to not want to fork out for trip to DH's friends wedding in Hong Kong?

[pygmyangel]

a bit of a WWYD too and long so apologies.
The story is.....
DH's friend is getting married next year in Hong Kong. Friend's fiance is from Hong Kong originally and has a huge extended family over there although lives in the UK now. DH met this friend at work several years ago and shared a flat with him for about 9 months as the job was away from home. He no longer works with him and we don't see them very often as they live about 250 miles away. I don't really know the friends fiance particularly well nor do I get on well with some of the other friends that will be going. This friend has asked DH to be his best man.

This means DH is expected to pay out at least £1000 for flights and accommodation. DH wants me to go with him so we can have a nice 'just us' holiday which more than doubles the cost. (We have two DC's age 10 and 5 and it's during term time so they can't really come and would be staying with granny).

My issues are:

1. Although I've been told Hong Kong is fantastic, it's never really been somewhere I really want to go. If there's anyone who can persuade me, please try.

1. We have never been on a family holiday abroad as we've never been able to afford it. We've always just had the odd week or 2 in the UK, at Center Parcs or camping etc (although did go to Disneyland Paris in June but that was paid for by grandparents). Paying for this would def mean no family holiday again next year. I feel very guilty about taking ourselves off on a holiday we can barely afford, leaving the kids at home.

1. I could let DH go by himself but that means that once again he gets to go have a fun week or 2 with his mates while I am stuck at home juggling Uni and kids alone. Again. (As I do most of the time anyway as he works away mon to fri but at least then I know he's working for most of that).

1. I am a student with 2 more years to go and we need a new car and a bigger house. We could all do with a relaxing family break. Apparently, we can't afford any of that.

WWYD?

I like OhSienas take on this, and I don't think it does any harm to be thinking about the DHs possible points of view.

I think if I were him I'd have every reason to want to go and discuss the the possibility of it happening with my partner. I might have to come to the conclusion that we really can't afford it, but that wouldn't stop the thoughts of a) I really would love to visit Hong Kong b) I would be very dissapointed to miss seeing a friend I care about get married c) I know my friend will understand, but I will still feel like I'm letting him down if I can't accept the role of best man d) It would be a lovely opportunity to spend some time with my wife as a couple instead of as parents. And it wouldnt even be that hard to understand if he had pissed off thoughts of e) I want to do this one thing for myself while I am supporting my wife through university and she doesn't even understand that my friend means a huge amount to me despite the fact we don't get the chance to see each other very often.

I think I would be inclined to at least consider going, even if it meant DH going for the minimum time on his own. I think sometimes you do have to grab life if you can, and if it didn't have to involve debt, it might be doable.

I'd be very tempted to go, but I'm one of those people that always wants to see new places. If you go you could try staying in hostels to make the accommodation costs cheap (depends how much you care about a nice room etc), and in lots of hostels you can cook for yourself so that keeps the food costs down. Public transport is cheap in most places to travel around. That obviously isn't for everyone but it works very well for me as I don't really care where I sleep (as long as it's safe and clean) when I'm travelling, but I do care about being able to visit new places and see new things.

How much would it take out of your family budget though? If you went to Disney the children have had a child focussed holiday recently. Would going to HK just mean no holiday abroad next year or problems paying the bills? The former is fine IMO, the last one obviously not.

I thought it smelled better and was cleaner than Bangkok

Well, most places generally do/are.

It's not a great advert for a place is it ? At least it isn't as smelly and mucky as BKK.

I'd be a "no" in the OP's shoes. One of the consequences of getting married far from your friends and loved ones is that quite a lot of them won't have the spare time or money to attend. That's just the way it is.

If there was any splashing out pf cash fpr holidays, I'd pick a place we wanted to go very much, and go as a family.

Oh just go. It will be a great memory. Something special and you can make a nice holiday out of it for you and DH.

When is the wedding? If it's a year away, you could get a part time job to help save for it?

