Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To complain about cold and unfriendly teaching assistant?

273 replies

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts · 20/09/2012 22:48

DD2 has just begun in reception at the school where my DD1 is. It is a lovely school...just gorgeous and everyone is happy with it.

However...there is a teaching assistant there who is so unfriendly as to appear hostile. She's in the reception class and she is one of those people who has a cold expression all the time.

Today I said "Hi...good morning!" to her as I left DD to go into the line up and she looked at me like I was a piece of shit. No exaggeration...she looked directly into my eyes and kept her face still with a cold expression.

It was quite upsetting to then watch my DD go in there...under her care...even partially! She's done this on another occasion but I put it down to maybe she was having a bad morning.

My question is this...should I give her one more chance to pick up her demeanor... keep being friendly....and if she carries on, then complain to the HT? or the teacher?

I just don't feel happy about it.

OP posts:
ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 20/09/2012 23:26

Sorry, I know I've already made a post, but honestly! You, as a parent of a child who has been in school a couple of weeks, want to complain because a member of staff didn't smile at you. Had you thought that:
a) she was having a health scare
b) she may have been up all night with a sick child
c) she may have just had to put her parent into a care home
d) she hit a cat driving into work
e) she had just been receiving complicated directions on how to handle a particular child with severe SEN or behavioural difficulties
f) she is worried to death about money

In fact several million things.

And had you thought that:
a) you may make yourself look rather ridiculous
b) .....well, just a) really.

MissAnnersley · 20/09/2012 23:26

Okay, so your DD is very happy. That's great news for you. She is enjoying school.

The school is there to meet your daughter's needs. They are being met.

The school is, according to you, lovely. I think you should focus on the positives and try very hard not to sweat the small stuff. And this is very small stuff in the scheme of things.

flow4 · 20/09/2012 23:26

BTW, the people saying it doesn't matter how staff treat parents aren't right... There's very good evidence that how staff treat parents affects how much parents get involved in their children's early years education; and how much parents get involved affects children's progress and attainment. Put simply: kids do better if parents are involved, and parents get involved if they feel welcome. There's more info here if anyone's interested: peal.org.uk/

'Parent partnership' is important... But I'd still give your daughter's TA some time OP, and see if she relaxes and becomes more friendly in a couple of weeks... :)

Nanny0gg · 20/09/2012 23:26

Do you go into your bank and complain that the cashier didn't smile at you?
Or Sainsbury?
Or anywhere else?

Unless your DC have a problem, her demeanor is really none of your business. I know you're concerned about your child's welfare, and suddenly they're at school and out of your sight and control, but sometimes I wonder if it would be better as it was when I was at school. My mother set foot in school once a year for Parents' Evening and that was that.

WofflingOn · 20/09/2012 23:27

If a parent makes a spurious and foolish complaint, we do tend to laugh about it.
Then remember the parent as a special snowflake who is to be handled with extreme caution at all times.

ilovesooty · 20/09/2012 23:27

Unbalanced ?

Good grief.

MrDobalina · 20/09/2012 23:27

No she doesnt NEED to be anything that you think she should be, based on what you think she should be...she just needs to do her job, as defined by her employer.

complain if you must, but you are being a wanker

WilsonFrickett · 20/09/2012 23:27

flow DS was at the same nursery for 4.5 years and the development I saw from some of the staff there who could barely look me in the eye at the first parents' session, through to when we left was amazing. You are spot on with that post. We aren't born being professional, it's a skill we have to learn.

TheCalmingManatee · 20/09/2012 23:28

No bigfat, if a parent were to make a RIDICULOUS complaint such as the one you are considerin (i really hope you do it!!) making - the head teacher will be very diplomatic and apologise that you felt "dissed", will wander off muttering about having her time wasted by entitled parents.

(feels quite proud that i have actually had genuine cause to say entitled on a thread)

Original poster
BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts · 20/09/2012 23:28

Flow I actually feel too intimidated to pop in...I was going to pop in but she put me right off so that evidence is bloody right.

