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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel sad that people want their childrens independance so fast?

137 replies

nokidshere · 19/09/2012 11:09

Lots of posts on here this week about how old you were when you did certain things.

I think its really sad that so many are saying "I did my own washing/cooking/cleaning etc from the age of 12/13/14" "My mother never gave me money again after I got a job at 14" and so on.

My own two boys are prefectly capable of doing all of the above but why would I want them to? Sometimes they offer to do stuff and sometimes I ask them to but I would not be up in arms about doing all this stuff for them for a few more years yet. They don't need or deserve the responsibility of adulthood at this tender age. Surely its enough that they are taught to do these things without actually making them do everything for themselves?

I don't wash/cook and clean for my children from some misguided sense of wanting to keep them children for longer, I do it because I love them and want them to have a happy, stress free childhood. After all, they have many years of being an adult - far more than they have of being a child.

OP posts:
delightfullyfragrant · 19/09/2012 11:13

Because if they don't start doing it themselves when they are capable they could learn the art of laziness?

SuoceraBlues · 19/09/2012 11:13

I don't waste Sad on kids being brought up on the "perfectly reasonable" spectrum, even if other parents.' choices and priorities are different from my own.

I need all the Sad I can get for the kids who really are being placed on an unlevel playing feild from which they may never recover, just like many their parents were before them.

Life is too damn short and busy to bewail different strokes for different folks. Most of the time the WCS is hiccups rsther than Life TB, and it will y and large come put in the wash.

At least .....that is what I am comforting mysef with, not being a damn near perfect parent and all.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/09/2012 11:16

YABU.... You may well be aiming for 'happy stress-free childhood' but you could end up with young people that can't look after themselves. Taking a child from dependent to independent is our main job as parents. Doesn't mean shoving them up metaphorical chimneys, flogging them to death with chores.... but it doesn't mean waiting on them like Little Lord Fauntleroy. Can backfire badly.

dreamingbohemian · 19/09/2012 11:19

I guess it depends on what you expect them to do once they finish school. If you think at 17/18 they'll leave home and go off somewhere for uni or work, it's actually the most responsible thing to get them used to housework and looking after themselves, to a reasonable degree.

I think it's especially important if you have sons. Look at all the women on here with lazy dirty partners!

Psammead · 19/09/2012 11:21

I expect my two year old to tidy up after herself to the best of her ability. I think if they can do something that is useful in later life, they should. It gets them into the habit and the chore becomes second nature. I also think that if children see that a little work goes into keeping a home and family running, it means they don't take everything for granted.

I am not very strict, but DD has it in her head that she gets a toy out, plays, and then puts it away so she can play nicely with it another day. I do not think this is too cruel. As she gets older I will expect her to do the occasional bit of housework. Sticking a load of laundry on once a week, with supervision, maybe cooking something simple for the family. I think it's good to get into good habits.

Just my view.

SpottyTeacakes · 19/09/2012 11:21

YABU. My parents never made me do anything and it's taken a lot for me to get myself into a routine of doing all the housework and chores that need doing. I did cook for myself from 14 and now I love to cook. I will be bringing dd up to help around the house, in fact she just took her bowl out to the kicthen sink (she is 2 Grin)

wordfactory · 19/09/2012 11:24

OP, doing your own washing etc is not the same as entering adulthood.

Our goal as parents should be to raise highly independent young people. Practically, financially, emotionally.

We all have different ways of achieving this.

WilsonFrickett · 19/09/2012 11:24

So who is going to teach your sons to do all these things? Their future partners? I'm looking forward to that MIL thread...

wordfactory · 19/09/2012 11:25

Also when did doing a laod of washing become stress?

Mind boggles....

Original poster
nokidshere · 19/09/2012 11:26

If you read my post I did say that I have taught my boys how to look after themselves, and they frequently do. I totally encourage their independance.

Its more the posts that say "your child should be doing that themselves I certainly wouldn;t be doing it for my child at that age" or "I left home at that age, if you wash their clothes you are ruining them".

You can raise independant children without making them totally responsible for doing everything for themselves.

OP posts:
Fuchzia · 19/09/2012 11:28

Great post Suocera I think about this with my toddler a lot, have friends who think I'm mad not to use reigns etc but I really want him to be aware of roads and understand when to hold hands etc. it's unfair not to teach a child how the world works. FWIW I worked for 13 and cooked evening meals but that was out of necessity as mum was working evenings. I wouldn't want that for my two but neither would I want them to reach 18 without understanding the value of money or have no responsibility.

wordfactory · 19/09/2012 11:28

No you really can't OP.

