Am i expecting too much??

[LittleSugaPlum]

DH has his two children round every sat for the day.

One boy aged 10, one girl aged 8.

Im getting really irritated with them not flushing the toilet when they have finished, i have one upstairs and one downstairs. Everytime they come, both toilets have never been flushed by them.

They dont use toilet paper either. Yesterday i was out all day, came home around 6ish, didnt go upstairs until 11pm.

Went to use the upstairs loo before bed, the bathroom door was shut - which is unusual.

I opened it and the stench knocked me sick!! I was retching like mad.

The toilet was full of shit, no toilet paper in toilet, it took 4 flushes to get rid of it.

The smell in the bathroom was awful, i couldnt use the toilet.

DH tells me it was the 10year old that had been playing upstairs, the younger one hadnt been upstairs.

AIBU in thinking that at 8 and 10 years old children should be able to wipe their backside and flush the toilet???

Ive never known them to flush the toilet.

The 8 year old took her shoes off in the middle of the kitchen doorway yesterday and walked off into the living room and left them there.

I immediatley shouted her back and said "Excuse me, do those shoes belong there? Someone is going to break their neck on them!"

AIBU thinking that all this is disrespectful to our house?

Im sick to death of getting on their backs about stuff, it really irritates me, or is it normal for children of this age to not flush toilets, put shoes were they belong etc??

When i mention it to DH, he just shrugs and says its because they arent taught to do these things on a daily basis at their mums.

And apparently her self employed husband doesn't earn as much as she does and he just spends his time in the office when the children come on Saturdays.

I think she's worried that she might have to have them live in her house and she certainly doesn't want to spend any time or money on them. I also find it incredible that he doesn't know where they live or what school they go to.

Neither of them sound remotely interested in these children or in their well being.

I agree 100% with Goldmandra and well done to her for making such a huge difference to that child's life.
The welfare of children is the responsibility of ALL of us.
The closer we are the greater the responsibility but just being in the position to help a child means we have an obligation to.
It can be difficult, it is nearly always stressful but we have an obligation.

If you do to op you are culpable in their neglect and you should be ashamed.
Their father is a disgrace and you are colluding with him.

If you pm me the children's names I will contact SS if you will not.

These children are suffering and those with the power to help are not doing enough.

"And apparently her self employed husband doesn't earn as much as she does and he just spends his time in the office when the children come on Saturdays"

but oddly, on another thread only a month ago, she doesnt work at all, and helps him out in his business...

Goldmandra you're amazing. That really made me well up a bit.

OP not everyone likes other peoples children, you cant make yourself like your step children, but for goodness sake you can have some humanity surely?

Your husband sounds useless. Call SS.

I just want to echo what everyone else has said on the thread, so the OP's in no doubt that what she has posted is not acceptable in any way.

How distressing to see the inside of how this type of neglect takes root, and is justified by all the adults around the children.

You really should be ashamed of the way you've chosen to deal with this OP, when children are involved it's not OK to bury your head in the sand because you're feeling unappreciated and it's all too much for you.

Also agree you sound a bloody lovely person Goldmandra, as you can see from the OP, not everyone would have taken the time to make the DC feel comfortable and secure

OP any minute now "those children" will not only be your step-children, but your own DC's step-brother and step-sister.

If you can't bring yourself to be the one shining light in their lives, for them, do it for your baby who one day, will be so proud that you were the one who fought for his/her siblings.

You are carving out your baby's life now. Already. Make it right.

Or do nothing. Continue to blame everyone else, let "those children" run live
With nits, sit in shit, fail at school and want for love and attention and perhaps you can explain to your own DC why their chance of childhood happiness wasn't as valid as his/hers.

Please do the right thing. I can almost guarantee they are being bullied at school as well if they smell, so basically shit life at home with their mum, shit visits with you two and shit time at school

I can't even be bothered talk about what a
twat your DH is and how badly he is failing them.

Please OP. i don't think you are evil but I do think you are naive and self-serving. You being cruel - intentionally or not. Retread Goldmaras post - you could be writing that for someone else in a few years.

Have nothing to say to OP.

But just wanted to say I am blessed with four equally wonderful parents - my mum, my dad, and their respective spouses.

My step dad has nursed me through illness, driven me across the country countless times, given up precious free time to provide childcare for his many grandchildren (he makes no differentiation between bloods and steps), and has taught me so much on a million subjects. He held me and cared for me through pnd. He hates anybody ever saying thank you, he just waves his hand and shakes his head as if to dismiss any need to even acknowledge all he does for us.

He cooks wonderful meals and doesn't even blink when randoms turn up looking hungry. When any baby cries or needs a nappy change, he cheerfully swoops them up, takes them away, and we don't see them again until they are clean and happy (or blissfully asleep!).

We are all so lucky.

Many many iFails. Sorry

I have just read her other threads. Its all me, me, me and anything to do with her own perfect baby is ok, she has unlimited time, money and understanding but all she does is be nasty about her step children.
She doesn't want them to get any of her money (CSA). Poor children.

How do you read her other threads? I clicked her name but nothing happened....?

On another of your threads OP you say the children have already told you they are unhappy at home but can't/won't tell you why. BIG RED FLAG!!

another to say goldmandras post is lovely

troll, not troll? this story is sad. sad sad sad

Goldmandra that was so inspiring to read, but also upsetting. Especially the bit where at 7 years old (my ds is 7) he asked you wash his coat - that made me cry. To think such a little boy would even have to do that because he was getting bullied. OP - I think this is a really good example to illustrate how hygiene neglect is neglect all the same.

fucking hell, jesus wept. Those two poor kids, being neglected by everyone. OP why the fuck would you marry and have a child with such a useless twat of a man. Really, are your standards that low? TBH you sound as dimwitted as him if you really dont comprehend how your lack of action makes you as bad as your dp.

