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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel sad that people want their childrens independance so fast?

137 replies

nokidshere · 19/09/2012 11:09

Lots of posts on here this week about how old you were when you did certain things.

I think its really sad that so many are saying "I did my own washing/cooking/cleaning etc from the age of 12/13/14" "My mother never gave me money again after I got a job at 14" and so on.

My own two boys are prefectly capable of doing all of the above but why would I want them to? Sometimes they offer to do stuff and sometimes I ask them to but I would not be up in arms about doing all this stuff for them for a few more years yet. They don't need or deserve the responsibility of adulthood at this tender age. Surely its enough that they are taught to do these things without actually making them do everything for themselves?

I don't wash/cook and clean for my children from some misguided sense of wanting to keep them children for longer, I do it because I love them and want them to have a happy, stress free childhood. After all, they have many years of being an adult - far more than they have of being a child.

OP posts:

wordfactory · 19/09/2012 11:38

I actually think it's quite stressful not being able to take responsibility for yourself.

Reliancy and dependency are very anxiety inducing.

cantspel · 19/09/2012 11:38

I dont expect my teen sons to do their own washing, ironing or cooking but they are both capable of it and would do it if asked in the same way they would cut the grass, paint the shed or do some cleaning.

But i am at home all day and they are at school. I dont baby them and they make their won lunches, breakfast, get themselves up and out with the need for my input. Nor do i expect them to leave home at 17/18 and hope they will both stay home until they are in a financial position to buy their own homes. My older boy is SEN so unlikely to leave home without a lot of support anyway .

WilsonFrickett · 19/09/2012 11:38

Indeed Word and now excuse me as I have to go and hang my pants out!

ClippedPhoenix · 19/09/2012 11:38

I do sort of get what you're saying OP.

However my DS is coming on 15 and he actually wants to know how to do things for himself nothing to do with me banging on that no girl will want to be with him unless all household chores etc. are divided equally

Whilst it's painful to watch I'm now teaching him how to iron

delightfullyfragrant · 19/09/2012 11:38

love and giving your child independence aren't mutually exclusive.

It is also by no stretch of anyone's imagination stressful for a child to pick up after themselves.

FWIW saying your kids can do it but you do it for them is contradictory. All able bodied children can do chores but it's the doing it that is more difficult to teach.

halcyondays · 19/09/2012 11:39

I wish I'd been made to do more tidying up etc from a young age, as now I really struggle with it as an adult. You can ask them to do too much, or you can ask them to do too little. I think it's good for dc to do some age appropriate tasks. Mine are only 6 and 4, so I don't expect them to do very much, but I do expect them to help tidy up their toys and not to throw rubbish on the floor. We are pretty relaxed about mess here, but there is a limit even for us, and without getting them to tidy some of their toys away, they would get everything out, and then leave it there. As they get older, they will be asked to do more, it's important for them to learn that things need to be done. Much more of a shock if they were to turn 18 and discover that the cleaning fairy doesn't actually exist.

dreamingbohemian · 19/09/2012 11:39

Well, I agree more with your second post.

As long as they're under your roof, they are not fully responsible for themselves. I think it's important to give them as many good habits as possible but the real test comes when they actually leave home.

Original poster

nokidshere · 19/09/2012 11:39

I agree with Cogito - YABU to think that parents who encourage independence (please not the E) don't wish their children to have a "happy, stress-free childhood".

Yes Trills did you forget an E somewhere? lolol

OP posts:

charlottehere · 19/09/2012 11:40

I never had to do anything and wasn't taught any domestic stuff, cooking etc which has made my life much harder as an adult. I don't know how Dcs can know how to do jobs if they aren't doing it reguarly.

YABU, save your sadness for children who are actually have a hard life.

My DDs nearly 8 and 11, tidy and clean their bedrooms weekly, put their own clothes away, clean up after their own pets and do other random bits and pieces. I think this is really important as 1, i want them to be able to do these things when they leave home, i am no the maid and I don't have time to do everything!

CassandraApprentice · 19/09/2012 11:41

Surely dish-washing is special case as you can buy a dishwasher.

Knowing that to get clothes washed they have to go in the washing machines possibly need sorting before they go in , get taken out and dried, possibly ironed, then they need to be put away is different to know which buttons to press on machine.

It should be obvious yet this is an entire process my DH struggles with at times. The DC have to start to understand as if they need a particular item of clothing clean its not going to automatically happen - it takes times and at the minute it means them letting me know and when they are older starting or finishing the process.

WilsonFrickett · 19/09/2012 11:41

I also think (she muses, as she hangs the pants out) that there's something about how you view the family unit in how you teach your children. I often screech tell my DS that there are three people in this house - I expect him to contribute to its smooth running in an (age appropriate) way. He lives here too, why should he do nothing? Everyone should play their part to keep their home running smoothly.

