Am i expecting too much??

[LittleSugaPlum]

DH has his two children round every sat for the day.

One boy aged 10, one girl aged 8.

Im getting really irritated with them not flushing the toilet when they have finished, i have one upstairs and one downstairs. Everytime they come, both toilets have never been flushed by them.

They dont use toilet paper either. Yesterday i was out all day, came home around 6ish, didnt go upstairs until 11pm.

Went to use the upstairs loo before bed, the bathroom door was shut - which is unusual.

I opened it and the stench knocked me sick!! I was retching like mad.

The toilet was full of shit, no toilet paper in toilet, it took 4 flushes to get rid of it.

The smell in the bathroom was awful, i couldnt use the toilet.

DH tells me it was the 10year old that had been playing upstairs, the younger one hadnt been upstairs.

AIBU in thinking that at 8 and 10 years old children should be able to wipe their backside and flush the toilet???

Ive never known them to flush the toilet.

The 8 year old took her shoes off in the middle of the kitchen doorway yesterday and walked off into the living room and left them there.

I immediatley shouted her back and said "Excuse me, do those shoes belong there? Someone is going to break their neck on them!"

AIBU thinking that all this is disrespectful to our house?

Im sick to death of getting on their backs about stuff, it really irritates me, or is it normal for children of this age to not flush toilets, put shoes were they belong etc??

When i mention it to DH, he just shrugs and says its because they arent taught to do these things on a daily basis at their mums.

I am reading this thread in total disbelief - OP, you and your husband clearly have no compassion for two children who are desperately in need and no humanity whatsoever. I hope that by having your own baby you will see how truly appalling your attitude, conduct and approach to these two children, who ARE being neglected, is.

They are not your children, no. They are your husband's children and they are the siblings of your unborn baby. Do something and do something NOW before the situation for them escalates even further

Be the person to show these children a little of what they deserve - I couldn't see children I had no relation to being treated so badly. It's upsetting to read, it really is.

Help stop the nits from biting their scalps.
Give them a bath and show them how to maintain basic person hygiene.
Sit down and read with them.
Show an interest in their schooling.
Buy them new, clean clothes.
Have them stay over and make them feel wanted.
Cook them healthy meals.
Contact Social Services and stop the neglect.

Teach your husband how to PARENT.

And once you have done the above, then you worry about something futile like whether or not they flush the loo!

Im just wondering if when this baby comes along whether you intend on being out all day while they are there?

OP, I cannot get my head around your complete detachment from this whole situation that is very much EVERYTHING to do with you- the lights are on but there's no one in!

You say your own baby will be very well cared for, what do you mean by this? Are you talking about practical welfare? What about love and affection do you know what that means(serious question)?

I feel so sorry for those children.
There's enough men on this planet that don't have children, why didn't you have a relationship with one of them?
You talk about his children in such a nasty way. You sound heartless.
Come back here in 8 or 10 years and tell us all about your perfect child that never poo's and doesn't flush, puts its shoes away, is immune to nits, always behaves perfectly.
If you become any sort of parent,step parents included, you accept all the rubbish times come along with all the nicest times.
You could help these children but you won't.

I just read the OPs other posts on different threads.. it doesnt make for very comfortable reading either.

According to OP, when the kids come on a saturday, he puts some DVDs on for them and leaves them to it, and goes into his office.

:(

And it sounds like you are saying as long as you and your baby are ok then nothing else matters. That's horrible.

I am reading this and simply cannot believe that anyone could just stand by and watch the abuse these children are suffering.
Op you really have no concerns that that father of these children is complicit in this abuse?
All the adults in these poor children's lives, you included, are a disgrace, you should be hanging your head in shame.Instead your whining about a dirty toilet

Curiously, on another thread, the OP says that when she met her husband, he reeked of B.O. so she texted him to tell him, and he said he had never used deodorant before, but started to do so after she asked him to and no longer smells.

So clearly OP does have some knowledge of basic hygiene, even if the father doesnt. Sad that she doesnt feel she can help her stepchildren, isnt it.

OP, you do need to do something here. You are pregnant and these are your DC's siblings.

Imagine your son/daughter reading this thread in 15 years time and thinking "god, mum wouldn't have my siblings in the house overnight because they were neglected and dirty".

I would be absolutely furious if I discovered my patents had treated my siblings like this, no matter how good my own care. Remember that your DC may have relationships with their siblings long after you are dead and gone and this may be something they find it hard to forgive you for.

I had to disappear for a bit to feed all my children and drive my DSC back to their Mums. I have the most wonderful relationship with them, I am so grateful, for the opportunity to have been an influential part of them lives. I've been their DSM for 10 years, and it just gets better.

I think you have grossly exaggerated things;

Skidders in pants are normal at this age, they are learning personal hygiene. Pants 'caked in shit' are not.

Forgetting to flush the loo is not a big deal, my 10 year old always forgets, I just remind him, no problem.

