Am i expecting too much??

[LittleSugaPlum]

DH has his two children round every sat for the day.

One boy aged 10, one girl aged 8.

Im getting really irritated with them not flushing the toilet when they have finished, i have one upstairs and one downstairs. Everytime they come, both toilets have never been flushed by them.

They dont use toilet paper either. Yesterday i was out all day, came home around 6ish, didnt go upstairs until 11pm.

Went to use the upstairs loo before bed, the bathroom door was shut - which is unusual.

I opened it and the stench knocked me sick!! I was retching like mad.

The toilet was full of shit, no toilet paper in toilet, it took 4 flushes to get rid of it.

The smell in the bathroom was awful, i couldnt use the toilet.

DH tells me it was the 10year old that had been playing upstairs, the younger one hadnt been upstairs.

AIBU in thinking that at 8 and 10 years old children should be able to wipe their backside and flush the toilet???

Ive never known them to flush the toilet.

The 8 year old took her shoes off in the middle of the kitchen doorway yesterday and walked off into the living room and left them there.

I immediatley shouted her back and said "Excuse me, do those shoes belong there? Someone is going to break their neck on them!"

AIBU thinking that all this is disrespectful to our house?

Im sick to death of getting on their backs about stuff, it really irritates me, or is it normal for children of this age to not flush toilets, put shoes were they belong etc??

When i mention it to DH, he just shrugs and says its because they arent taught to do these things on a daily basis at their mums.

You 'D'H doesn't give a shit (sorry for the pun!) about his kids and won't care about yours either. I understand why you don't want to do the lion share of caring for the children because it should be him doing the parenting for most of the time. However you don't seem to accept these kids are part of your family. That's not your home, as someone said up thread, it's their second home.

Why do you think he will treat your kid better than his older children? Is it because you and your relationship are special? I bet his EX thought that too once...

The baby's father will have to be there to be on the birth certificate if they aren't married.

If he wants to be able to walk away without living up to his responsibilities, avoiding being on the birth certificate is a very good way to do it.

This is one of the most disturbing threads I have ever read on here. OP you really need to consider that hundreds of people deem your and your husband's actions utterly despicable. Honestly those poor children, your poor unborn child who's own siblings are knowingly neglected by the adults in their life. Disgraceful. You should be ashamed. I hope someone at school reports all of you, including you, to SS and that they take action against all of you.

Ffs, even if I met a child for the very first time, if he was in the sate you describe I would be taking every route possible to see that his life improved. It is a child. You have serious issues.

I was going to post my own words but someone had already said what I was going to say, (see below) which was for the OP to take control and start looking after the DC's.

Goldmandra Sun 16-Sep-12 17:11:55

If you don't want the responsibility of his children, you shouldn't have married a man who already has children.

You sound horribly selfish OP, and you complicit in the neglect of those children. You should be ashamed of yourself. How will you explain to your child that you have them everything, but left their half brother and sister to be neglected? Your husband sounds like a class A winner. Good luck with raisin.g another child with a man who clearly can't be arsed to be a grownup and a parent.

This thread has really hit a nerve for me. It reminds me so much of my exps children. They would come to us every weekend smelling of urine, riddled with nits and scruffy looking, especially the youngest.

They were 3 and 5 when they came into my life. The 3 year old wasn't properly toilet trained and used to take his nappy off in the night and then wet the bed. They were never bathed so he used to smell quite strongly of urine. It got worse when he turned 4 and started school, his mum took him out of nappys at night for a while and he'd wee in his pants and shed not change him in the morning. They never wore pjs and would sometimes sleep in their clothes. They also shared a bed.

Social services investigated but found no problems

When they turned 5 and 7 their mother moved a 2 hour drive away. Both me and dp worked full time but I did 12 hour shifts so picked up an extra day so we could afford to pick them up every weekend. I managed to get the youngest dry during the night but before that I'd have to check the bed in the mornings as he wouldn't tell you if he'd weed, no matter how many times I'd tell him he wouldn't be in trouble.

I made sure they were bathed and treated them for nits every week, bought them clothes for at ours and when they came to us wearing things that didn't fit or were too filthy to get clean I bought them clothes to go home in. I couldn't afford to send expensive clothes back every week but £1.50 for a teeshirt and a couple of pounds for joggers that at least fit from primark doesn't break the bank.

There mum was on good money so I doubt it was because she couldn't afford to clothe them

Me and exp split up when they were 7 and 9 and I haven't seen them for 4 years, I think about them oftern. My friend was married to their uncle so I do hear from time to time how they are and it seems things have improved.

op
I don't understand why you wouldn't help them and try to make their lives a bit more comfortable? What if something happened to you and your child was in this position? Wouldn't you want it's sm to treat it with compassion and love? I really don't understand some people

Sorry that was a long post!

