amazing. When you fly in you suddenly understand why it was of such strategic importance to the British empire for so long. And who on here has tried 100 year egg, a kind of transparent pickled egg?? Also it's a gateway to a lot of other interesting places. So I would definitely put it on your list of places to visit if you get the chance. But it sounds like you can't really afford it right now and even if you could it wouldn't be your first spending priority.

Practical (or impractical) suggestion: could your DH Skype in for his best man speech, instead of being there in person? That would be very international :)

Sorry Flatbread you are not the OP. I meant 'OP, HK is amazing'

Well, thanks everyone. Lots of food for thought there.
It would be an 'insane extravagance' all things considered. I think all the thoughts and arguments i've had with myself have been mentioned here.
I still can't help thinking that i've been offered an opportunity to do something i've never considered and I should take it.

One must never "presume" sweetheart.

At the end of the day I think it's very selfish to ask people to fly across the world to go to your wedding and pay for it.

It is lovely that your DH would like you both to go together, to have time together without the kids. You could choose to embrace that.

The kids went to Disney this year, they won't mind camping next year so mummy and daddy can go away together. In fact it's good for kids to see their parents enjoying life together, they really wouldn't be loosing out.

But if you really don't want to, wouldn't enjoy it and don't want to spend your money on that, then don't. But it is another way of looking at it: an adventure for you and DH, sometimes you've got to grab life.

"I still can't help thinking that i've been offered an opportunity to do something i've never considered and I should take it."

Why-if you´re not interested in the place, you´re not.

If you want to go in future then you can save up to go & have as many days there doing what you want.

hey won't mind camping next year so mummy and daddy can go away together

Bawk. That's also what people say to justify not taking their kids on holiday with them.

"If your DH has been asked to be Best Man he has to go, full stop. "
Bollocks. Total bollocks. The word was "asked". Therefore the reply can by "yes" or "no".

pygmyangel, you are a family; you, DH, DC (10) and DC (5). Is spending this huge amount of money on attending a wedding really a priority for all four of you? You've listed many other things this money could be better spent on; I really think your DH has to reconsider his priorities. Although it may have been very flattering to have been asked to be best man, and the prospect looks exciting, a bit of perspective wouldn't go amiss here.

So right diddl.

Say for instance I won a ferrari, I'd have to sell it due to never being able to maintain it

Say for instance i was offered a chance to go to one of the wonders due to a friend being there that could "show me the sights".

I couldn't afford either therefore the answer is thanks but no.

Apart from the OP's invitators made up word not wanting to foot the bill of course! which is incredibly cheeky of course no matter how much money people have.

Rambled there.. Meant I'd obviously accept the ferrari but wouild sell it for something i could maintain.

I don't think either of you should go.

It is too expensive for your financial circumstances. Your H needs to decline the invite specifically citing the fact that he cannot afford the flight. If the groom then offers to pay for the flight, your H should probably go alone. I personally wouldn't enjoy a holiday with my H if I had left a 5yo behind. Can't say for the 10yo, mine have not got that old yet. I know that when my DS was 5, he would have been really unhappy if both me and DH left him for a week, even if he was with his grandparents.

I wouldn't go and if money is tight wouldn't want my husband to go. If going round the world you really need 3 weeks as it takes a week to get over jet lag. If you wouldn't have thought of going to Hong Kong if there wasn't a wedding I don't see why a wedding should make you go. It's not your sister or best friend, although even then I'd be disinclined to go.