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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a 15 year old CANNOT be "in a relationship" with a 30 year old man.

131 replies

MissJayTea · 26/09/2012 11:02

She is under the age of consent.

He has groomed, manipulated and abused her.

They are NOT in a relationship. He is a grown man and she is a child. He is a paedophile and she is his victim!

Even the bbc news referred to them as being in a relationship.

OP posts:
FreudiansGoldSlipper · 26/09/2012 11:20

maybe the fact that he was up for a disciplinary hearing after an investigation into his relationship with Megan may have been the reason he did not just carry on having sex with her

And you other comment I am assuming you are taking the piss

SoupDragon · 26/09/2012 11:20

It is entirely possible she did all the "chasing". I don't know.

However, he was in a position of trust and an adult and should have put a stop to it and thus is squarely in the wrong here.

15 year olds are a bundle of hormones. Grown men are not.

nokidshere · 26/09/2012 11:20

I just don't get the "outrage" for the "poor girl".

Forget him for a moment - we all know he is in the wrong. Look at it from her point of view. He is a handsome teacher and muscian, older and experienced, makes her feel great and treats her like a grown up. She is madly in love with him and loves having her little secret and then someone finds out and is going to stop her from seeing and having a relationship with the love of her life. To her this is an adventure with the man she loves. How many other 15 year olds this week have been screaming at their parents "you can not stop me seeing him"? with their latest unsuitable boyfriend?

Sure she is probably regretting it now, and feeling scared about the reception she will get when she gets home. But she went into it with her 15 year old eyes wide open (from her point of view). She doesn't understand she might have been "groomed". All she knows is that she loves him and no-one is going to stop her seeing him. When she gets home she will do one of two things, she will either say "he didn't make me do anything and I am going to be with him as soon as I am 16 whether you like it or not" or she is going to sell her story of hurt and confusion to the papers.

Just because adults can see what is happening here doesn't mean she can - or ever will - see it in the same way. She is 15, full of hormones and angst, from a broken home which may or may not have a bearing on her falling for an older man.

squoosh · 26/09/2012 11:23

I'm pretty sure the law says that anyone under 12 cannot consent and anyone over 12 but still underage the charge will be unlawful sex.

nokidshere · 26/09/2012 11:23

She cannot consent to sex in the eyes of the law - but many 15 year olds (and younger) do so every day.

iknowwho · 26/09/2012 11:23

MissJay....... I thought you legally couldn't consent to sex if you are under 13 then a charge would be statutory rape. If consent is given under 16 I think the charge is unlawful sexual intercourse.

(From what I remember from my legal studies but may have got mixed up)

meditrina · 26/09/2012 11:23

Readers might be interested in this thread which explains possible offences in these circumstances under the Sexual Offences Act 2003.

meditrina · 26/09/2012 11:24

The charge wouldn't be "statutory" rape: that's a US term which is not used in UK law.

OhSoSimple · 26/09/2012 11:25

Hmmm my friend started going out with our old teacher (in the summer that she left Confused ) she was 18 he was 36. 20 years later they are still together, have several children and are blissfully happy.

I am horrified by this story but whether we like it or not they are in a relationship. But the term "relationship" has such a huge range of meanings ....

meditrina · 26/09/2012 11:26

(Sorry, should be English law, of course, though I think it is true too of all jurisdictions within UK).

Startailoforangeandgold · 26/09/2012 11:27

A 15 can have a relationship with a man a lot older than her. Many do some end up happily married.

But for a teacher to have a relationship with a 15 y old is different.

He's almost certainly known her since she was much younger and has probably been friendly to her for a long time.

I was friends with one of my teachers, at least I thought we were friends. Looking back I do wonder if his intentions were honourable. Choosing to spend your break chatting to a 12-13yo is odd.

He got me out of hot water with one of the other science teachers and gave me somewhere to go at break.

Did he mean to take it further, I don't know. He never right up to the day I was 18 tried it on in anyway. Had I had a rotten home life and been a properly vulnerable teen rather than simply one who got bullied a bit, I don't know.

As I got older I hung about in the library and then the sixth form room and my peer group matured and a lot of the bullying petered out. So I seeked sanctuary in his room less often.

All I do know is that he remarried just after I started university and his second wife was not much older than me.
He had a son in my class so he must have been twice her age probably more.

