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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think a 15 year old CANNOT be "in a relationship" with a 30 year old man.

131 replies

MissJayTea · 26/09/2012 11:02

She is under the age of consent.

He has groomed, manipulated and abused her.

They are NOT in a relationship. He is a grown man and she is a child. He is a paedophile and she is his victim!

Even the bbc news referred to them as being in a relationship.

OP posts:

Proudnscary · 26/09/2012 11:03

I'm totally at the amount of comments on newspaper sites saying 'it takes two to tango' and 'she's old enough to know better' and 'how can she be groomed at 15...you know what teenage girls can be like'

WTF??

YANBU

ComplexityAndFecundityOfDreams · 26/09/2012 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nokidshere · 26/09/2012 11:04

You might not think so, the law might not think so, but I am pretty sure that the 15 year old girl thinks she is.

exexpat · 26/09/2012 11:05

Technically, he is not a paedophile - that is someone attracted to prepubescent children, which she is not. But he is obviously a man with no self-control, respect for boundaries, laws etc.

SammyTheSwedishSquirrel · 26/09/2012 11:07

I don't know, I don't think it's quite so simple as the age. My mum was 15 when she met my dad, who was 34 at the time. They got married when she was 16 and were together until he passed away nearly 50 years later.

I think it's more to do with this man's position and the way he has overstepped the boundaries of trust that go with that position.

squoosh · 26/09/2012 11:07

He's not a paedophile.

He's a creepy predator, but he's not a paedophile.

DesperatelySeekingPomBears · 26/09/2012 11:08

Probably because she's so close to the age of consent that some view it as a grey area. I don't think he's a paedophile, but I do think he took advantage of his position if trust.

However, you try telling a 15 year old girl that she isn't in a relationship with her boyfriend and see what response you get.

Proudnscary · 26/09/2012 11:08

Interesting point but Sammy how would you feel if your 15 year old went out with a 30 year old, teacher aside? Genuine question.

meditrina · 26/09/2012 11:09

See the other AIBU thread in which it has been repeatedly and patiently explained why this is not paedophilia.

Everyone there is however in agreement that he is prima facie a sex offender.

maybenow · 26/09/2012 11:09

This case has not gone to trial, we cannot know, and the BBC cannot say that he was grooming her for sex or that they have had sexual relations.

I agree this is most likely but it's important we do not have 'trial by media'.

Original poster

MissJayTea · 26/09/2012 11:09

I'm so angry at the way this is being reported. It makes me feel sick to the stomach to think of that poor poor girl.

OP posts:

SammyTheSwedishSquirrel · 26/09/2012 11:10

I'd be livid and want to kill him.

meditrina · 26/09/2012 11:11

It's quite possible with an older teen that no grooming was required.

Doesn't make any of his actions right though.

Nanny0gg · 26/09/2012 11:12

He is not a paedophile.
He is definitely a sex offender.
And it's not just the press. Reading another online forum as I do, some of the (much older) women have been mentioning terms like 'Lolita'...

I was incandescent!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/09/2012 11:12

YABU... it's a relationship, even if it's an immoral or illegal relationship. Of course the man in the story is a reprehensible abuser of position and betrayer of trust. Deceiving his wife, taking advantage of his authority, cultivating an inappropriate friendship with a teenager and then persuading her to leave her family. But there's still a relationship.

Original poster

MissJayTea · 26/09/2012 11:12

Ok, I take back the paedophile comment.

In law could he be found guilty of rape given that she is too young to consent?

OP posts:

threeorangesocksmorganisagirl · 26/09/2012 11:12

yanbu, she is a child and he is a grown man.
but she will think she is in an equal relationship. so it has ot be treated carefully

DappyHays · 26/09/2012 11:13

Surely he's only a sex offender if he's had sexual contact with her?

Only the pair of them have the answer to that.

squoosh · 26/09/2012 11:14

I don't think it would be classified rape, something like Unlawful Sex I think it's called.

OldGreyWiffleTest · 26/09/2012 11:15

If he was 'just' grooming her for sex he would not have run away with her would he? He would just have carried on having sex and stayed with his wife.

Some 15 year olds are like 20 year olds.........and some men never grow up.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/09/2012 11:15

He could be found guilty of statutory rape if the girl could be persuaded to bring a prosecution. However, having seen a similar story play out in a courtroom where the victim was so infatuated with the offender that they refused to cooperate in the prosecution, there was no conviction.

Nanny0gg · 26/09/2012 11:17

Difference is, he's her teacher and she's under 18.

Paiviaso · 26/09/2012 11:17

I think they are in a relationship, albeit a very unhealthy one. She probably loves him, and thinks the situation is horribly romantic. He loves her, or the power he has over her, who knows. Either way, unless he is holding her captive, they both want to be together.

Machadaynu · 26/09/2012 11:18

He's totally in the wrong because of his position as her teacher.

Had they have just happened to have met in a situation where he wasn't responsible for her and the relationship taken off he'd still be legally - and probably morally - wrong, but it would then be more complicated as SammytheSwedishSquirrel points out. I can't think where they'd happen to meet where they'd get chance to find out they got on, but that's by the by.

In a few months they will be perhaps 16 and 30. It's not something I'd choose, but I don't think as many people would object so much if they just happened to meet in the queue at Tesco. It's the fact that he is her teacher that it the issue.

If she was 18 and he was 32 and they met in the pub it's perhaps raise a few eyebrows for a week or so, but that'd be it. I had a brief 'thing' with a 19 year old colleague when I was 32 and it wasn't really commented upon.

Original poster

MissJayTea · 26/09/2012 11:19

But she cannot consent to sex and sex without consent is rape.

OP posts:

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