Am i expecting too much??

[LittleSugaPlum]

DH has his two children round every sat for the day.

One boy aged 10, one girl aged 8.

Im getting really irritated with them not flushing the toilet when they have finished, i have one upstairs and one downstairs. Everytime they come, both toilets have never been flushed by them.

They dont use toilet paper either. Yesterday i was out all day, came home around 6ish, didnt go upstairs until 11pm.

Went to use the upstairs loo before bed, the bathroom door was shut - which is unusual.

I opened it and the stench knocked me sick!! I was retching like mad.

The toilet was full of shit, no toilet paper in toilet, it took 4 flushes to get rid of it.

The smell in the bathroom was awful, i couldnt use the toilet.

DH tells me it was the 10year old that had been playing upstairs, the younger one hadnt been upstairs.

AIBU in thinking that at 8 and 10 years old children should be able to wipe their backside and flush the toilet???

Ive never known them to flush the toilet.

The 8 year old took her shoes off in the middle of the kitchen doorway yesterday and walked off into the living room and left them there.

I immediatley shouted her back and said "Excuse me, do those shoes belong there? Someone is going to break their neck on them!"

AIBU thinking that all this is disrespectful to our house?

Im sick to death of getting on their backs about stuff, it really irritates me, or is it normal for children of this age to not flush toilets, put shoes were they belong etc??

When i mention it to DH, he just shrugs and says its because they arent taught to do these things on a daily basis at their mums.

"I dont want them to be worse off in care, than what they are now.

I know children are alot more neglected than they are

Children are sexually, emotionally and physically abused on a daily basis. These children are not.

Yes they are scruffy, are poorly educated, and do have soiled marks in their underwear and nits, but its not a really bad case of abuse

Its just not very nice for them"

You are not involved on the lives of the children who are more neglected, or more badly abused than these children are, so you can't do much, if anything for them. ^But you are involved in the lives of THESE children, and I don't see how you can ignore their plight, when you COULD do something to help them!"

"I dont want them to be worse off in care, than what they are now.

I know children are alot more neglected than they are

Children are sexually, emotionally and physically abused on a daily basis. These children are not.

Yes they are scruffy, are poorly educated, and do have soiled marks in their underwear and nits, but its not a really bad case of abuse

Its just not very nice for them"

You are not involved on the lives of the children who are more neglected, or more badly abused than these children are, so you can't do much, if anything for them. But you are involved in the lives of THESE children, and I don't see how you can ignore their plight, when you COULD do something to help them!"

Oh - not sure how that happened.

I didn't think this thread could get any worse...

Keep digging OP, the hole isn't quite deep enough yet.

Unfortunately SDTG you could say it fifty times and OP would just be back wailing about, wo me, my life is pants because my house smells!!!!!

If they can't read or write and smell of shit, and the school doesn't think there is a problem, it is the worst fucking school in the world.

And I cannot believe that your feckless dh would watch his own dc be taken into care rather than have them live with him. Why on earth did you marry such a kind and caring man, much less have a child with him?

OP your DH is an absolutely dreadful father.
Really really dreadful.

He would rather his DC be neglected (and they most certainly are) than look after them himself.

Ask yourself this: what sort of father is he going to make to your child? What would happen if you fell gravely ill or died? Would your child go into care?

Holy fuck. I've just read this whole thread open mouthed. I wish I knew where you & these poor children were as i'd be round with a bar of soap, some clean clothes and a cuddle for them and a few home truths for all the adults in their lives. I'm shocked to learn that there are people in the world who care more about the cleanliess of their bathroom than their children.

Please OP: get some clean clothes for these kids (ebay or supermarket cheapies would be fine), plonk them in the bath next time they come round, dress them in the clothes you've bought, teach the ten year old how to use the washing machine (&tell her she can bring their school uniform round to be washed each weekend if she wants), wash their clothes, put some wet wipes in the bathroom & tell them to ask for help if they need it, cuddle them at every possible opportunity, send them home in their clean clothes, but keep the ones they came in (that are now clean) for next weekend. Repeat each weekend. Add more cuddles. Please.

OP I was in your position some time ago.