Ultimately these children are siblings to your baby. So why wouldn't you want to make sure they were cared for properly?

Powerdresser of course - stupid error. The point I was trying to make to OP was that her unborn baby (presumably the most important person in her life) is a blood relation to his/her siblings - in order to try and drum home how very much "those children" are a part of her family.

OP I will be surprised (but glad) if you do come back to this thread. One other (horrible) bit of food for thought (as you seem unable to feel compassion for these children, what if, heaven forbid, something should happen to you in a few years time and your DH has sole care of your DC? What chance will your DC have if you don't start putting doing your best to lead the way for a better life for your family now.

Those things that seem to disgust you now about your step-children could be your child.

Please stop thinking of this as two separate families: the dirty ones who live fuck knows where and the lovely clean ones with the flushed loo

It's this kind of shit that gives step parents a bad name.

Another woman having a baby with a useless feckless waste of space who is already ruining a couple of children. Give him another, good plan.

I rarely read a whole thread of 18 pages, but I have this one and I am utterly gobsmacked at the lack of compassion shown by the OP towards two neglected innocent children. OK, so maybe it isn't your job OP tehcnically to wash, de - nit and train these two children in personal hygiene, but it is not their fault no-one seems prepared to do this for them. In not doing this, you are IMO bordering on being cruel. And certainly lazy. When you married this man (why on earth you actually did is beyond me as he sounds totally useless) you knew he had kids as part of the package that you would have some responsiblity towards. FFS woman-up and help them. Be the better person. Find out where they live, where they are educated (ask them), and help them all you can.

powerdresser if the parents are not married the father has to be present to be named on the birth certificate. If he is on the BC he has automatic PR.
This is why I think it is odd that he is named on neither of the children's certificates.
Both or either of these parents have done this deliberately. Why?
To deny the father PR or for the father to be able to deny PR?

They had a relationship, they have two children together and he is still seeing them all this while later.
It is odd he is not named as their father and why has he not addressed this?

It sounds as if thses children are surrounded by adults who do not want to commit fully to them.

Its bloody horrible.

My great nephew was 8 weeks old when I took care of him. He was a scrap. A tiny morsel with blank eyes. I expected to have him for a few months whilst his mother sorted herself out. He is still here 9 years later. My dear boy.

2 years ago a just 15 year old fetched up on my doorstep asking to use my phone. I had met her twice before. I fostered her (unpaid) and did my best for her.she is in her own flat and has just started at a prestigious art school. I don't know how she will do, she has many demons to deal with but she has made it this far.

This OP has the opportunity to change the lives of these children. I cannot believe she won't. It's not easy and it's not always straightforward but ffs someone has to do something.

Also, rather than step back from having a relationship with them why don't you start trying to build one. Have some fun with them. I don't know what the atmosphere at your house is like but DC's need a loving and fun environment. The step DC's are going to be around 'your' baby. They will be part of your life for ever and they will be visiting 'your home' for many years to come. If they are not happy or, if they feel unloved and unwanted think how that will impact on your DC. Surely, even if you can't do it for them, you would want to do it for your DC.

I think that you are exaggerating the whole thing so you don't have to have them round your house when your baby is born.

Children leave things lying around, they take their coat of and put it on the side. Children are messy!

Are the pants skiddy or caked, as if they were caked going by your previous statements I don't think you'd let them on them in your home
They have nits repeatedly, that happens quite a lot, but you won't treat it, is this so you can say they are not to come near my baby

Your lack of care IMHO is just a way to push them out
Or you are complicit in their abuse! If I was you I would be very concerned as when ss find out you will also be assessed. Let face it if you can't help two distressed children how are you going to look after a new born.

If what you have posted is true, and not embellished, then you should be ashamed of yourself. And I pity all the children

DP did not know to use deodorant. Obviously his life with the mother of his two kids was not hygienic through ignorance and/or apathy.

OP successfully taught DP about stopping his BO with deodorant. If she can live with DP with his dubious hygiene and lazy attitude (he sounds a lovely savoury character) then it sounds to me as if she has low standards(except the house which she is very proud of) or has very low self esteem issues.

Op has tried to help the kids but given up. I honestly think that it's also a case of she can't help them because she doesn't know how to herself. I suspect that her childhood wasn't idylic and whilst she sees that life isn't good for her step children I think she is completely floundering and has taken the easy route of removing herself from the situation. I think her relationship with her DP is probably not what most of us would call normal or healthy.

If any of the above is true then I think we need some sympathy for the Op. On the other hand if I'm spouting absolutely bollocks then her inaction is absolutely disgraceful. If she can teach DP hygiene then she can improve the lives of the kids too - if she can be bothered.