I wish people would stop saying I am unpleasant...I may have got emotional about this woman but I am NOT mean...I am nice. I have also said I wont complain so you can all stop the jibes about "Go on then...complain and see where it gets you"

Because all that does is make you lot look mean.

OP posts:
ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 20/09/2012 23:29

Why do you feel too intimidated to pop in? I thought you said the school was lovely.

remsby · 20/09/2012 23:29

Some people are a bit mean and this TA might be too. If I was op I would also worry about whether this lady would be kind to the children. I'd give it a bit longer to firm up your impressions though.

Original poster
BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts · 20/09/2012 23:29

She is not a new TA btw. She's been there for a while.

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 20/09/2012 23:29

They're on a roll OP, I'd hide the thread if I were you and chalk it up to experience Wink.

Original poster
BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts · 20/09/2012 23:30

It IS lovely Ariel...but I feel nervous of popping in because when I did, they were all busy and I felt shy to ask about DDs progression or like I would appear fussy..

OP posts:
Original poster
BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts · 20/09/2012 23:31

akae reckon you're right! I'd better run for the bloody hills....the wolves are coming.

OP posts:
ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 20/09/2012 23:31

Sorry if you think MN is being mean but this kind of bollocks from parents makes me MAD. Teaching assistants do a very difficult job for crap wages and you get parents who seem to think that they are the TA's customers and that the customer is always right.

WofflingOn · 20/09/2012 23:32

We like parents to help in class who are non-judgmental and open to working with a wide range of adults and children and not individuals who are easy to slight or offend unintentionally. You'd end up with everyone having to be on high alert at all times which is an extra unwanted level of stress in a school.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 20/09/2012 23:33

And I'm sure you will have ample opportunity for communicating with the teacher about your child's progress. Ask for an appointment and go in to discuss it. Ask to see their policy on it if you must.

bbface · 20/09/2012 23:33

Couthymow,, in an interview for a TA position, it is highly likely that the head would have asked something along the lines of 'and tell me about how you would interact with the parents'. I don't suppose 'grumpy and off-hand'would have been a response that the head would have ignored as being irrelevant in her selection of the successful applicant.

Whilst I think the OP really needs to bide her time to establish whether this is a problem, and that it is way way too early to be doing anything and may in fact be better just to suck it up, I think it is daft to think that a ta's interactions with parents is irrelevant.

Ok, not to make the grave mistake of a previous poster in comparing a TA to a shop assistant or a hotel worker, how about a doctor?!! A doc's duty of care is to his patient, NOT to the patient's family. However, one would still expect the doctor to be approachable and informative to the family.

MrDobalina · 20/09/2012 23:33

actually OP I am wondering if you are feeling emotional about your dd starting school? is she your youngest? could you be projecting some of your angst onto the TAs unfortunate facial expression?...Tis the kind of thing i do when I am stressed (albeit with some self awareness of it)

TheCalmingManatee · 20/09/2012 23:33

I think the thing is, the OP came on with her "complaint" and people, quite nicely said, ah, you know, you may have misread, she might have something on her mind, etc etc give her another chance, but oh no, this wasn't good enough - so based only on our responses, we have been deemed as "mean" because we don't agree with her.

We had a mother like this at her school, took great umbrage over the slightest little thing, was complaining at the school at the drop of a hat, if people didn't pander to her she would carry on as if some sort of mortal insult had been recieved. Then if anything she perceived as a criticism of her little precious occured, all hell would break loose! Thankfully, she has now flounced and taken her child to a "niace" private school.

WofflingOn · 20/09/2012 23:33

If you want to discuss DD's progress, that conversation should be with the teacher, not the TA.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 20/09/2012 23:34

If a parent complained that a TA had "looked at me like I was a piece of shit" then yes, the staff room consensus would probably be that the parent in question would be best avoided. It's just too vague and over sensitive to have merit.

If she had spoken to you in an inappropriate way I would have some sympathy. But it was just a look. Perceived by you as showing a lack of respect, but still just a look

MrDobalina · 20/09/2012 23:35

bbface if a doctor is grumpy and crap, id be upset; if a doctor is grumpy but brilliant I would pay no mind to his unfriendliness