Most kids get nits, it's not a big deal, you just deal with it. I've just spent a three week holiday conditioner combing my DSD hair to get rid of them (again) - I don't think she's neglected, I just think 'she's got nits, she's my DSD ergo I jdeal with it.'

I'm not the best parent, I am sometimes shouty Mum / SMum, sometimes i get drunk and i often feed them pot noodles and fruit shoots, but I am very aware of the privilege which it is to have the opportunity to influence. Why you wouldn't grasp that opportunity with your steps, I just can't understand.

I've not got much to add that hasn't already been mentioned by previous posters, but wrt the nits, you treating them and then a week later they come back covered. With nits you put the special shampoo in their hair then you need to do it a week later to make sure you get all the ones that have hatched since treatment.

You say your DH wouldn't have any time for fun with them if he was constantly de-lousing and cleaning them (for a start his child's care should come bloody first!), but sticking them in a bath once they get there and then giving them clean clothes to wear afterwards wouldn't take up the whole day.

You could take them for longer too but refuse due to them being unclean, if you cleaned and properly de-loused them in the morning once they arrived then surely then you'd be ok with them staying in your nice clean house overnight? If that's your DH's main concern then he'd have plenty of time for 'fun'.

I think the OP is grossly exaggerating aswell, I think the reality is she does not want them around with her own baby due.

I refuse to believe that the Father, Mother, Mothers Partner, Grandparents and the School either do not care or do not think that the situation is as the OP says.

She may have been here a while and posted before but I truly do not think things are as bad as she says.

Goldmantra your post has brought tears to my eyes. I can't comment on anything else in this thread. I can't add to the disgust and disbelief that's already been expressed. And op I don't think you're listening anyway.

Agreed Dreams - spot on, new baby...

Hi all,

Many thanks for the reports about this thread, we will be going through it shortly.

Please can we ask that you do not troll hunt on the thread. If you are wrong, it can cause upset and if you are right, you are giving the troll the attention that they so want. You can read more about our Troll hunting policy here.

We have no reason to believe that the OP is trolling at this time.

Thank you once again to those who reported.

OP, please read Goldmandras post on the other page. I think you would find all the points made very reasonable and helpful to you.

I wish there were more people like her in the world.

OP this is such a horrible situation for these poor, poor children- surely anyone could see that this needs to be taken up with SS.

Teach your 'D' H to parent these kids- you don't need to have experience with older kids to have the common sense of how to bathe one, de-nit them (head lice solution come with instructions!)- You said before they return with nits after you had previously cleared- buy a repellent spray and teach kids how to use it and send it home with them.

Have these children over night, both you and their dad should both sit down and let them know what is expected while they are there and nicely remind them- it will take time but they will start to get it if you are consistent. You can then start to teach them how to care for themselves.

I do hope that when you have your baby that these children will not be further pushed out, you should see you home as a happy, loving, safe place for them to be nurtured and cared for and create memories with their family.

My parents divorced when I was 12, when I was 14 my father had re-married- my step mother had (and still has) no children and it was clear she was not happy to share her house or my fathers free time with me and my sister (4yrs younger) as soon as i turned 16 I rarely saw my father and the same with my sister. My sister and I last had any contact with our dad when my grandmother died 5 years ago. We both agree that it issues with step mum that have caused this and the same thing will happen to you step children should you continue to find you cannot tolerate them in your home.

Sorry- post was shorter in my head

Thanks for all the lovely comments.

It's clear from this thread that the vast majority of MNers would do exactly the same were they given the opportunity so I was just lucky.

I just wanted the OP to see that there is a point in making an effort to improve the lives of these children. It doesn't take a lot to make a large and lasting difference and it could lead to a much happier future for all concerned, not least the OP and her baby.

OP, you are in the position of being able to see, before your child's birth, what kind of father your husband is. Your DH is showing you what kind of father he is. A disengaged, passive one who is unaffected and unconcerned by his own children being so neglected, who will happily give up time with them at the behest of his wife because she finds it too hard. And this is the man you have chosen to be the father to your own child? God help him/her, God help your step-children, and God help YOU when this all comes crashing around you and it's YOUR precious child being treated like this by their own father.

Goldmandra, that was a beautiful post. Well done for making such a difference in that boy's life.

OptimisticPessimist - you are spot on.

Is this OP reluctant to phone SS and force the issue in case the kids end up with her permanently?

I am a stepparent to two children the same age. I go to their parents meetings, clubs,have their friends to stay,bath them and wash their clothes shock horror even when they have had accidents. Im not looking for a pat on the back,its what i expected when i moved in with dp. His children became our children and i love them dearly. They drive me batty at times as does my ds but they are my life those three children. Your post is very detached from them and it makes me so sad. You could change things and build a wonderful relationship. For your childs sake i hope you do

On another thread the OP talks about how her DH wants to spend £150 on his DD for her birthday, and she thinks this is too much, although she can afford it.

So she is happy to get involved in that part of her step-DC's upbringing.

:(

Noblegirrafe, I think you have hit the nail on the head!