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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Am i expecting too much??

463 replies

LittleSugaPlum · 16/09/2012 15:05

DH has his two children round every sat for the day.

One boy aged 10, one girl aged 8.

Im getting really irritated with them not flushing the toilet when they have finished, i have one upstairs and one downstairs. Everytime they come, both toilets have never been flushed by them.

They dont use toilet paper either. Yesterday i was out all day, came home around 6ish, didnt go upstairs until 11pm.

Went to use the upstairs loo before bed, the bathroom door was shut - which is unusual.

I opened it and the stench knocked me sick!! I was retching like mad.

The toilet was full of shit, no toilet paper in toilet, it took 4 flushes to get rid of it.

The smell in the bathroom was awful, i couldnt use the toilet.

DH tells me it was the 10year old that had been playing upstairs, the younger one hadnt been upstairs.

AIBU in thinking that at 8 and 10 years old children should be able to wipe their backside and flush the toilet???

Ive never known them to flush the toilet.

The 8 year old took her shoes off in the middle of the kitchen doorway yesterday and walked off into the living room and left them there.

I immediatley shouted her back and said "Excuse me, do those shoes belong there? Someone is going to break their neck on them!"

AIBU thinking that all this is disrespectful to our house?

Im sick to death of getting on their backs about stuff, it really irritates me, or is it normal for children of this age to not flush toilets, put shoes were they belong etc??

When i mention it to DH, he just shrugs and says its because they arent taught to do these things on a daily basis at their mums.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 16/09/2012 15:50

There is obviously a problem if their underwear is caked in shit. I think you are rotten to send it back to their mum, it might be nothing to do with 'not teaching them' and everything to do with them being upset. You are their step mother and part of that role is to care for your step children while they are in your care and if that means washing shitty pants then so be it.If you can't bring yourself to do it then your dh should!

Kids usually kick off over food, sleep or the toilet as those three things are the only things they have control over.

Stop punishing them over the toilet issue - they will end up resenting you, it's their father's job not yours. Remind them gently every time you find an unflushed loo.

omletta · 16/09/2012 15:51

Perhaps you could teach them go to wipe? - don't know though as they are quite an age and might not be comfy with that. It doesn't sound like ou have a great relationship.

I sympathise regarding the nits - but surely you treated them, and would rather do so than have them carry on with nits? If they are coming every week you could do a quick nit/conditioner comb and ensure they never have them.

valiumredhead · 16/09/2012 15:51

Just x posted with your post OP.

I feel very sorry for the kids Sad

LittleSugaPlum · 16/09/2012 15:51

I know sounds like a cow, i dont mean to be a cow, but im very houseproud, and expect my house to be respected.

DH is so relaxed hes practically horizontal!!

He lets things go over his head, i always say to him i wish i could walk around like im sitting on a cloud all day!! lol

OP posts:
carabos · 16/09/2012 15:52

Not flushing the toilet would be a massive issue for me. I don't get how kids of that age haven't learnt how to wipe, flush and then wash their hands as reflex.

I went to a friend's house the other day and used her downstairs loo. I nearly reeled over backwards - it was like the worst public toilet you could imagine. Loo seat was up, it was stuffed with shit and paper, stinking and the hand towel was on the floor. Her DCs are 16 and 12.

It's not a minor issue - its dirty and anti social.

WorraLiberty · 16/09/2012 15:53

I know you've been their step mum for a year but how long have you been in the kid's lives?

How old were they when you started dating their Dad?

valiumredhead · 16/09/2012 15:54

Oh yeah and parenting is pretty boring and well, shitty for want of a better phrase - parents have to de nit their kids, clean the bath and wash shitty knickers.

If things are really that bad then you ought to be seriously worried (NOT angry) about these poor kids who would rather sit in their own shit than wipe themselves, and seek some proper help. Or rather, you dh should.

valiumredhead · 16/09/2012 15:55

I know sounds like a cow, i dont mean to be a cow, but im very houseproud, and expect my house to be respected

It's NOTHING to do with respect, you need to stop seeing it as a personal dig at you.

valiumredhead · 16/09/2012 15:56

It's more than likely a response to upheaval in their lives.

ekidna · 16/09/2012 15:56

agree

LittleSugaPlum · 16/09/2012 15:56

DH always sticks up for them which is natural really as you dont like to see your own children in a negative way.

