to feel sad that people want their childrens independance so fast?

[nokidshere]

Lots of posts on here this week about how old you were when you did certain things.

I think its really sad that so many are saying "I did my own washing/cooking/cleaning etc from the age of 12/13/14" "My mother never gave me money again after I got a job at 14" and so on.

My own two boys are prefectly capable of doing all of the above but why would I want them to? Sometimes they offer to do stuff and sometimes I ask them to but I would not be up in arms about doing all this stuff for them for a few more years yet. They don't need or deserve the responsibility of adulthood at this tender age. Surely its enough that they are taught to do these things without actually making them do everything for themselves?

I don't wash/cook and clean for my children from some misguided sense of wanting to keep them children for longer, I do it because I love them and want them to have a happy, stress free childhood. After all, they have many years of being an adult - far more than they have of being a child.

I think yabu. It's not just a matter of teaching them to cook, wash, clean etc. they need to get into the habit of doing these things regularly. My youngest has just gone off to university, and while I worry about him, I do know he can feed himself, do his laundry, keep his room clean and tidy because he's being doing those things for a few years now.

On the other hand, a lot of men of my generation left home without the faintest idea of how to even operate a tin opener - and I suspect that being so incapable is the cause of a lot of marital strife. I want my sons to have happy relationships, and that's not going to happen if their partners feel they are being treated like the hired help.

I'm with you nokidshere. I've been pondering this one recently in light of accusations from xh (which are generally put in the "load of bollocks" box) that I do everything for dd and dsd (his dd lives with me). He claims they don't have to lift a finger while they are with me. Quite how he know what goes on here I'm not sure but that's besides the point.

Both dd (9) and dsd (16) help out with chores. Dsd will do all the washing, hoovers, washes up, tidies, and anything I ask her to. DD makes her own lunch, dusts, tidies her bedroom, puts clothes away, dries up. There's probably more than that, they just muck in when I ask them to. Dsd cooks her own meals if she doesn't want what I am cooking. Dd makes her own breakfast and can make lunch.

My mum did everything for me and it did me no favours as when I left home I was clueless in the sense that I had to figure everything out. That's not going to happen with dd and dsd, but I do feel there's a balance to be struck as always. I'd like them to have some downtime after school and college, be able to enjoy hobbies and being with friends.

On the days I don't work I am able to do the chores so they don't have to, I don't really see it as being any different to a SAHM with a full-time working partner. I wouldn't expect to be at home all week and have to share the chores with the one who was out working.

My mum did everything for me and DH does the hoovering because I can't use the Hoover and bloody hate it as its too much effort lol.

I couldn't use a washing machine when I bought my first house

Dd will be brought up doing some (note some) chores and taught how to use stuff and it's not just for our benefit. I bloody stuggled still do to keep the house immaculate

Speaking as someone who had to intensively train their DP (in his 30s!) in the things that need doing to keep a house running, please do reconsider this! He grew up with a DM who did everything and still does. I got her a nice cake for a recent significant birthday ('home made by someone else') and was astonished by how grateful she was. Turned out no-one had thought to get her a cake for her birthday in the previous 50 years!

You would feel very sad for my DCs then.
At 14&13 they cook dinner one night a week each, clean up the kitchen after dinner twice a week, are responsible for their own packed lunches ie if you don't make one you had better hope you have some money in your bank account else you aren't eating.
They also are responsible for washing and drying their own kit for football training and matches and making sure its ready on the correct day, also swimming kit and PE kit.
They clean the bathroom once a week each, Hoover every day and keep their rooms clean(or not, I'm not bothered about their own rooms tbh)

We both work full time so everyone has to understand that they need to contribute to the running of the household.

At least they understand responsibility, if they don't do x, it has y consequence to them.

why should a sahm not expect to shares chores with a working partner? i am sahm, dp works. i do everything when he is ar work. the children pitch in. when dp us at home we both do stuff, they are our children so he will come home and cook dinner, get a load of washing on whilst i may be busy with the baby or dping homework with the others etc.

when we are both at home we are both 'on duty' and thats 50/50. we will take time off ie i am going for a night out soon so dp will do dinner and bedtime routine with all five children. equally he has nights out, we take it in turns to have lie ins etc. if he is home he will do the school run etc.

i dont see that just because he does paid work i should do everything!

I don't think it necessarily follows that if you grow up having things done for you that you leave home and never have a clue unless someone comes along to "train" you.

I took full responsibility for myself, my routine and learnt what was needed to be done and how as soon as I left home. It was just a case of adapting. And I don't feel it was any different to leaving college and going into the workplace.

I certainly didn't sit around waiting for things to be done for me, I just worked it all out for myself.

5mad I agree, once you are both at home, you are both equally responsible for the running of the house. It doesn't matter if one or both have been at work. Everyone is required to contribute in my house regardless of what they have been doing during the day.

I gave myself food poisoning more than once when I first left home

Looking has a system similar to what we're going for in our house.

My Mother did everything for my brother and I (he still lives at home at 24, is cooked and cleaned for), I left home at 20 and learnt the hard way. Luckily I also had a fab example in my Father who was very hands on with my brother and I and also did his share around the house.

As a result, I've struggled with homekeeping, but my partner does his share and we encourage DS to do the same. I want my DS to be like my Father and my DP. I'm a housewife but we have a list of jobs between us.

DS (8) for example must : Get himself out of bed in time for school. Shower and dress smartly for school. Check his bag. Make his breakfast. Brush teeth and hair. Find own coat and shoes.

Then when he gets home : Change his clothes, either fold or put in washing depending on the state of them. Do his homework. He then has an hour play. He has tea with us. He helps clear up after tea. Then more playing until bedtime.

He helps with the washing. He dusts. He tidies after himself. He feeds the pets. To be honest I could probably leave him alone for a few days and he'd still get to school on time, properly dressed and mange a basic healthy diet during that time (disclaimer I will not leave him for a few days).

We've always encouraged his independence and he's really blossomed the last few months and is growing to be a lovely young man. We love him, he's happy, how this would make you sad I don't know.

yep same here tantrums my elder ones cook etc, they are all involved in the running of the household, even my 21mth old will take her cup to the kitchen and puts her dirty clothes in the washing machine if i ask her to! running the household shouldnt fall to one person, its something the whole family should contribute to. it doesnt make children hard done by because they are expected to pick.up after themselves and do jobs when asked!

and if dp shouldnt do chores because i am a sahm what should he do exactly? sit on his arse whilst i run around doing everything?! i think not!

YANBU, but you are coming over as a bit sanctimonious.

5madthings, surely though if you are home all day, and your dh is at work there shouldn't really be any chores left to share by the time your dh gets home?

The kids pitch in with the housework weekdays when needed, at the weekends we all pitch in. During the week, dh is out from 6.30-6. By the time he gets home the house is clean, laundry is done, dinner is cooked etc. Keeping on top of the house does not require 40+ hours a week. They make their own lunches, tidy their room, put their laundry away, get their breakfast, etc. Usually one helps with dinner.

In the evenings we can all relax.

Yabu.

I meant a SAHM with older children and probably not as many as 5! If I didn't work then I could easily get all chores and home organisation stuff done during the week, and have plenty of time to spare - I just wouldn't see the need for them to have to do anything when they got home. That doesn't mean I don't expect everyone to muck in as necessary to keep things tidy and the household running.

YABU. Can't be doing with the wanky "I feel so sad for children whose parents aren't as wonderful as I am. Poor, poor them".
Uber-twattery.

My dh works crazy hours, ds is 11 and I don't work outside the home. Yes, I could do everything for ds but I feel as someone who is bring up a future adult/husband I would be doing him a disservice if he didn't know how to cook, run the washer,and be responsible for certain jobs.

Agree with the other posters who have pointed out that the life skill is not knowing how to do these things, but being able to incorporate them into your everyday life without dropping the ball and having to wear your swimming costume to work under your suit as you've run out of knickers. I also agree that it's about promoting teamwork within the family unit, where everyone pulls their weight and contributes to the running of the house. My mum certainly didn't enslave us, but by the age of 14 if, say, I knew I wanted x jeans to wear on Friday, I knew on Wednesday evening I should get a dark wash on (tumble driers hadnt been invented then- arf) and would do it without being asked. I'd also be expected to walk the dog, feed the dog and cats and prep dinner 3 nights a week after school as my mum worked, plus ad hoc stuff like hanging washing out, emptying the dishwasher etc.

if you dont use this model, there is the danger that you promote, however unintentionally, the "housework is done my mums/women" norm.

i am not at home all day. school run means out from 8am till almost 10am in morning and 2:30-4:30 in the afternoon. plus clubs etc some days. i take little ones to toddler groups, park, library, do shopping that needs to be done etc etc. yes i do do the bulk of housework but not all and with five kids there is always something to be done. i wash up and tidy up as i go along ie run hoover round, wipe down bathroom every day. more deep cleaning gets done when dd naps ir in the evening.

i sometimes have dinner cooking when dp gets home, sometimes dont. kids have sports clubs till late some days. dp fors shift work ie days, evenings, nights, wkends often 30+hr shifts. so when he is at home he pitches in. he may cook whilst i am.busy eith children or vice versa or one will wash up and tidy up, make pack.ups etc whilst the other gets kids to bed. makes sense to me.

dp can often be at home on a weekday morning for example so he will get the primary agef ones up and out to school whilst i look after little ones. then we will both spend time doing housework/watching little ones or one of us will take them out whilst the other does a quick blitz.

housework doesnt only need doing during my dp's working hours, its ongoing. we just do it as we go along.

I suppose it was only to be expected that many people would choose to miss the point!

I was saying, and did say, that the post was about those people who thought that once they turned 12+ that they should have nothing done for them by their parents - as if being older than 12/13 meant that you somehow stopped being a child and became totally responsible for yourself. Followed by posters saying that "well I left home at 14/15 etc etc" as if that was a normal thing to do.

I also stated, quite clearly I thought, that my own boys are perfectly capable - and mostly willing (I totally disbelieve anyone who says young teens do this stuff without the occasional nagging session) - to do all of the above things already (they are 11 & 13) but I don't make them do it as a matter of course, because as yet, they don't need to.

Times have changed. I was brought up in loving, secure 'benign neglect'. I did all my own laundry from about 13, simply because that's when I started to care about my appearance, and my mum had better things to do like fall asleep on the Guardian women's page.

I love my DS dearly, and he's only a wee toddler so of course he doesn't do housework. But when he leaves home, I don't want him coming back with laundry etc. I'm lucky in that DP is very houseproud and so will save my lazy arse be a good role model.

Even at 2, DS will run to the bin with his nappy. They love playing at grown ups, don't they.

OP, yabu.

I feel for your future DILs.

Ah, so your post was only about people who don't really exist and don't post on MN These mythical parents that do not a single thing for their children once they get to twelve.
Righto.

You are missing the point though OP saying that they are capable of doing stuff but they don't have to - theres' an element of choice. And you have to nag, if they were responsible you wouldn't have to nag as they wouldn't have any clean clothes or whatever.

chops i do bulk of cleaning etc but dinner still needs doing (if he is home for dinner/evening) then there is the washing up and tidying this creates! pack ups to do,school stuff to sort. bathroom gets quick tidy after kids have used it getti g ready for bed ie make sure tiwels are hung up, no toothpaste in sink and wee drips wiped (four boys!) just general tidying as we go along.

some jobs ie mopping floor left till evening as then no one walks on wet floor! we all tidy as we go along, that includes dp and the children!

and where are these houses that only get messy and need housework doing during 'working hours ie 9-5"?!