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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to babysit this elderly lady?

391 replies

hoopyloopy2 · 20/09/2012 22:30

I have just booked a once in a lifetime trip to see an old friend in Australia. Having heard about it, someone I know (not a close friend) has asked me if I would mind her booking her elderly mother (80s) on same flight so i can keep an eye on her on the trip (the mum has been thinking of visiting family there but apparently reluctant to travel alone). I really don't want to - this trip is a big treat for me, costing me a lot of money, and with two DCs at home, the flight was going to be some long-awaited me-time. AIBU if I say I can't help? And if not, what on earth do I say without looking like an uncharitable old cow?!

OP posts:
pictish · 21/09/2012 12:42

The OP doesn't have to reassure her friend of anything of the sort! It's not her problem! She is required to be involved in this old lady's travel plans not one iota!!

expatinscotland · 21/09/2012 12:45

None of this is this is the OP's problem because she doesn't want it to be! No obligation to reassure this cheeky friend, meet the mother, find out what's required, find details of assisted travel, pay homage to the karma pixies, whatever.

Don't lie, don't beat around the bush, just 'No, that doesn't work for me.'

SuoceraBlues · 21/09/2012 12:47

To the Karma pushers.

How about you lot band together and offer to pay for and/or provide accompnaiment for this lady.

I'm sure the OP will pass on your contact details to the family.

See so far nobody has asked anything of you except advice, but now there is an active role on the table for your good selves that requires more that passive aggresive quips and preachy rhymes.

Put your time and effort where your collective mouths are, or shut the fuck up.

pictish · 21/09/2012 12:48

A good point well made there.

LettyAshton · 21/09/2012 12:50

Interesting moral dilemma - love the poems!

I agree I would keep a low profile and hope the asker would reconsider.

It is material what sort of person the lady in her 80s is. When out and about my mil was a nightmare and would have no qualms about commanding asking complete strangers to fetch and carry for her or accompany her to the loo. It would be awful if the OP were obliged to provide a full caring service with all the accompanying responsibilities.

Trills · 21/09/2012 12:51

I like quiet on a plane
And this sounds like a pain

TittyWhistles · 21/09/2012 12:52

I'm sure this elderly lady probably doesn't want to 'be babysat'. I doubt you'll have to hold her hand/carry her luggage/wipe her arse. She'll probably have a good book and a bag of sweets and will suffer your conversations about how much you 'deserve me me me time' with grace and courtesy.
She might actually be fascinating and independent. Like my mother who would love to visit her family in NZ but wouldn't undertake a flight alone as she's never spent more than a day by herself in 50 years and it slightly unnerves her.

catwoo · 21/09/2012 12:53

The OP doesn't have to reassure her friend of anything of the sort! It's not her problem!

pictish of couse doesn't 'have to' , but most people try to be nice.

snuffaluffagus · 21/09/2012 12:54

Where are you doing your stop over? I can see how it might be daunting to someone who isn't used to travel to go such a long way but in fairness, that's not really your problem!

I've done the journey a couple of times, once stopping at Singapore for a few days and once at Abu Dhabi for a few hours whilst waiting for a connecting flight. I'm assuming you'd have to be with her for this time too (as this is probably the most "worrying" time for someone - catching the connecting flight etc).

It's quite a commitment of time - I assume she'd be travelling on the return journey with you too?

I can understand your reluctance really.. just be vague about your plans and say you're considering making a stop over or something.

Floggingmolly · 21/09/2012 12:58

Why is the daughter asking you to do this instead of doing it herself?
Because the op is going to Australia, and the daughter isn't?
She only bloody asked Hmm.
If she'd asked the op to change her flight to New Zealand instead because that's where the old lady fancied going, there might be a reason for all the outrage at her utter cheek.

CassandraApprentice · 21/09/2012 13:00

catwoo - I think there is a difference between being nice and being a doormat and taking on responsibility that this ladies family should be managing.

This ladies family is trying to assuage their guilt and responsibility to their relative by trying to shove it onto OP to OP detriment.

It's a long haul flight and unspecified responsibility to a unknown person all for the benefit of someone the OP 'knows' but isn't close to. The OP is now wasting her time and energy worrying trying to avoid a problem or having to accept a responsibility that isn't anything to do with her.

MULLYPEEP · 21/09/2012 13:02

Don't do it if you don't want to. You'll end up feeling resentful. She had the right to ask and you have the right to say no. Tell her you will be zonked out on seeing tabs so can't take on the responsibility. Enjoy your trip!

MULLYPEEP · 21/09/2012 13:02

Sleeping tabs

expatinscotland · 21/09/2012 13:02

'pictish of couse doesn't 'have to' , but most people try to be nice. '

So the OP isn't nice if she doesn't take this on? Hmm

The one who isn't nice is this cheeky 'friend'.

