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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to babysit this elderly lady?

391 replies

hoopyloopy2 · 20/09/2012 22:30

I have just booked a once in a lifetime trip to see an old friend in Australia. Having heard about it, someone I know (not a close friend) has asked me if I would mind her booking her elderly mother (80s) on same flight so i can keep an eye on her on the trip (the mum has been thinking of visiting family there but apparently reluctant to travel alone). I really don't want to - this trip is a big treat for me, costing me a lot of money, and with two DCs at home, the flight was going to be some long-awaited me-time. AIBU if I say I can't help? And if not, what on earth do I say without looking like an uncharitable old cow?!

OP posts:

lashingsofbingeinghere · 21/09/2012 10:25

I have made the journey to Oz and back a few times and I would absolutely not want to be feeling I had to make conversation with somebody, let alone look after them. Assisted flight sounds like the right thing to do.

As for this karma stuff, well, at the risk of freaking out the OP, what if she agrees to accompany the lady, so they both make the flight, and it goes down in flames? Is that karma too?

Birdsgottafly · 21/09/2012 10:26

The first thing that most would do is ask what she is like, surely. There may not be any particular 'needs'.

My mum has just lost her mobility at 84, but still likes a drink, at 80, she would have easily found others to chat to, a few men to flirt with and got on the Whiskey, done some crosswords/read a book and then had a sleep.

She was working as a lollypop lady at 80, my nan was still working the markets.

All my mum would need is a bit of company in the Airport.

Nobody would bat an eye if a bloke was not keen on a request of this nature

Most men i know would see it as having a drinking companion.

If you really don't like socialising, then just say no.

To use the term 'babysitting', unless you would use it for any adult of any age, that you are keeping company, is offensive.

biff23 · 21/09/2012 10:26

Ditto Arthur Fowler, I'm not the most social of people and am fine with people I know well but really would prefer my own company in this situation. It would probably escalate to you sitting with her. If you're sitting next to a stranger you can chit chat, read, iPod, ignore etc but you would feel more obliged to talk etc with this lady as it has been pre-arranged.

I would also say that I'm a nervous flyer and will be better alone so I can zone out.

SuoceraBlues · 21/09/2012 10:27

I don't think a man travelling alone would be even asked to do this kind of favour

I agree.

blisterpack · 21/09/2012 10:30

A drinking companion? Most men would consider an 80 year old lady as a drinking companion?

AnyoneforTurps · 21/09/2012 10:33

There may not be any particular 'needs'

There clearly is some sort of need, or the OP wouldn't have been asked to do this massive favour in the first place.

piprabbit · 21/09/2012 10:39

All the OP has actually been asked to do is "keep an eye" on an eighty year old lady.
She has not been asked to meet any particular needs. Until she meets the lady or talks to her friend, she wont even know if there are any special needs.
However, I quite understand it if she simply prefers not to get involved at all.

QuangleWangleQuee · 21/09/2012 10:39

blisterpack That made me laugh. I assume they meant if they were asked to sit with an old man they would see them as a drinking companion.

SuoceraBlues · 21/09/2012 10:39

Most men i know would see it as having a drinking companion

How many have actually been asked ?

Because I can't see many humans being overjoyed at a drinking partner when asked to accompany somebody else's elderly mother on one of the longest long haul flights possible.

I doubt many women have actually been asked, becuase most people would consider it a massive favour to ask and shy away from even verbalising it.

I'd hazzard a guess that compared to the women asked the number of men asked are but teeny tiny "I need a single hand to count them on" group.

Worth also bearing in mind that what men and women claim they'd feel/say/do in the hypothetical doesn't always have all that much similarity to what they'd actually do when it's no longer somebody else's time, energy and discomfort in the "cons" column.

It's easy to be a hero in one's own immagination.

TheEnglishWomanInTheAttic · 21/09/2012 10:40

I think this was a hugely presumptuous thing for the friend to ask tbh - it doesn't matter whether the 80 year old lady is delightful/ fascinating/ fun company or irritating/ demanding/ needy/ rude (she could be either or somewhere between), asking somebody who doesn't know her to take responsibility for her / act as a companion for her on a very, very long flight simply as a favour is a really massive imposition and puts the OP in an awkward position.

I would hate to be asked to look after somebody else's elderly relative - or teenage relative, or anyone else who might be slightly too vulnerable to fly alone but want formal assistance from staff, on such a very long flight - I'd be OK about it on a short haul flight but not one where you want/ need to sleep etc.

If its not a close friend I think I'd just say no, sorry, this is a once in a lifetime trip which I am not taking my children on and a large part of what I am looking forward to is the alone time to read/ sleep/ think/ have a drink/ ponder the meaning of life while travelling!

Thingiebob · 21/09/2012 10:45

Ask your friend what is it her mother needs. If it is assistance, she can book assisted travel. If it is company, be honest. say I'm looking forward to time on my own and this is part of the expensive once in a lifetime trip and you don't want to be responsible for another person.

Give her the details of assisted travel.

JuliaFlyte · 21/09/2012 10:46

YABU

Most people sleep, eat and watch movies on long haul flights. This lady is probably nervous about navigating through large aiports for changeovers etc, my mum has done this trip several times now and was very anxious about it the first time. She would have really appreciated someone just walking with her and helping her to find her way.