I also think SS should be involved in either scenario.

This is such a sad thread. I feel so sorry for those poor kids.

I may be being naive but OP, why can't you teach them to wipe their bums? Surely the kids would be happier themselves not sitting in pants caked with shit.

Its really not a big deal to get them in the bath, de louse and clean clothes as soon as they get to yours. Half an hr?

That should be the bare minimum.

A few posters have made suggestions about what you and their father can do with the kids. Please bring some joy into their lives whilst they're at yours.

I agree with griphook - this thread has really pissed me off. When you see the shite that we stepmums have to deal with, it's no wonder that people think we're all like you, OP. There is absolutely no care or compassion in your posts, and I think you're looking for reasons to keep the children away because you want 'your' happy family. And if your 'D'H lets you do that, he's a cunt.

Shocking state of affairs.

Get those nits cleared up, OP, before your own child 'cathces them!

Take the advice of the Mumsnetters on here and be nice to those children when they come to your house. Teach them how to do things (like having a bath, wiping bottoms, eating properly). It's your house so your rules and see that your OH abides by them, too. They obviously have no rules to abide by at the moment so start now.

Have a frank talk to them with a plan envisaged - a chart of some sort that you can show them (as in SuperNanny). They are still at a receptive age and could learn quickly.

Why wouldn't you be nice to them though?? God knows, I've had some issues with my sdc, and my dc, but I'm always nice to them!

You know what gets me more than anything? The fact that you go out for the whole day when they come to visit. What sort of a person are you?

have caught up on this thread tonight, it makes me so sad to think that two children are living like this, they must feel as though not a single person in the world wants to spend time with them. Wants to love them. My stepchildren have four very attentive adults in their lives, we all love them. Maybe each of us are better at different things, but we try our best because thats what you do. My DS and SC are best friends, who go running to each other in playground as they do me even when their not staying with me. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I had a stepmother like yourself, who didnt care. wouldnt spend any money on me. never cooked for me and constantly insulted me. In the end i never went back to the house until she had left my father. It has caused me serious upset and still does in my adult life,but id like to think that i am the polar opposite to her and see being a part of my stepchildrens life as a privelege not a chore like you obviously do!

Not being on the birth certificate doesn't matter. If he made an application to the court, he WOULD be awarded PR.

These are your baby's SIBLINGS FFS. And you won't even spend fucking time with them?! You won't teach then self care skills that neither their mother or father have bothered to do?

And your 'D'H sounds like an excellent catch [sarcasm emoticon]. He has dropped to daily visits only because it's 'too stressful' for you (WTF?!) to have them overnight? He won't make an effort to delouse his own DC's or teach them age appropriate self care skills? Makes him as bad as their mother IMO. They are BOTH failing these DC's. And so are you. Will you be happy if he leaves YOUR baby like he is leaving his other DC's? If you split up - HE WILL.

You REALLY think that this is such a great man to have a baby with, when he sits back and is neglectful of his DC's, can't be bothered to make an effort to see them properly, can't be bothered to get involved in his DC's life (not even knowing which school his DC's attends has SHOCKED me), leaves all the day-to-day looking after them to you (what do you think will happen when you have your baby, OP...), doesn't bother buying and wrapping presents for them,

God, I can't even formulate a decent response to this except to state that actually, these DC's are being failed by all FOUR of the significant adults in their lives, and I feel desperately for them.

not if the mother said he wasn't the father surely? Maybe that's why she didn't put him on, in case she changed her mind about wanting him to be the dad?
Perhaps she thought it would be easier to deny he was the dad.

But if he wanted PR, you are right, he could apply and get it awarded even if it meant DNA tests.

But in all these years he hasn't bothered.

My ex refused to come to the register office, and be included on my DD's birth certificate. Fast forward 12 years, and it was a simple application to the court for PR. Despite no involvement for the previous 12 years, and my reservations regarding that, the courts had no qualms about instantly awarding PR.

It really WOULD be simple, even if the mother contested it, for the OP's 'D'H to be awarded PR.

And if he is paying maintenance, as he should be, then PR will be a formality - in accepting the maintenance, the mother is accepting parentage of her children by the maintenance payer.

The OP's 'D'H just doesn't give enough of a crap about his own DC's to bother.

It might be slightly harder if he isn't paying maintenance towards the upkeep of his DC's, but that would then make me see just what a fucking repugnant creature he is!

(I have my suspicions in this case about lack of maintenance, as nothing has been mentioned, despite mentions of exact amounts spent on presents, and the expense of sheets and underwear and pyjamas and clothing. Yet not a dicky bird about maintenance...)

What do you think this 'man' will be like with your DC, OP...

Not really expecting the OP back now...