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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

TO THINK MIXED RACE PEOPLE ARE TREATED DIFFERENTLY?

246 replies

MyBaby1day · 15/09/2012 04:09

As a young woman who is half Asian, half English I think this is so. I also have an illness (and maybe good genes too Grin) that also makee me look a LOT younger than my age and when people see me quite a few (especially women) smile like cheshire cats.....maybe I'm just being too suspicious but somehow I don't always think it's genuine. Kind of like spot me (smiling)......"oh sweet half Asian girl"...I walk away....YUK!, how could her Mother! Angry. Then you get people who as soon as they see a white woman in tow with a clearly looking half Asian person....lets just say the look on their face says it all!. Some people are cool with it but I just think when it happens it's oppressive and wrong!. I NEVER judge other people (who behave in a reasonably decent way) and think everyone else should be the same. Before anyone asks I am very happy about my racial heritage, tapping into both my Asian and English roots (the Asian side kind of dominates) but overall love it. I must also be fair and say I have also had prejudice of some Asian people also (but not half as much). I just thought I'de raise the issue!, it might help in the fight against racism. Your thoughts?.

OP posts:
GoldShip · 16/09/2012 09:59

Im not that blinded, I can see you're putting a full stop after every exclamation mark, and whilst it's off topic its really annoying me Confused

In all seriousness, you have issues deary. some smiling is sarcastic and has bad intention behind it. But someone smiling at you in the street is just being nice. I couldn't be arsed going though life with your attitude, its not a nice one.

worldcitizen · 16/09/2012 10:01

OP I hope you don't manage to waste posters' energy and breath here today, the thread was lovely and insightful WITHOUT you.

And nowBiscuit anymore Grin

MyBaby1day · 16/09/2012 10:03

If it's annoying you tough!, the attitude of you to say to a person who's shoes you have never walked in is ludicrous!. If you feel someone doesn't like you, they probalay don't. I have an amazingly positive attitude to life and, as I said, treat everyone equally...until they give me reason not to Hmm

OP posts:
MyBaby1day · 16/09/2012 10:04

@worldcitizen, just to remind you, this thread wouldn't exist without me!! Grin

OP posts:
GoldShip · 16/09/2012 10:05

What makes you think your 'shoes' have walked a harder life than mine OP? You keep banging on about that. You have no idea what the people of this forum have been through or what they have experienced. We don't need to walk in your shoes to see what sort of person you are. That's the whole point of a forum. We base our opinions of people on what they post. So yes, I can comment on your attitude.

MyBaby1day · 16/09/2012 10:10

@GoldShip, I'll tell you how I know, because of the things you have been saying. I have just read all the posts and have noticed, all the ones who didn't say I was wrong (even if they themselves had not suffered racism) were in mixed relationships/had Dual-heritage DC's etc. If you truly knew what kind of a person I was you would be pleasantly surprised.

OP posts:
GoldShip · 16/09/2012 10:12

How do you know I'm not in a mixed relationship? You don't. How do you know that all those who disagree with you aren't either?

Latara · 16/09/2012 11:04

OP - People who are pretty & young-looking - whatever race they are - have a major advantage in life.
Being pleasant to look at means that people will naturally smile at you - they can't help it.
Especially older ladies - sometimes it is patronising from them but generally not because you are mixed race; it's more, ''ah, you're sweet & the same age as my granddaughter'' attitude.

I look young for my age & get late middle-aged & elderly patients of mine behaving like that. It can be irritating but it's actually a compliment.
To be fair, many older people are rubbish at guessing a younger person's age anyway; & just like to make a fuss of younger people. It takes their mind of their own problems.

If you perceive some of the smiles as having a 'not so nice' intent then it could well be jealousy.
OMG i sound like Samantha Brick ffs but it's true that some older women are envious of pretty younger women - i know i get envious at times of other women... & yes, i wish i was in my 20s again.

I definitely get 'hair envy'. For example some of my Indian colleagues have lovely hair so i get very envious of their hair (but not in a nasty, jealous way).
But that's not racism, just envy!

As for the 2-faced bitch you heard being nice to her friend's face then slagging off her mixed race children as soon as she'd left - yes, that is racism; I've seen colleagues be nice to other colleagues (who are eg. Polish, Russian or Filippino) then later on being racist about people of those nationalities.

Personally i always challenge that behaviour - firstly the racism, but also the two-faced behaviour (i can't stand two-faced people!).