You will be 80 yourself one day and may hate having to ask for help as you were a previously independant person who liked to be able to do everything on your own. How would you feel in her position?

It's not about karma it's about being kind.

OneHandFlapping · 21/09/2012 10:53

We're not obliged to be kind to acquaintances asking massive, and unrepayable favours!

OneHandFlapping · 21/09/2012 10:53

Or their mothers!

Herrena · 21/09/2012 10:55

I'd do it, I think. I get that the flight is long-awaited me-time (SOOO get that, I've got 2 DC myself) but maybe the fact that you'd be dealing with a new person (not your DCs/DH/family) will make the experience feel less like a chore. I personally would feel a bit mean if I said no.

Can see what you mean about not particularly wanting to though. My dad is Arab and I've been asked several times to keep other female teenagers (from his country) company on flights, as they/their families get a bit nervous about solo flying I'm an old pro I did feel awkward having to make conversation at the time but I look back on the experience afterwards and feel good for having done it. I mention nationality because IME the British like to be left alone whilst travelling and I definitely share that characteristic, whereas my dad doesn't understand it at all!

If both you and the lady in question are a bit embarrassed about the situation then she will probably take care to not impose on your ear too much anyway.
There is also the possibility that she might sleep for a large part of it! Or you can go to sleep yourself :)

OhSoSimple · 21/09/2012 11:11

YANBU this is your holiday of a lifetime, an opportunity for YOU! If it was just keeping an eye on her on the flight that would be one thing, but it could be well be you will end up helping with baggage, tickets, what about the stop over?

No, do not let people guilt trip you into doing something you are not comfortable with. You are not being mean because you have made plans for yourself as an individual and do not want to look after someone else's elderly mother. I think your colleague has a cheek to even ask!

Why should you have to find out about her needs and requirements?! This is your holiday. Enjoy it the way you planned it.

suburbophobe · 21/09/2012 11:28

What if she dies soon and you are responsible for her never to have seen her family for the last time.

Words fail.....

Arithmeticulous · 21/09/2012 11:33

What if you need to change or cancel your flight for whatever reason? What happens then?

Quiteoldmother · 21/09/2012 11:34

I don't think this is a reasonable request to make of someone who is not a relative/close friend, especially if the elderly lady concerned has any mobility problems....airport transfers can involve a very long walk (eg Singapore) and if connections are missed there may be all sorts of complications. I would not want to feel responsible for someone over 80 on a long haul flight.

quoteunquote · 21/09/2012 11:36

This just made me a bit sad,

but hey it's your choice, and your choices define you.

SuoceraBlues · 21/09/2012 11:40

What if she dies soon and you are responsible for her never to have seen her family for the last time.

What if she dies mid flight and the OP spends most of her holiday on the phone to the lady's heartbroken family half a world away, dealing with Australian beurocracy and trying to get the body she sat next to on a plane for half a flight, back home ?

How will YOU then live with yourself for having emotionally blackmailed the OP and led to the ruination of her once in a lifetime holiday ?

onyx72 · 21/09/2012 11:41

YANBU

I can think of nothing worse than having to make polite chit chat (and you will have to) with someone I don't really know for 30 hours. I would relish the thought of all that time to eat, read and watch what I like.

OhSoSimple · 21/09/2012 11:42

quoteunquote do you not think the sad part is the lady's own family will not put themselves out to accompany their relative on the journey or make appropriate arrangements with the airline but expect a colleague, not a friend, to look after her?

That's sad.

And not the OPs lookout.

AnyoneforTurps · 21/09/2012 11:52

This just made me a bit sad, but hey it's your choice, and your choices define you.

Just as it is your choice to write passive-aggressive crap to make the OP feel guilty, quoteunquote.

I work with the elderly and sick. In my experience, the friends/family/neighbours who really put themselves out to look after someone else are unassuming and very reluctant to ask anyone else to take on the responsibility. Conversely, the friends and family who shout loudly "something must be done" are the sort of people who do not do any of the graft themselves. They often live at some distance, and swoop in occasionally to lay a guilt trip on someone else.

OP, take no notice of the guilt-trippers. I bet they have not given up a day of a precious holiday for a complete stranger. This lady has plenty of options for seeing her family, of which assisted travel is the most sensible.

quoteunquote: your last holiday or day out could have paid for an African child to eat. This makes me a bit sad. But hey, your choices define you.

CassandraApprentice · 21/09/2012 11:54

YANBU

I'd be worrying about the expectations that the lady and her family would have of me - which would be an unnecessary stress. Would be different if I knew her, knew I could get on with her on knew her needs.

I think asking would be hard - as then how do you say no plus if the family are asking an acquaintance are they going to be realistic about the ladies needs.

Plus what if you have to cancel, postpone or delay lets face it with DC shit happens and plans get changed.

Suggest assisted travel - then say sorry you don't feel up to it and you can't guarantee your plans won't have to be changed at last minute.

I never get all this karma shit - it's nice to help people even put yourselves out considerable for others on occasions as it make you feel good about yourself but IME it doesn't guarantee when things re hard for you that people will be around to help you. All the stuff about last chance for this lady to see family is speculation and frankly OP not your shit to have to take responsibility for.

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