To be a bit shocked by what other mother said

[dysfunctionalme]

At my son's birthday party, another mother wanted to talk about schools. She is a teacher and generally takes an authoritative line on schooling. She said her dd was doing very well at school, "she's an advanced learner, just amazing" and then, in the very same breath, suggested I consider sending my ds to another school "where they have a great programme for special needs boys".

Which would be possibly a helpful comment if my son had special needs.

But I am not aware he does. He is 4 and is a busy and seemingly very normal child. I thought?

It all took me a bit by surprise and being busy with the party, didn't go any further with it. Now I'm wondering why she said that and if there's something glaringly "special" about my son.

To explain what he's like, he is 4, physically fine, extremely verbal, sociable (has several good friends and manages group situations normally), can stay on task for extended periods of time e.g. yesterday he worked independently on a craft kit for around 30mins (which had flummoxed me tbh)

He likes to run and climb and throw things and I do ask him about 20 times a day not to squash/throw/stretch whatever it is.

Is that weird?

Yes very - even if your son had sn I would think odd to talk like that to you unless you had directly asked for advice on schooling.

Your son isnt wierd, she is just bloody rude!! If you see her again you should ask her to elaborate on her ridiculous comment.

It seems strange, maybe she got you mixed up with someone else.

The only way to really know for sure is to ask her.

Don't put down to malice what you can put down to stupidity.

I would ask her what she meant by it I'm afraid I wouldn't let it go!

How rude of her! Are you close friends?

Gigondas - that's how I felt about it. She is American and I wondered whether it was a cultural thing.

How utterly bizarre!

I would tackle her. Phone her up and say that her comment bothered you, you have been thinking about it and you wondered what she meant.

She sounds like a passive aggressive frenemy type

what a rude cow :(

How rude of her! I am for you.

I know of several teachers who are completely tactless. Think they have become that way because they are very rarely challenged. People just wouldn't put up with them in business.

I would ignore. Your son sounds like a normal four year old boy.

sugarice - no, not really, just through the kids. In the past she has been v v friendly and although I have found her perfectly nice, I actually find her dd quite challenging so I have distanced.

mrsconfused - thanks for saying my son sounds normal! I appreciate it. I thought about it and realised that with time, I'll get more of an overall picture of his "normalness" through the school and if he needs help at either end of the spectrum, it'll be good to know so I can facilitate it. I was just a bit by the suggestion.

Same as when he was 3 months old and a coffee group mother said she thought my ds was "a bit slow" because he hadn't rolled over yet. Which actually made me laugh because it was so silly but also triggered a wee round of doubt.

How rude, I wouldn't dwell on it though, I would imagine she is just a rude person, was rude before she had a child and continues to be rude with one.

I was wondering if, when she mentioned 'special needs boys' she was refering to him being advanced for his age. like others have said, ask her.

Your Son sounds just as a 4 year old should be . She is very tactless and clearly thinks no other child can match the amazingness of her advanced learner dd! .

at 3 month old being seen as "a bit slow"!
Like the others, I wouldn't take the comment remotely seriously, but I wouldn't let it go either. Make her explain why she thought it necessary to such a thing to you; at your son's party of all places. Some people get away with outrageous cheek simply because their "victims" are too flabbergasted to call them on it.

How rude and tactless, even if there's any truth in it.

I'd be tempted to mention to a close friend (just to give you the confidence that other people think he's perfectly fine), then ask her about it; so that you can put her right and not dwell on it.

I remember my DD's playgroup leader saying she wanted a word about her speech. "Yes, she's really come on over the holiday," I thought, "stringing sentences together, being less shy." But no, "I think she needs to see a speech therapist!" Playgroup leader was just a little daunting (strange choice of career) to a small shy child; now 6 and has had no speech problems AT ALL.

She sounds like a complete arse to me.

totally rude!

I think another child at pre-school has undiagnosed SNs, the staff basically 1:1 him and have on-going problems with him but I think they're actually a bit scared of these particular parents so while they've prob told them about incidents I don't think they've spelt out just how abnormal the behaviour is, the child does not know how to play, it has a blank face unless its screetching (not screaming or crying but a really high pitched strange screetch). Parents think he's fine and off to oxfbridge any day (he's not antisocial and advanced, he's antisocial and behind)

But I'ld never say something like that to the mother!

If I see her and schooling comes up (it will) I will ask her. I don't want to phone about it though, just doesn't seem worth it. It's nice to get feedback in here that others would feel a bit shocked, too.

Should probably point out that she has on several occasions encouraged me to move my daughter to another school too that can cope with her "giftedness" (not same school as suggested for special needs). My dd is a bright girl who does well at school but she's not a genius and is very happy where she is. I am not worried about pushing my children to achieve high academic standards as much as I want them to achieve social competence and self confidence.

I'm thinking this mother just favours girls and sees the boyishness of boys as a negative.

(even they are totally avoiding the school with the best SENs support out of snobbery because the school gates aren't as boden as their first choice - which isn't as good for SENs)

"I'm thinking this mother just favours girls and sees the boyishness of boys as a negative."
there are women like this! I do know a couple!

party or no party how in the name of God did you not ask her there and then what she meant???

parachutesarefab - good idea, I think I'll do that actually. Glad your dd is doing so well.

omg Lacking - I think that's actually quite negligent of the teachers not to let the parents know. He needs more help. And no I wouldn't mention to the mother unless specifically asked for opinion.

I have once spoken v directly to another parent. I asked who his eye specialist was as he was very cross-eyed and she said no one, she hadn't noticed anything with his eyes. I mentioned it because once of my dc had had eye surgery so I felt confident about the subject. She took him to the dr and he was sent into hospital, turned out to have a tumour behind his eye, a drama and she has always been hugely grateful that I spoke up.

So I think I'm trying to say that I realise other parents do try to help, I just couldn't for the life of me think where this particular comment had come from.

Not to worry! I'll see how he goes at school.

The thing no one ever warned me about pre kids was the way others can stump up with an opinion of your children and your parenting at the most inappropriate times and deliver them usually completely out of context so that when they do you are rendered speachless.