I've noticed that i recently haven't heard those racist colleagues expressing any racist attitudes in front of me - but that's probably because they know i will tell them what i think of that behaviour - not because they are any less racist (or bitchy) i suspect!

TroublesomeEx · 17/09/2012 12:22

You don't know whether I'm in a mixed relationship or not.

Or whether I ever have been or not.

I haven't mentioned it.

I don't think anyone is doubting (whether they have experience or not) that some people (of any races) are racist (towards any race), I think the general consensus is that being smiled at by someone of a race other than your own does not make you a victim of racism!

B1ueberry · 17/09/2012 12:27

the real 'ism' is towards unattractive people. Harsh but true.

Anybody who is blessed with a beautiful face should be thankful. It's such a lottery.

GreenEggsAndNichts · 17/09/2012 12:36

I admit, I judged you.

Anytime I see a thread title in all caps, I hoik the pants. Grin

Honestly, I wouldn't assume the worst of everyone who smiles at you. If you're attractive, this probably plays a big part in it. :) And some people might be curious, but not mean to be negative about it. I've positively gathered a crowd when with cousins in another country due to how pale my skin is, but my hair is black.

cynner · 17/09/2012 12:37

Blueberry, it is the truth! My friend's dd has a port wine birthmark across much of her cheek. It breaks her mother's heart when people snigger or say appalling things to her. This darling, bright child is not given the same accolades as her more conventionally beautiful sisters. Looksism is alive and well in our culture.

OBface · 17/09/2012 12:53

I am married to a asian man and have a mixed race DD. I recognise absolutely nothing from the OP, honestly find it very strange.

Our relationship has gone without note wherever we have travelled throughout the UK. I am not naive enough to think that racism doesn't exist but in our (largely middle class) area it really really isn't an issue. In fact, if anything, I have received more prejudice from DH's side of the family than the other way around.

My daughter does attract a lot of attention because she is unusual looking and quite beautiful (in my obviously biased!) opinion but even when strangers stop me in the street I have always assumed their motives have only ever been good. Bizarre to think otherwise.

OP you sound quite conceited. Will make a mental note to try and bring DD up not to see herself as you do.

OBface · 17/09/2012 13:04

Errrr OP I disagree with you and I'm in a mixed relationship Confused

I simply refuse to believe anyone who smiles at me and DD is covertly racist. You are deluded.

giveitago · 17/09/2012 13:13

Well, OP I think attitudes are different everywhere.

I'm angloasian and well into middle aged. From london but we moved out and we were probably the first asian family in our area and at the school I went. People - no issues - they just thought us exotic and I cannot tell how how popular I was at school as they'd never seen anyone like my mum and thought she was lovely and all the boys were in love with her. Primary school however - fuckers - but back then labelling was pretty common. My df (who is the english one - mum is asian) went ballistic on my first week when he got a call saying he had a problem and that I couldn't write in english and could only write in 'indian' (lol) - he had to point out I wasn't writing in 'indian' but I'd been to a school in london and had been taught to write ITA (phonetics for kids type thing).

However, in the streets we got horrible looks from other asians - and still do. So it certainly works both ways.

I was at senior school when the skinhead thing started - loads of skinhead girls - they'd call people horrible names but even I could see they thought they should be doing it and they didn't even know the meaning of half those words. Most of in mixed marriages now!

I don't look particularly indian at all. Why on earth should I - I'm from a mixed background. That annoys me when I certainly don't look english (whatever that is) and so they feel they must ask and then point out that I don't look Indian. No shit sherlock - why should I - i'm MIXED. I'm usually mistaken for an iranian. Don't care.

I also find that in the asian culture that if you're mixed but with an indian father you are somehow more indian than if you have a indian mother. I just laugh. I've seen it all, heard it all and I'm pretty much indifferent to stuff these days.

I've not had many racist comments but as my parents are now divorced I've had from both communities and assumption that my nasty white father somehow took away my mother's 'honour' and then left. LOL! Nothing like that at all - grew up in a very middle class family ta and both parents together until I left university. Then they both bolted in different directions! I also went for a job - they were initially chasing my application - where halfway through the interview it was clear they thought I was muslim and it just changed. I was gobsmacked at the ignorance of so call high class, educated people.

Just like life. Everyone has a huge potential for ignorance - not just one community.

My dh is from another european country - try going there - jeez! I'm brining up my son to be everything and none of his backgrounds- a world citizen - to me it's just a passport and family background stuff. Nice to be able to mix with lots of people and understand the lingos. And honestly his mixed background in my view is what makes him British as opposed to his other heritages - you get all sorts of different backgrounds here that you don't get in other countries.

