Am i expecting too much??

[LittleSugaPlum]

DH has his two children round every sat for the day.

One boy aged 10, one girl aged 8.

Im getting really irritated with them not flushing the toilet when they have finished, i have one upstairs and one downstairs. Everytime they come, both toilets have never been flushed by them.

They dont use toilet paper either. Yesterday i was out all day, came home around 6ish, didnt go upstairs until 11pm.

Went to use the upstairs loo before bed, the bathroom door was shut - which is unusual.

I opened it and the stench knocked me sick!! I was retching like mad.

The toilet was full of shit, no toilet paper in toilet, it took 4 flushes to get rid of it.

The smell in the bathroom was awful, i couldnt use the toilet.

DH tells me it was the 10year old that had been playing upstairs, the younger one hadnt been upstairs.

AIBU in thinking that at 8 and 10 years old children should be able to wipe their backside and flush the toilet???

Ive never known them to flush the toilet.

The 8 year old took her shoes off in the middle of the kitchen doorway yesterday and walked off into the living room and left them there.

I immediatley shouted her back and said "Excuse me, do those shoes belong there? Someone is going to break their neck on them!"

AIBU thinking that all this is disrespectful to our house?

Im sick to death of getting on their backs about stuff, it really irritates me, or is it normal for children of this age to not flush toilets, put shoes were they belong etc??

When i mention it to DH, he just shrugs and says its because they arent taught to do these things on a daily basis at their mums.

If you're not in, what exactly is your DH doing with them/while they're there to let the place get in such a mess?

I actually really feel for you, despite how hard it sounds like the kids have it. You sound like you really have made an effort and while you may be expecting too much from the children, I don't think you're expecting too much from their father. Your DH should be dealing with these things. When you say you where doing all the washing and the first to make them mash from actual potatoes it makes me wonder why he's happy to leave all that up to you and to cut down on his time with his own children when you don't want to do those things (actually pretty understandable for you to not want to do it all for him!)

My son regularly visits his other family (dad, step mum and siblings) it takes his toll on him having 2 different sets of rules in each house!!!!
Personally I think you need to stop being this way with them because 1 day they will refuse to see you or your husband and in turn your husband will start to resent you!!!
If you were gonna be like this with your step children why did you get with a man that already had children??

They dont stay over night because:

There is always an issue with them not bringing spare clothes and underwear, and i was always replacing underwear that was getting soiled.

The used to leave clothes all over the floor, across the landing, wet towels were left on the floor etc

When they had a bath in the evenings, the bath was always full of shit and i had to clean it everytime they came out of it.

The started coming to our house riddled with nits, saying their mum knew they had them but wouldnt get rid of them.

It was too stressful having them over night, it works better having them for the day instead.

Poor fucking kids. What does their father do for them?

What can i do to help the whole situation?

Is it better i stay when they are here? Is it better i go out for the day?

You need to talk to your dh about getting the kids some much needed help!

OP, have you posted about them before?

Didn't you get pregnant very soon after meeting their Dad?

Apologies if i've got the wrong person

If I haven't, then you did realise your DH came as part of a package when you married him didn't you?

Sugaplum - make your DH listen to you and tell him that those children are not being carted for properly by their parents!

He needs to step up and do more to help them and you.

Bad communication or not the parents need to speak about this and I would seriously think about calling SS, the children won't get taken away unless all other options fail.

But most importantly get involved with the children, build up a relationship let them stay over and buy them clothes for your home only if needs be! Wash the clothes they come in and send them home in them but whilst at yours provide them with nice stuff.

Perhaps a family day it would he a good idea instead if slumping around the house and you leaving then to it, you can't just walk in and out of their lives like it or not your are part if it and you could well be the one that helps them!

If it's so bad at home, why isn't your DH fighting to have them live with him?

Christ if it's that bad you would have them more, not less.

Sorry but you sound horrible.

i have posted about different issues i ve had with them yes.

Yes i did get pregant, you have the right person

I did know he came part of the package, I thought i could handle it, thought things would get better etc

You stay, You become the bigger adult. You form a meaningful relationship with them, you become the parent (because that is what you are) who cares about them.

You have the opportunity to really influence their life.

Yes it's hard, and no you won't be thanked, but it's the right thing to do.

I really get how hard it is, but I also know how much difference you could make (if you don't belive me I can send my two steps round to demonstrate)

Are you pregnant at the moment?

I guess if you don't have children or experience of step families you have no real understanding what it entails. It's easy to get caught up in a new relationship before the reality sets in.

OP - is it really as bad as it sounds (a SS issue tbh?) if not, have you considered leaving tHe relationship? Your partner doesn't appear to be capable of raising children, which doesn't make him much of a catch.

How do you inform social services when you have no address?

Their mum recently moved, wont give us her new adress, we just know the area, dont know the name of the new school they are in etc

I suggest you and hubby work out a way for you to be a part of each others lives. You need to make those kids feel loved by you and their dad both together and seperatly.
You do need a reality check tho, kids are messy, lazy, annoying but they are also loving, funny, enjoyable and memory makers.

You should be enjoying it

You know the school they go to I assume?

I would certainly be consulting a solicitor with your concerns and also to force the disclosure of their address. Again- what kind of father accepts he doesn't know where his children live? He sounds crazy

I think SS only step in if their house at home is unhealthy to live in, their is violence etc, which there isnt.

She has alot of family support, the children spend more time with their grandparents, which they enjoy.

Yes i am pregnant

Why not ask them??

You go out when they come over? Are you serious?! Bloody hell!!

I don't know what else to say now other than "poor kids". They are being neglected at home and when they come to yours you piss off away from them?! So the one person who knows how to care for children properly (your dh doesn't sound like he does and you are a trained nursery nurse) abandons them?

This is so sad. Time and again I have read threads on here where people have posted about caring for their step-kids : de-lousing etc because their mother can't be bothered and I always think "thank god they have got ONE mother figure in their lives". Your step kids don't have you, just your house. You need to spend MORE time with them not less, teach them about hygiene, rules and family support.

So sad for those kids....

Ss will be able to get info from the lea

no idea what their school is called.

So your baby must be due very soon now?

I can only wonder how they're going to feel if the baby pushes them out that little bit further.

Your DH has every right to know where his children live and what school they go to, why hasn't he found this out?

Do the children not know where they live and the name of the school they attend?

Does she have legal custody over the children?

If not then you tell your DH to refuse to hand them over, contact SS to come to your home and sirrah to you sand possibly the children if its that bad.

Just tell them the mothers and children's names they will do the rest.

what exactly will SS do?

Your DH sounds pathetic. Are you not worried about how he will treat your child when he treats these children so badly?