This is a horrible horrible story, it makes me sick to think of children being treat this way. Op you should be so ashamed of yourself.

Op, how the hell do you sleep at night ?

You are an absolute disgrace for standing back and not helping those children . Why haven't YOU had words with their mother if they are constantly filthy like you say ?
You're H is obviously a useless twat and doesn't care about his kids.

Tbh I wouldn't be happy leaving you and your h to look after a dog , you should both be ashamed of yourselves .

I have read all this and I feel utterly sick for those poor kids. Op, you and your 'd'h should be utterly disgusted with yourselves but you just don't get it do you! I'm lost for words.

"I dont want them to be worse off in care, than what they are now.

I know children are alot more neglected than they are

Children are sexually, emotionally and physically abused on a daily basis. These children are not.

Yes they are scruffy, are poorly educated, and do have soiled marks in their underwear and nits, but its not a really bad case of abuse

Its just not very nice for them"

Can I just address the above statements by the OP?

I was taken into care. My life improved dramatically.

This isn't a competition about "who is more neglected than whom". Neglect is wrong, particularly of young children who cannot care for themselves. If you have the brains to spot neglect and do not involve help the children or involve SS then you are neglecting the children as well.

You have no idea if the children are being sexually, emotionally or physically abused as you have no idea where they live, what school they go to, and they are reluctant to tell you anything "unless Mummy finds out". These are all red flags.

Being scruffy, poorly educated and having soiled underwear at ages 8 and 10 are signs of neglect. Again, it's not a league table of abuse - it's not important that other children are more abused than them, it is important that they are abused.

You're right, it's not very nice for them.

For the record, I was sent to school in clean clothes, I did not have nits, I had just about enough to eat, and I was still removed from my house for neglect. I'm glad my teachers who spotted the signs were more compassionate and more willing to stick their necks out than you.

Neglect is the most common form of abuse. With her work background, the OP should know that.

Goldmandra

Wow... just wow - can I say Thank You... I have no connection to you or the boy you effectively brought up but I think you deserve an acknowledgement for what you did for him.

It's not easy to step into these situations. I struggled with a similar situation to Goldmandra with a friend's children. I found it incredibly difficult to cope with - seeing the kids constantly filthy, covered in nits, clothes dirty or too small was heart-breaking and not being able to really say anything incase you lost contact was such a fine line to walk all the time.

I did contact NSPCC - they advised to talk to the local surestart but I have to say, in reflection they badly let the kids down as they refused to 'get involved' even though they knew the family and the family was accessing some services. They even acknowledged that the kids had turned up to groups hungry because the parent had not managed to sort out breakfast or lunch.

In the end I decided to pull my support out (though I stayed close to my friend - I just made myself unavailable) as I saw that she was using the kids other parent and the wider family more but preferred to use me. As I pulled out the family took over more and more.
All is well now but those days haunt me and I wish I had done more.

For what it's worth OP... not only did I bath these kids but I stuck my own in so that they were just playing before a sleepover. I would have to shower them individually after the bath to swill the filth soap off - my own child caught nits and worms more times than I care to mention.

But they alternative was that they wouldn't get it at all and that in my book could not happen. I couldn't change their world but my god I could try and make it different for a little while.

Call SS tomorrow... the children have no other hope now.

I will be thinking of these kids tonight

I had to stop reading as OP's attitude was making me so angry. These are not "other people's children"!!! WTAF?!?! They are your step children, and you are in their lives regardless of whether you like it or not.

It's not completely your responsibility to help them, but you at least need to try to help and perhaps your DH might attempt it too.

You just come across as if the children are a major inconvenience in your life, which is so sad.

I really hope these 2 girls get the love, support and security they need sooner rather than later.

The OP and her husband are colluding in the abuse of these children. I would imagine if their underwear is soiled as much as the OP says, caked in shit I believe is the delightful turn of phrase she used, then school must have noticed something by now, even if just the smell, and raised concerns, sometimes an additional referral can give concerns that extra push for SS to intervene.

So yes OP refer ASAP, or you might find your cosy little life disrupted even more, as SS may decide your parenting (because you are parenting those children one day a week, your husband is their PARENT) is questionable and your new baby could end up in the child protection arena as well.

DayShiftDoris, thankyou but it isn't deserved. The point I was trying to make to the OP is that it wasn't hard to do and I reaped far more than I sowed. You don't have to change everything about their lives to make a worthwhile difference.

I had a similar experience with agencies who were meant to be there to protect children, although SS did give him a full time nursery place which was a start. He then had nappy changes and decent meals every weekday.

I think the OP has given up responding but that doesn't mean she hasn't taken some of this away to think about. She did, after all come here looking for advice so maybe she will process what's been said and realise that by doing nothing she is colluding in the abuse.

All this stuff about the father not being on the birth certificate is worrying.
With the other red flags it points to a person who does what she can to obstruct potential intervention.
And why has the father not applied for PR and to go on the BCs. He had two children by this child over 2 years and has been in contact for 10 years. It is hardly a fling! Perhaps he refused to be put on the BCs.

OP will he be on your baby's birth certificate? What will you do if he refuses to come to register the birth with you?

SlightlyJaded A minor point here. If the OP's husband/partner is the father of the needy children and the soon-to-be-born child, they will be half brother and half sister to the newborn (blood relatives). Step children are from two separate families.

MrsdeVere I think only one parent is needed to register a birth.