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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think a 15 year old CANNOT be "in a relationship" with a 30 year old man.

131 replies

MissJayTea · 26/09/2012 11:02

She is under the age of consent.

He has groomed, manipulated and abused her.

They are NOT in a relationship. He is a grown man and she is a child. He is a paedophile and she is his victim!

Even the bbc news referred to them as being in a relationship.

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 26/09/2012 12:05

Whether she knows it or not, she is vulnerable and he isn't. He knows what he is doing is wrong. All I know is, if my DS was 15 and his 30 year old teacher ran off with him, I'd be hunting her down with the objective of wearing her eyeballs as earrings. This girl's parents must be beside themselves.

Bongaloo · 26/09/2012 12:08

I agree Squeakytoy.
Why is this having such high national news coverage?
Lots of us know of teacher/pupil relationships - but they weren't on telly.
& 15 year olds have run away without getting on the news.
Is there something to this story we don't yet know?
Is she in some sort of danger?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 26/09/2012 12:10

Isn't the story running because the school knew something was going on but kept it from the parents? I think the school's actions are under intense media scrutiny.

quesadilla · 26/09/2012 12:10

I don't think its as simple as this, to be honest. Not to say he isn't a hideous lech, and taking advantage of his position of responsibility, and manipulating her trust and naivety, because he certainly is doing all these things. He has behaved appallingly. But he's not quite a paedophile.

Someone pointed out earlier that had she been 16, it would all have been above board. Of course, there's no magical line that girls cross when they hit 16 that makes them mature and able to handle an "adult" relationship that they couldn't a day eariler at 15. Even if she'd been 17 or 18, the guy would still have been abusing his position.

But the reality is 15 year old girls can be astonishingly self-assured and sure they think they know what they want. They're not adults but they're not children either. A lot of the time they are wrong, of course, and particularly in choosing suitable partners. But in her own head, I'm sure this girl thinks she is pursuing the right course. If the teacher thinks he's found the love of his life (and presumably he's justifying it to himself like this to avoid the hideous conclusion he would draw if not) then they probably are living in this bubble of "us against the world" and until the bubble bursts they will cling to this.

And whatever else may be going through her head, you can bet she thinks she's in a relationship. Its an unequal relationship, to be sure, and one that she is unlikely to emerge well from. But it is a relationship, nonetheless.

dysfunctionalme · 26/09/2012 12:15

Bongaloo - I agree Squeakytoy.
Why is this having such high national news coverage? Lots of us know of teacher/pupil relationships - but they weren't on telly. & 15 year olds have run away without getting on the news.

Hmm I think pretty much any white schoolgirl running off with a teacher twice her age will trigger headlines.
Half the British are obsessed with sex and schoolgirls, and the other half are wretched with worry about their children's safety. This story cuts to the heart of the a huge percentage of readers.

15yos running away with boyfriends? Nope, that is totally normal.

Oh, and not all stories get in the papers simply because someone has to let the papers know. In this case it was police.

dysfunctionalme · 26/09/2012 12:17

quesadilla - I agree that what makes it more scary is that the teacher looks quite normal. He isn't greasy and shifty-eyed or clutching heavily thumbed paper bags.

OneMoreChap · 26/09/2012 12:19

OhSoSimple girl I quite fancied when I was at school (she was at another one!) decided she liked her English teacher. She was 16.

They started going out secretly, though widely known. She went to live with him as soon as she left school at 18, and last I checked they were still married.

She was definitely the mature grown up one in that relationship. Oddly enough, he left teaching, but I suspect that was stories that would follow him...

catstail · 26/09/2012 12:24

As far as I understand, "consensual" sex with an under 16 is only classed as rape if they are under 13. Ie, a 12 year old is deemed unable to consent therefore all sex with 12 year olds is rape, whereas some sex with 15 year olds is consensual but illegal and some is rape.

therewearethen · 26/09/2012 12:27

I met my now DP when I was 17 and he was 29, needless to say my parents weren't happy about it, but my experience differs quite considerably to 'Tamoo' we did have things in common, could agree on films etc and have the same taste in music. I could hold a conversation with his mates too, who were older than him. Just pub/drunken nonsense but I don't think he was embarrassed by me, and used to meet me from school (6 form) from time to time.

8 Years on we've got a DD 4 and I'm 23 wks pregnant.

This story has made me think because although he was in no way a person in authority, we met in a club which was for over 25's, our age gap isn't that different. I might grill him when he gets in from work and find out exactly why a grown man would want a relationship with a teenager Grin

manticlimactic · 26/09/2012 12:33

nokidshere - haven't seen the news today but I'm sure yesterday the parents said they had no idea. They were even asking other parents at the school if they would have wanted to be told about an investigation.

