Am i expecting too much??

[LittleSugaPlum]

DH has his two children round every sat for the day.

One boy aged 10, one girl aged 8.

Im getting really irritated with them not flushing the toilet when they have finished, i have one upstairs and one downstairs. Everytime they come, both toilets have never been flushed by them.

They dont use toilet paper either. Yesterday i was out all day, came home around 6ish, didnt go upstairs until 11pm.

Went to use the upstairs loo before bed, the bathroom door was shut - which is unusual.

I opened it and the stench knocked me sick!! I was retching like mad.

The toilet was full of shit, no toilet paper in toilet, it took 4 flushes to get rid of it.

The smell in the bathroom was awful, i couldnt use the toilet.

DH tells me it was the 10year old that had been playing upstairs, the younger one hadnt been upstairs.

AIBU in thinking that at 8 and 10 years old children should be able to wipe their backside and flush the toilet???

Ive never known them to flush the toilet.

The 8 year old took her shoes off in the middle of the kitchen doorway yesterday and walked off into the living room and left them there.

I immediatley shouted her back and said "Excuse me, do those shoes belong there? Someone is going to break their neck on them!"

AIBU thinking that all this is disrespectful to our house?

Im sick to death of getting on their backs about stuff, it really irritates me, or is it normal for children of this age to not flush toilets, put shoes were they belong etc??

When i mention it to DH, he just shrugs and says its because they arent taught to do these things on a daily basis at their mums.

I dont want them to be worse off in care, than what they are now.

I know children are alot more neglected than they are

Children are sexually, emotionally and physically abused on a daily basis. These children are not.

Yes they are scruffy, are poorly educated, and do have soiled marks in their underwear and nits, but its not a really bad case of abuse

Its just not very nice for them

Oh God. You just don't get it do you. No matter how many people have spoken to you nicely and not so nicely - you don't get it. And here's the thing - you NEVER will. Shame on you both.

Well then, as long as its not a really bad case of abuse....

The OP wouldn't know what compassion was if it jumped out from behind a bush wearing a t.shirt with COMPASSION emblazoned across the front.

Are they really as bad as this or have you perhaps exaggerated how awful they are to justify your very poor attitude to them, and now can't back down when people demand to know why you haven't called SS to protect them?

Are they, in fact, 'caked in shit' and unable to write their own names, or do they occasionally have little accidents and leave skidmarks like kids do? Because everything, everything else sounds like normal kids - my DD had nits repeatedly for what seemed like a year, despite all the treatment in the world - who you resent caring for.

What planet are some of you on? You cant just not take the kids back to their mums?

We have done this before and the police were at our door within 2 hours saying we had no right to keep them as their mum had full residency. They werent very nice about it to be honest and took the kids back to their mums.

Yes they are scruffy, are poorly educated, and do have soiled marks in their underwear and nits, but its not a really bad case of abuse

Oh yes it is. Anyone who had worked in childcare for 2-3 minutes would know that, let alone the years you claim to have done.

their underwear is caked in shit, not their clothes or hands or fingernails

Then why didnt you tell the police of the problems when they knocked on your door?

Some children are worse off - that's why your DH stepping up and actually parenting them is the best option, with you doing what you can despite his lack of action coming second. Then Social Services can use their time and resources on those other children.

But if he or you aren't prepared to do that then you need to refer it to them so that someone takes action as currently these children are being neglected. Which is treated by social services and in law as a form of abuse.

how do you know what they eat, what they say, that they smell

when in your words as soon as they turn up you go out until they have left

Conan I've tried compassion but no mater how much anyone tries to give advice it is ignored and a very me, me, me answer is issued!!

Sugaplum I cannot believe you have just given that reply! Abuse is abuse no matter how serious you think it is, it will have an affect on them confidence, socially, mentally and emotionally well all be damaged by this and you are just standing by

The police werent interested. Their mothers dad has liasons with the police, hes the one who rang them, so they didnt believe a word we said about the neglect.

Right. Well as long as they aren't being BADLY abused, just a little bit, you just carry on then.

FFS.

How can you say 'If i didnt care, i wouldnt be on DH back all the time about involving SS'

When apparently until about 16.50 today you had no idea they would be interested?

I do have to ask, how do you have ANY respect for their father?

no i didnt know whether they would be interested, but that doesnt mean i havent been discussing involving them with DH

Wow... just wow. OP, you are an absolute disgrace. Why the bloody hell would you get together with someone who already had children if you were not prepared to tolerate them? I never thought I would get together with someone who had children, but I did. Because my DP is a fantastic dad, he said that if DSS and I had not got on, then there is no way he would have carried on the relationship.

Sometimes it is very hard to entertain someone elses child, but guess what, I love my DP and have grown to love his little boy, who is hard work at times but as we are a family unit when his son is with us then I dont moan if his son needs feeding, or his clothes need washing - I get on with it. On the other hand my DP is never one to shirk his duties when it comes to caring for his son and theres no way he would ever leave me to do all the work myself so your DH is clearly an utter bastard.

If there was any hint of my DSS being treated the way your poor step children are being treated, Id be doing absolutely everything in my power to make things better for him in any way I could. Because he is a defencelss CHILD and needs the adults in his life to look out for him. Luckily, my DSS has a mum and dad, as well as a stepdad and stepmum who always do their best for him. It breaks my heart that these two children dont have that.

I just cannot believe that you walk out of the house and never spend any time with them every time they are permitted to visit their own father, and they are too much trouble for you to have overnight. It seems to me you just want them out of your life, to get on with playing happy families. It might be easier for you but you cant do that when you have step children, its utterly wrong!

What about building a relationship with these children? Whats wrong with having them overnight on a saturday, and spending an hour or so each day reading with them after DP has bathed and de nitted them? That might give you or your husband a hint how well they are doing at school. Its obvious to me that you both just DONT CARE, but how the hell you cant care is beyond me. You should be fucking ashamed of yourself. Dont expect your husband to change when your baby is born. Would it be acceptable to you if your husband was looking after the baby and didnt change it's nappy for hours? I hope someone calls social services and soon.

"their underwear is caked in shit, not their clothes or hands or fingernails"

So, their underwear isn't their clothes?

Surely if it is, in your words, "caked in shit" they have had rashes and/or infections due to that.

I'm hoping this is a wind-up like several PP's have said, because I can't believe you don't see how serious this is. Abuse is abuse, it does nobody any good to say "Oh it doesn't matter because it's not as bad as..."

Why don't you if your so worried about these children start a diary! Detailing the state the arrive in! Take pics of the state of there clothes, including all shitty undies!!! Any thing the children say while they are there!!!
If these children are as caked in shit as u state they would be sore, with spots, and abysis by now, these are bloody painful and if left untreated will eventually lead to blood poisoning and will also damage the bowels!

You're right that without PR or residency you can't just keep the children. But if their home situation is as awful as you describe then your DH needs to go to a solicitor and start the process of getting PR and a more formal parenting arrangement so that he can stop his children from being neglected.

Or you speak to social services.

Ratbag, I've just done the same thing and come to the same conclusions...