Am i expecting too much??

[LittleSugaPlum]

DH has his two children round every sat for the day.

One boy aged 10, one girl aged 8.

Im getting really irritated with them not flushing the toilet when they have finished, i have one upstairs and one downstairs. Everytime they come, both toilets have never been flushed by them.

They dont use toilet paper either. Yesterday i was out all day, came home around 6ish, didnt go upstairs until 11pm.

Went to use the upstairs loo before bed, the bathroom door was shut - which is unusual.

I opened it and the stench knocked me sick!! I was retching like mad.

The toilet was full of shit, no toilet paper in toilet, it took 4 flushes to get rid of it.

The smell in the bathroom was awful, i couldnt use the toilet.

DH tells me it was the 10year old that had been playing upstairs, the younger one hadnt been upstairs.

AIBU in thinking that at 8 and 10 years old children should be able to wipe their backside and flush the toilet???

Ive never known them to flush the toilet.

The 8 year old took her shoes off in the middle of the kitchen doorway yesterday and walked off into the living room and left them there.

I immediatley shouted her back and said "Excuse me, do those shoes belong there? Someone is going to break their neck on them!"

AIBU thinking that all this is disrespectful to our house?

Im sick to death of getting on their backs about stuff, it really irritates me, or is it normal for children of this age to not flush toilets, put shoes were they belong etc??

When i mention it to DH, he just shrugs and says its because they arent taught to do these things on a daily basis at their mums.

I haven't read the whole thread OP because it has really upset me. I have been in DSS' life for 8 years nearly, and the thought of him being treated the way your stepchildren are makes me want to cry. It did make me cry when he was dropped off at ours covered in sunburn and blisters, because I care. Even if he can be the World's Most Annoying Child (TM) or pees all over the toilet seat.

I seriously can't believe how you chose to marry and procreate with a man who systematically neglects and allows the neglect of his own children??!

I am disgusted and really hope this is a troll. If one of my friends spoke about their stepchildren the way you are, and the way you describe the way they are 'looked after' by their own parents, I would call social services myself.

(My point about the sunburn was that it was one time, and in comparison to two children being covered in shit and nits, not really all that serious!)

OP I can understand if you feel you can't come back here - you've been given a pretty hard time. I really hope that you are still reading this though, and that you understand why everyone is so outraged and upset.

I don't know if there is any point in continuing to express outrage/sadness/disgust to this thread but it is imperative that something is done for those children, and as you are the only person 'we' can talk to, we all ask that it is you that makes that difference. Please be that person OP.

YABU about the shoes.

The toilet thing might get on my tits at that age. I wouldn't sit them down for a rule enforcing conversation though, that's all a bit negative. I used to dread my step mum pulling me asside for a word. It felt like she was looking for things that we did wrong. Don't put all the blame on their mother, she may well be tearing her hair out at it too, and assuming you guys just let them get away with not flushing all the time which is why they forget. You need a positive reinforcement. If they remember to flush the toilet every time they get pocket money.

I'd be very concerned about their father and mother not talking more than anything. You can't really resolve a lot of parenting issues without healthy communication from both parents, regardless of personal feelings.

I am horrified for these children. People like you give step mothers a bad name. How can you let this go on?
Please get ss involved and start showing an interest in them. They will be your child's siblings.

Oh, I replied to this off the OP and not the other information given. I think the biggest culprit in all this is your partner tbh. I don't even want to think about what he's done to deserve not being on the birth certificate, not being told where the children live or their school, and it's even worse that he is not fighting to be involved with these things. He should be asking where their school reading books are, cooking with them to show them a healthier alternative to waht they have at home, taking them out for the day instead of letting them fester indoors and leave you, heavily pregnant to clean up the mess when you get back. He should be buying them clothes for his/your house, and washing and sending back them back in the clothes they come in. He should be doing all this. It's really made my piss boil, how irresponsible he is.

If I can just give you one piece of advice before you have your pfb, children take a LOT more love than they give. Your own won't be much easier without the input from this feckless waste of space. You need to get him to step up asap, or you are better off reporting your step children to social services and removing yourself and your child from this situation.

OP, I get this is hard for you. You are young, heavily pregnant, somewhat isolated, and when you're about to have a baby with your DH, it's pretty hard to face the fact that he is a very flawed parent. You don't want this to be true. You don't want to face how bad the situation is. It's understandable. But you're still going to have to step up to the plate.

It's not fair, because of course it should be the father and mother. But this isn't about fairness. You can choose to be complicit in neglect, or you can choose to be a decent human being.

Sorry to post so late on this thread but I felt I couldn't ignore.
COngratulations on the birth of your baby.
The situation you describe for your SCs worries me (and others as they have mentioned). It makes for uncomfortable and upsetting reading.
In your position I think I would try to offer hospitality to these children. I know they are not your own DCs but you are in their lives and can make a huge difference to them. This would include a smile, kindness, a tasty meal, a warm bath and fluffy pjs, a story and a cuddle and the opportunity to spend some quality time with their new half sib. I would be doing their laundry too. Children cannot learn to take care of themselves properly if they don't receive this from other ppl along the way.Re: the question of neglect and referring to SS, I appreciate you are in a difficult position with their father but making a referral does not mean that children are going to be taken into care and it is not always easy to predict what they might want to become involved in. There are differeing levels of intervention and it sounds as though all adults here could do with some support in their parenting. FWIW I have heard very positive things from new mothers about the supportand advice that can be either offered or accessed via their health visitor. You have a lot to deal with atm. I hope things go well.

Op can I ask how old you are?

Becoming a step parent can sometimes be hard to adjust to, especially as you have recently become a new mother.

I hope you can come back to the thread and update so you can receive more support on doing the best you can for these children.

bluelights I think Op is 25/26?

Having read this thread in it's entirety I can only say that there is something very very wrong and sad about the entire situation. The children's mum and dad seem utterly inept/neglectful and OP doesn't seem to know what her role as step mum should entail.

Those poor children

Totally agree alis, such a sad situation, op is in a role where she can be a life line for these children but doesn't seem to be able to get over the resentment she holds for them.

And the dad? Words fail me.

Op needs to step up to the challenge, I think I read somewhere that she had reported to ss, I'd like to know what has happened since then, such a shame she couldn't build relationships with the children before her own child came along, hopefully the children will want to spend time with their new baby brother or sister and they can bond although I have a fear that op won't want the smelly children with nits near her new baby

Ask them to flush and put a nice picture/sign up to remind them, then reward them when they do. A little gift on leaving would be nice. Don't let yourself get wound up waiting for them to do something wrong, they are just children, tell what you want them to do (flush) and not to do (shoes), remind them and reward them (even a smile is a reward). Good luck