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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For this little girl to have put me off sending dc to private school.

367 replies

reallythough · 22/09/2012 18:44

Name-changed as I have a feeling I'm going to get flamed and I'm a bit scared.

We are unsure of whether to send our dc to private school or state school at the moment, we have one starting school next September.

DC who will be starting school next year attends pre-school at a nursery attached to a private school which we really love, the staff are brilliant, dc is very happy and has lots of friends. Last week I picked dc up and walking out of the school an 11ish year old girl and her siblings ran out shouting 'oh Daddy you've got your new Range, look at Daddy's new Range everyone' on repeat about 5/6 times whilst looking around to show everyone that she didn't know (it was a particularly nice car).

I don't want our dc growing up surrounded by people who place importance on materialistic posessions at such a young age. It made me wonder whether a state school will be a more organic surrounding for dc to grow in rather than the quite narrow selection of people they will be socialising with at an independent.

I read something the other day about how we try to re-create our own childhood for our children and I went to private school but after juniors was desperately unhappy there and felt trapped. I am not criticising the girl at all but it did remind me that on the whole a lot of the people I went to private school with were very materialistic and quite narrow minded. AIBU for this to have jolted me to have a serious re-think?

OP posts:
janey68 · 22/09/2012 19:24

You're being ridiculous on the basis of one child's behaviour

Clearly you are having misgivings so need to talk through exactly why you feel private school might be the best place for your dd (IMO one of the downsides of private is that it often seems to result in parents feeling obliged to replicate for their own children; I guess it's a fear of the unknown. I have known privately educated parents who put themselves through all sorts of financial pressure to do the same for their own kids- and interestingly it's the case even where the parents haven't got particularly high flying skills or careers

Think hard about what you want. Seems you have misgivings and this girl is a convenient hook to hang your uncertainties on

CanIOfferYouAPombear · 22/09/2012 19:25

Which range was it? We've just got our new evoque!

AnOldieButNotSoGoody · 22/09/2012 19:26

Craziness.

And I don't believe you.

Kids who are brought up with range rovers and the like don't bat an eyelid when daddy gets a new one.

But do whatever you want.

MarshaBrady · 22/09/2012 19:28

Is it Range now days?

No rover. Best bit.

As for schools, I'd say you need more information.

ickywickyyicky · 22/09/2012 19:30

Well the nearest village state primary is like a posh 4x4 car show room complete with Victoria Beckham look a like mothers; and the prep school in town has people who keep 10 year old cars - cos they still work so why change them! - as well as more swanky ones.

meditrina · 22/09/2012 19:32

There is no difference between the child of a rich family being excited by a new car, the child of a middling family being excited by a new car and the child ofapoor family being excited by a new car.

In unless you are a Top Gear fiend (and IMHO yr6 girls generally aren't), children have only the haziest idea of relative cost of different types of vehicle.

If squawkings of one pupil who clearly has one-off reason to be excited about something outweigh all your research and gut instinct about what happens in the classroom, then yes I think this will not be the school for you.

AnOldieButNotSoGoody · 22/09/2012 19:35

Excellent point and post meditrina

Fairylea · 22/09/2012 19:38

Yanbu. Sorry. I agree. And I don't think the op is being thick. Sometimes it takes one thing or person to make you see the big picture.

I went to private school on a scholarship. I never felt on the same level as anyone else financially and although I was never teased it was uncomfortable. I was much happier at normal college where I went to as I left private after just a year.

I would never send my dc to private school even if I could afford it.

Original poster
reallythough · 22/09/2012 19:40

Thanks zippy

I think you hit the nail on the head janey I am really uncertain over what to do and probably looking for excuses. DH went to state and is a bit lead by me with regards to schooling which as you can see is probably not for the best.

It was a big range rover (maybe vogue?) not the evoque, lovely though!

Not a stealth boast as we would be stretching ourselves a little to afford private. We are definitely going to be looking at all of the local schools before making any choice.

OP posts:
Original poster
reallythough · 22/09/2012 19:41

*led

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 22/09/2012 19:41

yes but this isnt about avowed anti private school
it's curious how easily op apparently swayed
more telling is op reflection on her bad experiences at private school

thebody · 22/09/2012 19:42

Unless you are choosing Eton, harrow or Cheltenham ladies college then quite frankly why bother.