Birdsgottafly · 26/09/2012 12:35

there's no magical line that girls cross when they hit 16

They have finished their first level education, can get work and/or benefits/housing.

Most women who stay in abusive relationships do so because of a lack of financial independance.

15yos running away with boyfriends? Nope, that is totally normal.

Normal would be with another teen, kipping on a mates couch, till they got fed up of each other and went home, not fleeing the country, paid for by the bf.

maybenow · 26/09/2012 12:37

Nobody knows yet if they are having sex. While it seems likely, it is not our place, and certainly not the role of the BBC to state that they are without knowing for sure.

People need to just calm down and wait for all the facts Sad

cantspel · 26/09/2012 12:37

I cant see how the parents would have had no idea if they were interviewed and their phones taken away by the police last week.
Surely at 15 the police would not have been able to interview her without her parents being present and at 15 she is too young to hold a contract phone in her own name so it must be in one of her parents names so surely the police would need their consent for that as well.

EnjoyGOLDResponsibly · 26/09/2012 12:37

I'm wondering what happens when the money runs out, which is more likely to happen sooner than them actually being caught.

He's the one that's lost everything: job, home, marriage. He can't just come back, he's going to be arrested and possibly charged.

Will he go postal when it finally dawns on him that he's right up shit creek? That's the reason there should be a concerted effort to find this child (in the eyes of the law) sooner rather than later IMO.

mumnosGOLDisbest · 26/09/2012 12:39

Agree with sammy i think. At 16 i was seeing a 29yr old, my 1st love and it lasted 2 yrs. Its not so different. If they'd met somewhere else i think it would be ok but not while he's her teacher. Teachers cannot get involved with pupils of any age, end of!

Hemlet · 26/09/2012 12:41

I remember when I was 15, I 'met' a 30-odd year old bloke through a dating phoneline (this was about 13 years ago before dating websites were prolific). My God I put my poor parents through Hell. I was a gawky, unattractive teenager and this older man was giving me attention and telling me I was gorgeous.

I insisted that I loved him, he said he loved me too. We met up once, nothing happened as even at 15 I was clueless about sex (was still something my friends and I giggled over). Luckily I saw sense and that was that. My parents didn't get involved too much as they knew that I would rebel and maybe even go off with him if they pushed it too far.

The only thing my Dad did was phone the guy up and call him disgusting and that he'd better leave me alone - this was before we met up though, so didn't get through.

Nothing much to add, but just wanted to say that even at 15 some girls aren't as clued up as they might seem to be.

quietlysuggests · 26/09/2012 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dysfunctionalme · 26/09/2012 12:43

maybe - i think the Leaving-the-country-with-your-teacher-at-15 and not telling your parents is a bit of an issue too

LesleyPumpshaft · 26/09/2012 12:47

I feel very bad for that girl, I'm sure she will look back at this when she is older and shudder at her teacher's vile predatory behaviour.

Emsiero · 26/09/2012 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Emsiero · 26/09/2012 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OldCatLady · 26/09/2012 13:15

I may be going against the grain here, but I think if she is happy and left on her own accord, what's the problem?

Though, this totally depends on circumstances. When I was 15 I had a relationship with a 26 year old, both consenting, both happy, I was very mature for my age, so I get the age gap thing.

I've also had relationships with people in 'trusted' positions that could be seen that they took advantage; my uni lecturer for example. But this is simply not the case, we both fancied each other, regardless of his position.

Yeah it's a little weird, but if she's mature enough to be in a relationship, I don't think it matters what age he is. And so long as he did not 'use' his potion to manipulate her, then it's also irrelevant that he's her teacher.

autumnlights12 · 26/09/2012 13:19

my Dad was my Mum's teacher from 13-16.After she'd left the school, and was returning in the evening to do a keep fit class there, aged 18, he asked her out. They were together for 30 years until he died, 3 kids together (i'm the eldest) and I never heard so much as a raised voice between the two of them, they were very much in love. An 18 yr old ex pupil is different to a 15 year old current pupil though.

Fishwife1949 · 26/09/2012 13:20

SammyTheSwedishSquirrel i am sure your dad didnt groom her on line

Was upfront ith your mums parents

Was not married at the time

And did not work in the same place as your granddad making them work collages

Also i sure your dad did not cross borders with your mum at 15

So whilest i still bulk at the idea of a grown man finding a young girl attractive it seems you dad at least stoop up for the choice he made and did thongs legally

dysfunctionalme · 26/09/2012 13:21

OldCatLady it's a fair question. But she is not going on her own accord. She has no accord of her own so long as she is a) a child and b) in the company of an adult with parental-level responsibilities ie. her teacher. It cannot be an equal relationship and therefore her own consent cannot be available.