It is about 500 quid return Air China via Beijing or the same via Istanbul with Air Turkey (kayak.com)

Bluesky - she has 2 small children, is doing a full time degree, and her DH is away Mon-Fri so she is in effect a single parent all week. Why exactly (and how exactly, given childcare costs and the dearth of free time there) should she get a part time job to save up to go on a holiday she isn't keen on, anyway?

I do think some people have no conception of what it's like to have very little money.

It doesn't sound like this should be a priority for your family's money at the moment, to be honest. It's tough when one of the adults is a student, especially when there are children to consider as well.

Obviously your DH is flattered by the best man invite, but since the connection between him and the bridegroom seems slightly spurious, has it occurred to you that your DH may not have been first choice? It's possible that others have already turned down the invitation.

It's frankly a hell of an ask to get someone to shell out that much money for what is, essentially, a party.

YANBU - I would ask DH to say politely to his friend, 'Thanks very much for asking me to be best man. It's a great honour, but unfortunately as I'm married with a couple of small children, and DW is a full time student, finances are really tight for us. I just couldn't afford to fly to Hong Kong for a wedding, I'm afraid'. I know he might not like to admit this, male pride and all, but it's ridiculous to pretend that you are in a position to be someone's best man at a cost of a good couple of thousand quid to yourself. There's no way we could afford to do anything like this - and like you, we spend our hols at Centre Parcs, rather than abroad. I'd be bloody resentful at someone expecting me to fork out this sort of cash for THEIR big day. It's a nerve I think.

I've always wanted to go to HK. Had a childhood pen friend there.
I'd make a holiday of it and say sod the expense, but that's not a sensible answer.

Well we briefly discussed neither of us going last night, and all the reasons for that. He wasn't happy, but then he didn't argue either which is very unusual for him and suggests he's been thinking the same things. I think he knows deep down that we can't really afford it.

It's a case of choosing your priorities isn't it? If you wanted to go you would find a way to make it work even take a part time job as someone else suggested, but if you don't want to go then apologise to the couple and celebrate with them in another way such as treat them to a meal out.

I do feel I ought to stick up for Hong Kong especially as Expat has made it sound like an utter shithole (!!), IME it is a brilliant place to go on holiday! Maybe you need the insiders view of Hong Kong instead of the tourists view...

The city is brilliant, especially at night time, there are plenty of places to go shopping or just browse at the markets particularly in Mong Kok, the Ladies Market, the bird market and more.

The city skyline is one of the best views in the world from The Peak after a scary trip up the Peak Tram, and you can also explore the mountain and gardens around The Peak.

If you also visit Tsim Sha Tsui, you also get amazing views and can see the harbour, plus catch the famous Star Ferry!

Ocean Park and Disneyland are also fun days out for the whole family. Ocean Park had two gorgeous pandas last time I was there, and you can easily spend a whole day at the park.

You can take a trip to see the Big Bhuddha on Lantau Island and take an unforgettable trip in the cable car that goes accross the sea and mountains.

You can visit the beautiful sandy beaches at Sai Kung.

If you enjoy the countryside there is plenty in the New Territories and some huge butterflies to be seen and waterfalls.

Cantonese people love children and will make a fuss of them. The food is fresh and delicious, so much to choose from.

Just to add I'm not working for their tourist board ;-)

Anyway, I'm off there in a few weeks with 9 month old DS and DH and I cannot wait!!!

I don't want to be mean about your DH, but it seems he is no longer very close to this friend. Why do you think he has been asked to be best man? Do you think friend is having trouble filling the vacancy because of the costs involved? Sorry if this is not the case, but it was the first thing that sprung to my mind when I read your post.

YANBU BTW, why do the kids not get a holiday because money spent on totally unnecessary trip to HK for sake of casual friend?

Sorry, I still found it crap and wouldn't work a part-time job to go someplace I didn't want to go even if everyone else thought it was Shangri-la.

Glad your husband is seeing sense, pygmy.

This whole 'you only live once', well, that applies to your family, too.

Well, OP if you don´t want to go that´s that.

Then, you can either afford for him to go, or you can´t.