My view is fight racism where you see it but I certainly don't have a view where I preempt possible racism.

That's my experience of growing up as a mixed person. I'm pretty sure that the many people of mixed heritage of my age and the younger generation may not recognise my experiences as we are all different - from different parts of the country - different parents, different economic backgrounds etc. Just like my non mixed fellow countrymen.

giveitago · 17/09/2012 13:14

OB - that's a good attitude and I'm sure that if you face anything you will protect your children.

worldcitizen · 17/09/2012 13:23

^^^^ see giveitago this is why I have this as my MN name, due to me also coming from a family who for the past 2 generations have this attitude like yours thankfully and I have also continued in a bi-national (which also involves different ethnicities, continents, and religious background) and child is already next (4th)generation of that life style and attitude to life, culture, identity, and how to treat and view others (which includes daft people who scream racism at everything)....

Your post is lovely!!!!!

QuintessentialShadows · 17/09/2012 13:30

"oh sweet half Asian girl"

Hmm

I think you are pretty judgmental to presume that people:
a) bothers about your heritage
b) bothers about trying to decipher your heritage
c) makes a judgement about your beauty
d) are racist
f) bother to make any assumption about your mother

because they smile at you.

I think you suffer from delusions of grandeur, to be honest!

giveitago · 17/09/2012 13:34

Ta- I think think things have changed over the years and that previous generations of people of mixed heritage were more robust in their views. I see young people now and I'm like 'WHAAT!

I remember walking over a london bridge and everyone was staring at this white and asian young ouple and the young white guy was doing this thing 'you is all racist' and what I wanted to say to him is that actually people are staring at you both as you look like a supermodel and your girlfriend the complete opposite and NOT because you each have different colour skin. Because also my eyes were on stalks.

I also remember giving birth very late in life to my son - put him in sling and take him to the park. Young white girl with her baby flirting with a young black guy who was complimenting on her 'coffee' coloured baby (WHAAAT!) and was very much flattered and then he told her - now wait for this - 'a baby like your's won't be racist as he is black and has a white mother who is nice and slim after birth like you - and 'it' won't be like that white baby born to that fat old mother'. I think he meant like me.

OMG - well if that's what multiculturalism means in this country then we're f'ucked frankly aren't we.

How dare he insult my trilingual little ball of fun with a big fat mummy! And I'm proud of my little one's anlgo asian background (with it's french bit) and very proud that he's also italian. But at the end of the day I just filter out this modern shite (quite a bit of it spouted on mumsnet I feel) and just quietely go about getting for him the best I can.

However, having said that, there are plenty of kids who are obviously not anglo saxon in their looks and they do get a hard time and are labelled and THIS is the racism we need to fight and fight it hard. But we can't as we;re all caught up in this 'what a mixed race person looks like' debate Well, they can be blond haired and blue eyed and they can be darked skinned with black eyes. aka - pretty much anyone.

MrDobalina · 17/09/2012 13:44

hi OP I havent read the whole thread yet..but I think you've been given a really hard time here

I have 2 MR dds. I know what you are saying Sad Angry Smile

I say this time and time and time again...i can deal with the out and out racism/racists....what I cant deal with is the insidious covert prejudice which can be brushed off as a misunderstanding/ you being too sensitive/ chip on your shoulder etc etc etc

And yes, that includes 'positive discrimination'

We are lucky in where we live and the people who are around us; we dont encounter it too much

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 17/09/2012 13:45

Sorry i think Quint is right and i have two mixed race dds.

giveitago · 17/09/2012 13:55

Worldcitizen - high five to you.

Having said all this I was lucky that I had a father who was very much aware of any difficulty for my mother or I might have and dealt with it brilliantly in that didn't make a meal but ensured it was dealt with quickly and firmly. He was a great advocate in that sense.

TroublesomeEx · 17/09/2012 14:06

MrDobalina What? If you make eye contact with a stranger and they smile at you, you also think they're being racist?

Is this a prevalent belief then.

MrDobalina · 17/09/2012 14:13

no folk girl, i didnt take the OP as literally as that

TroublesomeEx · 17/09/2012 14:17

I didn't think so, but that is what the OP has said that has caused everyone to give her such a hard time.

No one is suggesting that racism doesn't exist or isn't experienced, but her assumption that when people are smiling at her they are secretly making all sorts of nasty judgements about her and her mother are ridiculous and offensive.

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