Our local state school high school got better GCSE grades than the local private. It was sooooo funny.

I have friends with kids at private school who work mad hours to send them there. Wtf!!!

Mine went to a good state, loved it,2 at uni.

What the fuck is an 'organic' environment..

SkippyYourFriendEverTrue · 22/09/2012 19:42

I send my son to prep school and constantly point out to my children that 4x4 drivers are arseholes. I shouldn't, but I can't help it.

Dozer · 22/09/2012 19:42

Grin netguru "Mine were utterly uninterested by my husbands latest merc. It looked the same as the last one."

Original poster
reallythough · 22/09/2012 19:46

OK saying 'organic' did make me look like a bit of a twat, what I mean is people from lots of different backgrounds. I had friends from every background possible and I think it made me more rounded whereas friends from private school still only associate with each other and seem to gravitate towards others who are privately educated.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 22/09/2012 19:47

if you have misgivings don't go private
if you have no misgiving go private
you need to be able afford and feel comfortable with your choice

scottishmummy · 22/09/2012 19:49

school in good catchment have inflated house price
and predominately attract mc parents
There not necessarily range of pupils at state.not as equitable as you may hope for

MarshaBrady · 22/09/2012 19:51

Forget this one incident and go and look at the state and the private again.

If you still don't feel comfortable go for state.

AnOldieButNotSoGoody · 22/09/2012 19:52

skippy you send your ds to a private school but point out 4 x 4 drivers are arseholes??

That's hilarious Hmm

MissBetseyTrotwood · 22/09/2012 19:54

Kids are all into 'stuff', wherever they go to school. My DCs go to a rough (but good) school in a rough area and it's labels and who's got what there too; just in a different way. His friends mostly have xboxes, or wiis or whatever they are and those seem the major form of boast.

I agree with scottishmummy on this. You seem to be uneasy about the choice anyway and this incident is just adding fuel to the fire.

QuintessentialShadows · 22/09/2012 20:00

My children have received an excellent education and have had a great time at our local voluntary aided Catholic primary. Granted that it is highly rated by Ofsted, and in an affluent area. But we are very happy with our childrens' level of education and their social environment. Check out the local state primaries too!

We are considering private for secondary for our boys, having saved a fortune in school fees so far....

Bear in mind that fee paying primaries are not very selective at that age, the only criteria with most is that their parents can afford want to pay. This does not necessarily guarantee that the child's attainment is matched by the astronomic cost!

A few friends with children in private primaries, have been concerned that large proportion of parents in their child's class have been taken aside and told that they must not assume their child will naturally progress into the secondary at 11+ as the entrance criteria at secondary level means that their child is unlikely to get in!

I understand their frustration, having paid between 9-12 k per year in fees for 6 years, they would hope their child's level was high enough to secure a place in the secondary!

thebody · 22/09/2012 20:06

To the poster saying 4 by 4 drivers are all twats, do you fly at all?

I needed one to run my very successful childminding business as needed the 7 seats. Also parents were very grateful that I could do pick ups and drop offs in winter if needed.

Also why would you use language like 'twat' infront of your kids, eeew

FreudiansGoldSlipper · 22/09/2012 20:07

We just taken ds out of a state school (not out choices of school) and he is now is a prep school. On his last day conversation I overheard was a from a mother of a little girl in ds class calling her a fucking little bitch. This would not put me off a state school but she was not the only one I heard speak so badly about and toward their child so yes added to the list of why he should not been at that particular school.

EugenesAxe · 22/09/2012 20:09

Nah I wouldn't - I think you'll find families like this in all walks of life.

Just teach your children the values you think are 'right' and they'll be OK.

I would go private purely to limit the chances of having a child that says 'like' every other fucking word. But I agree on the success rates thing anyway... my friend who went private said low-achieving pupils were mysteriously exited by GCSE year. Possibly baloney but I'll repeat it anyway.

And then family friend who paid through the nose to send his son to high-achieving private school - on arrival at Oxford they met someone in the same year who'd got in courtesy of the local state.

scarlettsmummy2 · 22/09/2012 20:13

I think it really boils down to how good the local state primary are. If they are good there really isn't any need to go private unless money really is no option. The only reason we went private was because the local primary is genuinely dire and I am a secret snob, and we like our house and can't be bothered to move into a good catchment area in Edinburgh as we would compromise our standard of house.