It´s simple really.

And I don´t mean afford as in give up holidays/scrimp & save.

Then there´s the issue of him using annual leave as well.

It should easily be a no imo.

I don't think this is an opportunity. Unless I've missed something you are paying own flights and accommodation so if you feel you'd really like to go then you can save up and go when you can afford it on the same basis.

DH and I married abroad and paid for/offered to pay for the people we really wanted to be there to go. Everyone else were invited on a come along and celebrate with us, if it suits you.

If your DH's pal really wants your DH to be BM he should be forking out for his flights and accommodation, or getting married closer to home.

If you can afford for just your DH to go, then that would be better, but no, don't go crazy trying to fund it. If you choose to have a wedding abroad you lose the right to expect people to go IMO (unless the hosts pay for people to go, which is really generous).

We were invited to a wedding in Mexico, with eight months notice, and like you I've just signed up to finish my studies (which cost the price of the flights). I really wanted to go, as I'd love to visit Mexico, but it just wasnt possible. We sent our best wishes and offered to visit the couple in the future, when it was more convenient for all of us. Our friends were very understanding and lovely about it.

I hope the couple will appreciate your reasons should you not be able to attend.

I can't believe anyone is suggesting you should make your life hard for several months, getting a part-time job, to pay for attending someone else's wedding. How on earth would that benefit the family as a whole, if you get tired and exhausted all for some one off event that isn't even your thing?!

OP, someone wrote a very sensitive email above saying what needs to be said: I would love to do it, but we don't have enough money as a family. This is perfectly acceptable, I had to tell a friend that I couldn't fly the whole family to an isolated part of Italy (no direct flights) and stay in one of the few expensive apartments in the village. It was sad, but there it was (I went alone). It would have cost several thousand, everyone says 'cheap flights' but when I looked into it (I work too so can't go at cheap flight times), the flights weren't cheap, the transfers were expensive, and there was no cheap accommodation, and you have to pay for food/drink when you are there, you can't do it on a few hundred quid, not even to Europe.

If you can squeeze your finances, I would consider going, but if you can't, you can't, perhaps the couple might think about paying for your DH, but surely most people would appreciate that a family can't all fly to HK for a wedding!

From your op, I wouldn't go. It is money that would be better spent elsewhere.

pygmyangel What date is this wedding? I have access to vv cheap flights so can give you a real idea of how much it might be.

For instance;

1-15 March 2012 is £509 on Turkish via Istanbul
14 -21 May 2013 is £553 on Qatar via Doha

Accommodation in Hong Kong isn't cheap!

DP went to his step-sister's wedding there last year without me because DD was only 4 months and we couldn't possibly afford for us all to go. He absolutely loved it, never stopped partying for 5 days and had a great time. I didn't exactly begrudge it but did feel a bit at the money which we couldn't really afford - he was guilt-tripped into it and it was close family so a bit different. I think really as your DP is bets man he does have to go but should keep it short (DP did 5 days) and the money that would have gone on you both going should go toward a short break for the family

I agree you have not really been given an "opportuntity" You will still be out of pocket. There is no point leaving yourself skint for the sake of a friend who doesn't seem very close Nor should you have to get a part time job to pay for it
Tzella £500+ for flights isn't cheap when you cannot afford it

If you could afford a holiday of a lifetime then you have already said yourself that you wouldn't choose HK.

Have been in a similar situation ourselves, Dh asked to be best man in some far flung corner of the world, DH had initially accepted but then lost his job.
We had to pull out as could not justify the cost when we were struggling to keep a roof over our heads.
But was decided if the groom really wanted DH to be there (they were best mates) and offered to pay for him then he would go alone (Was a possibility as groom is loaded and i know did pay for others) He didn't offer to pay so DH didn't attend.

I think deep down your DH knows that from a practical point of view he is not going to be able to attend and its good that you were able to sit down a chat about it
He probably just got caught up in the initial excitement of it all without thinking about it logically (my DH is like this) Which is human nature.

I'm guessing you are the practical one in your relationship!!!