I do struggle with other peoples children in general.

But i think when they are your own, you tolerate them more i guess and dont see things as an issue.

I ve taken a big step back as i felt like i was doing the parenting, the kids were even coming to me if they were fighting as they knew i would sort it immediatley.

OP posts:
LittleSugaPlum · 16/09/2012 15:58

DH had been split from their mum for about 2 years before i came on the scene.

DH tells me the kids have always been the same, even when they lived with their mum.

OP posts:
DixieD · 16/09/2012 15:58

Jesus OP, these kids do not sound lie they are getting looked after properly at their mums. Does this not worry you or thei dad? You are actually ensuring they spend more time in their mums, when you should be trying to ensure hey are there less.
Do you care more about your house than your step kids because it certainly sounds like it.
Poor things.

valiumredhead · 16/09/2012 15:59

Do you even like them OP, it doesn't sound it from your postsSad Do they make you laugh, do you cuddle them, do things together?

peanutMD · 16/09/2012 16:00

I actually sympathise a bit with the OP.

Is it just me who thinks that the OP sounds like things have just built up over time and because DH doesn't support in any if these issues there may well be resentment from the children and their 'moany step mother' and the step mother and the 'bratty kids'.

I think your DH needs to start taking notice and help educate his children and step up to help then if their mother is so useless that she won't even de-lice them?

The children aren't being treated with respect from any adults on this scenario so why would they give any back?!

MadamFolly · 16/09/2012 16:01

It sounds like they are being neglected. How much do you know about their lives at their mothers?

valiumredhead · 16/09/2012 16:02

Do they know why they don't stay over night?

DixieD · 16/09/2012 16:02

Fuck OP, they are not 'other peoples kids'. They are your husbands kids. His flesh and blood. The man you love, they are part of him. It sounds like they don't have a great home life. And you resent them for cluttering up your home?
They are not some strangers children in the supermarket or something.

mellen · 16/09/2012 16:02

I feel really sorry for the kids here. Sad

burmac · 16/09/2012 16:03

What do you like about the kids? Have you any common ground about things you enjoy - that's the place to start.

My ex' partner was a bit like you sound and the upshot is as soon as they got old enough my kids refused to go and their relationship with their dad went pear.

LittleSugaPlum · 16/09/2012 16:03

I have spoken to DH about maybe reporting their mum to SS but he fears the kids will be put into care. She had a visit from SS about 4 years ago, but they only came once and that was something to do with driving like a maniac with the kids in the car.

I struggle to get on with them, i suppose i ve started seeing them as a inconvience - horrible i know.

OP posts:
mellen · 16/09/2012 16:05

The kids would only be put into care if they don't have a parent or other relative willing and able to care for them Angry

anastaisia · 16/09/2012 16:06

It seems horribly unfair that the children don't stay over because it was too stressful! Your husband has children he is responsible for. He can't just choose not to be responsible because it's stressful for him or for you!

It DOES sound like they need more supervision/interaction while they're doing things not after they've already made a big mess than some children their age would, and that's your DH's responsibility not really yours. Although it would be good and kind of you to do some of it.

Does your DH recognise that if the children have always been like that it's because him and their mum haven't done a stellar job so far and maybe he needs to do better?

LittleSugaPlum · 16/09/2012 16:06

valium No they dont know why they dont stay overnight.

Im sitting here now and trying to think what i like about them, and im struggling to find anything :-(

Not a good situation really

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 16/09/2012 16:07

A long time ago I nannied for a boy who also had his cousin over most days. She was about 10 and a funny little thing, bit distant and not very clean looking. She had poo problems and hid her underwear, in fact her Aunty found loads of hidden soiled knickers. Long story short was that the poor girl was being abused. This thread has reminded me of her Sad