A child who was close to me was not be cared for adequately. It was not bad enough for social services to take action but it was bad enough for me to feel distressed by what I saw.

This child spent every weekend with us for reasons I will not go into. From being a small baby he would arrive in clothes he had been wearing for days without any use of a bib, his nappy had always leaked in them and he always had nappy rash.

We would bath him on arrival and have suitable sized clothing I had bought from charity shops ready for him to wear.

We fed him well, washed his clothes, played with him, talked to him,.... and then at the end of the weekend we handed him back knowing that he was clean.

Over the years we dealt with lice, scabies, impetigo and other infections.

He learned personal hygiene from us and good manners.

We had little tea parties for his birthday - the only parties he ever had.

We didn't spend much money on him because we didn't have it and, anyway, we didn't want to make his parents feel threatened.

At the age of around 7 he started to secretly bring me things like his school coat to wash because his school friends used to complain about them smelling. I was glad to help him.

Later he confided in me when the neglect was starting to become abuse. I helped him to get the support he needed to put a stop to it.

I never resented needing to help him, teach him, care for him because it was not his fault that his parents neglected him.

He is now nearly 20 years old. My DDs look up to him as a big brother and adore him. His has just brought his girlfriend to meet us. I am ridiculously proud of him and he is well aware of what we did for him.

It was so worth it and maybe, if you do the same for these two LO's, you will get the same reward in years to come.

You are in the privileged position of being able to change these children's lives for the better. They don't seem to have exactly won the lottery in terms of their direct family. Why not see if you can help redress the balance a bit?

OP, has it occurred to you that if you and your partner should split in the future, he may well adopt the same disengaged/uninterested approach to YOUR child?

Be the parent those kids need FGS. Even if they are not that nice to you sometimes. Kids are like that. And these kids desperately need a loving, caring parent in their lives.

^^ this ^^

My this was aimed at goldmandra's post,but Sassy's is equally worthy

There are studies that show that if neglected, abused children have even one postive adult role model in their life who tells them are special and loved and makes them feel safe it will have a massive impact on their future well being and ability to live a safe, independent, successful life. As shown in Goldmandra's post.

Sadly, it seems that there are no such adults in these childrens life .

Goldmandra, that is lovely to hear. I doubt the OP is listening to anyone any more - she surely can't be, if reality hasn't sunk in yet - but I hope so much she sees your post.

Goldmantra what a fantastic post.

Goldmandra - you are a very special human being.

Haven't read whole thread completely but I think the op is getting too much blame in this situation. Her step children have two parents, who's job it is to bring up these kids up properly (and are obviously doing a crap job of it) she is just an added co-carer in reality. I can't imagine any mother on here who's children have a step parent welcoming any critism of their parenting by a step parent. The early times as a step parent can be difficult and, really, her only options are to have a damn good word with her dh, to get him to act in their best interests or report it to ss (which probably won't go down well with either of the children's parents and could lead to even more difficulty as a step parent in future). These children need help but she is in a very awkward position to do anything on her own.

If you readmGoldmandra's story, just a few posts back, you will see how much someone in a similar position to the OP, but with NO parental or even co-parental responsibilities actually did do.

mum11970

Best she does nothing then.

Mum11970, it is absolute fucking bollocks that "she is in a very awkward position to do anything on her own". There is plenty she can do - and making the children welcome in her home is a start.

What a sad thread. Those poor kids

OP - You sound like a selfish & uncaring step-mother. Your unborn child, your precious tidy house you are oh so proud of. Your refusal to wash dirty underwear.

In a few weeks, you will be the mother of a newborn baby. You will get little sleep, your precious home will be messy, and you will wash poo, pee, and sick off loads of clothes.

Maybe, just maybe, you will then wake up and realise what it is to be a parent and change the way you treat these innocent little children

She could make sure they have clean clothes, bath them ,read to them, hug them, anything more than she's doing now.

I think the OP is totally controlled by her husband but doesn't yet realise it. On another thread she wrote that she was concerned that her unborn baby was not moving and did not tell DH because she "didn't want to worry him"! She seems to want to protect him from reality. Maybe he should see this thread.

OP, what Sassy said. You are a grown-up. Surely that's reason enough to look after your neglected stepchildren?