Trills · 19/09/2012 11:41

There don't seem to be many spare Es lying around these days.

wordfactory · 19/09/2012 11:43

wilson you are absolutely correct.
DC are part of a family unit.

The idea that their only responsibility is to school work is anathama to me.

charlottehere · 19/09/2012 11:44

Oh my older two make their own breakfast, pack thier lunch boxes too

KellyElly · 19/09/2012 11:45

I wouldn't ask my DD (when she's older shes only 3 :)) to scrub the bathroom or floors or clean the oven but sticking a wash on, tidying up after themselves, doing the washing up occasionally, taking the bins out etc to me is them contributing to family life and earning their pocket money. My DD is 3 and she already puts her toys away. She also like to do a bit of dusting, but that's more fun to her than a chore at the moment

imnotmymum · 19/09/2012 11:45

It is about balance I believe. Yes I do wash clothes, hoover bedroom, put trainers away however they do stick a wash on, cook dinner, clean the windows if I ask or if they offer. iI do not believe in chore lists just family working as a team.

WorraLiberty · 19/09/2012 11:47

I don't see many people saying they refuse to do these things for their children OP?

I just see them saying exactly the same as you...and that's that they've taught them to do these things and they expect them to do them so they learn to take responsibility.

That doesn't mean they never wash for or cook for their kids.

quirrelquarrel · 19/09/2012 11:49

I would feel sorry for kids if they suddenly had to start doing all that stuff at 21- they'd really feel the "stress" then, if they weren't used to it. It wouldn't be part of their routine, they'd have to work it in. How are you supposed to be working as a team, how are they going to be grateful for people going out of their way to make them comfortable in the future, if it's just what they're used to?

Of all the sources of stress in my life, I hardly think having been responsible for my own laundry from the age of about 10 is one of them amongst a lot of other chores. I do all the washing ups at home, it takes ten minutes at a time to wash anything dirty instead of letting it build up. Then I don't feel like a deadweight with my parents doing everything just because they happen to be 30 years older than me. People invite me back to stay at their houses because I know how to work things and make less work for them, not more. My dad repeated this over and over when I was a kid: always leave places in a better state than when you found them.....

valiumredhead · 19/09/2012 11:49

You should save your sadness for the children who aren't expected to do anything at hime, they are the ones who will have a tough time when they leave.

CassandraApprentice · 19/09/2012 11:51

I had a few occasions when my then 6 year old got the breakfast for her and her younger siblings - when DH and I were taking to long.

Perhaps I should start setting the table at night with the cereal boxes and fruit out and have some milk in a jug they could pour and she could get that from the fridge. I think they'd love 'd that. Obviously cooked things I'd still have to do for a few years yet - then maybe introduce them to the microwave. Might make mornings even less stressful.

5madthings · 19/09/2012 11:52

yabu. all my children help.out from a young age as they are part of the household. the rule in this house is we all make the mess, so we all help tidy it up!

i dont have set jobs/chore lists but i expect them.to tidy up after themselves and do jobs when asked ie washing uo, hooovering, folding laundry and putting it away or changing bedsheets etc. its part of life, threy dont do everything but i expect them.to pitch in and help out.

esp as i have four boys i am not raising them.to be men who expect women to fo everything!

they help with cooking etc as well.

this makes me think of thd thread about school bags and mums who organise and pack the school bags of their high school aged children! weeps...

Lueji · 19/09/2012 11:53

Nokid,
I'm sure your DILs will thank you.

Just because they are capable, it doesn't mean that they are willing to or used to. Different things.

Being responsible for (some) things also makes them proud of themselves and their accomplishments.

HazleNutt · 19/09/2012 11:54

what wilson said. Of course it's lovely to do things for other family members, to make their lives happier and stress-free. But shouldn't all family members want to do that? Why just the mum for everybody else?

When I was 12-14, I would make my mum coffee in the mornings, clean, do some laundry and a few times per week cook dinners - so her life would be easier and less stressful. Those tasks were not too hard on me, so why not? Why would I want to add to her stress by sitting on my backside while she was doing things for me I could perfectly well do myself?

blisterpack · 19/09/2012 12:00

I don't feel sad about it but I feel quite when I see it being hailed as some kind of gold standard. Say someone posts something like 'Do you think my son is too young to be doing X?' and people answer with "You must be joking, I was taking three buses and travelling 20 miles to school at 10", or "I had already left home at 15" or "I was cooking all the family meals from the age of 11" or whatever.

Fine, but those aren't ideal surely?

Moominsarescary · 19/09/2012 12:01

I made the mistake with ds1 17, he is capable of doing things around the house and has been for a long time. However now if he wants his blue top on a Tuesday he's had to learn that it can't be sat on his bedroom floor wash basket on a Monday night and be ready for the next morning.

I will not be making the same mistake with ds2

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