Viviennemary · 21/09/2012 13:05

I'd rather look after somebody's quads for a week than do this. Presuming not many people have quads. Grin

Miltonia · 21/09/2012 13:07

YANBU

I wouldn't do it and I think the acquaintance is extremely unreasonable to ask.

Assisted travel is the way to go. Let the professionals take the strain.

Say no it is far too big a responsibility, and do not enter negotiations. Do not comment further. If she pushes it she is no friend at all.

QuintessentialShadows · 21/09/2012 13:14

When my friends 80 year old father wanted to go to Thailand to visit his son and family (My friends brother lives and work in Thailand, is married and has an 18 year old daughter), my friend took him there. She stayed in Thailand a week, left her dad behind and flew home. 3 months later his grand daughter flew him back home, and she had a few weeks visiting family in Europe, and seeing London with my friend.

That is the way to do it. Family on either end factor in the cost of accompanying.

I would not want to take the responsibility of a perhaps frail elderly person on a long hall flight. Unless I had my ticket paid! Grin

pictish · 21/09/2012 13:15

catwoo - given that you are so nice - why don't you find out about assisted travel for this lady?

What's that you say? It's nothing to do with you?

Well quite. It's nothing to do with the OP either.

SuoceraBlues · 21/09/2012 13:16

Floggingmolly

I think the outrage lies in the main with the surge of posts that indicate shaming women into the status quo of constant self sacrifice of ones' pleasures in the name of being "not a bad person" is still the problem it ever was.

Cos it is utter bullshit that this would be asked of a bloke and even more bullshit that he would face the same amount of (passive aggressive) pressure to set his own desires aside for the sake of somebody else's.

The lady wants to go on holiday, they are not asking for a lift to the hospital so she can get needed treatment. Their desire for their family member to be in safe hands, and the lady's desire to visit Australia in a manner that is within her comfort zone in no way trumps the OP's desire to enjoy every single bit of "me time" of her much looked forward to trip.

Especially since there are solutions that do not require imposing on a friend. Airlines can and do organise additional help for the elderly in the same way they do for unaccompanied minors.

ZacharyQuack · 21/09/2012 13:17

Just quote Phoebe Buffay "I'd like to help, but I don't want to."

pictish · 21/09/2012 13:18

I do love that quote. The way she delivers it is just peachy! Grin

Merrin · 21/09/2012 13:22

I wouldnt do it. I would also feel guilty as you presumably do or you wouldnt be mulling it over so much. YANBU. Say no as you will be taking a sedative for the flight/panic attacks and be in no fit state to chat for such a long time to someone you dont know.

SuoceraBlues · 21/09/2012 13:22

actually, I want to rewrite a bit of that last post...

"and the lady's desire to visit Australia in a manner that is within her comfort zone in no way trumps the OP's desire to visit Australia in a manner that is within her comfort zone"

There. Like it that way better.

yesiamgreedy · 21/09/2012 13:22

I have done that flight many times and love doing it alone.

But the one thing that would swing it for me would be if the woman upgraded us both to Business Class.

I'd rather do it Business with a companion and a caring duty than in blissful solitude in Economy. All the movies-on-demand and mini bottles of wine won't stop you arriving in Australia feeling utterly fucking wrecked if you've been in Economy. Business is better for elderly circulation too - you don't want to have to deal with a woman with a DVT in the arrivals hall of Sydney Airport.

By all means say no if you don't want to do it (and without any guilt at all). But personally I'd sound out the acquaintance about whether she had a vast supply of air miles (or cash Wink) to use up.

HellonHeels · 21/09/2012 13:23

YANBU. I would not do this. I've flown to Australia/New Zealand many times; it's a long hard flight and I would not want to be responsible for someone else during the flight. I have enough on my plate getting to the airport, onto the plane, off at the stopover, collecting bags, back on etc.

I've flown with my own elderly but mobile mother over this distance and looked after her and that has been very hard work, heaving around two sets of luggage, steering her in the right direction, helping her to find her travel docs, taking care of her when she got sick (she gets sick on flights), swapping meals when she didn't fancy the one she had ordered etc. I didn't mind doing that for my own mum but wouldn't want to put myself through it for a stranger.

All you people saying OP is being unreasonable, what would happen if this elderly woman fell seriously ill on the flight, sick enough to require flight diversion or offloading for medical help at the stopover point? Would OP then be required to break her journey, accompany an elderly woman to hospital, make arrangements, try to deal with insurance? Would her own travel insurance cover her to do this for a person not related to her and not officially in her travel party?

It's an unreasonable request.