By the time they leave home they should have taken over full responsibility for themselves. And that is a long process, where DC take full responsibility for their lives task by task.

aldiwhore · 19/09/2012 11:30

YABU and are in danger of this becoming such a habit that they won't be very self sufficient when older.

My boys are my boys, I adore them, I mollcoddle them at times, but at 8 and 4 they can make their own breakfast and sort their own washing, keep their room tidy and help with humdrum household chores.

They won't be fully independant until they leave home. But my job as parent is to make looking after themselves such a habit that they can function fully without it being a massive upheaval when they have to.

I also don't want their future partners coming on MN slating them because they're lazy entitled pricks who expect everything given them on a plate.

There is a balance and I think I achieve it at present. I put love into everything and go the extra mile for them, but there's no labour of love involved with filling a dishwasher, that is simply something the needs doing, and they are capable of doing it.

WilsonFrickett · 19/09/2012 11:32

I would kind of disagree with that OP. Independence isn't 'knowing how to work the washing machine and heating a pizza up when your mates are over because it's a laugh'.

Independence is being responsible for these tasks day in, day out. Letting them do it when they fancy isn't teaching quite the same skill set, IMO.

delightfullyfragrant · 19/09/2012 11:32

BTW it's independent Blush sorry

CassandraApprentice · 19/09/2012 11:33

IME - as my mother did most things but was a martyr with it - it makes for a very steep learning curve in adulthood especially initially and I was lucky as my Dad took it upon himself to teach me a few basic cookery things and got me a book about financial stuff - how to budget, write a cheque etc....

I've also seen the claim teaching the DC to look after them selves raised their self respect and self esteem - I tend to agree with that.

It has also made my life easier and more stress free to have the DC dress themselves from a young age. I was shocked to find 4 and 5 year olds whose parents were still getting them dressed. If I'd done that it would have meant getting three DC dressed for years where as now even the youngest at 3 gets herself dresses and takes pride in getting the clothes and getting them on.

wordfactory · 19/09/2012 11:33

I also tgibk that if you bring up boys to believe that women are all too happy to look after them, you are setting them up for diappointmenr Wink.

In the same way that if you shower your DC with money and consumerables, you'd better be prepared to do it for a loooooooong time.

SpottyTeacakes · 19/09/2012 11:33

I agree with Wilson I know how to wash up but I never do it...... Wink

geegee888 · 19/09/2012 11:33

Gosh OP, learning the skills they will need to survice in adulthood, such as cooking and cleaning, is not "giving them the responsibilities of adulthood".

I personally think its sad when children are brought up as "little emperors" by helicopter parents to do nothing by themselves by the age they should, as they have always had someone else do it for them.

I had a boyfriend like that once, would literally sit around in his own filth and never clear up, as he expected me to do it for him. Then he had a tantrum when I dumped him.

In fact, I would have thought that increasing indepdence was one of the most important things a parent could teach their child, whilst within the security of the family?

Trills · 19/09/2012 11:34

You may well be aiming for 'happy stress-free childhood' but you could end up with young people that can't look after themselves.

I agree with Cogito - YABU to think that parents who encourage independence (please not the E) don't wish their children to have a "happy, stress-free childhood".

valiumredhead · 19/09/2012 11:34

YABU

wordfactory · 19/09/2012 11:35

wilson yes indeed.

Knowing how to work a washing machine, is not the same as realising you really must get a load on now if you're going to have any dry pants tomorrow Grin.

valiumredhead · 19/09/2012 11:35

Quite word!

rogersmellyonthetelly · 19/09/2012 11:36

Yabu IMO. I'm not bringing up children, I'm trying to bring up responsible hard working adults! If I treat my kids as children until they leave home, they will still behave like children when they leave home!
My kids are young, only 6 and 7, they play, make a mess, forget their school books and leave their clothes lying around. I let them play and make a mess, but they are expected to tidy up and put their clothes shoes and things away, put their pots in the dishwasher, because as adults, no one else will do it for them. It sounds harsh, but gradually building responsibility and independence is important.

Original poster
nokidshere · 19/09/2012 11:37

Of course you can wordfactory

My sons frequently cook for themselves, tidy their rooms, empty the dishwasher (sometimes even without being asked) know how to use the washing machine and the younger one even likes to iron (with supervision).

My point is that they don't need to be doing this stuff routinely at their ages and I find the "I'm not washing for my 14 year old" etc quite harsh. I totally agree with the "by the time they leave home they should be...." but thats not at 12-14 is it!?

OP posts: