to feel sad that people want their childrens independance so fast?

[nokidshere]

Lots of posts on here this week about how old you were when you did certain things.

I think its really sad that so many are saying "I did my own washing/cooking/cleaning etc from the age of 12/13/14" "My mother never gave me money again after I got a job at 14" and so on.

My own two boys are prefectly capable of doing all of the above but why would I want them to? Sometimes they offer to do stuff and sometimes I ask them to but I would not be up in arms about doing all this stuff for them for a few more years yet. They don't need or deserve the responsibility of adulthood at this tender age. Surely its enough that they are taught to do these things without actually making them do everything for themselves?

I don't wash/cook and clean for my children from some misguided sense of wanting to keep them children for longer, I do it because I love them and want them to have a happy, stress free childhood. After all, they have many years of being an adult - far more than they have of being a child.

Nobody doing housework in the evening, but I would rather clear up the kitchen then, than come done in the morning and find the kitchen covered in last night's dishes. Tbh I am only just getting into a good evening routine now but it makes things easier the ext day.

i would prefer a house where i didnt need to clean and tidy after 5pm but i cant find one halcyon obviously not looking hard enough...

You had one 5mad but you filled it with lovely children!

and some of those said lovely children need collecting from school and i have done fuck all as ds4 is poorly and dd has been pottering round making mess as i tidy today... oh well! they are cute so i can forgive them!

I often Think where is the line between mean and making a child independent?

I think never giving a child money after 14 is pretty mean I wouldn't do it, how ever encouraging a child to put loads of washing in at 14 isn't.

I remember I was taught because I was whinging that my favourite clothes weren't being cleaned fast enough, so instead of pandering to my whinging she showed me how to do it myself and was like 'don't like my way do it yourself!' which I think is a good approach.
teaches you not to 'expect' things.

My mum always asked us to do things for her but would then do it herself if we did not jump to it in 5 seconds flat, and then when we were doing it, criticised our speed, technique etc. I don't think she meant to but not letting us have a go in our own time, be given small manageable regular chores, and learn the importance of housework had a detrimental effect on me! I moved out of hom at 17 due to problems with my sister and had no idea how to do anything! I have always been very academic and only did this... I had no balance or experience of real life - I lived in a very clean, healthy unrealistic bubble....Result:

• Couldn't make a cup of tea
• Couldn't wash clothes
• Thought fresh milk just appeared in the fridge
• Thought mouldy cups would one day wash themselves
• Actually moved house with a box of washing up not washed!!! (The shame!)
• Didn't know what cleaning products were what

etc etc etc Therefore I was very unhealthy and unhappy for a long time before I finally (am 31 now with a DD who spurs me on) got into a routine and learnt how to do things.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate everything my mum did for me, but I don't think it was good for her or me - she was absolutely knackered with 3 girls who helped with nothing, and we had no clue what to do when we moved out.

Therefors - my 21 month DD helps with everything she can... in a nice playful way. I know this enthusiasm will wear off but I want to try and give her small manageable tasks to build her confidence and knowledge of running a house. Where else is she going to learn from?

well ds4 is tired and grumpy and dd is asleep do i have txted ds1 and he will meet ds3 and ds3 from.school and they can all.come home together! all that horrible responsibility of coming home on their own being heaped upon them...

I wouldn't worry, mine come home to an empty house after picking up ds2 from ASC

YABU-

Although my mother was clearly a nutcase who gave me too much responsibility from a young age, I'm glad I learnt how to be responsible in contrast to my DH who has yet to learn about simple things like the value or money and the joys of a hard day at work. When he started university he didn't know how to wash clothes or iron. All he knew was how to cook gourmet meals with no consideration for budgeting.

While I will not be borrowing all of my parenting techniques from my mother, self reliance is definitely one of them

that should be ds2 and ds3 obviously! an empty house tantrums shocking ds1 comes home to an empty house most school days as he gets out before the primary school (starts earlier tho) and his walk home is much shorter. AND when he comes home i have often left a note saying can he wash up pots/run the hoover round or put away his clean laundry etc, then he can do as he pleases, get on with his homework etc, but he often has a job to do first

Oh thought of more, DD1 and 2 walk to the school bus together.

People who nothing for their DC and let them do everything from 3 y o - YABU

People who do everything for their DC so they learn nothing - YABU

Everyone else normal people - YANBU

HTH

YABU Op.