SayersIsBetterThanGreggs · 26/09/2012 11:29

Um, I was only 13 when I met my dp, he was quite a lot older, I wouldn't say I was manipulated or groomed......in fact 18 years on i'd say i'm the bossy cow in the relationship !

The fact is tho he was her teacher, he should have stepped back and been the adult, not encourage her to indulge in schoolgirl fantasies !

geegee888 · 26/09/2012 11:29

I can't work out what I find more creepy - his thinking he is in a relationship with her, or the media and people defending his actions.

I feel so sorry for the girl, missing out on her youth to be with this manipulative leech. What a shame she is not getting to make her own mistakes, learn her own lessons, with boys her own age.

iknowwho · 26/09/2012 11:29

Blimey! The laws around sex acts are a minefield!!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/09/2012 11:30

Anyone else got that old Police song going round in their heads... 'Don't Stand So Close To Me'?

Netguru · 26/09/2012 11:31

Met my first husband when I was 16 and he was 31.

We were together 20 years and had three kids.

Now, when I look back, and look at our children and their friends, I do wonder why he wanted a relationship with a 16 year old.

MrsHoarder · 26/09/2012 11:31

Also remember the police/family will be careful about language. They want Megan home and safe. This is more likely to happen if they aren't publicly saying he's a criminal. She's more likely to ring home if she feels her parents don't hate the man she probably thinks she's in love with.

SoozleQ · 26/09/2012 11:31

At the age of 15 I went out with a bloke who was 20. Admittedly nowhere near the same age gap and he wasn't my teacher, he was my badminton partner, but my point is I very much considered that we were in a relationship. My parents didn't like it much even though they did actually really like the bloke in question and, although I could not understand why at the time, I can totally see their point now.

I am pretty strong willed and was pretty sensible/prudish at that age so although there may have been a bit of fumbling it was actually all pretty innocent and we certainly never had sex! What amuses me now is that I was the one who eventually dumped him for being boring!

Viviennemary · 26/09/2012 11:33

She is old enough to know what she is doing is wrong. But the burden of blame goes on the teacher. He is an adult and also it makes it more shocking he is a teacher and should know this relationship should absolutely not be happening. I wonder what will happen to him.

perceptionreality · 26/09/2012 11:33

We don't know all the facts though - how do we know he groomed her? He may have, he may not have. I do believe that sometimes two people who are wrong for each other can think they are in love. Some 15 year olds are very mature, although certainly not capable of thinking like an adult in most cases.

That said, this is his fault in that he should have stopped the relationship because it's not appropriate. He is the adult so yes it is his fault the girl has run away with him.

thebeesnees79 · 26/09/2012 11:33

seriously! I remember being 15 myself and fancying the pants off one of my teachers. It never went anywhere because eeewww I was 15! & wtf would a grown man want with a 15 year old. Its wrong and he has totally taken advantage of his position of authority.

thebeesnees79 · 26/09/2012 11:35

iknowwho Its sex with a minor under 16 & 13 & under is rape (statutory rape as far as I am aware is an American legal system term)

nokidshere · 26/09/2012 11:35

but geegee888 why feel sorry for her? She is doing what she wants to do. She may or may not end up with this man permanantly. But she won't care what we all think of the relationship because she is 15 and she knows best. And she loves him!

Everyone always knows best when they are 15 don't they?

Its just that as adults we are only looking at it from an adults point of view - which is a hell of a lot more unsavoury than a 15 year olds.

And if he wasn't her teacher this would have not have escalated to the point that it has.

waltermittymissus · 26/09/2012 11:37

I think her being 15 is what's causing the grey area here. After all once she hits 16 it may be immoral but it won't be illegal.

The problem is that he's her teacher so it's a massive abuse of his position of trust.

Also, we have no idea how long he was 'grooming' her for. If he started say when she was 12 that's a whole different ball game and he goes from being quite creepy to a criminal!

Wigeon · 26/09/2012 11:37

The law says that a teacher having a sexual relationship with a pupil is committing a criminal offence by virtue of his position of trust over them, even if they are over the age of consent:

All teachers are considered to be in a position of trust with regard to their pupils

Under the Sexual Offences Act 2003, the abuse of a position of trust is a criminal offence

The age of consent for sexual intercourse is ordinarily 16, but this does not apply under this Act

Instead, a person over the age of 18, who is in a position of trust over a person under 18, commits a criminal offence if they involve the younger person in sexual activity

Above is take from the BBC news site.