Not all of us have family who would care for our children in the event that something happened to us. We haven't even got access to a babysitter if we need one and if one of us ended up in hospital, everything would fall to the other. I need my dcs to be able to learn how to care for themselves at a realistic age. I don't push them to do things beyond their years, but neither do I allow them to sit round and let me do everything for them.

Also, people who grow up being helpless are just a burden on those around them Personally, I blame the parents.

I suppose OP could be talking about those of us who did an awful lot of housework, cooking etc from a young age due to having a disabled parent. But no-one is that twatty, are they?

I don't think the op knows who she is talking about tbh.

I forgot to mention that now Dd has a little job I don't give her money to go out with her friends. I do still feed, clothe, pay for her mobile phone bill etc.

I think the earlier you can learn to look after yourself, the better. It gives you a good feeling when you can manage your own life and cope with stuff Who the heck wants to be unable to boil an egg at the age of 18? That's nothing to be proud of

Why assume that a carefree childhood is incompatible with a certain amount of cooking and cleaning?

I had a pretty idyllic childhood and some of my happiest memories is of cooking large family dinners (I can still drool over the one I did for my father's 40th) and bailing out the boat.

The OP seems to presuppose a world where all work is dreary and miserable and makes you unhappy. I think lots of it- especially cooking- is fun. If dc picked up on that attitude I would be very happy indeed.

I frequently remind my eldest son that I was given 18 years to turn him into a functioning member of society, who can look after himself, and other people. That he's already used up 11 of those and we had better crack on.

I agree, cory, and actually I think it makes children unhappy rather than carefree when they cannot take care of themselves in an age/developmentally-appropriate fashion.

Hmmm, interesting thread.

I don't remember doing much to help at home while growing up TBH. I think I put stuff in the dishwasher, tidied up my own stuff and put my clothes in the laundry basket, but that was about it. I don't remember doing any cooking or washing up, and we had a cleaner who did laundry and cleaning.

Money wise I got given a pretty small allowance (£30 a month I think, in the 90s) and chose to keep within that rather than get a job.

So, by most accounts here I should be lazy and incapable. As it turns out I worked out pretty quickly once I left home how to cook, clean and do laundry. And I've had a pretty demanding job since leaving uni.

Did I have a better childhood because I didn't have to do chores? Not sure. It's not like I spent my spare time doing constructive stuff - I probably spent it playing Tetris and on the phone to my mates. I think it probably would have been better for me to have to do a bit more.

So, OP, I'd say YABU. Not because I think you are creating feckless adults - I don't think you are. But because I think doing a few chores might actually make your childrens' lives more rounded. Unless of course their time is filled with wonderful and fulfilling activities which they'd have to drop if they had to wash up.

My life is filled with wonderful and fulfilling activities mini. I still have to wash up though!

From personal experience, my mum did all the washing and cooking until I left home aged 25. It was a proper shock moving out and actually I really wish I was better prepared, so yabu.

I will be teaching my children those skills before they are too old.

I don't want a rod for my own back! (and yes I was very lazy.)

I ask my DCs aged 12 and 8 to do tasks around the house. I want to get them capable of being able to think of tasks without me having to prompt them. This is because while I can teach them how to do all these tasks, if they don't acquire the habit of doing them before leaving home, they may struggle to get into the habit once they've left.

Which is the problem I had. I was capable of doing all those things before I left home, but Mum chose to do everything and I never got into the habit of thinking and anticipating what tasks needed doing.

OP I feel you need to ask your DCs to do stuff to get them into the habit. Housework is not stressful, most of the time, just boring. And your future DILs will thank you.

Oh god please make them do more at home. I worked from 14 and was doing lots of chores from much younger. Probably too many tbh - but I am grateful that I have always been very independent.

My dh on the other hand did JACK SHIT as a child because, as my MIL points out, 'they were so busy with their music and sport and clubs I just thought they didn't have time.'

fast forward 20 years and the only rows we have are about chores and his inability to do basic household stuff, cooking etc. I love him dearly and he is great in every way except this. To be fair he is willing to learn and tries hard now but I am resentful as I often feel I am teaching him stuff he should have learned while growing up, and that his parents didn't finish the job. It's not a gender thing either as he has 3 sisters and a younger brother who are just as useless.